its not getting any easier! :(

[due3may12]

hey ladies!
im finding things really hard lately! its 2 month 2moro since i lost kevin at 18 weeks! and i was fine at the start but now am realising that i think i was just numb! its all hitting me now! i put on brave face in work so girls dont realise! but dont know how much longer i can keep it up!
my OH never talks about kevin! he'll listen to me but i feel i cant open up fully about it cz he dont talk back! i would love another baby now, not to replace kevin but i just got so used to being pregnant and having a baby with me that i want it all back! he wants to wait 2 or 3 yrs untlil we try again! i cant wait that long! were young and dont have much but i dont care! a baby doesnt need every mod con! i suggested that we do it once and if it happens it happens and if not we'll wait a year and he wont give me straight answer!
and i wont let him touch me at all! im afraid im going to drive him away!
i just wish this nightmare would end!!!!!!!!

thanks for reading! and sorry its so long!
love Karen!
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[due3may12]

ps he doesnt think that this website is helping but little does he know its the only place i can be honest and say how i really feel!

 

[amanda83]

Oh hun, sorry you feel that way, but you're not alone. I lost my little man 4 months ago at 22 weeks, my due date is tomorrow and I'm pretty much a mess. I think it has gotten worse as well. Hopefully after our due dates pass it may get easier??? I'm hoping anyways.

My husband doesn't talk much about our loss either, sometimes I wonder if he even thinks about it. He assures me he does miss him, and think about him, but men show their emotions far different than us.

Hopefully your OH will come around; perhaps he just needs time to digest what has happened to you guys…before focusing on another baby. Maybe you can give him a few months than feel out the baby situations again?

I totally agree with wanting to be pregnant again, it seems like it's the only thing that will take away some of this pain.

Good luck hun, we are here to chat anytime. xo

 

[Andypanda6570]

It will keep getting worse until it finally gets better. It has been 11 months for me and I am better than I was ,but I still have the days of crying and thinking about it.
I don't think that part never ends, but it does get manageable
My husband does not like to talk about at all and never will talk unless I bring it up. I think that is just the way most men are and I have accepted it. I only talk about Ava to my best friend nobody else.

You have to give yourself time, 2 months is just not enough time for you to get through this, not over it , but through it. Things will get better for you.
I am so sorry for your loss

 

[Bride2b]

I think a very common theme that I read & have experienced myself is how men deal with the loss of a baby. Men dont seem to talk about it, they will listen to us, but they wont bring up our babies we have lost. It is very rare that they do. I think they try to be strong & its their way of dealing with it. Men just dont seem to talk.

I know what you mean about wanting to be pregnant again - again reading these thread its another common theme that us women want more than anything - and again its the men who seem more reserved on this.

Have you been offered counselling? Its not for everyone, but I go to a counsellor, just so I can talk about stuff & I think it helps. You loss was just after mine, I am just over 2 months in & feel only know that I am getting a bit stronger. I dont think I would be where I am now without this place or having had the sessions with the counsellor.

I just wanted to let you know that everything you are going through is 100% 'normal'

Take care hun xxxx you know were are all here xxxx

 

[OliveBay]

Please go easy on yourself and remember that it is still early days for you. I went back to work after about 7 weeks, which i now realise was too early for me, but at the time I thought I was ready to go back and I was just going mad with boredom sitting at home on my own. Like you I was putting a brave face on all day long, which is totally exhausting. Remember to look after yourself, give yourself plenty of time out and pampering, early nights and time to let all of your emotions be heard - let them out when you get home and give them the time they deserve. In my first couple of weeks back at work I would often come home at the end of the day and crawl straight into bed for a nap and a cry - it was just the emotional release of wearing my brave mask all day.
This is a totally normal stage and it just takes time. Now, 4 months on after losing my little boy, I feel like the fog has lifted and I am now dealing with things better, but in those early days I felt like I was on auto-pilot, just floating through my days in a little bubble.
You will get through this, just take it one day at a time and try to find as much support in your loved ones as you can

 

[feeble]

Men just don't talk about it like we do... I would hasten a guess that they don't experience it like we do either

There is something so deeply tragic about growing something for so long and then for it to die...

It does get easier after the due date, my baby was lost at 23 weeks and I dreaded the due date so much, in fact the whole of January was very, very difficult

But it passed and the first of February felt light and different, like a new chapter had been opened.

It will get easier, you'll never forget but time does heal x x

 

[due3may12]

hey ladies thanks foor your replies!
i had a small heart 2heart with OH the last night and a great cry and i feel so much better now! i still have things i didnt tell him so on the background screen of comp we have little pot-it notes so was thing of leaving him one with how i feel! ive written one up but hid it for him bcoz would love you opinions first on it pls! here it is!!

Gerard you are the best thing that has ever happened to me! i love you with all my heart. i know the last few months have been though but im so glad it hasnt driven us apart! lately i think its all hit me like a ton of bricks and i dont think im coping! im just putting on a brave face but thats all i know to do and i know your doing the same! i dont want to forget about Kevin! he is our first baby, our first son. i miss him so much and think its not fair that this had to happen to us! we've done nothing to deserve it! i do want another baby but i cant wait years before we try again! i know we didnt plan Kevin but wen i found out about him i was delighted and i know you were too, it just took us a while to get used to it!
i understand that your scared and trust me i am too, and you think we should have house sorted etc but it wasnt gonna be sorted for wen kevin arrived so i dont think that matters! yes a baby need money but we will never be stuck! i tink i want to try for a baby within a year! i know it sounds crazy but you know i always wanted to be young having kids and i know we will be together forever so us breaking up with a child doesnt even pop into my mind! and yes i know i have to lose weight but you know im useless at going at things on my own! anyone could tell ya that! but i am trying, im eating healthier lunches at work.
The reason i havent been letting you touch me lately is because its all only hitting me now and i dont feel pretty or anything like that! i know you love me the way i am but i just dont feel attractive and stuff! i guess im afraid that if we do anything and a condom breaks or something happens and i do get preg that you will resent me and think i done it on purpose but trust me i would NEVER ever do that to you!
anyway just wanted to write how i am feeling cz its a lot easier than talking and i hope you read this! love you with all my heart! xxxxxxx

 

[dancareoi]

Hi, I am feeling exactly the same a you. We lost our LO 5 weeks ago and I thought things were starting to get a little better, but the last few days I feel I am back to square one, I just feel like crying all the time and if I don`t feel like crying I am crying.
I would have been 23 weeks today.
I just can`t be bothered. I can`t be bothered seeing people because I can`t be bothered talking.
I think the kids have noticed too, I`m not saying much to them, but when I do speak I`m usually snapping at them about something.
My DH knows how upset i am, he is too,but hides it better than me. However I feel I am starting to resent him. Our LO was an accident - he didn`t want another baby as we already have 3.
I want to TTC ASAP but he is not sure, he is worried it will happen again or something will be wrong with it as i am 40 and he is 42.
I actually sent him a big long email last week telling him exactly how I feel and what I want. I knew if I tried to talk to him I would end up crying and not say everything.
We had another chat last week, but nothing has been decided.
I just want to know whats going on and this is really starting to get to me now, which is probably where the resentment is creeping in and I think he can sense that too.
I am just getting through each day as best I can. As I said in email to DH, I am not living at the moment, just existing.
I think to put how you feel to writing is a very good idea, then your OH will know exactly how you feel.
Lets hope we both start to feel better soon. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx