it is true what my 'friend' said?

[lovehearts]

last night i told a close friend that my period had returned and so we were ttc again. She is also TTC in her second month. she had a termination a few years ago (her OH doesnt really want kids) and when i miscarried she told me she knew how i felt?!?!?! this is what she said to me:

great news - let you body get back to normal though - you might not catch for a while as you have had a hard month but keep trying, you body might attack it again but im sure it will work out next time. Im not saying there is anything wrong with you but im just saying take it easy, i dont want you to be upset if it doesnt happen for you.

Now im really worried that i wont ever get pg again please tell me she is just being a bitch
xxx

 

[kanga]

she is being a bitch. Well that may be a bit harsh, but she clearly doesnt understand the difference between a termination and a mc.

If you google miscarriages, you will see there are lots of different types and they happen for lots of different reasons. It isnt your body attacking it!

she hasnt been through the loss you have so i probably wouldnt look to her for understanding and compassion. You can get plenty of that on here.

it may be true that your body will be going through changes and settling back down right now, but as your af is back, it sounds like you are back on track. Good look ttc, i hope you get your ickle bean soon!! xx

 

[Dannib247]

massive hugs hun, sometimes people think they are really helping when they so obliously are not, as kanga has said above there are a million reasons for m/c not because your body has decided to attack it, as odd as it sounds im sure she said all this with the best intentions it just makes you wonder what the hell goes through peoples heads, it will happen again for you dont be put off cherub xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[jen1604]

She's talking rubbish.Just because you had a miscarriage does NOT mean your body will 'attack' the next baby.
Good luck hon,it will happen for you xxxxxx

 

[africaqueen]

yup she is talking rubbish! there is a huge diff between having a termination and miscarrying. With a mc u obviously have no choice in the matter and often really want the baby. She is talking for talking sake. Take no notice. Many women mc and go on to have healthy pregnancies and babies ;-) xxx

 

[NatoPMT]

Im going to be a bit more generous to her, lots of women who have terminations are absolutely distraught at their own decision, and if her oh didnt want the baby, she mightve been vunerable and pushed into it. Clearly she doesnt know what a mc feels like emotionally as she hasnt actually been there, and even if she had an mc, noone knows what you are going through as it effects everyone in different ways, even though there are massive similarities.

re: attacking the baby - she mightve been referring to immune issues, which are pretty rare. as they are rare, i imagine she actually has made an assumption about what mc is and doesnt really understand the causes as the others have said. There's only a 1% chance of you having recurrent mc i read last night - its very low

dont let others misunderstood understanding of the issues affect you - the facts are that mc as a single tragedy is quite common, recurrent mc is not common. You are now aware of what can happen which of course makes it a massive issue and a massive hurdle to get over emotionally, but the risks dont warrant the fear they create

 

[lovehearts]

I understand the termination was a big thing for her,I was with her for the whole thing when her OH wasn't supporting her,it was hard on her,I understand it was a tragic time for her but I just don't feel that she knows how I feel about the mc with it not being my choice. I'm glad the chances of it happening again are so low,it breaks my heart that so many women have to go through it.perhaps me PMT has got the better of me this month and I am being ratty,I just feel she should have gone a different way about saying things to me. Xxx

 

[NatoPMT]

she just doesnt get it hearty, i doubt she's trying to hurt you and she damned well should be more sensitive, but i think its pretty common to wade into this sort of conversation thinking you know it all, when you definitely don't

is she a good friend normally?

and lets submit to the pmt - throw yourself around the room a bit, i have to be caged during the pre-af slot.

xx

 

[AP]

na she clearly doesnt get it. With a miscarriage you plan everything in your head, only for it to be snatched away! ANd thats one of the most painful parts, for me

 

[develange]

wow what a bitch. I'm sorry, but there is a huuuuuuuuuugggee huge difference between termination and a MC. don't take what she said to heart, as hard as it is not to

But your body DEFINITELY did not attack the baby.
I'm so sorry hun

 

[Lucia]

I agree with Nato. She's probably not trying to be insensitive, but rather is slightly ignorant to the issue of mc.

 

[lovehearts]

Thanks for the responses ladies. I really think she just doesnt understand MC. and i hope she never has to experience it! I spoke to her yesterday about it and we have sorted things out. she is normally such a great friend to me - just shocked me that she came out with that.

xxx

 

[Ten]

I vote "hapless, well-intentioned dimwit" - whatever her circumstances (and maybe she did grieve the loss of her baby), she probably meant well but if she has to spend half her message apologizing for the other half... maybe she needs to rethink what she's saying.

She's full of it. Like previous posters have said, a m/c doesn't mean your body attacked the baby. There are a ton of reasons why it can happen. Don't let her get to you.