Just need to vent

[txbiscuit]

Yesterday I found out my pregnancy isn't viable, and hasn't been for at least a week. I had a suspicion something was wrong (which is why I went in for blood work) but reality still hit me like a 2x4 to the face. I still haven't had even a tiny drop of spotting. My boobs are still painfully sore. I'm nauseous sometimes and have food aversions. I still have crazy vivid dreams, although now, admittedly, they're about dead babies.

I am so angry at my body for this whole experience. Why won't it just let this pregnancy go? Why won't my body just miscarry and let this be over? Am I just too old? I'm angry that I might need chemo drugs to dissolve a pregnancy that was never going to be viable anyway. If this is ectopic and my body didn't give me any warnings, is it even safe to try again? Why can't my body even do a miscarriage right?

I'm angry at my OH, who wants to talk about politics instead of what happened. "I know you're sad. But to me, it wasn't really a baby yet," he says. I'm angry at my coworkers, who bitch and moan and talk about minor changes at work like they're the second coming of Jesus. I'm angry that I can't take time off, and I'm angry that I have to pretend like nothing happened for 40+ hours a week lest I look like someone who doesn't put work first. The last thing I can handle is losing my job and benefits right now.

I don't think I feel sad. I'm not sure I have the right to feel sad. This happened once, early. I have a healthy daughter. So many people go through so much worse. The lady who took my blood said knowingly, "Oh, it's probably just a chemical pregnancy. That's really just a late period. It happens to some people." Why should I have a right to be sad? No one even seems to believe this was ever a baby except me. I feel empty. I feel frustrated that a year of TTC led to me walking around with an uncomfortably large pad on waiting for a miscarriage that won't start. I feel so very angry. But I don't feel sad.

I don't know if anyone has advice. I honestly don't know if I even need advice. I just couldn't carry this all around inside anymore.

 

[MissGossip]

I am so sorry you are going through all this. I had a MC in January and had been walking around for 2 weeks before my body decided to let go of the pregnancy, the sac was empty and the baby hadn't formed and it wasn't until I was 7 weeks it actually registered somethings was wrong. NOTHING is wrong with your body for not realising it yet, if your hormone levels are still high your body is actually do a wonderful job at keeping something and protecting the baby, it's not until your levels drop considerably that it will realise everything isn't okay. Be kind to yourself and your body, cry if you need to cry and moan if you need to vent that's what we are here for!

I just suffered my 2nd miscarriage yesterday and I only saw the heartbeat on Tuesday, believe me, knowing my body has got rid of the baby that fast when it was alive 24hrs previously doesn't make me feel any better! Just rest and be kind to yourself. Always here if you need to talk! Xx

 

[bumbleberry]

sorry about your loss. It hurts no matter when or how it happens.

Just take it easy which is hard especially when it seems like pregnant ladies are all around you.

Your emotions will be high, and you may feel numb at the minute. I felt numb for about 4/5 days and then I crumpled on Sunday when I was out for lunch with OH, all highly embarrassing in tears at the restaurant but I just couldn't stop, it was like the floodgates opened.

Ignore what that woman said about it being like a chemical, the fact is it was real to you and that's all that matters.

 

[lesondemavie]

A loss is devastating no matter when it happens, no matter your situation. Everyone has a right to grieve . Anger is a part of that process so let yourself feel it and move through it. My first pregnancy ended in an MMC at 8 weeks back in February and I only recently let myself admit to and feel the anger and jealousy I was keeping inside. I hate those emotions, but I'm finally letting my heart heal now that I've faced them. Ever hopeful that I will get to be a mom one day . I guess that's my advice though. Don't hold back. Feel what you feel and never apologize for it. You're doing the best you can, and maybe that hope that you can grow your family will come back in time.