just looking for some support/understanding.. [kind of long]

[akblaze]

Hi ladies! I didn't know if this fit in the third tri forum and was hoping you ladies would definitely understand...

Well, quick history: I had a decently normal pregnancy with DD. Had bleeding all through first trimester which my OB placed me as a high risk patient. Braxton hicks started at 14 weeks with her and continued every day all day through the entire pregnancy. at 24 weeks I was told I have an "irritable uterus." At 32 weeks (31 weeks but she was measuring ahead at the ultrasound that week so we got to place her a week ahead!! ) I had a tiny tiny bit of spotting and decided to just get it checked to be safe. I was 5cm dilated so got admitted to the hospital. Progressed to 6cm by that night (on bed rest and while being given contraction meds to stop it). Finally I stopped progressing, three days later they sent me home to wait it out. We made it to 35 weeks! Amazing, really. However, the NICU was SO hard on us emotionally. I felt so blessed for making it to 35 weeks but it was not what I expected becoming a mom would be like.. I couldn't hold my baby girl because she was in an incubator. She was 5.14 which is a great weight for 35 weeks but she couldn't maintain her body temp and couldn't eat so was tube fed. She came home at 15 days old. I never want to experience the NICU again, the nurses and doctors were wonderful but the emotional rollercoaster was too hard on me. When we came home, I was convinced I failed as a mom and that she hated me... us bonding through breastfeeding is what saved me from falling into postpartum depression really. Now she is almost 17 months and a wild, adorable, crazy fun toddler. (sorry if that wasn't exactly "quick"!! )

Now I am just about 30 weeks pregnant with our second (and definitely last). This pregnancy has been a much harder time. 20 weeks we saw my cervix was on the short side but nothing to worry about.
27 weeks it was down to 2.4cm which worried the midwife and OB (because it was a big change from 20 wks) so they placed me on modified bed rest. two weeks later it was up to 2.6cm. So, better! I'm still on modified bed rest because baby has dropped and the midwife is worried that "normally" when second baby's drop labor is close behind. I get sharp shooting pains down there all the time and constant "braxton hicks" sometimes I get 1-2 an hour sometimes it's 16+ an hour... which has been going on for so long. So I hate to say this but, I NEVER go in or call because of the contractions.. I'm just so used to them. I will also add that when I found out I was 5cm with DD I never had any different or unusual contractions. Just the normal "braxton hicks" I had been used to!!

Two days ago I was 1cm dilated and she could feel baby's head pushing down. So we know this could go either way at this point.. he could stay put or could come early...
They went ahead and gave me a round of steroid injections just in case.
The steroid injections helped DD so much, she had zero breathing problems so I feel good about getting those but I don't want another NICU stay.. I'm so jealous of the normal birth stories. My dream was a water birth in my midwifes office's birth center.. I want to hold my baby right away, delay cord clamping, breastfeed ASAP... but I feel all of this slipping away as I know, all these feelings and pressure I have I don't see my body holding out. Even my midwife has said my body just hates being pregnant...

I'm just gutted.. I wanted a normal pregnancy and normal labor/delivery. I wanted to bring a day old baby home to meet his big sister. I am so tired of people telling me "I'm sure you'll make it to term this time!" or "1cm isn't bad, women can get to 4-5cm and stay that way for weeks!" I KNOW all this but the point is my history scares the crap out of me... I am TERRIFIED!

I know it's not over until it's over, I'm trying to stay positive but sometimes it is so hard... Please stay put little man.. and please body, stay strong!

I'm sorry if I sound like a big baby... I'm just so scared and all of my family and friends are seriously zero help...

 

[cherrylips100]

Bless you. I can understand how you must be feeling, the nicu is exhausting and I dont think others can truly comprehend what its really like to go through it. However it IS very likely that you'll go to term so keep reminding yourself that you are one day closer everyday. If you do happen to have another preemie, you will know what to expect this time and (i know its hard) just think this will be a tiny period of time in yours and your babies life.

 

[Lucy529]

I'm going through the same thing just delivered my son on Sat at 35 weeks although he's doing great and just needs to learn to suck on a bottle I feel as tho I've failed him the nurses and drs are great but I just want my son with me not in the incubator

 

[jandksmommy]

I understand what you are feeling. After my first pregnancy ended early with my twins being born at 33 1/2 weeks. I was so excited to have a chance at a 'normal' pregnancy with my second. It started out wonderfully, none of the problems I had with the twins, but something went horribly wrong and she was born at 23 1/2 weeks.

It took awhile to get over the fact that I never got my 'normal' pregnancy, that it was 2 1/2 weeks in the NICU for the twins and 4 months in the NICU for my daughter before I got to bring my babies home.

In the end though, I have 3 beautiful children... and that is all that matters. The emotional turmoil, the stress, the tears, the heartbreak, the horror... all of it... I would do over a million times just to see their smiling faces and hear their giggles.

What you are feeling right now is completely normal and totally what I felt but if it gives you any comfort at all, there will come a time when you are watching your beautiful children playing and all of this that you are dealing with now will be a distant memory and you will smile with a heart full of love.

Try and stay positive, you are in my thoughts.

 

[akblaze]

Wow ladies! I could cry!!! Thank you soooo much for such kind words. I often feel so bad complaining about having a 35 weeker because I know it could be so much worse.
The midwife that put me on bed rest (per the OB) is not my normal midwife, she is just my "back up" while mine was out of town. Well my midwife is back and she took me OFF bed rest. I am still getting the braxton hicks contractions 24/7. She said if they aren't any less while on bed rest then there is no point to being on bed rest. When she checked my cervix it was 1.5cm dilated. She didn't tell me the effacement but said my cervix was a decent length so she wasn't worried about that. I am just supposed to take it easy and go in if anything changes. Which, with DD nothing ever changed or felt different so I am glad she is seeing me weekly to keep an eye on things. I have been hanging in there there!!!

Cherrylips Thank you so much for your kind words, I am trying so hard to be positive. As I get closer and closer to 32 weeks (when I found out I was 5cm with DD) I feel as though I am walking on egg shells. But I am trying to have faith in the progesterone injections that we have been doing.. I just want to make it to 37 weeks and I will be the HAPPIEST.. this is our last baby so I just want that experience of bringing a newborn straight home!!!

Lucy I am so sorry to hear about having your son at 35 weeks. When I was at the hospital in preterm labor I was prepared by the NICU staff what to expect. (obviously they were telling me the worst case scenario of everything) and at the same time as we made it further and further past 32 weeks people (on B&B) would tell me "35 weeks, she'll go straight home!" But she didn't. It was the most exhausting, stressful, worrisome 15 days of my life. Not at all what I ever expected becoming a mom would be like. All I wanted to do was snuggle my little girl but I couldn't since she was in an incubator as well. Every three hours I could hold her/feed her for 30-45 minutes. That was all. So I understand completely what you are going through. How is he doing now? My daughter had to also learn how to eat and needed to chunk up so she could maintain her body temp. 5lb 14oz and she still couldn't maintain it! Please know though that you did not fail him. I felt the same way after having DD and even when she came home I was convinced she hated me and didn't need me. I cried so much... at the time I was pumping and bottle feeding her but transitioning to breastfeeding really helped us create an amazing bond. Without breastfeeding, I'm afraid I would've slipped into some bad postpartum depression. I felt like I had failed her and I know I'll feel that way if I have our son early.. it's hard, as a woman, to not feel that way when we are supposed to carry these baby's to term so they are healthy and ready for the outside. Even my midwife said my body hates being pregnant and it was like a punch to the gut, all I ever wanted was to be a mommy. I know though that we haven't failed these little ones, I try to tell myself she just couldn't wait to meet us! keep your head up mama, feel free to pm me!

jandksmommy Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear your story.. what a shock after having twins at 33 weeks to have a singleton at 23 weeks.. what a blessing she is! I feel so bad sometimes for complaining about 15 days in the NICU when your LO was there for 4 months!!
I think that's one reason why this pregnancy is so hard on me emotionally, I know this will be our last baby and to know I may never get my "normal" pregnancy and "normal" birth really hurts. I have always envisioned me having an amazing water birth.. that's still my goal this pregnancy if I can make it to 38 weeks.
You are so right now, no matter how this pregnancy turns out.. whether he's early, late, or right on time.. as long as he gets here safely and I have my two beautiful children then everything will be okay. Eventually it will be a distant memory, as you said.

 

[Lucy529]

Hi Hun sorry took me awhile to get back to you my son finally began to eat and we came home yesterday. He still weighed a bit less than at birth but I'm glad he's home, a bit exhausting but way better than NICU

I too am trying to establish bf but it's getting harder and harder, I hope he gets it soon if not he'll stay on formula

 

[akblaze]

Hi Hun sorry took me awhile to get back to you my don finally began to eat send we came home yesterday. He still weighed a bit less than at birth but I'm glad he's home, a bit exhausting but way better than NICU

I too am trying to establish bf but it's getting harder and harder, I hope he gets it soon if not he'll stay on formula

That's okay!! I am soo happy to hear that your little boy is home!!!! How wonderful!!! I'm sorry to hear breastfeeding is tough, it was quite the bumpy road with DD as well (she had a tongue tie that we didn't know about until 6 weeks) I was pumping and bottle feeding until then.. Have you seen a lactation consultant? I honestly wouldn't have made it much longer if it wasn't for them!! I'm sure the hospital knows where you can find one or if you search for the local La Leche League, they are amazingly helpful as well Best of luck! I am so so happy he is home and doing well!

 

[Lucy529]

Hi Hun sorry took me awhile to get back to you my don finally began to eat send we came home yesterday. He still weighed a bit less than at birth but I'm glad he's home, a bit exhausting but way better than NICU

I too am trying to establish bf but it's getting harder and harder, I hope he gets it soon if not he'll stay on formula

That's okay!! I am soo happy to hear that your little boy is home!!!! How wonderful!!! I'm sorry to hear breastfeeding is tough, it was quite the bumpy road with DD as well (she had a tongue tie that we didn't know about until 6 weeks) I was pumping and bottle feeding until then.. Have you seen a lactation consultant? I honestly wouldn't have made it much longer if it wasn't for them!! I'm sure the hospital knows where you can find one or if you search for the local La Leche League, they are amazingly helpful as well Best of luck! I am so so happy he is home and doing well!

Will look into it I really want to be successful in bf him even if I pump and use a bottle it's what I've been doing.

 

[kellymassage]

I can definitely relate. I just had my little girl at 35 weeks. She was going to by my last child and I had dreams of the perfect birth story! LOL I developed severe polyhydramnios and had to have an emergency C-section at 35 weeks! She spent 33 days in the NICU and had to have surgery at 2 days old! I held her the first day, one time, then couldn't hold her again until 8 days later! Now she is home and we will have to take her back in a few weeks for another surgery! (colostomy reversal) which is great, but I feel like I have to return her!! The best advice I can give, is try your hardest to not stress!!!! Relax and take very good care of your body! I know its scary but you never know this could go full term, I know that's not reassuring to hear! The best thing you can do is rest and not stress!! Stress is definitely not going to help! Try and stay positive as best as you can and if you have a weak moment, just come on here! We'll talk you through it

 

[jandksmommy]

Been thinking of you, Akblaze, and your little 'bean'. How are you both doing?

 

[akblaze]

Thank you so much, again, ladies!! You are all amazing! I really didn't expect such a wonderful response!

Kellymassage I am soo sorry to hear about your little girl.. how tough that must be! Having DD in the NICU was hard enough but having to also worry about them getting surgery must be terrifying. You are one strong mommy!!! You are so right, though, stress isn't going to help my situation at all! I am trying my best to remain positive! As I get closer and closer it seems to be getting a little easier!

jandksmommy, thank you so much for checking in.. you are a doll

I am doing well! We have made it to 33 weeks! I am currently about 1.5cm dilated and baby boy is VERY low. I knew going into my appt that he was low because now I have to pee aalllll the time and he is constantly hitting my cervix which is excruciating! It definitely makes me a little paranoid but DD was going up and down until delivery so I know he can always scoot back up. Just before Christmas DD came down with a tummy flu then when she was better, DH and I got it.. we were getting sick every 30-45 minutes and I was terrified I'd end up in the hospital over Christmas eve! Luckily, by that night the worst had passed and we were no longer getting sick. However, the midwife was quite nervous since getting sick so much can cause pressure down there and cause some progress. Luckily, that didn't happen!!!!!
The midwife took me off bed rest as well, I think it has really helped me deal with things emotionally.. on bed rest all I could think about was not going into labor! She said since I'm still getting the same amount of contractions on bed rest then there isn't a reason to keep me on it. We have been doing the fetal fibronectin tests every other week and so far they have all been negative which is also reassuring! I am nervous getting off the progesterone injections at 34 weeks though.. I feel like that is what has helped me make it this far with very little progress!

We are hanging in there getting of bed rest is what has really helped my sanity! It's nice being able to take DD to play dates again and get some mommy social time!
I am just so ready for Jan 25th when we hit that beautiful 37 week mark!!

 

[Lucy529]

Hi Hun glad things are going better FX lo stays in a bit longer will be thinking of you enjoy your mommy time

 

[jandksmommy]

So glad things are going better! Keep it up, you are doing awesome!

 

[akblaze]

Thanks ladies I'm doing okay now, but I'm focusing on taking it one day at a time and just trying to enjoy our last moments as a family of three!

as of yesterday I am 2cm and 70% effaced.. which is much better than last time! (I was 6cm and already admitted at this time with DD) I wasn't happy when the midwife told me I had progressed but she said she's happy since it is an improvement from last time and she already expects me to delivery between 35/36 weeks anyways. Hopefully, 36 at the earliest!!
I really appreciate all the understanding and support you ladies have given me!!

 

[Lucy529]

Praying that your little boy stays in as long as possible.