It's scary to think about sometimes

[AnnaLaura]

Hi everyone, hope you all have some fun plans for the weekend. I plan on cooking a couple of dishes today so I won't have to over the weekend. I don't really like to cook and would rather do it this way.

But anyway, I woke up last night and while I was lying there in the dark waiting to fall back asleep I decided I didn't want to TTC any more (I got over it but that feeling was there for a little while). Sometimes I get worried when I think of how things will change if it all works out. We've been together for almost 24 years, married for almost 21 years (in March). It's always been just us and we pretty much both do as we please. What if it's a horrible mistake, just something biological driving me, and it's really not what we should do? What if everything gets ruined by the stress of the changes? We are happy now, and worked VERY hard over the years to get where we are today, both in our lives and in our relationship. Will a new baby add to that or wreck it? When I was really trying to explain to him that it's now or never, time is running out, he told me that he liked our life and was afraid of these things too. It's not that he didn't want a baby, just that he was happy now and was scared. So we both have the same doubts.

I've known other women who have had babies at my age but they were usually on their second or third, and never seemed to have a single doubt. And my husband has NEVER heard a positive word from any of his colleagues and friends who have children. He is doing this for me but if left alone he probably wouldn't at this stage of life.

I know what a baby entails, have taken care of many in my work. I like doing it. I've planned out for years about everything, even down to what diapers I want the baby to use and what books I want to read to him. We are going to keep trying but still these thoughts come into my mind sometimes because I know all these plans may go straight out the window with the reality of a baby and not just the dream of one.

Don't know if anyone can relate, but would love to have some input.

 

[keekeesaurus]

Hi Anna, I can totally relate to this. We're like you, although we've not been together long (only 2 years) we like our life and we like the idea that we can take off at a moment's notice and go away for a few days whenever we choose, that we can lie in at weekends, that some days we don't have to get dressed and go anywhere, that he can play all day on his stupid Football Manager game (lol) and a baby would change things dramatically. He admitted that he would be jealous of a baby and the fact it would take my attention away from 'us' and that maybe things would change for the worse. I admit that I often think about this and sometimes I think I'll just throw TTC out of the window and if it happens, it's meant to happen, rather than chasing it. But somewhere deep inside I can't bear the thought of not giving it a go, a little person, half him and half me (hopefully the good halves.) I think it's natural to have these conflicting emotions .

 

[Ruth2307]

I too can identify with these feelings. My circumstances are totally different to what you have both described but there are times when I do think that perhaps I should be satisfied with what I've got as after all I have had an extremely charmed life! I certainly could not have done all the things I have done or possessed all of the items I have thus far if I had had a family. I do not want for anything materially. I come and go as I please. My body is pretty much unchanged (cosmetically) Then I flick the other way and the need to be a mother is so overwhelming it's virtually palpable. I sometimes see babies and children and I yearn for one more than I can ever describe. I too know what equipment and nappies etc I would use! I somehow feel incomplete in my current situation and I know deep in my heart that I will regret it if I don't have a child (I only want one) so that's why I feel that I cannot give up.

Lastly, despite everything i.e. the cost, sleepless nights, frustration, fatigue, lack of freedom etc etc I am hard pushed to think of many people who totally resent their kids and would give them up. Speak to any parent and for the most part they all say how much they love their children and would most likely kill anyone that tried to hurt them. This also includes those who didn't really want children or perhaps waited for whatever reason to start a family.

While parenting is of course challenging and demanding it's also said to be hugely rewarding. I hang on to this thought and focus on what I will gain when I become a mother and less so on what I will have to give up.

 

[sumatwsimit]

this has reminded me of a recent facebook status from a friend:

Friend Quote:
To all the unselfish mum's out there who traded sleep for dark circles, salon haircuts for a ponytail, long baths for quick showers , late nights for early mornings, and designer bags for nappy bags and who wouldn't change a thing. Let's see how many mums post this who don't care what they gave up and instead, LOVE what they got in return....Post if you LOVE being a MUM


when you look at it, it's a small price to pay

 

[AnnaLaura]

Hi Anna, I can totally relate to this. We're like you, although we've not been together long (only 2 years) we like our life and we like the idea that we can take off at a moment's notice and go away for a few days whenever we choose, that we can lie in at weekends, that some days we don't have to get dressed and go anywhere, that he can play all day on his stupid Football Manager game (lol) and a baby would change things dramatically. He admitted that he would be jealous of a baby and the fact it would take my attention away from 'us' and that maybe things would change for the worse. I admit that I often think about this and sometimes I think I'll just throw TTC out of the window and if it happens, it's meant to happen, rather than chasing it. But somewhere deep inside I can't bear the thought of not giving it a go, a little person, half him and half me (hopefully the good halves.) I think it's natural to have these conflicting emotions .

Yes, you said it much better than me! (I hope my opening post didn't sound selfish. I think it did, a little.) I completely understand, especially about the part of having a little one half him and half me. I really want a little boy who will be like him. When I picture it, I always picture a boy about 4, who is following after him at the work site (my DH is a self-employed civil engineer). I also got the talk about that he was afraid I wouldn't care about him any more once I had a baby to take care of. I thought to myself, okay, I'll have two!!

The problem is, for both of us, I guess, is that we can't just let it happen. We have to chase it and the commitment of jumping into the unknown is kind of scary. At least to me.

 

[Rubies5]

For what it is worth... There is an incredibly big picture to look at. I had similiar thoughts years back. I was focused on how a baby would change our life, our schedule, our freedom. The one thing I learned, 4 children later, is they grow up! And, it happens so, so quickly. It is such an incredible journey to watch the little baby you held through sleepless nights walk up on stage and perform a most beautiful piano piece. Or, bake cookies for the neighbor. Or, come alongside you when you are hurting. Yes, your life will change, but so will the lives of all of those they impact as they grow. For me, it has been a good, good change.

 

[keekeesaurus]

Your post wasn't selfish at all . I think it's something a lot of women think about. And I can totally see where our OHs are coming from, but I know that my OH would be a marvellous dad and that saddens me, even though he's said if it doesn't happen then he's happy with it just being me and him. I don't think any of us are selfish, just realistic. Yep, I think we're both bad at letting things happen lol. I'm such a control freak .

Ruth that was a beautiful post .

Suma .

 

[readyformore]

It's interesting that I have a completely different perspective, but I still understand what you are saying.

While my ttc speak might be negative, my 'joys-of-motherhood' speak is nothing but roses and sunshine, lol. I just don't talk much about it on the forum.

Even with my warm fuzzy feeling about parenting, and even having had 3 chidren, I still have reservations. Babies can be a challenge. Pregnancy can be difficult. But, like Ruth said, it is so, so short lived. My baby is only 3, which technically is still somewhat like a baby, but really, I have already forgotten about the sleepless nights and morning sickness. I am in the midst of potty training and temper tantrums. Yet, there is something about rearing a child that becomes addictive. I have found it to be the single most rewarding experience in my life. And also sometimes, frustrating. To see these little people that are so different from anyone I know....it's amazing really.

But still there is that fear of the unknown. What if the baby isn't healthy? I know that's taboo here, no one ever speaks of it, but it's a reality. What about the strain on a relationship? For all the sunshine my kids bring me, my DH and I really didn't think our marriage would last after the birth of our second child. It was a difficult decision to have a third, knowing how we struggled in the past.

Unfortunately, it's not something that you can decide to put off for 10 years. And it's not something that you can just try out.

I do think that for most women, the joy of motherhood will offset any previous reservations. Those little babies have a way of just making you fall in love with them and that sticks as they get older.

I understand your fears. But a baby will erase it. Heaven forbid the relationship between my husband and I deteriorates from the strain of child rearing, I would never hold it against my kids. Instead, I would sing praises that I had them to keep me going in the dark times.

 

[peacebaby]

Anna your post wasn't selfish at all on the contrary I think it is un-selfish and quite a positive reflection to be examining oneself and the very motive for wanting a child...I've been thinking about this recently and often have the same concerns that both you and keeks speak of. As a couple we're very much 'set in our ways', our leisure time belongs entirely to us and whether it's a lie-in, a quiet day spent doing nothing, a spontaneous outing or a holiday it never requires much planning or forethought. I often worry about how we will adjust our lives and yet in my mind I've had all the details planned for as long as I can remember, just like you! I even went through a career path change and spent almost 2 years completing a Montessori diploma because that's my choice of educational path for our little one/s! I've become so wrapped up in the details of this TTC journey that I sometimes feel the need to stand back and remind myself that it's not like fulfilling another 'duty' in life - you know, get the degree, get the right job, the house, car, and the family...but then i find myself overwhelmed by what i can only describe as an innate maternal instinct and I think thats what keeps us all in the game..

Rubies5 - love what you wrote, thank you

 

[AnnaLaura]

So many interesting, wonderful comments. You've all given me a lot to think about and add in to my imaginings.

For what it is worth... There is an incredibly big picture to look at. I had similiar thoughts years back. I was focused on how a baby would change our life, our schedule, our freedom. The one thing I learned, 4 children later, is they grow up! And, it happens so, so quickly. It is such an incredible journey to watch the little baby you held through sleepless nights walk up on stage and perform a most beautiful piano piece. Or, bake cookies for the neighbor. Or, come alongside you when you are hurting. Yes, your life will change, but so will the lives of all of those they impact as they grow. For me, it has been a good, good change.

This is what I'm hoping it will be for us, too. I can really relate to what you and Ready are saying, that it's so short and fleeting.

Once my husband was worrying about it and said he thought it (having children) would make him old. And I told him, you're going to get old anyway!!

 

[Sus09]

Laura

First you are not selfish at all! Second, I think that most of us have been in your situation few times, when we just want to give up TTC. I often think What is the point! I find it stressful the fact of coneciving and then worrying the fact of holding a prengancy and then I just want to give up. But I think it is natural fear for me, and doubts, and we all have different doubts at some point.

But as Ready says, I don´t want to give up to the joys of motherhood! I don´t have any children yet, but I want to experience being a mum, and when I have doubts I always thing about that

 

[vermeil]

what a beautiful, introspective thread... it sounds familiar to me as well. I had wanted children my whole life but had pretty much settled on being a hardened bachelorette ha. Was perfectly happy, great career, friends, family etc.

Then I met the One at 34. Got married at 35, started ttc at 36, fell pregnant at 37, gave birth at 38 and here I am again ttc#2 juuust shy of 40. whoosh, crazy few years. Though the pregnancy was difficult (for health reasons unrelated to age) and my son`s arrival into this world was very rocky, I am absolutely, totally in bliss. Just now typing this I`m looking forward to logging off, then climbing into bed where my little angel will sleepily roll up against me, wrap my arm around him and sigh contentedly.

I had all of the same fears, I fiercely loved my independence and busy schedule with all sorts of crazy hobbies, travelling etc. But it`s strange how all that was essential to my being only two years ago seems so unimportant now. Now we barely have 30 minutes to ourselves every day. What I still miss actually is quiet mealtimes of *gasp* still warm food haha. Beyond that I was determined to continue with the same life and do mostly, baby in tow in a sling.

Before this sounds too happy-go-lucky I found having a baby as hard as people say. I think I have less energy than at 18, but much more patience and (I daresay) some hard earned wisdom. But it makes you rediscover who you are. You find strengths, infinite patience, tenderness you had forgotten you had. Yes even when your baby just threw his plate of food on the floor AGAIN and you have yet another mess to clean up, and think that`s it, it`s your breaking point, you`re going to lose it and throw a FIT, somehow you just sigh, hug your child to yourself mess and all and remind yourself just how blessed you are to have this perfect little creature who looks up to you, to whom you`re the whoooole universe.

Gah just writing this feels sooo cliche. But when my little guy looks at me with his piercing gaze, there`s an indescribable connection. There`s just no filter with a baby. They`re little balls of pure emotion. The love they display is sooo intense it`s overwhelming sometimes. Their excitement, fears, wonder is so raw and unfiltered it`s contagious. There`s an intimacy to the mother-baby bond that`s hard to describe. The best way I can illustrate it is this: at the hospital when my son was finally strong enough that I could hold him, I would place him against my chest skin to skin for hours on end every day. From then on his state drastically improved; his oxygen requirement dropped by half in two weeks. Babies need that bond to thrive.

And for the record I didn`t instantly fall in love with my baby the moment I saw him, as you see in the movies. In fact it took six months of him being home for the attachment to form. At first I secretly resented him (how awful is that) for those nightmare few weeks he was in critical condition. Only time healed that and formed a bond that now (he`s 17 months) is beyond anything I had imagined. My mother used to say 'you'll never understand how much i love you until you have your own child'. My teenage self would just roll her eyes. But man she was right

With all that said, is parenting for everyone? Absolutely not. I have two aunts who had kids because it was the thing to do. At best they ignored them, at worst they guilt tripped them until they ended up in drugs etc. I`ve also seen people my age who had one child almost as an accessory, a mini-them on which to display their own tastes, opinions, etc. instead of letting them flourish into their own individuals. A vanity mirror almost. We rent an apt and our first tenant yelled so much after her two daughters it broke my heart every day; I secretly hoped they would become wonderful strong ladies despite their poor start in life.

But I for one am very happy my life took this unexpected turn.

Sorry for the rambling, hope I didn`t exasperate you wonderful ladies who haven`t had their baby yet *hugs* Though in retrospect our 7 months to get a bpf seems short now, the frustrations of all those months of bfn`s is still raw. just trying to share how life takes us down unepected paths

Here`s to healthy pregnancies in our near future!!

 

[Ruth2307]

[What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing that with us. QUOTE=vermeil;14998757]what a beautiful, introspective thread... it sounds familiar to me as well. I had wanted children my whole life but had pretty much settled on being a hardened bachelorette ha. Was perfectly happy, great career, friends, family etc.

Then I met the One at 34. Got married at 35, started ttc at 36, fell pregnant at 37, gave birth at 38 and here I am again ttc#2 juuust shy of 40. whoosh, crazy few years. Though the pregnancy was difficult (for health reasons unrelated to age) and my son`s arrival into this world was very rocky, I am absolutely, totally in bliss. Just now typing this I`m looking forward to logging off, then climbing into bed where my little angel will sleepily roll up against me, wrap my arm around him and sigh contentedly.

I had all of the same fears, I fiercely loved my independence and busy schedule with all sorts of crazy hobbies, travelling etc. But it`s strange how all that was essential to my being only two years ago seems so unimportant now. Now we barely have 30 minutes to ourselves every day. What I still miss actually is quiet mealtimes of *gasp* still warm food haha. Beyond that I was determined to continue with the same life and do mostly, baby in tow in a sling.

Before this sounds too happy-go-lucky I found having a baby as hard as people say. I think I have less energy than at 18, but much more patience and (I daresay) some hard earned wisdom. But it makes you rediscover who you are. You find strengths, infinite patience, tenderness you had forgotten you had. Yes even when your baby just threw his plate of food on the floor AGAIN and you have yet another mess to clean up, and think that`s it, it`s your breaking point, you`re going to lose it and throw a FIT, somehow you just sigh, hug your child to yourself mess and all and remind yourself just how blessed you are to have this perfect little creature who looks up to you, to whom you`re the whoooole universe.

Gah just writing this feels sooo cliche. But when my little guy looks at me with his piercing gaze, there`s an indescribable connection. There`s just no filter with a baby. They`re little balls of pure emotion. The love they display is sooo intense it`s overwhelming sometimes. Their excitement, fears, wonder is so raw and unfiltered it`s contagious. There`s an intimacy to the mother-baby bond that`s hard to describe. The best way I can illustrate it is this: at the hospital when my son was finally strong enough that I could hold him, I would place him against my chest skin to skin for hours on end every day. From then on his state drastically improved; his oxygen requirement dropped by half in two weeks. Babies need that bond to thrive.

And for the record I didn`t instantly fall in love with my baby the moment I saw him, as you see in the movies. In fact it took six months of him being home for the attachment to form. At first I secretly resented him (how awful is that) for those nightmare few weeks he was in critical condition. Only time healed that and formed a bond that now (he`s 17 months) is beyond anything I had imagined. My mother used to say 'you'll never understand how much i love you until you have your own child'. My teenage self would just roll her eyes. But man she was right

With all that said, is parenting for everyone? Absolutely not. I have two aunts who had kids because it was the thing to do. At best they ignored them, at worst they guilt tripped them until they ended up in drugs etc. I`ve also seen people my age who had one child almost as an accessory, a mini-them on which to display their own tastes, opinions, etc. instead of letting them flourish into their own individuals. A vanity mirror almost. We rent an apt and our first tenant yelled so much after her two daughters it broke my heart every day; I secretly hoped they would become wonderful strong ladies despite their poor start in life.

But I for one am very happy my life took this unexpected turn.

Sorry for the rambling, hope I didn`t exasperate you wonderful ladies who haven`t had their baby yet *hugs* Though in retrospect our 7 months to get a bpf seems short now, the frustrations of all those months of bfn`s is still raw. just trying to share how life takes us down unepected paths

Here`s to healthy pregnancies in our near future!! [/QUOTE]

 

[heavenly]

what a beautiful, introspective thread... it sounds familiar to me as well. I had wanted children my whole life but had pretty much settled on being a hardened bachelorette ha. Was perfectly happy, great career, friends, family etc.

Then I met the One at 34. Got married at 35, started ttc at 36, fell pregnant at 37, gave birth at 38 and here I am again ttc#2 juuust shy of 40. whoosh, crazy few years. Though the pregnancy was difficult (for health reasons unrelated to age) and my son`s arrival into this world was very rocky, I am absolutely, totally in bliss. Just now typing this I`m looking forward to logging off, then climbing into bed where my little angel will sleepily roll up against me, wrap my arm around him and sigh contentedly.

I had all of the same fears, I fiercely loved my independence and busy schedule with all sorts of crazy hobbies, travelling etc. But it`s strange how all that was essential to my being only two years ago seems so unimportant now. Now we barely have 30 minutes to ourselves every day. What I still miss actually is quiet mealtimes of *gasp* still warm food haha. Beyond that I was determined to continue with the same life and do mostly, baby in tow in a sling.

Before this sounds too happy-go-lucky I found having a baby as hard as people say. I think I have less energy than at 18, but much more patience and (I daresay) some hard earned wisdom. But it makes you rediscover who you are. You find strengths, infinite patience, tenderness you had forgotten you had. Yes even when your baby just threw his plate of food on the floor AGAIN and you have yet another mess to clean up, and think that`s it, it`s your breaking point, you`re going to lose it and throw a FIT, somehow you just sigh, hug your child to yourself mess and all and remind yourself just how blessed you are to have this perfect little creature who looks up to you, to whom you`re the whoooole universe.

Gah just writing this feels sooo cliche. But when my little guy looks at me with his piercing gaze, there`s an indescribable connection. There`s just no filter with a baby. They`re little balls of pure emotion. The love they display is sooo intense it`s overwhelming sometimes. Their excitement, fears, wonder is so raw and unfiltered it`s contagious. There`s an intimacy to the mother-baby bond that`s hard to describe. The best way I can illustrate it is this: at the hospital when my son was finally strong enough that I could hold him, I would place him against my chest skin to skin for hours on end every day. From then on his state drastically improved; his oxygen requirement dropped by half in two weeks. Babies need that bond to thrive.

And for the record I didn`t instantly fall in love with my baby the moment I saw him, as you see in the movies. In fact it took six months of him being home for the attachment to form. At first I secretly resented him (how awful is that) for those nightmare few weeks he was in critical condition. Only time healed that and formed a bond that now (he`s 17 months) is beyond anything I had imagined. My mother used to say 'you'll never understand how much i love you until you have your own child'. My teenage self would just roll her eyes. But man she was right

With all that said, is parenting for everyone? Absolutely not. I have two aunts who had kids because it was the thing to do. At best they ignored them, at worst they guilt tripped them until they ended up in drugs etc. I`ve also seen people my age who had one child almost as an accessory, a mini-them on which to display their own tastes, opinions, etc. instead of letting them flourish into their own individuals. A vanity mirror almost. We rent an apt and our first tenant yelled so much after her two daughters it broke my heart every day; I secretly hoped they would become wonderful strong ladies despite their poor start in life.

But I for one am very happy my life took this unexpected turn.

Sorry for the rambling, hope I didn`t exasperate you wonderful ladies who haven`t had their baby yet *hugs* Though in retrospect our 7 months to get a bpf seems short now, the frustrations of all those months of bfn`s is still raw. just trying to share how life takes us down unepected paths

Here`s to healthy pregnancies in our near future!!

What a lovely post. Thank you.

 

[AnnaLaura]

Laura

First you are not selfish at all! Second, I think that most of us have been in your situation few times, when we just want to give up TTC. I often think What is the point! I find it stressful the fact of coneciving and then worrying the fact of holding a prengancy and then I just want to give up. But I think it is natural fear for me, and doubts, and we all have different doubts at some point.

But as Ready says, I don´t want to give up to the joys of motherhood! I don´t have any children yet, but I want to experience being a mum, and when I have doubts I always thing about that

Sus, I can see how past losses could complicate things. I get inspiration from the ladies who keep on going even after that. That tells me a lot.

 

[sumatwsimit]

Laura

First you are not selfish at all! Second, I think that most of us have been in your situation few times, when we just want to give up TTC. I often think What is the point! I find it stressful the fact of coneciving and then worrying the fact of holding a prengancy and then I just want to give up. But I think it is natural fear for me, and doubts, and we all have different doubts at some point.

But as Ready says, I don´t want to give up to the joys of motherhood! I don´t have any children yet, but I want to experience being a mum, and when I have doubts I always thing about that

i totally get you.

 

[peacebaby]

^^^ me too, it's a whole different kind of worry

 

[alison29]

I did not understand the term unconditional love until I had my children. I also did not know the meaning of tired. It is a strain on the relationship for most. It has helped me mature into a less selfish person. It's worth it though the good BY far outweighs the bad. It's the best thing I have ever done I wish they could stay this innocent and sweet forever!