Life can be so complicated, sometimes...

[Surreal]

Hiya all, I hope you don't mind me joining in this section. I'm rather new and I figure I qualify to be over here? Permission to vent and maybe be a little depressed? Anyways...

Well, right now I'm about 9 weeks along, and the FOB... went back to his /wife/. Yeah... let's straighten *that* one out. So, past five years or so I've been married to a verbally abusive husband and only in the past few months had the courage to kick him out of my house; to get away from the objectifying, degrading terms used against me, the degrading "jokes" he told about women in front of me... anyways, last year of that became hell and as depression set in I finally realized I had to get out of the situation. I'm currently going through divorce from my (ex)husband, and have yet to get that fully settled.

So, while I'm struggling with this situation and overall feeling rather miserable, I meet a guy who is "going through a divorce" himself, and dealing with physical and emotional abuse from his wife. So, naturally, I commiserate with this man as our situations are very similar, and in my misery I allow myself to feel sympathy for him. Well, given time things develop and we become relatively intimate. (Stupid on my part considering I'm not fully divorced, right? -.-) Anyways, this continues for a few good months, and in April I end up finding out I'm pregnant. So, he talks about moving near me, and getting things together and having a future with me... I have to admit, I was ecstatic, he was *nothing* like my ex-husband, always seemed respect me and took me into consideration, ect... it was a dream come true to know someone who knew where I was coming from, and treated me like gold.

Well, low and behold? Last second before he gets his act together, his wife *begs* him to come back, telling him that "God has changed her" and she'll "Treat him better, and that she's learned from her mistakes". So, what does he do? He falls for it, and goes back to his wife, apparently not as far along with his divorce as I was led to believe... being fed that "It's God's will for him to work out his marriage". Maybe he's right, and I guess a few people are applauding him for going back and handling the situation, despite his wife's abuse for the last few years.

Now that he's gone back to his wife, his pastor has advised him to have no involvement in my pregnancy, and not the have any contact with me until after the baby is born... so, last few days, I haven't heard a thing from him. And, somehow... I don't think I will hear anything from him.

So, now I'm a soon to be single mother, pregnant with another man's baby while I'm finishing up my divorce to my ex-husband. I feel... like I've been lied to this entire time, that I was simply played the fool by this man. He kept telling me "He still loved me", even though he was still going back to his wife because it's what "God wants him to do". If he loved me that much, and was to the point he was saying he was *definitely* leaving his wife... why the hell did he go back to her? It's something I don't quite get, myself, and feel so... used and thrown away.

So... apparently later he's going to have involvement with the baby, and wants to have "joint custody", though I sure as hell don't want my baby around his wife. He also would like me to give the baby his surname... but, he's not going to be there the entire pregnancy, he's not going to be fully involved, as he obviously isn't *with* me... hell, we were never even married, so why should he get the honor of this baby having his last name? I'm still in debate over it, but I am leaning more for giving the baby my maiden name.

I guess in the end I just feel so very torn, that I just went from one abusive situation... to ultimately another, by being led on. I'm... emotionally suffering still, and it hurts not to have contact with him. I always thought of my life as having a spouse who I would raise a baby with, and it's just not turning out that way. Instead I'm having to consider the future stress of having to deal with him, *and* his wife, once my baby is born.

Also... anyone know if I can deny him having the baby at his place, due to past violence with his wife? Or, simply that I'm scared to death of her being around my child? What would I ever do if she got vindictive and hurt my baby... ? I would never be able to live with myself if it ever happened, so I'm intent on trying to prevent that...

I know, being only 9 weeks this coming week, I'm jumping quite ahead of myself... but, I'm just scared of what I'll have to endure... and I guess also looking for some support from people that have possibly had to deal with this situation. Anyone ever been in a situation where FOB's GF/wife scared you to be around your baby?

I don't have a problem with him being involved, and I hope that he will be... maybe it will be easier once the infatuation with him wears off. For now, it hurts like hell, though... feels like I'm just getting slammed with a lot of things, all at once...

 

[frankyzw]

Aw, so sorry to hear what you're going through. You've come to the right place. The ladies here are very supportive and we all have our stories to tell. Mine is different from yours but all i know from my experience is that time is a great healer. Try not to dwell on why this has happened to you and focus on the life you want to create with your lo. You're a powerful and loving being and deserve the best life ever. Don't let FOB's actions determine your self-worth and rob you of your confidence and self-esteem. Difficult, yes but it can be done. We may never figure out why FOBs do what they do and maybe we shouldn't even bother. The mistakes we all make are there for us to learn and improve on ourselves. It doesn't mean the sun won't shine tomorrow.

You were created whole and let no one rob you of your wholeness. Also remember that your thoughts create your reality, so dwell on what you want your life to be like and play it like a movie in your mind. You may be surprised to find things falling into place even with regard to FOB's involvement. Don't know about you, but I pray and surrender all to God asking for guidance. When there's a situation that I'm not sure how to handle and it involves other people, in your case FOB and his wife, I say this affirmation: 'The long arm of God reaches out over people and conditions, controlling the situation and protecting my interests'. Then let it go and trust that things will be sorted.

You'll be fine. Of course it hurts and you're entitled to a day... or two of 'mourning'. After that, start afresh - new goals, think new life with lo, .. . I mean wipe that slate clean and go for it girl! Your lo will bring so much joy into your life. Browse the net to read up on successful single moms. And who said you won't meet the elusive 'Mr Right' one day if you so wish? Stay strong and remember that there are women who've been in your shoes and they've made it.

 

[FBbaby]

When I first started to read about you having an affair with a married man, I thought ....here we go again...but your story is very sad and I do feel for you, it must have been such a shock after all his promises that he was going to go back with to his wife because it is God's will (wasn't it God's will before he found out about your pregnancy?).

What your story incite me to write is to make sure of protecting yourself. It seems this man is easily influenced and struggle with making decision for himself. His wife seems to have quite some control over him emotionally and you might find that all communication you have with him about the baby will feel more like communication with her than him. What I'm trying to say is that she might make him 'pay' for his betrayal by controlling him and making sure that he does what she wants (all this in a subtle way of course). It might come with her telling him that she refuses he sees the baby without her presence etc..., she has already started with the help of the church by imposing that he doesn't get involved with the pregnancy...why???? The baby is in you, it is growing and a good father would want to get involved with scans etc... Out of curiosity, do they have children together.

All I am trying to say is that you might have to consider that you could find yourself in the situation of having no choice but accepting that she is in the life of your baby too as it is something you might no control over at some point. You would have to prove to a judge that your decision that she shouldn't have contact with your baby is due to her violence rather than your bitterness.

To be honest, however strongly I believe that all children are entitled to get to know both parents, in your situation, I would move away. If he is really keen to have contact with his child, he will make the effort to come and visit. Good luck to you and make sure you look after yourself, you are enduring a real hard time at the moment

 

[Laura2919]

Hiya,

You shouldnt have anything to feel ashamed about, whether you was single or going through a divorce you werent 'in' a relationship!

Its an awful situation to be in, being a single parent but it also has its rewards! I see my girls grow and in a way, however awful it may sound I dont have to share them!

When it comes to joint custody I would tell him just where to poke it. If he aint around for the pregnancy and he aint around for scans and stuff then tell him to naff off!!! He cant have it all his way!

I agree with you about your child being around his wife, My ex has moved on and I told him under no circumstance does she come near my kids. He has agreed and he knows I mean business!

At first you would want the baby to stay with you anyway so he needs to get real because to see his child would mean seeing you!!! Does his wife know???

We are all here if you need us hun, Good luck!!!!

 

[scottishgal89]

i am so sorry you've found yourself in this situation!!
your ex husband sounds awful and i admire you for being able to throw him out. it takes a very strong woman to do that! i didnt have that strength myself.
your better off without this new guy as well if hes gonna drop everything and go running back to his wife when she shouts. people dont change- in my opinion someone who abuses someone cant just change at the click of their fingers.
congrats on you finding out your pregnant- your little one will be your whole world. i know its not the ideal situation but i prefer being a single mummy and its an absolutely amazing feeling.
to do with fob's wife or ex wife or whoever she is- yes you can stop him taking your lo away with her but would maybe have to do it threw court. that sounds scary just now but if thats what it took to protect your lo then im sure you would- to be honest do you honestly see them lasting or do you think they're just stuck in a rut? he might have got a fright about you being pregnant- was scared- she gave him an opportunity to go back to what he was used to so he did it?
as for his surname- NO WAY!!!! you are about to have carried a baby for 9months and give birth to lo. even if you were together and weren't married i would still give you the same advice because i have seen many people regret the decision to give lo the fob's name. could you imagine how hurt and left out you'd feel? fob, his wife and your lo all sharing a surname? it would drive you mad trust me! my lo has my surname and i wouldnt have let fob use his.
hope i've helped a little. if you've got anymore questions then just post away. theres quite a lot of us in this section and some of us should definitly be able to help you!


p.s meant to say your maiden surname as you wouldnt want lo to have your abusive husbands name either- are you changing your name back?
i changed my name to my mum's maiden name so lo would have that as i have a bad relationship with my dad and i didnt want lo having his family name

 

[Surreal]

If I had known he wasn't quite as far along with his divorce as I thought he was, believe me, I wouldn't've touched him with a ten foot pole... it was simply that what was realistically happening, and what he was telling me was two very different things. It makes me feel very ashamed in consideration to my christian belief, and in the long run... I should've known better. I suppose the need for emotional support over ran my common sense. Just teaches me not to trust word alone... :/

On the part of his wife, your absolutely correct... I even sat down with her at one point, to apologize for everything that's gone on, and telling her that I didn't realize he was still "attached". She accepted the apology to a certain extent, and apparently has experienced a similar situation herself, with her older son. -.- Anyways... as of right now, she wants no contact with him until the baby is born, anything that has to do with the baby "has" to go through her first, and any future visits between him and the baby would be done with her present. I told her that she can control him if she so chose, but that she can't apply her laws to me... so I had no intention of following them. Even told him that if he wanted involvement, it would be *him*... he chose his wife, not me, and I would not be having her play third party through all of this, whether she is his wife or not. Why should I have to bend to her will? I've made my apologies, tried to amend whatever err I had accidentally made through his lies.... but, that gives her no right to rule over me, period. I escaped one abuse, I sure as hell am not allowing her to dominate me and my child, as well, no matter what kind of "hurt" I have inadvertently done towards her.

They do have one little girl together, and then both have children from previous marriages... some that live with them, some that don't.

I realize I'll likely have to deal with her to a certain extent, but at the same time... I'm not letting her dominate me. And your right, thankfully, he can't go watching the kid right away, which is probably a comfort to me right now...

Whether they last or not... I honestly don't know? I mean, with my own experience of abuse, I honestly don't think she's going to change, so eventually the abuse will continue... whether he puts up with it is up to him. Personally, right now, through all the lies... I don't give a crap what he does, he could fall off the face of the Earth, and it wouldn't matter to me. At this rate, with his wife's controlling nature... he pretty much already has. ^^;

Your right... I honestly sit here and think, "You want involvement? Fine... you make the moves. It's not my responsibility to contact you, you contact me." I know I had involvement in this, which is obviously my own stupidity... but at the same time, didn't he dig this hole himself by leading me on when he wasn't pretty much over with his wife? I'm already through with my husband, I'm at the point of no return... apparently he wasn't. So... his rut, not mine?

Thanks for the replies guys... I honestly was pretty ashamed typing it out, figuring I would be judged for this mistake... which I imagine by a few, I was... but, if there is any room for regret with me, this is certainly it... my intention was never an "affair", but a relationship with a man pretty much through his divorce...

Despite all this, I'm really excited for this baby... the years I was married to my husband, we were unable to have children, and I got blamed for it. So, I had honestly allowed myself to believe I was infertile. Glad to know I'm not, and will get the chance to at least have one child in my life.