Just need to get some things off my chest

[GG76]

Hey ladies,
I've been a member on this site since before I became pregnant w my son (who is now 32 months), but i've been under the radar recently. My DH and I have always said if you have one, you need to have two (for companionship/socialization/not being that spoiled rotton only child). When my son turned one, my ob/gyn gave me the go ahead to start TTC#2, we ran with it. I always wanted my 2 children close in age, so they could be closer and enjoy each others company more. I was close w/my younger sister, who was 2 &1/2 years younger than me. My DH said he was not as close to his older brother b/c there was a 4 yr difference and they didn't get to play in team sports together or run in the same circles. We tried for a year (me being super a-type and marking anything and everything on a calendar, observing my CM incessantly, peeing on various sticks almost every day, constantly trying to diagnose any symptom I may have on early pregnancy, etc). I got to the point where I dreaded sex (b/c it became a chore around ovulation time), became depressed and overwhelmed. After all, I was still tending to a toddler and working 40 + hours outside the home. Plus we moved to a new city during that time. After about 14 months my ob/gyn and I had spoke about going to a fertility specialist since I'm in my mid-30's. My husband and i talked it over and decided if we couldn't have another one naturally, then maybe God was telling us we are good where we are (dec 2011). I've tried to believe this, but one of my close coworkers is pregnant and it has me really second guessing myself. I don't want to wake up one morning and come to the realization that I deprived my son of a sibling or myself of those precious little momments w a new baby. I also don't want to go thru a loss due to a miscarriage (since my age is on the brink of high risk) or go thru a divorce b/c of the stress this has added to our relationship. I had started back BCP for the last 3-4 months, but I stopped taking them because now I'm having these confused feelings again. And my DH thought we had made a final decision and believes we are ok w just one. I know I sound all over the place, but I am torn. I don't think I can go back to the peeing on a stick 24/7 and marking calendars. UGH! Thanks for letting me unload. No one I know fully understands. They just keep asking when I'm going to have #2. And my mom likes telling me how she got pregnant every remotely possible time there was a chance and how fertile my grandmother was.

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

We wanted our two close together as well because DH's closest (in age) sister is 3.5 years older and they aren't close at all... she was a psych major who liked to test her newly gained knowledge out on the family. Anyway, my older brother and I are only 2 years apart and we don't even speak to each other unless we absolutely have to, but my younger brothers and I get along very well... there is a 15 yr difference there. I don't think the age gap makes too much of a difference, personality does.

Have you tried bringing up your change of heart with DH? Maybe he is just trying to be strong for the both of you, but would like to start trying again casually. Let him know you don't want to use BC and try to have romantic time, not just "work" sex. Maybe book a night away to relax together? Promise no temping or POAS or HAVE to do it nights, just when you feel like it. Maybe he would be up to ttc again as long as it isn't as all consuming as before. There, unfortunately, is no escaping the emotional side of it though.
Best of luck