Keeping father away from daughter

[FlumpsMamma]

Hi all, please don't jump down my throat for this.

About 3 months ago my daughter came home telling me a very detailed story of how her father had left her home alone while he went to the shop. She told me that he had locked her inside his flat so he could get milk from the shop 5 mins away from his home. Obviously I made sure she was telling the truth and contacted her father who denied it all. I believe my daughter and refuse to send her back to his on a weekend incase it happens again. Shes only 5! I arranged for him to have supervised contact at his parents house a few weeks after she told me everything. The day before she was supposed to go she called him and told him this and that and he called her a lier and said I was forcing her to say these things or she was just a lier. I obviously hung the phone up for her as she was very upset and told him he was not seeing her the next day to say things like that to her face. I've heard nothing for 3 months and have told him not to contact me but I feel very guilty. My daughter adores her father but I can't risk it. He has never paid child support or done much for her but that's not too important. Am I right in stopping him till she is of an age she can look after herself for a hour or so? She knows why she isn't seeing him but still blames herself and thinks I'm just being mean... Im torn apart.

 

[SarahBear]

Wait, is he turning down supervised visits? A father who cares would take that over nothing!

 

[CaptainMummy]

My eldest is the same age as your daughter. If her dad were to leave her in the house for 10 minutes alone, I would be very annoyed but I don't think i would have stopped her from going. He obviously thought it was okay, which we know it isn't, but maybe he genuinely didn't see the harm. I would've given him an earful and shown him how angry I was, but that would be that, and hopefully he would realise that it is not okay and it wouldn't happen again.
Your daughter is old enough to tell you if it did happen again and if it ever did, then yes, I would have stopped sending her after that, but not after the first incident.

I don't think stopping him from seeing her is the right thing to do tbh, especially as your daughter enjoys spending time with him, and thinks you are being mean. It's not like he intended to cause any harm,and he didnt. He made a dumb choice. In your situation, I would contact her dad and tell him how upset and angry you were at what happened, but you want your daughter to continue to have a relationship with him. Set boundaries, tell him that he must never do anything stupid like that again. It is the best thing for your daughter.

As much as I hate my ex, and the way he is and don't agree with some of his parenting choices (nothing serious, just little things) I couldn't just stop him from seeing the girls. They also enjoy spending time with him and it would be unfair on them if I just stopped that

 

[FlumpsMamma]

I arranged supervised contact and he called her a lier down the phone and gave me abuse. He denies he did anything wrong. The reason she never went to supervised contact is because of him, regardless of that I have said this Sunday she can go to his parents for an hour or two to see what happens

 

[BunnyN]

I can understand your concerns and they are valid. I think you are the only one who can decide what the right choices are under the circumstances. Just try and make sure your choices are based on what is best for your daughter and not personal hurt or anger. And try to keep your daughter out of the middle as much as possible, although in this case it was her dad that was putting her in the middle. You don't need to make excuses for him but you can do your best not say bad things about him infront of your girl that will only make her resent you or him or both. Maybe say he got angry and said mean things that he doesn't really think are true and that you are making arrangements for her to spend time with her dad you just have to make sure she is safe and well looked after.

No one is perfect and it is good for her to have as good a relationship with her dad as possible. Sometimes that might mean letting some things slide but there are things that can't be let slide for your daughters safety and wellbeing too. If you think what he said was just a reaction to the heat of the moment and it won't actually happen again do your best to see past it. If you think its something that will get repeated then its harder to ignore. Maybe speek to him calmly and say you realise that he just got upset in the heat of the moment but that he really upset your daughter and he needs to apologise to her. And also that you are both her parents and you need to talk about things like when she is ready to be left on her own as its really not something you are comfortable with yet.