Just can't do it anymore

[xCeex]

I feel like dying right now.

I have been TTC since April last year, I had a miscarriage in Dec but didn't find out till I lost it... I had period's all through the pregnancy. That was the worst thing, doing a test a seeing a positive result then having a scan and told there isn't anything there. Then waiting for the blood test results, doctor dragged it out and told me I'm either very early in pregnancy or I've had a miscarriage. I knew in my heart I'd lost my baby. A few days later they came back as 12, very low.
The weird thing is, I think I knew I was pregnant, but didn't want to test because of the disappointment of a BFN so I left it plus I was having period's so it couldn't of been possible?! I had a dream that I was pregnant, I saw the baby in the womb, I just knew I was.

I had been going through a very very stressfull time before finding out, a big family truama. I was smoking prob 20+ cigs a day and loads of caffein. That leads me to think it was my fault.

I just don't know how to let it all go? Its been what, 6 months? And I'm still so bitter, specially my friends and their friends who are like under twenty and are getting pregnant at the click of their finger. Its just so unfair.
I have been very spitefull towards certain women when they've announced they are preg.

I still sit here sometimes and cry for hours, happens when I'm out too. I take it out on my fiancee too, he gets upset and explains it hurts him also. But me being selfish I think because its my body, no one else can feel my pain. I had

I keep thinking "this month I'd be 7 months gone" I should have a big bump right about now! I think thats the thing that hurts the most. Knowing you got there and it got taken away and now I have to try all over again. I keep thinking of my due date, its not far away now. It was the same as my fiancee's birthday. Its gonna be so hard when it comes around.

Its effected my relationship, we argue all the time. I don't feel intimate with him anymore, because its become all about babies. I try to forget it but its always at the back of my mind. I tell him when I'm ovulating and it seems he doesn't care anymore. I even brought O tests and when I got a pos he left me for 5 days.. its just one big strain.

I told myself last month I need to let go, I need to move on. I need to stop obsessing about getting pregnant, it will happen when it happens and I did..
But this month, my period is 9 days late. I have done like 10 tests.. all come back a BFN! I just feel so down, its like God is tourturing me. Why make my period so late if I'm not pregnant? I can't stand it any longer.


Everyone says "it will happen again" thats not the point. I had a baby there, it should still be here. I don't want to try again, I shouldn't have to.

I couldn't but that in words properly, I'm sorry if that all came out wrong.

I just needed to write it somewhere.

Sorry for your losses too, I know most of you have been through worse. I hope that didnt come out selfish.

 

[mummymarsh]

hello -it didnt come out selfish, it came out lik you wee grieving for your little baby. which is normal and to be expcted.. it does sound like you need to take a break from TTC for a while so you can continue your grief properly and work things through wit your fiance....

we all here understand how you are feeling....

i lost Charlie 9 weeks ago at 24+3 weeks, i would be 34 weeks now when i think about that it breaks my heart i had to give birth to him like it was a normal birth, knowing i would never hear him cry or see him open his little eyes.... but myself and husband turned to th bright side.... we talk about him constantly, visit his grave twice a week... and i bought a journal for him so i could write to him.... we are fortunate enough to hav 2 year old daughter who has been mmy rock and gt me through it....

try and turn to someone an open up.... if you relax you may find you get BFP sooner than expected....

keep smiling xxx

 

[mwaah]

MummyMarsh, I'm so sorry about your loss.

xCeex, I'm sorry for your loss and sorry you feel like this. But it is only natural to be grieving like this. You'll never get over the one you lost but it will get a tiny bit easier everyday.
We are on our second m/c and have decided to take a break to keep our sanity and enjoy the little boy we already have.
Don't beat yourself up thinking you made yourself miscarry. From 13 dpo I gave up caffeine, nurofen and ate so healthy and the bean still didin't stick. I think most m/c are due to a defective egg not what we do, although we do try and lessen the risk.
I know its hard but now you know you can get pregnant, one of those little beans will stick!!
Goodluck and give your OH a huge hug, cos we sometimes forget they are going through it too.
xxx

 

[LadyKate1980]

I'm so sorry for your loss.
You are not alone in this, and your feelings are absolutely normal. I'd love to be able to say that when we lose a baby that we are all gracious and saintly and ladylike in the face of other's successes in fertility, but often we're not....we're like 2 year olds who dropped our ice cream cone and want to pull the hair of that pretty little blonde 3 year old who is enjoying her two scoops of ice cream on a sugared cone, hahaha! Grief reduces our ability to cope, temporarily, with some of life's events. I have thrown my share of tantrums and pity parties, as have many moms I know who have lost their babies.

You didn't cause your MC, it's not your fault, and God willing, you will be pregnant again one day soon....you just have to wait out this nasty cycle of grief. Just flow with it...all rivers end in the sea, and you will reach your emotional destination eventually if you just hang on! I'm right there with ya!

 

[20102001]

I completely understand ...

We started TTC in the Jan/Feb of 2009
Didn't get pregnant until May 2010 and then had a mmc at 8 weeks

We then had IVF in Jan of this year.

I was only 19 when we started and couldn't cope with women in town swinging their Mamasandpapas bags around I would go home in floods of tears.
I would bitch about pregnant people and make rude comments.
I couldn't serve pregnant people in work, I would have to walk off or just wouldn't even look or speak to them as I was serving ...

When I seen someone from school, a girl I used to be inseperable from, at 8 months pregnant at another firend's 21st I made every effort to go and speak to her and be nice and ask about teh baby etc, etc and she was so rude and short with me and I then thought f*ck you to all pregnant women ...

The only thing we can try to do is stay positive and as hard as it is fill our days with other stuff and keep busy and our minds off it.

I wish you the best wishes