Lost firstborn Nov 10, TTC but heart not in it

[starnurse76]

Hi everyone,

First time on here. dont know why i am on here really... Our little boy had Edwards Syndrome - a chromosomal disorder where the life expectancy is very very low not to mention heart defects, brain problems etc - we decided not to let our little Adam suffer and had to terminate the pregnancy. That is in a nutshell.. what we had to go through, oh my god, i keep reliving it over and over in my head and i feel utter sadness. Taking that tablet to stop my baby growing was... Oh god ... the hardest thing in the world. My little baby, I had only heard his little heart beating a few days before that dreaded 5 month scan when we were given the news. The physical characteristics were so apparent there was no question... but god did we hope. Oh god we hoped, we prayed. All those nights in front of the fire in the heart of winter, my husband and i clutching each other and crying our hearts out for son.

He was born on Nov 12th, 3pm. No heart beating, no cries. No eyes opening. I havent stopped crying ever since.

My husband is devastated. It has hit him so hard, we end up arguing a lot. He is angry, frustrated. his name is russell and he is my life. I love him more than life itself and he feels the same about me. So it kills me that i couldnt give him a healthy child. I blame myself a lot.

Because we are so desperate for the pain to stop or at least lessen, we half heartedly DTD but in our minds, our little Adam is still very much alive. And that is what we have to deal with first before we can think of moving on and having another baby.
I am a muslim, and Russ is a christian. We have been through an awful lot to get together and got married (happiest day of my life) in 2007. We have had a lot to deal with since then as well, bullying at work etc. It seemed at last this baby would mean our luck was changing. Sadly, it ended in utter devastation.

Russ and I are concentrating on finding ourselves again. Grieving hasnt stopped even after 5 months. We are both back at work ages ago - my husband went back 1 month later and i stayed off for 4 months, only recently returned. Work has helped a lot.
I guess i am on here to have you all pray for me. I guess in a way im appealing for prayers! I have lost faith in God you see. I cant forgive him. Not yet. Please pray we will get through this together and are blessed with another child soon enough.

God bless to you all who have suffered a similar fate and i pray you all find happiness soon.
HUGS,

Shamima xxx

 

[SarahJane]

Shamima, the things you are saying are so close to some of my feelings. I have to believe that there is a "god" out there so I know Evelyn is somewhere but I am also incredibly angry that "god" took my baby.

I know that words will not help. I'd love to be able to bring our babies back but that is not going to happen so all I will do is send you some hugs.

If ever you need someone to talk to, send me a message. I am also trying for another baby. Some may say it seems too soon but for me I do not think I will be complete until I am holding a live baby.

The decision you made was the right decision for you hun. Do not blame yourself as your little boy loves you very much and he certainly will not be blaming you

 

[peacebaby]

shamima..am truly sorry for your loss and i know its difficult but remember as a muslim you know that little Adam will be waiting to take yours and Russ's hand into Paradise, this is something beautiful to hang to onto and God Willing you will both get through this and will soon find the strength within yourselves and each other to try again. Never lose faith, we may not understand the Divine Wisdom, but ultimately trust that there is a reason for everything we go through. Be strong and good luck !

 

[kosh]

shamima, i'm so so sorry for your loss and what you are going through.
i know it is difficult but do not feel guilty or blame yourself for what happened.
i am not a religious person so i can't say i will pray, but i can still hope with all my heart that you get a healthy baby soon.

 

[hollyw79]

I'm sooooooooo very sorry for everything you've gone through.. words cannot express how sad I feel for you. I am a firm believer in God and I believe it is when we can't see clearly and when we feel so lost and alone.. that is when we need to turn to Him most. I will for sure pray for you.. for peace and healing!!!!

 

[starnurse76]

oh my god, im sooo overwhelmed with all your kind kind words, they made me cry. Made me cry really for the kindness and encouragement and support you can find amongst strangers. Although i dont feel you are all strangers but actually people who can totally totally ubnderstand what im going through.
Its so frustrating- people cant understand what your going through unless theyve truly been there themselves. They end up saying things like " but you'll try again wont you", as if this makes things ok, as if that is the answer to my problems.
Having said that though... Sarah Jane, you have hit the nail right on the head. Russ and I wont be happy until i say im pregnant. Do you know something? I have often re-ancted the time when i do say im pregnant. How will i announce it? With utter utter joy. Im sat in the bath and pretending im pregnant and saying to my husband, Russ.. im pregnant. God how sad am i to be disclosing all this to you all but .. like i said, you all seem to understand me so well.

Russ and I had such a "good" cry the other day. I have not opened Adams "box" for months as it hurt so much, but it seemed as soon as i opened it, my husband came up and held me and cried with me. It was therapeutic. It was nice. Because we, in a long time, actually grieved together again. Like we were on an even keel.

Hollyw79 (im just wondering is the 79 the year you were born? if so we are the same age!) I am truly truly grateful and touched you will pray for me - thank you so much. XXX and Kosh, even if youre not religious hun, its your kind words that are my support. XX

Peacebaby - i have love your beautiful message!!!!!! thank you!!!

can i ask each one of you - am i the only one who re-enacts BFP announcements? LOL. Please dont think i am mad (well, ok, MADDER!) i hope someone will pipe up, hey thats me!I do that! LOL. What are your bad habits when it comes to TTC???

Love to you all and a mass return of ((((((((((( HUGS ))))))))))) right back at you.

Shamima XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

[babyboo1258]

ohhh sweetheart, i read your story and cried, your such an amazing lady, im so sorry to both of you for the loss of your beautiful boy, i will say a prayer for you, and your in my thoughts. time is a great healer

never forgotten, sleep tight adam

 

[roothy]

Shamima I am so so sorry for all you have been through and for your loss. I pray that you and Russell will find the peace and calm that you need.
we lost our little angel at 10 weeks in Feb this year. First baby after long period of trying. It was devastating- utterly devastating. I have never had to deal with anything like it in my life. You must be so strong to have made the decision you did to let your son go.
I understand how lost you feel at times and how guilty. These feelings are normal and will subside. I have no answer to why god takes our angels - all I can do is trust that there is a will at work and I find comfort that God will look after us and bless us again.
Grieving together and supporting each other is so important.
We started TTC straight after MC. Its emotionally draining and I think to begin with it was something to fill the space with. WHat I understand now is that the baby I lost will NEVER be replaced but will always be with me and always be in my heart. We carry on trying - but it is hard - the disappointment and the anxiety.
As for re-enacting BFP announcements - I know exactly what you mean hun! WHen I found out I was pregnant in Jan, I had basically given up thinking it would happen. My initial reaction was shock and a feeling of how on earth am I going to cope. I cried. I soon got my head around it and was so happy but I often relive those first few minutes and hours. I play out what will happen next time - how happy I will be from that first second. You are not mad hun - just a living breathing human being trying to cope with what life throws at us

Lov an dhugs hun and am here - we are all here - for you

Ruth xxxx