Letting things get on top of me a bit...

[Linzi]

When I was 14 I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I used to self harm, and I attempted suicide a couple of times, but by the time I was 18 I came off my meds and have had maybe one or two slip ups since.

I dont know whether its my hormones, but I have a horrible feeling Im going to sink into it again. Im letting everything on top of me and the last thing I want is to be depressed and stressed during or after the pregnancy.

Theres a few things going on.

I moved from Newcastle about 5 months ago. I live in Leeds now. Its not very far, maybe 100 miles, but Im reallly struggling being away from my parents, especially my dad. Im a homebird and Ive been terribly homesick since I left. Its never really eased but its got worse since I got pregnant. This is my first baby, and I only have my OH and his family to help me out here. Even though I get on with them really well it's not quite the same. Ive got nothing going for me up there anymore, I just miss it a lot.

An ongoing family thing... Im not really sure of the story because Ive had about 7 varying versions, but the long and the short is that my mam has manic depression, and did when I was born. She told me it was triggered by childbirth, others told me it was from when she was a teenager. Anyway, she couldn't handle looking after me, so her and my dad got divorced, and my dad got full custordy of me when I was about 2 or 3. I dont see her anymore, but we write to each other. I dont have any feelings for her and I dont have any particular want to get to know her, but when I told her about the baby she said she wanted to be a grandma. She wrote me a very detailed letter which I got today which told me all about every detail of whats wrong with her and its really upset me. Again, the issue with her has got worse since Ive got pregnant because I know she wants to be involved with the baby but I dont really want to see her. Which is selfish.

Next is work - my boss is horrible, and Im sick of him. Ive only been there since I moved, and got thrown in the deep end - 2 weeks of training. And its not an easy job. So when I ask him a question he hits the roof and its too much to take! Its bad enough that whenever I feel like utter crap I have to go in to meet my deadlines because no one else knows how to do my job. Like last week when I thought the baby had gone... I went in because I had a deadline to meet even though I would have been better sat at home.

Then my OH and I. Were havin a bit of a rough patch. He doesnt like not having sex, I dont like having sex. Because Im tired and feel like Ive got a 8 week long hangover. If theres ever any problem I have he doesnt support me he just says 'well theres nothing you can do' and shrugs it off. If theres housework to do, he does it but then has a go at me later because he cant manage it all on my own. I absolutely adore him and I wouldnt leave him over this but its just doing my head in! I know he's probably stressed about the baby too which wont help.

I dont know whether its worth mentioning all this to my doctor or midwife, because it might all be hormonal, but thelast thing I want is for my baby to be taken away from me like I was from my mum. Its too hard to think about. I just feel at a complete loss and I dont know what to do

Im sorry this is so long, I just dont really know what to do

 

[lynz]

dont really know what to say hun but you know you have the support of everyone on the forum

 

[Samantha675]

Is there anyway you can go home for a visit? I moved from Texas to London 6 years ago, and it's really hard being far from home. Being able to go for visits helped me.

As for the thing with your mother. Her illness is beyond your control. If you are not ready to have her be a part of her life, write and be honest and tell her. Maybe in the future you two can build a relationship, but right now it is too much to handle. You don't want to push her away, but this is what YOU need.

As for the boss, talk to him? Or maybe find a new job. I don't know what the best solution there is.

As for your OH, tell him to back off when it comes to sex. You understand his frustration, that you feel it as well, but when you spend the day feeling sick, and then being tired, you don't feel your sexiest. Be patient. As for the house work, tell him to grow up. You can not do it all, all the time, right now you need some help. I think it is hard for men to understand how much everything changes for a woman so quickly when she becomes pregnant. Sit him down and be honest.

I do think you should talk to your doctor or midwife about the depression. If you are proactive, then that will show how capable you are as a mother. A girlfriend of mine had the same history of depression, and her doctor was very careful to monitor her during her pregnancy. And as soon as she gave birth he gave her an antidepressive to help her with the hormonal fall out. It was not an easy time, but because she took steps to do her best to prevent the worst depession coming out, she was able to get through it.

 

[Linzi]

Thanks for the kind words. Ill mention it to my midwife next week.I just didnt know if I was over reacting because of my history or if I was being sensible bringing it up.

Thanks girls

xxx

 

[elles28]

Hi, Just wanted to say I think it is very brave of you to admit to having problems in the past and that you should def mention to your midwife/doctor how your feeling because if nothing else saying it out loud will take a bit of the burden of you. As for your job my take on that is, if you are not happy in work it effects your home life as well, dont take any crap you are being paid to work not so that your boss can vent his temper at you. Try & see the good points in your other half (hope there are some) as when we feel crappy we tend to only see the bad. When you hold your baby in your arms for the first time none of this will seem important!! Take Care & Good luck xx

 

[Linzi]

My OH is brilliant I love him to pieces and I know he's worried about the baby too because it wasnt planned.

Theres no way I can leave my job. We couldnt survive without the money, and I doubt no one would take me on now knowing Im going to be off on mat leave in 6 months time.

Im sort of hoping that my doc signs me off for a couple of weeks so I can chill. Just feel like I havent stopped recently.

Thanks

xxx

 

[elles28]

My OH is my rock but when I woke him at 6.30am on Sunday morn (the only day he gets a lie in) to ask him to get me a drink...he went willingly...came back up the stairs with a pint of pure orange juice & I look at him near burst into tears & say I cant drink that...he bit his tongue thumped back down the stairs muttering many swear words to come back up with diluted juice & see me sitting up in bed drinking the lovely pure orange juice....The look he gave me should of killed me.........Hey I think he may be looking for my good points!! Hope the next few weeks are better for you xx

 

[scotchbonnet]

Hey hunnny!! You are very brave. You know what's happening and you seem to want to take steps of prevention which is just excellent!!

Do talk to your midwife, let her know because she may refer you to a counsellor who you can sound off with for added support.

All the best and let us know how you are doing. The good thing is that you want to be a great mommy and that above all else - is what matters most.

 

[Linzi]

I do want to be a good mum Ive never had a mum and even though my dad has been fantastic and he's my rock, Ive missed having someone to go shopping with and I cant exactly discuss girly things like periods and sex with him so Ive learnt everything myself!

The last thing I want is for my baby to be taken from me, the same as what happened to my mum. I dont know how I would cope.

Ill speak to my MW next week when I see her.

Thanks again for the lovely words its so nice for people to try and help even when I feel like Im a really selfish person for bringing a baby into all of this - Ill try and help as much as I can with all of you.



xxx

 

[1sttimemom]

I can relate to much of what your experiencing. I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I am currently taking Effexor (anti-depressant). I was raped several years ago and developed the PTSD as a result. I recently got out of an abusive relationship and have also moved to a new city with a new job.

I am currently working on coming off the drugs but do have the fears of becoming depressed again. Especially since I'm not with the father and there is a lot of drama in my life right now.

I work very hard to have a lot of POSITIVE self talk and I am trying very hard to keep the stress in my life to a minimum. I also have to remind myself of all the good things that I have done. I need to keep myself in tune with reality and realize that I need to take breaks often now.

I totally understand your concerns involving your family situation as well. I don't have a relationship with my Father and my relationship with my Mother is VERY rocky. I haven't told her about the pregnancy yet (it's still early) but I know that when I do she will TOTALLY get on my nerves about it. I know she'll be like all happy and want to do the grandmother thing to death but it will turn me off. She wasn't exactly there for me or my sister growing up so I'm kinda like wanting to keep distance between us now. I am going to stand up for how I feel and tell her what kind of relationship I am capable of and what I'm NOT capable of. It'll be hard but I need to have her understand that there are limits and I am going to state them clearly to avoid stress. I think you should do the same. And don't feel bad about the way you feel. You feel that way for a reason and that reason it VALID.

I hope you can find the time to have a home visit soon. I'm SURE that it will help you. Having a reminder of who you are and being around those that love oyu the most is exactly what you need right now. I'm sure it will make a world of difference.

Please don't feel bad about your self for havign the concerns that you do. It's natural to have those concerns. I think we all need to be a little easier on ourselves. We are only human and we are growing a human here people!! We are actually growing another person inside ourselves. While still handling our own life. That's a LOT to have to do.

Our hormones are going crazy, our lives are being turned upside down, our bodies are changing SO MUCH...so lets take a little time to realize this and stop putting so much pressure on ourselves to keep it all in balance. GIVE YOUR SELF A BREAK! You are doing a great job...feel good about yourself and do what you need to to keep on smiling.

We need to first understand what we need in order to be ok and communicated that to the people in our lives. Don't feel bad about asking for what it is that you need to be happy.

Good Luck my dear and enjoy your trip home...

 

[tinytoes]

Sounds like you're having a tough time of it.
I too live away from my family and this worries me a bit, as I'ma bit mummys and daddys girl, but I guess I'll just have to make sure I go and see them as often as I can.
Maybe you can pop back to Newcastle on weekends? And get your Dad to visit you too?

Do you have freinds in Leeds? maybe start going to a prenatal group - gte to know otehr pregnant girls.
And tell your PH to shut up and lay off - we're in a big complicated and not always comfortable stage of our life right now. The last thinmg we need is to be pressured. relly, concentrate on you and baby.
Arange visits home, try and not let the boss wind you up (easier said than done I'm sure) and find you time - have nice soaks in the bath, sleep lots of generally get yourself in good shape. Start excercising maybe - helps keep depression at bay - maybe justa brisk walk or something!?!?

Do tell your midwife - he/she will be able to help you and must know everything, so they can do the best for you and baby.

And when you get down, just think about baby - talk to him/her and remember you've always got that best friend there with you!!!

 

[lorrilou]

Talk to your midwife hunny. Its a really good thing that you recognise whats happening and try to get things sorted before it gets any worse.


As for the sex thing, my oh is a bit like that, wants sex all the time and it makes you feel shit for not giving it to them but it also makes you feel shit and angry for having to give in!! Last thing on your mind whn your knackered and feel like crap.

Like the other girls said can you not visit newcastle at the weekend? Its only about an hour away from leeds, so not too far.

As for your mum, my real dad never had anything to do with me until i turned 16 and then he wanted to get to know me, which i didnt want to at the time but after i had my first child i got to know him a little, his other daughter has a child the same age as mine so he used to bring her to my house once a week. We had a falling out and dont speak anymore but im kinda glad that i tried to het to know him.
I think you would have to get to know your mum and sort your issues out before you let her into your childs life and these things take longer than 9 months!!

Just remember at the end of all this, your gonna have a beautiful baby that you will love unconditionally and no one can take that away from you.

 

[Linzi]

Im going back to Newcastle at Christmas and my dad is popping down to drop off my new christmas tree but he can't stay for very long. My mam (step mam - I always call her mam, confusing!) and dad both have quite important jobs and they work all hours so its really hard for them to visit, and when I go there I cant guarantee that Ill see them. And at £40 a pop its quite an expensive visit.

Leaving them is the hardest thing as well. I cant bear when I have to come back! haha Im a bit of a daddys girl.

I didnt mention I have a 7 year old brother at home as well who is quite seriosly ill and it kills me being away from him too.

The issue with my mum is really difficult. I would rather have been cut off from her completely than just have the amount of contact I do. It sounds awful, but at least Id know one way or the other whats going on! Now I feel like I have to stay in contact with her because I dont want to upset her or anything as much as I dont really want to. And then theres the fact that I dont know the full and truthful story about her. Ive decided to sit down with my dad when I see him next and ask him to tell me exactly what happened because I might just be punishing her for nothing. Its so confusing!

Work was pretty bad again today so Im definately going to try and get some time off from the midwife. Hopefully she'll be able to get me a sicknote.

Thanks for all the kind words. As much as I dont like that other people have been through this sorta thing before, its nice to know theres people around who know what Im going through.

Hopefully this should all be sorted out soon.

xxx

 

[tinytoes]

get webcams? Get on skype?
Call every day. Really, I talk to my mum more now that I live apart from her than when I lived just around the corner!!

I see my folks about every 3 months. It's fine, we speak all the time. And hope to get webcams up and running soon, definately before baby comes - if my Mum can work it out!!
we'll wave hi regularly.