Is this a normal way to feel

[RobenR]

It's been two weeks since they took my baby out (D&E at 18w 3d due to Turner's Syndrome. The baby had died at 16w). Two very long weeks in which my mind has become my biggest prison and when I passed what would have been the five month mark for me the other day I couldn't get my daughter out of my mind.

I found solace and comfort in a coworker who miscarried her baby just before Christmas, she has been wonderful in commiserating with me as she is the only one in the vicinity who knows exactly what I'm feeling and how my mind is working. Today she told me she's 7 weeks pregnant and that she conceived two weeks after her miscarriage.

I'm having trouble breathing after being told this. I'm fighting off a full-on panic attack. I feel like I've been punched in the gut. I want to be happy for her, and I told her congratulations and smiled for her, told her how wonderful and perfect it will be this time but... I'm not happy. I'm so jealous that I could scream. I'm trying to keep it together in the office and all I want to do is cry. I actually had to take a break and leave my desk because I was going to lose it and had a crying fit in the bathroom.

Am I being irrational? Am I horrible person because I cannot be happy for her? I know how much this means to her, and I know how long and hard she and her husband have been trying for a baby. I remember how sad I was for her when she lost her baby and I was still pregnant. Is it wrong of me to feel like God is taking some kind of revenge on me? Is it wrong to be so jealous? Why her and not me? Why is it that the good is happening for her?

I know it's only two weeks since my miscarriage but I want to be pregnant again so bad, to feel that life within me. My husband and I started trying again on Saturday, just short of the two weeks and I am praying that maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones to get pregnant right away but I don't know how the body works after a D&E, this was our first pregnancy.

I'm so scared I'll never conceive again and that my husband and I will never have a baby. I don't know what to do to make that happen.

My heart is breaking. Am I wrong to feel like this? Why can't the damned tears just stop?

 

[Shelby2007]

First of all - Im soo sorry to hear about your baby girl. No mother should ever have to go through that. I lost my twins at 9 weeks on February 2nd. I cant imagine what you are going through.

Maybe you could talk to the lady you work with.. Im sure she felt the exact same way then as you do now..

Hopefully it will not take you long to get a BFP again! Try and stay positive.. and know that you will have your baby soon to hold in your arms

 

[Las78]

Hun, I'm so sorry. I too m/c my little one at 17w and can relate to how devastated you feel and yes I think how you're feeling is perfectly normal. We have a lady at work, luckily in a different department who is due to have her baby in a couple of months, it was my first day back and she walked past me with this big smile on her face (she doesn't know I m/c though so not in spite or anything) and I felt a huge surge of anger and jelousy, that she still has her baby and I have nothing.

I can only imagine how hard it must be for you having had the close relationship with her and someone to talk to who could understand how you feel and now to feel she has been lucky to fall again so quickly, I don't know that is something I could cope with either.

Don't feel bad about your emotions hun, I'm sure in the same situation many of us would feel exactly the same.

Try and be positive hun, you conceived once and there's no reason you won't again and as they say one m/c doesn't necessarily mean another, I know these words probably mean very little as nothing will ever replace your little girl.

Sending you a huge hug and lots of baby dust x

 

[Shelby2007]

I wanted to correct my comment earlier.. she probably has no idea how you are feeling.. and I didnt mean felt the exact same way. Im sorry to say that. I just think maybe she will understand where you are coming from.

Sorry for my previous comment

 

[firstimer]

Hey what's normal in these abnormal circumstances. I think that having gone through a mc it is normal to resent those who are still healthily pg - not in a bad way but just because ours are gone. My SIL has had 4 mc and she said she found it very difficult when I was pg because it accentuated her loss.

You will be pg again soon I'm sure dont worry about conceiving, if we all did it once it can happen again

xxx