lies, lies, lies..... :-S

[salb10]

I have an 13 y.o SS who is constantly lying. About everything. And not even good lies, just pointless crappy rubbish lies. Its driving me BONKERS!!!!!!!!!!
I have known him since he was 2, and the annoying thing is that i could see this coming, even back then.

Just as a short background, he lives with his mum and step dad, and comes to me and his dad on weekends and occaisional week days. We all get along fine, so its not like he's in a strained environment or anything. His mum and dad split up long before i met his dad, so i didn't break up a family or anything.

When he was little though, if he told a fib, people would make excuses for him, and talk his way out of it for him

for example, one day he told his mum that we had a car accident with him in the car and he banged his head. His mum rang us up having a go at us for not telling her about it but of course this event never took place. Now instead of telling him off for making up stories, his dad and nan said, 'aww u just got confused didn't you, you meant that someone else had an accident and bumped their head, didn't u? Of course, he said 'oh yes, thats what happened'

Now they did this every time he made something up. He was never made to take responsibility for the fact that he lied, plain and simple.

And now, he does it ALL the time. Its getting to the point where i feel like a conversation with him is pointless, because about 70% of it is made up.

This weekend for example. I picked him up from school and within an hour of doing so, he had told about 5 lies, which over the course of the next 24hrs, all came to light.

Its more frustrating because he's not here all the time, so its not something we seem to be able to influence. We've tried every which way there is to stop him but its just getting worse and worse.

Tonight he put the bins out the front door and i asked id he'd locked the front door and he said yes. I go and check, and its not locked. I am very security concious especially as my 8 month old was asleep upstairs and we are in the kitchen at the back of the house. If that doors unlocked then anybody could come in and go straight upstairs without us knowing.

I HATE liars and i don't want him to be one. What can we do??

 

[Arlee]

Sorry that's a tough one! That would drive me nuts too! The only thing I could think of was maybe counselling for him? I don't know but it sounds like he is a pathalogical liar!

 

[seoj]

I'm no expert, and I certainly don't know all the background... so I'm just putting some things out there... but it seems that when he was little, maybe he lied to get attention? And since he was never taught differently (by the people around him the most)- that he now finds it a good way to get attention OR, it's just he's so used to lying now he doesn't know how to stop?

Have you and your hubby sat down and had a heart to heat with him? Asking why he lies or why he feels it's OK to lie? Maybe try expressing that his lies may cause others harm... you probably have already done all this, but maybe he does need counseling. To find the root cause of why he lies... as it stems from something at a very early age. Per what you said about him lying as a little boy. I don't see it being something that will be easily fixed... but in time, with support and encouragement it certainly can only help.

The tough part is getting his bio Mom/step dad on board etc (if they don't see an issue?)... I'm sorry I don't have any better advise. Wishing you the best of luck!

All you can really do, for now, is encourage the truth and find ways to rewards the good behavior only. Not necessarily punish the bad- as then he's getting attention (even negative attention)- but if you rewards the truth when it does happen- not exactly sure what tactics to use... but something maybe that would enourage truthfulness in the house, then maybe he would lean towards telling the truth more often? Again, sorry I've no better advise.

 

[Mummy2B21]

oh what an awful situation how old is he? I would.start by sitting down and speaking.to.him then maybe discuss it with his mother and sd and ask them to discourage it if things still.didnt improve id be seeing the dr to.get him referred.

 

[salb10]

Thank u for the advice ladies. It's very difficult to bring up the problem. He with my husband who knows and acknowledges it, he still sugar coats and makes excuses for him too. God knows what his mum would say if I tried to bring it up with her.


We have tried the soft approach, the strong words, the getting cross, ignoring him to give no attention, the boy who cried wolf story, punishment and reward and I do make a fuss when he tells the truth. Thu though he seems to be getting less and less respect for us. It's like we're his big brother and sister instead of parents. :-S

Another problem is that he never ever owns up to things. If he gets caught out, its always someone else's fault. Again, I believe he was taught to tell stories when little because hos family.didn't accept that sometimes he was naughty/ told stories.

We also have the problem that I think my husband is a bit scared to be too strict for fear that he won't want to come to ours anymore. It's such a tricky situation :-S

 

[seoj]

It certainly IS a tricky situation hun... even though we have my SD full time (and her mom only get's weekend visits twice a month)- she still had SO much influence on my SD when she was younger. It was tough for sure! It's has gotten a lot easier as she has grown though. Hopefully you will encounter the same? One can hope at least.

I've no better advise- just wishing you all the best of luck!

 

[iBabyGirli]

lying is natural for a 13 year old :O

 

[Arlee]

lying is natural for a 13 year old :O

I wouldn't agree with that. I know that I certainly never lied when I was thirteen or even through the rest of my teenage years.

 

[salb10]

I understand some lying to be part of growing up, but the frequency of these lies and the fact that they roll off his tounge without a second thought about some of the most ridiculous things. He's not even telling lies that get u out of trouble or protect some ones feelings. A lot seem to be lies, just for the sake of it.
He told us he'd seen a film we were thinking of watching but the time he said he saw it I know he wasn't because he was elsewhere. I pointed this out to him and he spun such a massive tale to try and get out of his first lie and nor once did he just admit that he hadn't seen that film. What was the point of that? And this isn't an isolated incident. Nearly every conversation is the same

 

[v2007]

My daughter lies too, a case of say it now and repent later.

I have taken to removing all her luxuries, grounding and punishments that would make a grown man cry

It's working.

She has to learn and if it is the hard way then so be it.

V xxx