lost my angel

[notmeanttobe]

Hi anyone who reads this.

First time i've ever written on a forum so new to this.

Just wanted a space to write down my story where others who have been through this might read it etc.

I'm 23 and my partner of 6 years is 25, we started trying for a baby last yr after discussing and planning for what seemed like forever, we fell pretty much straight away which was great, we found out I was pregnant after returing from our first abroad holiday together in Turkey (where my man proposed to me) so as you can imagine I was ultimately fit to burst with happiniess at all my dreams seemingly coming true.

At 11 and a bit weeks pregnant (2 days before our first scan) I started spotting at work and in the back of my head although there wasn't alot of blood (sorry for the gore) I knew everything wasn't right, a few hours later I started getting cramps (I had booked in with my GP for an emergency appointment for straight after work) when i got there he said it was common, not to panick, that it probably wan't what i thought, he presed on my tummy looking for pain etc, his words were: "dont jump up or down, try to remain layed down when you get home and if the bleeding suddenly worsens phone us and good luck" so obviously i was so scared.

When me and my partner got home, we had a few hours then I was sat on the sofa at about 7pm that evening when i suddenly felt a gush and i just screamed out to my partner what was happening, after a long time of this and my partner trying to get me on towels etc i actually felt what i knew was my baby leaving me and I just whailed that my baby was leaving me, my poor fiance was fantastic me had NHS direct on the phone purely because I was loosing such a vast amount of blood and felt like I was going to pass out, they said he needed to get me to the hospital but i wouldn't go, it was my baby and it would have been too final to hear them say it, my partner stayed awake with me all night holding me until it was time to go in the morning, i just felt so sick and disgusted with myself that some how I had let this happen.

I was left in the hospital (maternity) amongst all the happy expecting mothers for an age until finally me and my partner were escorted my some glum faced women through to have a scan, i dont think she had been informed at all what we'd had to go through the night before and just thought it was our first scan.

The scan didn't pick up our baby, I knew it wouldn't but seeing that screen after dreaming for nearly 3 months of seeing our little bub and hearing her/his heartbeat was just heartbreaking, the pain was then dragged out further by her saying it could be an ectopic. We then after an internal scan and urine and blood samples were sent home still without being told the words you have miscarried, and had to wait 48 hours to find out if my hormone levels were dropping.

We then on the monday morning went back up to the hospital to hear those words 'I'm sorry to tell you this but you have had a miscarriage'

It was in some strange way a relief because i finally knew she/he had gone, the 24 hours after this were again soul destroying as I layed on our bathroom floor going through contractions because my body had been through such an ordeal.

The worst part of suffering this horrendous ordeal is that I never got a chance to see my baby, if I had been given a scan at 9 weeks, I know there wouldn't have been a lot to see but we would have been given a chance, I felt that i'd been robbed, I had the miscarriage on the 23rd October and I would have been due on 11th May this year.

If anyone else has been here please write back.

The guilt even for talking about it is horrible, if I lay it on my partner i feel selfish because at the end of the day he lost his baby too and even my mum because she lost her grandchild, so thank you to anyone who reads this.

xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Chilli]

I know how you feel. My heart is broken too! It sounds as though you had a terrible ordeal as if just straightforward losing your baby isn't bad enough. You MUST share your feelings with your Mum and fiance because they probably need it as much as you. But if you really feel you can't please talk to me or someone else here. My sister never shared with me and I waited for her to.. years later our relationship is destroyed as she never forgave me for not helping her which was never my intention, I just didn't want to make things worse! Now I'm suffering my own loss and I realise where I went wrong. Don't keep it all in! Big hugs

 

[MissingBubs]

Hi, Sorry to hear your pain and grief. You have had such trauma over the past months and I think it's important that you talk about it. Please don't feel guilty for sharing your feelings.
I had a similar, yet less traumatic experience only 2 weeks ago and cannot thank the girls on this website enough for listening to me.
My partner tries to stay strong for me and therefore does not like to talk about it. He has previously lost two babies in 3rd tri so I sometimes feel guilty for putting him through it again.
These are all "normal" feelings, whatever that may mean!
Please try and talk to your loved ones. It may be that your partner also wants to talk to you about it, but doesn't want to upset you further.
The most important thing is that you don't feel alone, so if you want to private message me for a chat, please do.
xxx

 

[LeaArr]

I am so sorry for your loss

 

[Las78]

Honey, so very sorry. It is heartbreaking losing a baby and unfortunately there is a lot of us that have been exactly where you are so we understand how you feel hun.

It is good that you are able to talk about this, it must have been so very traumatic for you.

Sending you huge hugs hun, we're here for you whenever you need us.

Take care x

 

[becky77]

so sorry you have been through this terrible ordeal, people who have not been through it do not realise how heartbreaking it is.
you sound like you had an awful time of it ,i had a missed m/c in october and would have been due on 18th may , i have now just had my second m/c, so know exactly how you are feeling.
you can come on this website any time and there is always somebody here with a kind word or just somebody willing to listen. get all your feelings and rants out on here honey, we are here if you need us .
take care
sending hugs x

 

[toby2]

sorry you have had such a tough time
x

 

[Tishimouse]

I'm sorry to read of your terrible experience too and would like to encourage you to share your experience with your family as I think they need to hear you talk about it. Even if they do not give you the words you want to hear, at least in the future they can't blame you for not sharing. Also, anyone close to you, although they are trying to cope themselves, will want to know that you are alright. By sharing how you feel, you will in turn help yourself heal. I do hope that healing process starts soon for you and that you manage your grief and mixed emotions well.

It's always good to know that you have somewhere to come to for support, and this is a good place for that. Lots of other women with similar experiences to lend support and share positive thoughts. Take care of yourself.