Just finally feel like letting it all out.

[Betheney]

Heyo

My baby boy Remi was born at 33+4 because i had severe PE so was induced. He's now 6 months old and doing reasonably well, a few hiccups here and there.

All in all i think i coped with everything that happened pretty well, i think i only remember one tearful breakdown during his entire stay which finishe at just under 3 weeks. During the whole time i just focused really hard on not all those miserable sad thoughts that were going to keep me down, i insisted on an upbeat attitude and like most mums threw myself into being at the hospital as much as possible and into pumping. I got into a routine of dropping my toddler off at daycare or a baby sitter then going straight to the hospital spending the day there, then going home feeding hubby and toddler dinner then going back to the hospital to do a night feed. I thought i did really well and was honestly pretty positive the whole time, people used to ask how hard it is and i was always say with complete honesty that i'm doing pretty well. But everytime i look back on our journey i get all choked up and can't think about it.

There's just so many things that i struggled with and i just feel like i want to finally get it out.

I didn't know that i wouldn't be allowed to hold him, i just had no idea. I knew he wouldn't come home with us, i knew he wouldn't be able to feed very well, i knew i wouldn't have skin to skin the moment he was born and i think the preparation i did for his birth made a huge difference in how well i coped with the stay. But one thing i didn't know was that i wouldn't be allowed to hold him. I was completely not expecting that. Some nurses said i can get him out multiple times a day and some said it's been too much and he can't come out again. So i never knew if that day was going to be a day where it wouldn't be a problem or where they were going to say no. It was so awful, just down right awful, going to the nursery with balls under my feet knowing i get a snuggle only to be told he's been out too much that day they think it's best he stay in. It was just so soul destroying. Of course i didn't argue and wanted to do what was best despite my feelings so when they could see me visibly upset they would say maybe they could make an exception but i always refused saying if they really recommend he stay in then he must stay in. But it just didn't make it any easier, it was such a huge let down. I longed to hold him, to kiss his cheek to smell his hair and to feel his warm body on my chest and to be told that it's not happening i just can't even... think about. Even now i'm starting to cry again.

The second thing that really got me i think grew from the first, i do not blame the staff at all but this constant feeling that he wasn't even mine. I felt like he belonged to the hospital and i was allowed to see and have him when they permitted. I bathed him when they said so, i fed him when they said so, i held him when they said so, everything i did i had to run by them. I just wanted him to be mine and not theirs. It just felt so awful, i was in this constant feeling that i didn't even have a baby, they have a baby that they let me visit. They told me on day 2 i think that he'd had a few meconium movements and i was just so miserable that i didn't even change his first nappy, not even his first poo. The day i was to leave hospital i remember being so jubilant and just over the moon he was coming home and that he was finally MINE!!! only to have the nurses tell me that for the next two weeks he is still an in-patient of the hospital so i will have daily weigh ins by a nurse who will visit my house and if he doesn't gain adequate amounts of weight over the next two weeks they will re-admit him into the nursery straight away and he'll stay there until he is gaining adequately. I remember my heart just sinking, i knew that the program was a great idea and if we had any problems it was fantastic that we didn't have to go through the emergency department or our GP. But it just hurt that he still wasn't even mine, even though he was coming home with me, he was still their baby and i was still playing by their rules and still running everything by them.



I think about his stay so much and it still get's me down, i'm hoping that letting a bit of it out will help with the healing process.

I think that's enough for tonight anyway.

 

[Pink_Sparkle]

Hiya, Just wanted to offer you some hugs. I know exactly what your going through feeling like your baby isnt yours. Ive got a 23 weeker whos been in the NICU almost 7 weeks. When I come to the hospital to visit my baby, everyday I see couples bringing out their new baby's in their car seats to go home and I feel so envious....also when I see new mums being wheeled past in their beds holding their new baby. A new baby that's not on a ventilator or cpap etc.
I KNOW that my baby is mine and its a case of reminding myself what is best is best for him and that it wont be forever. I try and take the positives out of a very difficult situation...Ive already buried one baby so I know having a 23 weeker, things could have been very different so in that sense I am very blessed.

At our hospital we have regular appointments with a psychologist to discuss how me and DH are coping with life in the NICU. It really helps to talk things over and have some support. Is there anything like that available at your hospital?
If there isnt you always have support here anyway hun xxx

 

[misspriss]

I know how you felt. No one told me I couldn't hold mine, except when he was under the Bili lights, they said only out for 1 hour per day. But I was afraid to take him out unless they said I could, while he still had the IVs and stuff. I now wish I had insisted on kangaroo care, there was no reason I could not hold him all the time. He was in the incubator to keep warm, and I would be better at it. I kick myself all the time.

My man was 33+5, pre-eclampsia.

 

[jandksmommy]

I think having a preemie is one of the hardest things a mommy can go through. I wish I could give every mom on this forum a huge hug. No one will ever understand these feelings except for another mom who has been through it or is going through it.

All my children were premature. My twins were born around 33 weeks and spent 3 weeks in hospital. I thought all would be well with my second pregnancy as there was only one bundle this time Unfortunately, my body had issues and she was born at 23 weeks and had a very long 4 months in nicu.

I have to say that I am surprised that you ladies couldn't hold your LOs. I was strongly encouraged to do as much Kangaroo care as possible. At a week old and just over a pound, a nurse and respiratory therapist would place my LO on my chest, tape all her vent and iv tubes to my shoulder so they wouldn't get pulled and there I would sit for hours. I would usually hold her 3-4 hours twice a day. Amazing that the policies are so different from country to country.

 

[Betheney]

thanks so much for all the love ladies, i really appreciate it.

They just said that i couldn't hold him too much because his temperature doesn't stay as regulated as it is in the crib and also it just spends too much of his energy because holding him always means waking him up and jostling him about and the more awake time he has the more energy he loses and that means less weight gain.

 

[juicyfruity]

I get that hun, asking for 'permission' to hold your baby, change their nappy etc is just heartbreaking and feels completely wrong!

 

[jandksmommy]

Reese couldn't regulate temp either but the school of thought here (Canada) was that preemie's temp, heart rate, breathing and O2 all regulate better while having skin to skin with mommy. It amazed me... she would be having difficulties with fluctuating stats and 5 minutes after being put on my chest, everything would even out and stay regulated for the entire time. I did have to commit to staying put for at least 1 hour as it was alot of work to get her on my chest (she was so tiny!!) and she could only be disturbed for kangaroo care a couple times a day but I could keep her out as long as she was tolerating it... she loved it!

 

[Betheney]

i wanted to hold Remi more. Maybe it's because i was asking to try breastfeeding when i was asking to bring him out. Maybe if i'd just asked to do kangaroo care instead of attempting to feed they might have allowed it more. Because they all loved kangaroo care and promoted it, yet only let me have him out once or twice a day.

I was just so determined to breastfeed i wanted him to have as much practice as possible, the days where he never made it to the breast you could really see it the following day with how he fed.

 

[jandksmommy]

That makes alot of sense, trying to feed takes alot out of them when they are that small. It was never an option for us, Reese was so preemie. She was 3 months old before she could breath well enough on her own to attempt eating. By then, all my attempts to get milk production had failed so I had nothing for her.