Just a vent. Can't hold my baby. :(

[angiepie]

He's 6 days old and I still haven't held him. I think about it alllll the time, it's so tempting to just pick him up out of the incubator! He was born at 24+6 and is now 25+5. I am hoping I'll get to hold him this week but I won't be surprised if I still can't.

I feel like I can't bond with him and it doesn't feel real and I'm just waiting to be able to hold him and smell him for that to change. I hate going home each day without a baby or being pregnant, I feel like the biggest fake. And coz I'm single I go home to empty house each night. I do have an intimate relationship with my pump, though.

 

[AP]

Can you take Harrison's blanket and give him another? You can swap them round now and again. Its a good technique to help you pump, and baby gets your scent too.

The day for cuddles will come hun

 

[Srrme]

I'm sorry. I know how tough it is, but your day will come. Are you able to swaddle him with your hands in the incubator?

 

[angiepie]

I can put my hands on his torso and that's it. His head's covered in CPAP gear now. He doesn't have a blanket or wear clothes. He doesn't even wear the hat they put on him when he was born, just a nappy and I'm not allowed to do the nappy changes. I was allowed to take the hat home and when I went to get it out of his draw under the humidicrib the other day, it was gone. I don't know where it went but there's a new, unworn one there now and I don't think the worn one's coming back.

I've been sleeping with a little blankie toy to put in his bed but when I asked the other day the nurses said you can't put anything in there for infection control. They won't even let us stick a sign on the outside of the crib. It's so strict. I hear of people doing that sort of stuff all the time, and of holding their babies from even 24 weeks.

Every nurse says something different about when I can hold him. One I asked last night indicated it'd be at least another week.

 

[kit10grl]

Sorry to hear your struggling. DD was 3 and a bit weeks old before i got to hold her and i remember how hard it is. Our hospital was also really strict with putting things in the cot as DD had surgery at a few days old so the risk of infections was very high. The moment you get to hold them does come eventually though. Make sure you take your camera every time you go just in case today is the day. The nurse who fianlly let me hold her took lots of lovely pictures of me holding her that first time for me because hubby was at home with our other baby. I love those pictures, everyone whose ever comented always says how happy i look in them. In the mean time you can still help baby bond with you with the sound of your voice by talking and reading to them. And even just laying your hand on his torso will be helping, i could only lay fingers on her forehead for ages but if she was crying and i did that she would immediatly stop because it helped her feel less alone. Fingers crossed for you you get that cuddle soon.

 

[angiepie]

Hi ladies, thanks for the replies. Just to update yesterday I got to hold my little guy for 20 mins at 8 days/26 weeks! It pays to ask every day- finally I had a nurse who, while hesitant, agreed to trial it for 'just a minute'. Turns out he loves it and was so stable lying there she left him that long. It was magical and I can't wait for next time! Really glad I asked coz she was umming and ahhing not sure if she should let me but of course it all went perfectly well!

 

[DonnaBallona]

congratulations AngiePie, those are memories made to treasure

 

[vermeil]

Aww yes congratulations! I didn't hold my son for weeks and I remember all too well how hard it was. There were also many misplaced items that were soooo precious to me. Hats, his first soother etc etc when I went to bring them home they were gone. Nicus are so hectic I understand this happens but I was really upset each time. I'll never forget the wonderful night nurse who dug through garbage for a half hour looking for his soother that had disappeared that night. Then she went through so much trouble finding an identical replacement that I could bring home. Seems like such a small thing but it meant the world to me. I only saw her that one shift. Four years later I still think about her, bless her wherever she is now.

 

[Srrme]

Awww! I'm glad you got to hold him.

 

[katy1310]

Very glad you got to hold him! I always found Sophie was so stable when she was out, but cuddles were few and far between, and we had to wait 3 weeks (me) and 3 weeks 4 days (DH) for our first cuddles.

As for bonding, I worried about that too, but honestly, Sophie and I could not be closer. It may not happen immediately, or even properly until you get him home, but once it starts, the bond just keeps on growing. Sophie and I have an absolutely amazing bond now. She's 4 past March. I used to think we'd never bond and was so worried that she would think the nurses were her mummies! There will come a day when you wonder what you were worried about, I promise! xxx

 

[RcdM]

Aww glad to hear you got to hold him. And I LOL'ed at the comment about the intimate relationship you have with your pump, hahaha! I know that all too well!

As for bonding, I had my dd at 30 weeks, she in the NICU for 5 weeks and even though I got to hold her a littler earlier on, I really felt so disconnected from her for a while. It took about 3 months for me to finally feel like we had a "bond". I loved her of course but for a while I felt like a bad mom for not feeling like super attached to her and it took a while for reality to set in that she is MY baby and she came out of ME and I am a MOM now.

But looking back I think it's normal to happen when you have a baby prematurely or have a baby that has to stay in the NICU for a while. No one ever warned me of that though, I just thought I was a terrible person at first! She is now a happy healthy crazy 2 year old who I love more than anything in the world!

 

[Betheney]

It's the only part of our hospital stay that still brings tears to my eyes. Remi was born at 33weeks so nothing like you had. But I remember the visits and being advised that I can't hold him that day. I was always so devastated and that long desire to hold and bond and snuggle. My whole pregnancies all I want to do is hold them in my arms. It's cruel that you cant. You're not alone and your feelings are valid. It will get better.

 

[Kiwiberry]

I completely know how you feel. My baby girl was born almost 2 days ago on October 7th at 27+6. Every time I see her a part of me is really sad that I can't just pick up my baby and take her home with me when I am discharged tomorrow. These next couple of months is going to be complete torture for me and my fiance.