Just need to vent

[Boomerslady]

I just need to vent about FOB. Usually I keep it in but this has annoyed me, and really it's not a big deal but grrr!

Ben spends 3.5 days each with me and FOB. I got him back today at 4 and I asked what he'd done today. His answer was 'I went to the woods with E and another girl'. E is FOBs brothers GF. She lives at ex MILs house with the brother, so technically because FOB and Ben live there she sees Ben a lot, but I've never met her.

I asked Ben if his uncle was there it Dad and he said no. I text FOB asking because lately Bens been making things up, he replied 'yes he went with E and her sister for a walk' and ok it's not a huge deal but I don't know her. I trust that FOB trusts her iykwim but it just bugs me. Because I only have Ben for such a short time I never leave him with anyone, I cherish every minute with him. I don't have anyone close enough to just take him out for me, but even so I wouldn't I don't think. It's just annoyed me. And need to get it off my chest.

 

[teal]

I'd be annoyed as well. I definitely wouldn't want to think of my son being out a walk in the woods with people that I didn't know.

 

[Dezireey]

^ what she said.

I'd have a HUGE problem with my child being taken out with people that I don't know and without the other parent present. 3 years old is waay to young to be taken out to the woods with strange women the mother doesn't know.

I think you must spell it out to him that when your child (as he is so young) spends time with him, then he must only be with him and other people you have met or just alone with his father. Tell your ex that you will ask your son now every time where he has been and what he has been doing to make sure.

You are not making a big deal of things, this is unacceptable and you are not in the wrong at all with this.

grrrrr, that would piss me off too!

 

[babycrazy1706]

I'd be annoyed too hun!

 

[Boomerslady]

Thanks ladies, I'm kinda glad to know its annoy you too. I spoke to my sister about it, and she spun it round and said what if her OH (my BIL) was to take Ben out, would FOB have an issue with it, and although he might, I trust BIL and FOB knows him so it's a bit different.

I try to pick my battles with FOB because we go between civil and not talking and my life's so much easier when we're civil! I think ill briefly mention it doesn't sit well with me.

 

[Mummy1995]

I'd be so so angry

 

[Baby France]

I would be angry.

I would talk to him. Just say it shocked you and that if you'd had the chance to know about it, you'd probably feel better. Explain that you understand that sometimes these things happen but how would he feel if he suddenly went out with *someone he hasn't met*. Say you trust his judgement, you have to and he you, but on situations like this, you'd like to hear it in his 'we've done, x, y, z' than your son mentioning it?

My son mentioned going to 'daddy's new house' about 4 weeks ago. I was devastated because he'd told me we'd discuss any big moves like this. I then found out (from so) that a little girl lived there and all her stuff was there (FOB denied it.....apparently its got to look as though they live there ) DS was asking questions all week....'why is daddy living with this little girl and not me'.

I don't think that they realise the consequences of something that isn't a big deal to them!!

 

[Baby France]

I must say too...you're a bigger person than me! I don't think I could let FOB have my two for 3.5 days sooo hard xxx

 

[2have4kids]

Ha! My bro in law gets to see his kids once every two weeks for 2-3 days and he asked my oh & I to babysit for him so he could go shag his gf. Men are so self centred sometimes.
If I were you I'd start writing down each instance your child reports he's had someone else care for him. Put it in writing via text or email that you don't want Ben being taken care of by casual people in your ex's life. Document the pattern and anything else you feel is not right and in a year or two apply for more custody rights. Just ensure you print off the email you send him now for your files.
Why would you give you ex the heads up that you're going to ask your lo what he did each time? You're giving your ex the queue to be sneaky or to manipulate Ben to potentially hide the truth from you in the future.

 

[Baby France]

Ha! My bro in law gets to see his kids once every two weeks for 2-3 days and he asked my oh & I to babysit for him so he could go shag his gf. Men are so self centred sometimes.
If I were you I'd start writing down each instance your child reports he's had someone else care for him. Put it in writing via text or email that you don't want Ben being taken care of by casual people in your ex's life. Document the pattern and anything else you feel is not right and in a year or two apply for more custody rights. Just ensure you print off the email you send him now for your files.
Why would you give you ex the heads up that you're going to ask your lo what he did each time? You're giving your ex the queue to be sneaky or to manipulate Ben to potentially hide the truth from you in the future.

Right ok, I am completely NEW to this...being a single parent. But I don't get what benefit I get in regards to this? I would much rather be a parent that talks to my ex in regards to our children?

I've also been a child with separated parents and trust me the ONLY thing that playing games with each other happens is messing up and upsetting the kids!! Because ultimately as a 'separated parent' you become immune to it and look at a way to get back at the other parent....which has an affect on the child that NO ONE else seems to see?

I can't advise the OP any other way that I see fit. I personally think playing games is dangerous if you are able to sort it out in the old fashioned way of talking?

 

[Baby France]

AND it's not about asking the children what they've done.....its about what they randomly tell you what they've done? There is a difference!

 

[2have4kids]

Ha! My bro in law gets to see his kids once every two weeks for 2-3 days and he asked my oh & I to babysit for him so he could go shag his gf. Men are so self centred sometimes.
If I were you I'd start writing down each instance your child reports he's had someone else care for him. Put it in writing via text or email that you don't want Ben being taken care of by casual people in your ex's life. Document the pattern and anything else you feel is not right and in a year or two apply for more custody rights. Just ensure you print off the email you send him now for your files.
Why would you give you ex the heads up that you're going to ask your lo what he did each time? You're giving your ex the queue to be sneaky or to manipulate Ben to potentially hide the truth from you in the future.

Right ok, I am completely NEW to this...being a single parent. But I don't get what benefit I get in regards to this? I would much rather be a parent that talks to my ex in regards to our children?

I've also been a child with separated parents and trust me the ONLY thing that playing games with each other happens is messing up and upsetting the kids!! Because ultimately as a 'separated parent' you become immune to it and look at a way to get back at the other parent....which has an affect on the child that NO ONE else seems to see?

I can't advise the OP any other way that I see fit. I personally think playing games is dangerous if you are able to sort it out in the old fashioned way of talking?

Omg I didn't say to start playing games with your ex? Documenting things helps you to have a legal leg to stand on if things get worse. And I didn't mention to not speak to him about how you feel??? when you put things in writing after a meeting in the corporate world, it's simply a confirmation of what you've spoken about and of your expectations. something the courts would take into consideration if you needed to back yourself up in the future. But if you don't want to do these things you can do it whatever way you want, so I don't understand why this would make things dangerous?
I've seen my bro in law play stupid with an extremely manipulative, cold, calculating ex-wife. It's frustrating to watch as they both hurt the kids by not being bothered to protect them (her with stealing his time with the children and him by jacking off when he has time with his kids and her not calling him on it). And the manipulation is amazing...she's extremely strict so when they visit the father he buys them guns and they get to play all the violent video games with the understanding that they keep it a secret from mom it's all good. No one said to NOT let him know how you feel but telling him you're going to grill the LO when he gets back each time... you're egging on your ex to be more clever and less open with you. It's just something I'd personally keep under the hood. I wish you the best. You posted on here right? But you don't need to follow any advice you don't like and it sounds like you really didn't like anything I said. Really sorry to offend you.

 

[Baby France]

You didn't offend me? I am just questioning about the secrets between the parents that's all

It was the bolded bit that I wanted to ask about? I think that it be that you strive to have a working but separated relationship. I understand and completely appreciate how hard that can be, especially if you have different parenting ideas and a tough break up. I got from the opening post that it wasn't a 'questioning' about where he'd been, just a simple 'what have you been up to?' - isn't that a normal question that parents ask their children?

I think that because I've been 'the child' that's kept secrets on either side and involved in the stuff...the games are really dangerous and unfair on the kids?