Losing my mind

[CapitalChick]

I lost my mind this morning. I fell into a fit of rage and crying and throwing things and banging walls and wanting to kill myself.
I'm exhausted. I'm mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I'm tired of platitudes, I'm tired of having hope and then losing it. I'm tired of waiting. Weeks and weeks of waiting. Months and months. I'm exhausted. I want it to stop.
We timed everything so perfectly htis month. In fact, I stupidly allowed myself to get hopeful because everything just went so fucking perfectly this month. I caught a fade-in pattern on my OPK and we were disciplined and we waited until I had a strong positive on my OPK (testing 3x per day), and we tried two nights ago, even though I was as dry as a desert. And then last night, which was really the night to try (I'm 100% sure I ovulated right before we tried), last night we tried again. This was supposed to be it for us. I had HOPE this month. We tried and, for whatever fucking reason, EVERYTHING came gushing out as soon as my husband pulled out. And he pulled out immediately after finishing. I know that everyone is thinking that it's normal for stuff to spill out. I know that too. BUT EVERYTHING....EVERYTHING came out.
And y'know what else? Yesterday I bought the 'instead' cups. I thought I'd try and put one in after sex and leave it there all night. DH actually made fun of me and told me I was losing my mind for wanting to use it. So, embarassed, I didn't use it after sex. I could've scooped everything up and shoved it back in with a cup. But instead I just wiped it away with a towel. There was nothing left in me.
This rage this morning....that was all hope leaving me.
We're religious people and I'm just ready to give it all up. I'm furious with God. FURIOUS. What the fuck am I building a solid home for? Why am I living my life this way? I always did it so that my children could be raised in a strong home. What children? What's the point now? I want to give it all up.
I'm so enranged.

 

[Lisa1984]

You might still get your , one little swimmer might have done its job

 

[Loula]

Nothing to say that'll make you feel any better or soothe you, as I know there are simply not enough words in the world, so am just going to be here to listen when you need it, and a big

 

[Arcanegirl]

Capital Chick.

its very understandable to feel and act like this, i do sometimes wonder after all this time if maybe i should just give up, just enjoy life as the two of us.

Dont give up hope, you will get there one way or another. i hope you feel a bit better after venting your anger

 

[FJL]

It absolutely sucks to go through this, its so unfair and just makes life seem so bloody cruel.

I think any long term TTC would know where you're coming from and what you're feeling is normal.

With all the semen coming out, honestly, some does go up there, not much though really. We've tried at home insemination and get a good 5ml of semen, shot it up, I stood on my head for ages, then layed on my back and when I got up there was lots that came out still. I've asked several doctors and 2 specialists and it is normal, they said it can look like it all came out but that lots did go up there, it just doesn't look like it!

Its hard to know or to accept why life has played out this way for us. When there are people that abuse, neglect, don't love or care for their babies and they get pregnant very easily...then there are those of us who would sell our souls to be pregnant and have a baby and we have to go through hell and back to even try, no guarantees. Its not fair.

We're all here for you

 

[wannabmum]

Huni I'm so so sorry u are feeling like this I know this doesn't help much but as others have said it is completely normal to feel this way when u long term ttc it is total mix of emotions, plkease try and keep ur chin up & stay positive (easier said than done I know) Have u had and test done as yet any probs known of (sorry just unsure of history) We are all here for u huni

xx