Knocked down over and over and over

[collie_crazy]

There is always something that manages to smack me in the face... every time I start to feel 'ok' something happens that knocks me down again.

I was feeling ok this morning, I was just about to get ready to go to the cemetery before I go to work this afternoon and checked my emails - I have one that says 'Is your nursery ready yet' and I felt the icy chills run down my spine

Or like last week when I started back at work I was doing OK till I was clearing out my 600+ emails and came across one from one of my colleagues organising a collection to send me flowers and telling them about Emily. I actually collapsed off my chair and had to run out the office crying. I got sent home early.

Then the other night again in work I had been laughing and joking with colleagues getting on OK, I am on a phased return so working less hours so I said goodbye to them at 8pm and headed for the door only to walk right into my other colleague who is pregnant (due 4 weeks after I was) talking to someone else about how big her bump was - that was it - instant tears I had to sit in my car for over 20 minutes before I could gather myself enough to drive home.

I could keep going on and on with the examples!

Why does this happen? Every single time I think I am coping, getting on with things I get smacked in the face again I know its only a stupid email but its made me feel so bad - like I'm upset now I've seen it but why wasnt I upset before it? How dare I be thinking I feel 'ok' when my daughter is dead.

 

[bek74]

 

[babylou]

xxx

 

[Cassie10]

Oh hun I'm so sorry! It really isn't fair to have all these constant reminders slap you in the face!

I feel your pain though... I am constantly getting e-mails, magazines, coupons, and any and everything else that has to do with babies and pregnancy. I have cancelled them all but I still keep getting them.

Just the other day I got a bill from the specialist we saw and instantly broke down... It's like it took me back to that day and I felt all the same emotions again. It's silly that a little piece of paper can do that to me!!

 

[KamIAm]

GOod Morning Sweetie

I am sorry babe, and truly HATE that for you.... When I was 3 months into this horrible nightmare, I too was having those exact same thoughts and feelings... It's a hard time frame ...

It's OK to have those moments... Just sit and cry as much as you need or want and then pick your self back up and come talk to us... We (I) will always be here for you Hon' ... You are remarkably strong... Already back at work... ttc... Wow, where is your cape?? Wonderwoman...

That is what I think of often when I think of us .... We definately wear super capes...

I still get those dreaded emails, those baby magazines that I subscribed to as soon as I found out I was preg with Emma... Once a month when it arrived, it knocks me in the gut BUT I promise it gets less and less each month

Hopes for a gentle day

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so sorry I actually had the nurse call me from my OBGYN's office to ask if I wanted to donate my baby's cord I said I lost the baby, don't you know that, doesn't anyone communicate in your office .....
This is the nature of grief , it hits us unexpectedly just when we are ok BAM it comes, believe me I have been there I know and I am so sorry. I am not sure if this will end in time I think it will, but right now the pain is still raw, it has been almost 8 months for me and It is still raw. All I can say is I pray hope and wish in time our pain eases and we can smile again ..
XOOXO Sending so much love and many kisses to you..

 

[yazoo]

Oh hun, I am so sorry. I feel like I could have written your story because that is exactly how I feel. I feel like I am going back instead of going forward and when I feel "ok" I get knocked back into a bad state again. I don't know when this will go away for us but I want you to know that I am here for you if you ever want to talk.

 

[MummyStobe]

Sending big hugs to you.

I know exactly how you feel, there are things that make me breakdown in tears too but strangley they are usually non baby related things. Today for example I've been to the churchyard and sorted out the headstone for Max's grave and I've been absolutely fine but earlier this afternoon when we were nearly involved in a car accident I was in floods of tears and it wasn't even me driving.

I always seem to be picking myself up and dusting myself off so that I can move a few steps forward before it happens again.

I'm always here if you ever want to talk.

Stay strong and take care xx

 

[SassyLou]

 

[Hellylou]

Ah sweetie, sending hugs

I think these things are just going to keep on coming out of the blue and smacking us down from time to time. All we can hope is that they get fewer, and don't smack quite as hard each time. I know I have built myself quite a wall over the last 6 weeks to guard against these moments. It's really all I have.

The last big one was when I went back to work and was sorting through the emails like you, and as I worked backwards, I got to one that had come on the 6th of Sep, and I lost on the 10th, but I was off sick during the week before my loss, but of course no one knew it was because I was losing the baby. It was from a male colleague sending his congratulations on the pregnancy. Apparently when the news broke that I had lost the baby, he was frantically trying to get the email revoked, calling IT dept, but no one could do it without calling me for my permission to access my account first. Thing is, no one warned me about the email, so I just opened it innocently and got a major smack in the face. I didn't think something like that would hurt as much as it did.

But don't feel bad for feeling 'ok' most of the time. It doesn't mean you feel any less devestated at losing Emily. If we felt that kind of sorrow every minute of the day we wouldn't function any more, or be able to look forward and plan for the future. Emily will always be part of your heart and soul, and she's always there, spurring you onwards.

 

[JemimaP]

Hugs x

 

[SarahJane]

So sorry babe,

I cannot believe they did a collection and put you on the distribution list... it really makes me wonder how insensitive people can be. My work did similar and told all of my colleagues not to contact me as I needed space!!! Like they have the right to make that decision for me FFS.

I am so sorry things keep coming and getting to you so I am just sending some hugs xxx

 

[collie_crazy]

Thank you girls I know I have said it before but I really dont know what I would do without you lot - you keep me sane

My emotions are all over the place today. I am back at work because I need to be but I really dont want to be. I am sick of pretending that I am ok, of smiling when I feel like I'm dead inside

Its 3 months to the day since we said goodbye to Emily and I just get mad at myself because I think I should be 'better' by now, I feel like I am going crazy. I am always the strong one - the one that other people can depend on, the level-headed one, the one who 'copes' well I cant cope with this I cant and I want to scream at myself for not being able to

I'm sorry

 

[Andypanda6570]

Thank you girls I know I have said it before but I really dont know what I would do without you lot - you keep me sane

My emotions are all over the place today. I am back at work because I need to be but I really dont want to be. I am sick of pretending that I am ok, of smiling when I feel like I'm dead inside

Its 3 months to the day since we said goodbye to Emily and I just get mad at myself because I think I should be 'better' by now, I feel like I am going crazy. I am always the strong one - the one that other people can depend on, the level-headed one, the one who 'copes' well I cant cope with this I cant and I want to scream at myself for not being able to

I'm sorry

Listen to me you are normal believe me, it has been almost 8 months for me and I still am a mess. It takes time to get through this never over it but through it and be at a place where we are ok. I cry all the time and if one more person tells me how I should feel i will punch them out
It will get better you need time, you had a very big loss and we just can't and never will be the same, but we will be ok..
XOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXO I am here if you ever need me

 

[Nikki_d72]

I'm so sorry these things are getting you again, it seems to come in waves, I've found. I think you have to let your greif come in little bursts like that, or it will build into a great big explosion, you know? So on some kind of level, maybe these triggers are good, in that they make you release a bit of your grief each time. I know it doesn't feel like it at the time though.

Don't feel bad for the days when you are feeling OK, like helly said, you wouldn't be able to function otherwise and wee Emily wouldn't want to see you suffering forever, she will be egging you on, hoping those days eventually outweigh the sad ones. She lived inside you, she knows you, is part of you and will want you to have some happiness. Sorry that sounds a bit hippy trippy but I believe she is connected to you on a spiritual level and always will be, she will need no explanation for whatever you feel, she will understand.

I hope you have some gentle days ahead. I'm heading for the 3 month mark this weekend and have had a building sense of sadness, it's like trying to outrun a cloud. Might as well stop running and just accept the rain.

All the best xxx

 

[Nikki_d72]

It's fine to not cope with this as well, if you are always the 'coper', maybe it's time you let others do that and allow yourself time to fall to bits, scream, shout, do whatever you need to.

Oh and P.S, you're not mad, I cried in the Smurf movie yesterday FFS! There was a bit in it about one of the (human) characters looking at his baby's ultrasound - he put his finger against the hand and that was it for me. Thankfully the cinema was dark and I've become an expert at silent crying, I had taken DD and 2 of her friends, glad they didn't catch me!

 

[yazoo]

Thank you girls I know I have said it before but I really dont know what I would do without you lot - you keep me sane

My emotions are all over the place today. I am back at work because I need to be but I really dont want to be. I am sick of pretending that I am ok, of smiling when I feel like I'm dead inside

Its 3 months to the day since we said goodbye to Emily and I just get mad at myself because I think I should be 'better' by now, I feel like I am going crazy. I am always the strong one - the one that other people can depend on, the level-headed one, the one who 'copes' well I cant cope with this I cant and I want to scream at myself for not being able to

I'm sorry

Don't be sorry love. What you are feeling is absolutely normal. I just want to give you a big RL hug. Again I feel like I could have written that post aswell. I feel like other people are thinking "is she not over it yet." Most of my friends have gave up texting or calling to see how I am and I really believe that is because they think I should be over it now even though its only 10 and a half weeks. ONe friend actually rings me talking about her trouble with her OH and how she is feeling but doesn't ask how I am and how I am coping. I was saying to my OH last night that I try to go around and be as normal as possible but really I am so sad inside but I am afraid to show it for some stupid reason.
I hate that all of us here are going through this and I hope it will get better. I'm not going to say it will because i don't know but I hope it does.

 

[Cassie10]

I'm right there with ya hun. I'm so sorry you are having to feel this way though.. It's no fun feeling like a mess!

I work on an ambulance and just had to pick up a lady that was miscarrying... The emotions hit me like a ton of bricks. Afterwards I walked outside and cried my eyes out.

Then of course I do like you do... I got mad at myself for getting so upset. I guess this is normal though... We may not feel so normal but I'm here for you!

 

[MummyStobe]

Thank you girls I know I have said it before but I really dont know what I would do without you lot - you keep me sane

My emotions are all over the place today. I am back at work because I need to be but I really dont want to be. I am sick of pretending that I am ok, of smiling when I feel like I'm dead inside

Its 3 months to the day since we said goodbye to Emily and I just get mad at myself because I think I should be 'better' by now, I feel like I am going crazy. I am always the strong one - the one that other people can depend on, the level-headed one, the one who 'copes' well I cant cope with this I cant and I want to scream at myself for not being able to

I'm sorry

There's no need to be sorry for having a bad day and you certainly don't need to apologise to us.

Hope you've had a better day today. Thinking about you and sending big hugs

 

[luckybreak]