Keeping FOB away completely?

[Jennifurball]

Hi everyone,

I am having my 2nd in Jan, already have a daughter to someone else who sees her dad. Things were never good with us as a couple, but I have always allowed him in her life and this continues.

However, this particular person I am pregnant to now has shown himself to be just awful. Speaking to me like crap in front of my daughter, pushed me about when pregnant, checked my phone and got aggressive accusing me of cheating (I never did), whilst he went out getting pissed and cheating, telling me the baby isn't his, I am a slag, I trapped him, I should abort. So I left him. Since then he has slept about, bragging to me to upset me, then telling everyone I am sleeping with all his mates whilst carrying his child, turning people against me, purposely holding mine and my daughters belongings at his home for a month cos he didn't want us to leave, spreading vile rumours about me when all I have done is try to rebuild my life and enjoy the free time me and my daughter now have away from him. He has a large number of kids he doesn't see (I was only aware of 2 at the time), he refuses to work cos it means CSA will take his money, he said my baby isn't special when he has 6 others who he doesn't pay for, I said fine, I work I am more than happy to do this alone, I brought my daughter up alone for the last 5 years and can do it again. He has also been saying he is going to turn up at where I work, my daughters day care, my workplace, then denies it to everyone, he has been giving prank calls to me and my daughters dad constantly for months, then denies it.

However in the midst of all this he is playing the victim, he has rights, he is the dad, he wants to get me through this pregnancy stress free, despite him BEING the stress. I have had to move house, change my number and change my daughters school, yet its poor him. He doesn't want to be a dad to this baby he wants to have a hold over me, he said we need to see each other and I can't shut him out, I don't need to see him, baby isn't close to being born, he brings nothing but stress to me so why should I be near him?

I am sick of him saying he has rights, he isn't fit to be near any of us. He is mentally unstable and this came out the minute he found out I was pregnant. It really gets me down thinking after all this he could still get access and rights.

Can I legally stop him being part of baby's life? It isn't fair to let that kind of behaviour into either of my kids lives. x

 

[teal]

Oh he sounds awful. You absolutely do not need to see him at all while you are pregnant. At the moment he has no right to know how you're getting on with your pregnancy. I would be documenting everything that happens and reporting any threatening or harassing behaviour. You do not need this stress.

It's ultimately a personal decision about what to do once your baby is born as he will have a right to see the child. I'm not sure if you could legally stop him. I say this as someone who's son has never met his father due to him not wanting to know, I received so much abuse when I told him I was pregnant and whenever I attempted to include him in my son's life but he refused. I do strongly believe that no intact is better than half assed contact.

I went down the route of cutting all contact and then contacting him when my son was born but, as I wrote above, he wasn't interested.

Take care of you though and don't feel pressured into having to have contact with him at the moment xx

 

[Karren]

Leave him off the birth certificate when the baby is born, this will not give him any rights.

This will mean he will have to go through the courts to get access but based on what you have put, and the fact he doesn't work he isn't likely to stump up the money to go through all the court processes.

If he does end up going through the courts he will most likely get some form of rights but if you put together a good enough case of what you have said then you might be able too at the worst limit it.

My sister is going through something similar, after going through the courts he eventually got 45 minutes a week at a contact centre, but after that he didn't think it was worth it and after a while didn't even bother turning up to them, showing he wasn't willing in the first place.

I don't think you can fully stop him getting rights if he tries to get them, but you can certainly make it difficult, if he really is causing you this much stress, especially if you are pregnant, then look at also getting a restraining order.

PM me if you want to chat more.

 

[Jennifurball]

Thank you both very much. I just get so down that I feel as if I will be tarred with the same brush as one of 'those' women who stop babies getting to know their dad. Well if the dad is a bad influence like he is and talks to me the way he does in front of my daughter, prob will be too hungover to turn up if he did get access, then its not a good influence to be around the baby. He uses the little access with his kids just to do silly selfies in his room, he doesn't treat them or take them anywhere, because all his money is spent in the pub. I am hoping by time baby is here he will have lost interest, I think a lot of it is the fact I have not long left him and he's prob more bothered about his hurt ego. Cos he has kids who he has never met cos his exes won't let them near (so I am told), we can't all be wrong...however I am hoping if I just keep him blocked and keep my whereabouts quiet, got my new number etc. Then hopefully he will just leave us to get on with it, however if things change, baby gets older and I feel he should see baby for baby's sake then that's different but as he has acted towards me now, made me so ill with stress I was bleeding throughout my early pregnancy, then he said it wasn't his fault and I need to calm down. He made my life hell.

 

[teal]

Says a lot if his exes don't let him near their children. You've done absolutely nothing wrong and don't deserve all the stress. you're not one of "those" women, you need to look after you and your little ones. Definitely a good idea to keep him blocked and just see what happens xx

 

[JemmaLouise]

Oh hun it's horrible when it happens isn't it? I have a 4 year old to a guy who did something very similar when I found out I was pregnant. Abusive calls, threatening me, saying he was going to take the baby away from me, etc etc. Eventually when I was about 6/7 months pregnant he just gave up, once I didn't show on cared anymore, sounds as though you're doing a good job of trying to block him out.

Like someone else said don't put him on the birth certificate as that is automatic share of rights.

Unfortunately a year ago he got in touch saying he wanted to see Riley. I've let him under the condition he makes regular visits and stays in contact, so far he has seen him 6 times... in a year... I don't think they ever change !

 

[Jennifurball]

I am hoping mine too loses interest and doesn't bother as time goes on, I only left him 4 weeks ago so I guess things are still raw for him. It was over in my head long before I walked so I am not grieving the relationship or him. He keeps saying he needs to see me, hes the dad etc, but I am 14 weeks pregnant, what can he possibly do apart from want to just see me, try and turn me and drag me back into the awful relationship. I don't actually believe he wants or loves me, he seems to just want control over the situation. He tried to make me lose my mates, made me move away from my family, tried to get me to leave work so we could have babies for benefits (not even joking sadly), he threatened to make calls to my work so I would lose my job, he turned up at my work even though I never told him where I worked. It's all just so scary and unneccesary.

I am not the only one he has done this to though, I have been in touch with an ex who practically said word for word what he was like with her, same as what he's done to me. x

 

[ClairAye]

First I want to say hello and congratulations! I remember you from our firsts!

My children's father walked out of their lives almost 2 years ago so I didn't play a part in his lack of involvement but I soon realised that it was actually the best thing for my kids. He was controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive and showed this towards me in front of our children or to them themselves. Kids don't need that in their lives at all. If this is the sort of person he is I wouldn't want to put him on my child's birth certificate, honestly.

 

[Jennifurball]

Hello!

Yes you are right, they are better with just me than having a dad who treats mum like crap. Even tho my daughters dad is a tit with me, he accepts we didn't work as a couple and we have an arrangement for contact, but this one, he is mentally unwell and won't seek help, he puts all the blame on me, makes up lies about me making me out to be a really awful mum, which is insulting given I have brought my daughter up for the past 4.5 years and she has turned out to be amazing. I don't want him and his negativity affecting my life, even my girls behaviour and happiness is shining through since I left him, he was dragging us down without me even realising.

I am just praying he loses interest but part of me thinks he won't.