Noix
Pregnant - Overdue
- Joined
- May 9, 2010
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Hi =)
I hope I've posted this in the right place..
I've been lurking around on the forums for awhile but I decided to make my first post today and tell my story.
I've reached the end of my tether and I feel that I really need some advice from an outside perspective.
Okay, I found out I was pregnant on the 28th of October 2009 and at the time I was sure it was my exs child considering we had this strange thing going on where we still slept together now and then.
I should probably say a little about him because it is kind of important. We were in a relationship for about six months from January last year until he broke up with me. I should probably mention that I was on the pill the whole time I was with him but stopped taking it after we split up because my mum advised me to give my body a rest from it. So basically, I didn't use any protection after that. Please don't judge me for that, I'm well aware that it was stupid.
Anyway my ex has some sort of personality disorder, quite possibly Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and well, it can make things a little difficult so far as communication and arranging things go. It also causes extreme fluctuations in moods and emotions.
Back to the story; we continued sleeping with each other off and on. I also had a one night stand after getting very drunk at a club one night (this was Saturday 10th October), during 'the act' I kind of realized how much of a mistake I was making and convinced the guy to stop without 'finishing'. After lying awake all night feeling ashamed of myself I rang my friend and asked him to pick me up, I then made my excuses to the guy and left. That night I was talking to my ex online and an ex girlfriend of his told him that he'd seen me at the club with a the guy I'd had a one night stand with. It seemed to really upset him and he started saying things that made me worry about him so I text anyone I knew with a car so I could get a lift to where he lives and try and calm him down. Eventually I got there and at first he told me he honestly hated me and he asked me if anything else had happened between me and this guy, at this point no one knew that we'd slept together and that was the way I wanted to keep it so I lied and said that nothing had happened. As the night went on my ex told me that he wanted to be with me again. And at this point I should mention that that was what I wanted more than anything in the world, up until recently I still had very strong feelings for him and I would have done anything to be with him again. Before this there had been various occasions where he said I had 'chances' to win him back and there was even a time when he was choosing between me and another girl, now that I look back on it it wa skind of like an audition. So when he said that he wanted to be with me again that night it made me feel really happy and made me feel so much better about what had happened the previous night. It had gotten late by then so we snuck into his house and, pretty inevitably, ended up sleeping together.
I left in the morning, already knowing that he hadn't meant what he'd said from the way he was acting.
After that we met up for 3 weeks running and stayed the night at hotels, I don't think I need to describe what happened as I'm pretty sure it's easy to work out. During that time there was also a few mentions of getting back together.
So then I found out on the 28th of October that I was pregnant. My ex was with me when I did the tests as I'd told him that I suspected that I was. I did two tests that were both positive.
At that point I didn't have a clue about my dates and so, because we'd slept together so much recently, I had little to no doubt that the baby was his. The following day we spent the night in a hotel too and at one point he said that if I had an abortion then we could maybe be together again, I remember him saying "this isn't a trick". That was obviously quite shocking to hear but it kind of just went over my head to be honest.
I think we spent two more night in a hotel after that, various weeks apart. The only thing that happened worth mentioning is that he mentioned the same thing again but at this point I was almost 15 weeks along. I won't lie, I was tempted. I was confused and not sure whether I was ready to have a baby and, ofcoarse I STILL loved him.
By that time I had been to a couple of midwife appointments and found out that my dates matched up with the two nights that I'd had the one night stand and slept with my ex at his house. So all in all I had no way of knowing who the father was. I hated myself and I can't describe how bad it made me feel. I didn't want to tell anyone because I was ashamed of it. Eventually I told my ex though who was understandable angry that I'd hidden it from him.
I last saw my ex on the 10th January. And I've never seen the other guy again, through my own choice though. The other guy is heavily involved in drugs and such and I really don't want to get involved in that or be anywhere near it. I've never done drugs in my life, apart from smoking weed once but even that made me feel ill.
And so I've gone through pregnancy completely on my own. I do have a supportive family though so I'm very grateful for that. Ofcoarse I eventually had to go through the awkward experience of telling them that I can't be sure who the baby's father is, something that I don't wish on anyone.
At this stage I should probably say that my ex came out with quite the revelation around about this point. Remember how I said I'd stopped the guy I had a one night stand with from 'finishing'? Well I told my ex this too when I told him about it and he then told me that he hadn't 'finished' either when we'd slept together at his house. I don't know if it's true or not, by the time he said that it was quite a long time ago but my instinct and little fragments of memory seem to think otherwise.
There were times when me and my ex didn't talk for months on end but eventually, around a couple of months ago, he asked me about paternity tests. Although it was only through the advice of his girlfriend apparently. I looked up the needed info and said I'd do it if we split the cost 50/50 which we agreed.
We had various conversations/arguments about what would happen if the baby is his. Before this time there'd been stages when he wanted nothing to do with me or 'it' and at other times the opposite. But it was a nice sense of relief to agree on the test because atleast then I'd know who the father is and be able to pick things up from there.
Now we come to the present day. Me and my ex started talking again after all communication being halted after he was caught out speaking about things with me that were a little above the borderline of friendship whilst being with his girlfriend.
Yet again we had various conversations/arguments and then came the big one. He said he had an idea that I needed to run through my head but that no one else needed to know about it. Basically he said he wanted to be the baby's dad even if the result proved otherwise.
His justification was that he didn't want to see me struggle if I was on my own, that he wants to be a dad, that he doesn't want me out of his life and that he wouldn't want the baby to find his real dad because of how much of a bad influence he'd be.
I kinda didn't know what to say to that and couldn't understand alot of the reasons because they seemed very odd coming from him, considering all he'd said in the past and especially when you remember that he suggested abortion twice or maybe more times.
I'll admit it's a very tempting proposition. I still had feelings for him and I knew that he'd be an amazing father. But I also kept thinking about what might happen if it went wrong.
A couple of days later we were talking again.. this time it was definately more like arguing though. He'd taken back his 'offer' and that had really pissed me off. By this point I was SO fed up with being messed around that I asked him, point blank, "Is it worth carrying on having these conversations and trying to sort something out or should we just both move on and forget about it?"
I later realized that I'd pretty much left the decision in his hands without actually meaning to, what I actually intended was to just find out how he really felt about things instead of getting mixed answers all the time. Anyway, he had his few days of thinking time, as did I.
We spoke again and argued some more predictably. I should probably explain why we argued alot.. we always had a difference of opinion on the fact that I hated the thought of having a split family. I wasn't sure if I could deal with it to be perfectly honest. Although I also knew that me and him would never be together again, all that was just a hurtful farce. I probably shouldn't have been so stubborn about the point but it really hurt me to think of the effect that it might have on my baby.
After storming off he came back and said that he'd made up his mind, that he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby.. again. And then after a little while things seemed to get a little more honest.
He said that he knew he couldn't cope with the possibility of being a father until he'd become the person he needed to be. In other words until he'd rid himself of his illness and was sure that he wouldn't cause harm (physchological and maybe physical.. I'm not entirely sure.) to his potential baby.
All in all he doesn't want to have the DNA test anymore because he says knowing the result will jeopordize his goal. If the child wants to know him when he's older he says he has no problem with finding out paternity THEN and if he is proved to be the father then he'll make up for every wasted second.
This sent me into a rage. How can agree to that? How can I agree to putting my baby through a life of not knowing who his father is? I sympathise with my exs illness 100% but I'm not likely to put it before my own child's wellbeing who might or might not be his.
It's a ridiculous proposition. I mean what would happen if the DNA test WAS done at a later date and he didn't turn out to be the father? Where would that leave my child then? He'd have been put through ALL that for nothing.
I could never agree to anything like that and I told him so.
And that's where things have been left.
I'm 24 days away from my due date and everything seems to have crumbled away around me. I can't stand my ex after everything he's done and said.. I think it's dispicable to toy around with something so important.
I know it might be a difficult situation to advise on but I'd appreciate anyone's thoughts.
Oh and I'm sorry for the huge long essay >_< I hope it makes sense and that I remembered to include everything.
I hope I've posted this in the right place..
I've been lurking around on the forums for awhile but I decided to make my first post today and tell my story.
I've reached the end of my tether and I feel that I really need some advice from an outside perspective.
Okay, I found out I was pregnant on the 28th of October 2009 and at the time I was sure it was my exs child considering we had this strange thing going on where we still slept together now and then.
I should probably say a little about him because it is kind of important. We were in a relationship for about six months from January last year until he broke up with me. I should probably mention that I was on the pill the whole time I was with him but stopped taking it after we split up because my mum advised me to give my body a rest from it. So basically, I didn't use any protection after that. Please don't judge me for that, I'm well aware that it was stupid.
Anyway my ex has some sort of personality disorder, quite possibly Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and well, it can make things a little difficult so far as communication and arranging things go. It also causes extreme fluctuations in moods and emotions.
Back to the story; we continued sleeping with each other off and on. I also had a one night stand after getting very drunk at a club one night (this was Saturday 10th October), during 'the act' I kind of realized how much of a mistake I was making and convinced the guy to stop without 'finishing'. After lying awake all night feeling ashamed of myself I rang my friend and asked him to pick me up, I then made my excuses to the guy and left. That night I was talking to my ex online and an ex girlfriend of his told him that he'd seen me at the club with a the guy I'd had a one night stand with. It seemed to really upset him and he started saying things that made me worry about him so I text anyone I knew with a car so I could get a lift to where he lives and try and calm him down. Eventually I got there and at first he told me he honestly hated me and he asked me if anything else had happened between me and this guy, at this point no one knew that we'd slept together and that was the way I wanted to keep it so I lied and said that nothing had happened. As the night went on my ex told me that he wanted to be with me again. And at this point I should mention that that was what I wanted more than anything in the world, up until recently I still had very strong feelings for him and I would have done anything to be with him again. Before this there had been various occasions where he said I had 'chances' to win him back and there was even a time when he was choosing between me and another girl, now that I look back on it it wa skind of like an audition. So when he said that he wanted to be with me again that night it made me feel really happy and made me feel so much better about what had happened the previous night. It had gotten late by then so we snuck into his house and, pretty inevitably, ended up sleeping together.
I left in the morning, already knowing that he hadn't meant what he'd said from the way he was acting.
After that we met up for 3 weeks running and stayed the night at hotels, I don't think I need to describe what happened as I'm pretty sure it's easy to work out. During that time there was also a few mentions of getting back together.
So then I found out on the 28th of October that I was pregnant. My ex was with me when I did the tests as I'd told him that I suspected that I was. I did two tests that were both positive.
At that point I didn't have a clue about my dates and so, because we'd slept together so much recently, I had little to no doubt that the baby was his. The following day we spent the night in a hotel too and at one point he said that if I had an abortion then we could maybe be together again, I remember him saying "this isn't a trick". That was obviously quite shocking to hear but it kind of just went over my head to be honest.
I think we spent two more night in a hotel after that, various weeks apart. The only thing that happened worth mentioning is that he mentioned the same thing again but at this point I was almost 15 weeks along. I won't lie, I was tempted. I was confused and not sure whether I was ready to have a baby and, ofcoarse I STILL loved him.
By that time I had been to a couple of midwife appointments and found out that my dates matched up with the two nights that I'd had the one night stand and slept with my ex at his house. So all in all I had no way of knowing who the father was. I hated myself and I can't describe how bad it made me feel. I didn't want to tell anyone because I was ashamed of it. Eventually I told my ex though who was understandable angry that I'd hidden it from him.
I last saw my ex on the 10th January. And I've never seen the other guy again, through my own choice though. The other guy is heavily involved in drugs and such and I really don't want to get involved in that or be anywhere near it. I've never done drugs in my life, apart from smoking weed once but even that made me feel ill.
And so I've gone through pregnancy completely on my own. I do have a supportive family though so I'm very grateful for that. Ofcoarse I eventually had to go through the awkward experience of telling them that I can't be sure who the baby's father is, something that I don't wish on anyone.
At this stage I should probably say that my ex came out with quite the revelation around about this point. Remember how I said I'd stopped the guy I had a one night stand with from 'finishing'? Well I told my ex this too when I told him about it and he then told me that he hadn't 'finished' either when we'd slept together at his house. I don't know if it's true or not, by the time he said that it was quite a long time ago but my instinct and little fragments of memory seem to think otherwise.
There were times when me and my ex didn't talk for months on end but eventually, around a couple of months ago, he asked me about paternity tests. Although it was only through the advice of his girlfriend apparently. I looked up the needed info and said I'd do it if we split the cost 50/50 which we agreed.
We had various conversations/arguments about what would happen if the baby is his. Before this time there'd been stages when he wanted nothing to do with me or 'it' and at other times the opposite. But it was a nice sense of relief to agree on the test because atleast then I'd know who the father is and be able to pick things up from there.
Now we come to the present day. Me and my ex started talking again after all communication being halted after he was caught out speaking about things with me that were a little above the borderline of friendship whilst being with his girlfriend.
Yet again we had various conversations/arguments and then came the big one. He said he had an idea that I needed to run through my head but that no one else needed to know about it. Basically he said he wanted to be the baby's dad even if the result proved otherwise.
His justification was that he didn't want to see me struggle if I was on my own, that he wants to be a dad, that he doesn't want me out of his life and that he wouldn't want the baby to find his real dad because of how much of a bad influence he'd be.
I kinda didn't know what to say to that and couldn't understand alot of the reasons because they seemed very odd coming from him, considering all he'd said in the past and especially when you remember that he suggested abortion twice or maybe more times.
I'll admit it's a very tempting proposition. I still had feelings for him and I knew that he'd be an amazing father. But I also kept thinking about what might happen if it went wrong.
A couple of days later we were talking again.. this time it was definately more like arguing though. He'd taken back his 'offer' and that had really pissed me off. By this point I was SO fed up with being messed around that I asked him, point blank, "Is it worth carrying on having these conversations and trying to sort something out or should we just both move on and forget about it?"
I later realized that I'd pretty much left the decision in his hands without actually meaning to, what I actually intended was to just find out how he really felt about things instead of getting mixed answers all the time. Anyway, he had his few days of thinking time, as did I.
We spoke again and argued some more predictably. I should probably explain why we argued alot.. we always had a difference of opinion on the fact that I hated the thought of having a split family. I wasn't sure if I could deal with it to be perfectly honest. Although I also knew that me and him would never be together again, all that was just a hurtful farce. I probably shouldn't have been so stubborn about the point but it really hurt me to think of the effect that it might have on my baby.
After storming off he came back and said that he'd made up his mind, that he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby.. again. And then after a little while things seemed to get a little more honest.
He said that he knew he couldn't cope with the possibility of being a father until he'd become the person he needed to be. In other words until he'd rid himself of his illness and was sure that he wouldn't cause harm (physchological and maybe physical.. I'm not entirely sure.) to his potential baby.
All in all he doesn't want to have the DNA test anymore because he says knowing the result will jeopordize his goal. If the child wants to know him when he's older he says he has no problem with finding out paternity THEN and if he is proved to be the father then he'll make up for every wasted second.
This sent me into a rage. How can agree to that? How can I agree to putting my baby through a life of not knowing who his father is? I sympathise with my exs illness 100% but I'm not likely to put it before my own child's wellbeing who might or might not be his.
It's a ridiculous proposition. I mean what would happen if the DNA test WAS done at a later date and he didn't turn out to be the father? Where would that leave my child then? He'd have been put through ALL that for nothing.
I could never agree to anything like that and I told him so.
And that's where things have been left.
I'm 24 days away from my due date and everything seems to have crumbled away around me. I can't stand my ex after everything he's done and said.. I think it's dispicable to toy around with something so important.
I know it might be a difficult situation to advise on but I'd appreciate anyone's thoughts.
Oh and I'm sorry for the huge long essay >_< I hope it makes sense and that I remembered to include everything.
If you want to chat with someone who has, one way or another, lived with PD people all of her life then feel free to PM me 
