looking for answers

[fee32]

hi im looking for someone who understands.

i lost my baby on the 23rd sept 2012, i was 18 weeks but had problems from day 1.

i felt like i was never away from the hospital with passing massive clots the size of my palm. Never any pain and my baby was alway happy and growing well. But on the 19th sept my waters broke baby was still fine not as happy as he should have been but his heartbeat was strong and i could feel him alot. I was told i only had 1 cm of fluid left but he was swallowing and producing fluid himself. They didnt give me any faulse hope but i was still so hopefull as his beating heart in kicks were good signs.
I got out of hospital on sat and i gave birth to him in my house on the sunday with no contractions i couldnt believe what was happening.

When i got back to the hospital i saw my baby boy and he was perfect 10 fingers 10 toes and no sign of any dissorders or anything.

We had Joshs funeral on Thurs a day i will never forget. I feel strange though like sometimes i can feel him kick me, i know its not him but my body is playing a horrible game with me and all i can think about is how much i want him back. He should be under the ground he should be kicking me and giving me back ache and heart burn.

I cant make any sense of it. x

 

[Pink_Sparkle]

Hey hun, I'm so so sorry for your loss. You've been through such a traumatic experience. I lost my baby girl on the 21st if August. My waters broke at 17 weeks, I carried her for a further two weeks but had no fluid recumulate. My world collapsed when I lost her and like you I felt like I could still feel her moving inside me. It will take a lot of time for you to truly come to terms with what has happened. I'm still waiting for answers, we have our appointment at the hospital on the 23rd of this month.
The only advice I can give you just now is just be gentle on yourself. Don't expect too much from yourself too quickly and don't beat yourself up with trying to think about what caused this.

You'll find a lot of support on this forum... We are all here for you, any time you need to rant, vent or just to chat. Big hugs xxx

 

[missmyboys]

I am so sorry for your loss.
I still feel my babies kicking me too, even after 5 months.

 

[fee32]

thank you for your words. Everyone keeps telling me to go get coucilling but what can they do? No one can give me my baby back and at the moment thats all i want. You must be feeling the same. They took lots of bloods off me to try and see if i had an infection but wont find out they results for another 4 weeks or so. Hope we both get some answers xx

 

[Andypanda6570]

thank you for your words. Everyone keeps telling me to go get coucilling but what can they do? No one can give me my baby back and at the moment thats all i want. You must be feeling the same. They took lots of bloods off me to try and see if i had an infection but wont find out they results for another 4 weeks or so. Hope we both get some answers xx

I am so deeply sorry for your loss

I lost my Ava at 20 weeks, i gave birth to her in my home and we buried her on 3-11-2011/ Counseling did not help me, what helped me was grief counseling in a group with other women who have been through it. I am not saying anything bad about counseling, but how can any person help you when they have no conception of this tragedy? They can't help, but being around other women who know exactly what you are going through and sharing your feelings and sadness is priceless. It helps, believe me and when you hear them talk about daily life you just sit there and know exactly how they feel , cause you either experienced it or will experience it.

My Sister In Law is 35 weeks pregnant we both have 3 boys ( Older) and she isn't saying what she is having, but i just know it is a girl and I am terrified of this, nobody i mean nobody understands how I feel, they think I am being selfish I am really happy for her and she does deserve to get her little girl, but I am sad for me cause i know every single time I see this baby will be a struggle for me and every single time I will have to hold back tears. I am dreading going to that hospital and seeing pink and having everyone so excited. it will be the first girl ever in the family, Ava would have been the first if I didn't loose her. How am i going to get through this, i pray every night for strength. Now going to the meetings I realize so many feel just like me, it is normal it is the process. I finally was able to be around pregnant women and babies and then my Sister in Law got pregnant and I felt like I was back to square one I got used to the pregnancy and seeing her belly and now I have to get used to a newborn being in the family and being around me. Holidays, Baptism, First Birthday, I just have to get through this. It is a daily struggle, but I know I will be ok and so will you also, it takes some time. Please try to see if there are any meeting in your area mine are in my hospital and usually they are free, I really hope you can find one, cause trust me it will make a difference..
All My Love, Andrea

 

[fee32]

WHY did my body let my baby down? I am Josh's mum i am suppose to protect him and keep him safe so why did i let him leave me????????????

 

[Andypanda6570]

WHY did my body let my baby down? I am Josh's mum i am suppose to protect him and keep him safe so why did i let him leave me????????????

 

[Hellylou]

I am so sorry for your loss. This wasn't your fault, please believe that. My situation was similar to yours in that I was bleeding for weeks - not clots, but just bleeding. I just knew it wasn't right, and I had weeks of anguish just waiting for the worst to happen. My waters went in the end at 16 weeks, so a little earlier than you, but my little baby boy was fine in there, strong heartbeat, some fluid, but I was showing infection by then and I had to deliver. There was nothing wrong with him.

I spent a long time blaming myself and my body for letting him down. I don't think those guilty feelings ever entirely vanish, but a year on I have found some peace with myself on that front. I guess pregnancy is such a delicate process and something somewhere went wrong. I will never know what happened or why but all that bleeding meant that something went drastically wrong and it wasn't down to anything I did. Remember that, it was nothing you did or didn't do.

I just wanted to warn you that you may not get any answers, but my doctor told me that the fact there was no reason was actually better, in that it meant that it was unlikely to happen again, and when I was blessed with another pregnancy it didn't happen again. I had no bleeding, and it felt right.

Be gentle on yourself during these difficult weeks ahead.

 

[Hunneytot]

I am so sorry for your loss Lots and lots of hugs.