Just don't know what to do with my 11yo ds

[Mama Duck]

I have 5 boys aged 17,13,11,8 & 4. My 17yo lives with my ex and my 13yo is visting them and will be home tonight. My concern is my 11yo.

He's always been a handful but the last few years have been extremely trying for us as a family. Just over a year ago he went through quite a violent stage with another boy at his school (this boy was a year older and has since gone to a different school),both boys would rub each other up the wrong up and my ds was very close to being excluded from school over it.

Last year we suffered 2 mc's (we only told him the first one as it had a devastating effect on us all).

This September he started secondary school and on the whole he's settled in well but there has been 2 occasions where he has totally refused to go in,on these 2 occasions he was crying and was throwing things (it was like a mini breakdown). We spoke to his head of year who had a meeting with ds and dh to see if anything had happened at school. Ds said nothing had happened he just 'didn't want to go in'. He was offered a chance to see the school counsellor but he turned it down.

Living at home has become quite unbearable. Every day I wake up dreading what lies ahead. I'm constantly walking on eggshells around him. He throws things,is very physical with his 8yo brother (who does wind him up to see what reaction he will get) and is always telling me he hates me and that I'm a bitch.

I was due to take my 4yo ds out to the local Sure Start Centre this morning for a road safety session. My 11yo kicked off saying he didn't want to go and was going to stay at home. I replied that I didn't want to leave him at home on his own and that we were all going. He refused,kept telling me no. As a result we stayed at home and my 4yo was upset at not going out. There are other things planned at the SS centre but I don't think we'll be able to go.

I am getting to the point where I am becoming quite scared of my 11yo. I have asked him why he behaves like this to which he shrugs his shoulders and mumbles 'dunno'. It's almost like there's 'something wrong' with him but I don't know what (by that I don't mean autistic etc,just something darker iykwim). I've suggested going to see our gp for help but my ds doesn't seem to care.

He makes me feel like a crap parent and I do question my abilities as a parent as I struggle to control him. He's rude,disrespectful and aggressive. He back chats and he's always telling me 'no' and 'shut up'. I've spent all morning in tears and I don't know where this is going to end

This was not what I signed up for when I became a parent.

 

[fuzzballxxx]

hugs. Has he got friends at school? secondary school is horrible place if you haven't got friends or if he's not managing the work? is there a reason you wouldn't let him stay home for an hour on his own? maybe a little bit of trust from both of you is something to think about, you trust him to be on his own and in return he respects you and treats you better. It isn't fair that your little one had to miss out. 11 is a funny age hormones all over the place ect maybe (if possible) do something just you and him cinema or something and he might open up abit.

 

[NuKe]

I think you need to take him to the GP. They can refer him for counselling. He's obviously got some anger issues and perhaps needs some kind of direction? Does he do any activities or sports? I was very much the same at that age, and my parents just plodded on and did their best. Tbh, I made their lives a living hell for a few years. Until they forced me to go see a counsellor. It took a good while but she really helped me focus and deal with my issues.

 

[Mama Duck]

Hi ladies,thank you for taking the time to reply.

Fuzzball - yes he has a wide circle of friends,he's always being invited out and has the opportunity for a sleepover this week.

Nuke - yes he plays football - he's the Joey Barton of the U12s . . .

I can't see this situation getting any better right now. If he's this angry at the age of 11 Lord knows how he'll be at the age of 16.

 

[angiepie]

Perhaps he has feelings of depression? Kids who have these feelings often don't know what it is like older people, so they act out in different ways. It might be worth a GP appointment with him. The GP can do a quick assessment and refer you to someone else.

I can imagine that this must be a really difficult time for you. As someone who was a horrible teenager to their parents, I can say that it won't last forever! It may not be what you signed up for, but it's clearly an important part of your parenting journey. You sure are proving what a great mom you are by the way you are looking for help on here and by the fact that you've persisted this long. Don't sell yourself short. I think you're doing a great job.

You may like to see a counsellor for yourself, even if just to get everything off your chest. My mom did this when I was too much of a handful and I think it helped her a lot. I suggest talking about your feelings and concerns with your DH. Just don't give up! You are a wonderful mom and an amazing woman for trying to help yourself and your son!

 

[holly2234]

I dont really know your situation but does he get any time thats just you/his dad and him? Just Son and parent time? He could possibly be feeling like he has to fight for attention.

I am not for one second saying nobody is paying him attention, things just seem a whole lot different at that age than they do to us. He may feel like his older brothers are allowed to do more than he is and the younger ones are getting more attention and going to do things he is too old for.

Maybe a day out with just the two of you if thats possible. He might open up to you about anything thats going on at school.

I hope things get better!

 

[k.mcmahan2010]

Oh hun, I know I'm not a parent but I feel for you. My younger brother just turned 12 last month and if I didn't know better I'd say you were my mom writing that!

My brother throws massive fits. It reminds me of a 2 year tantrum..but on a 12 year old scale if that makes sense. Constantly tells my mom she's a bitch, horrible mother, everything in the book.

This has been going on for years. A couple years ago he was referred to counseling and has since seen a counselor and talked to her but TBH it doesn't work (for him, it might for your son.) because he refuses to do what she suggests like write in a notebook why he's angry, punch a pillow, go sit in his room alone for a while. She eventually diagnosed him with ODD (obsessive defiance disorder), but personally I think it's a load of bull, because he can behave and be soooo sweet when he wants to...he's also been diagnosed with ADHD since he was about 5 or 6 I believe, but again, I don't believe it either, but that's a while 'nother story.

He does have some friends, one is a really good friend of his that practically lives at my parents house, but they also fight all the time. Physically and verbally. But I don't think he has very many friends at school (he just started middle school, which I think is about the equivalent of secondary school) and he gets picked on (but I think he picks on others as well so I'm not really sure if that can relate to anything or not...) and a lot of times he begs to stay home, or to get picked up early. Lately he's had a thing for going to the nurse and saying he's sick and having the nurse call my mom to go pick him up, and as soon as he gets home he wants to go play and admits that he isn't sick, he just didn't want to stay in school!


Sorry, I know it's not any advice, i just wanted to let you know that you're not alone! You can PM me if you want to talk, although he's not my son, I'm very close with my mom and know how hard it is for her!

 

[17thy]

Wow I have absolutely NO idea if this is even possible but right after I was raped I started really getting violent in school, and angry and horrible at home to the point where my mom literally tricked me into going to a girls home but they wouldn't let her leave me there. 5 years later I finally told them what happened and I had been misdiagnosed bipolar because of it.
I hope you figure it out.

 

[JASMAK]

Sounds like he needs some counselling...wanting to or not! I think you should not offer it, but TELL him he's going. As far as school, I love my son, but if he told me he wasn't going in, I would tell him either he's going in on his own, or I will take him by the hand and walk him in there...message being, EITHER WAY, he is going. My son will have little melt downs (well, big sometimes) and I just lay down the law. I don't have as many kids as you, but I am sure you can appreciate, I have no time to deal with a temper tantrum. So I don't. DSi has been taken away for weeks, no playdates...one day I packed up everything but his bed in his room, and it went in the garage.