lost my little girl 20 weeks .. haven't slept in days

[Spinsmadly]

I had an appointment with my midwife last Thursday and I was a little worried I was measuring small, I had lots of anxiety this pregnancy but every time we did u/s or checked hb all looked well. I had bleeding at 10 weeks or so but ultrasound never saw a reason for it.
I was incredibly sick this pregnancy with hypermeisis from 5 weeks to when we lost her. I had 2 other kids to care for and it was impossible.
Anyway at my appointment at 19-20 weeks we didn't get a heartbeat. so we went to the ultrasound and the minute she put the machine on and i saw no movement i knew she was gone. they measured her at about 17 weeks. I had just had an ultrasound at 15 and all was perfect and i heard the heartbeat about a couple days before we lost her I guess. I chose to take the meds at home with the assistance of my midwife and very supportive friends on saturday. they stayed with me all day and night until she came and I held her as did my husband, she was tiny and perfect. i had knit her some things as did my friends and we buried in a nearby cemetery a couple days later with all her things and a picture of our family.
I can't stop blaming myself, she looked so perfect, I keep thinking it must have been something I did or didn't do. I keep wondering what I could have done differently or should have.
I have two other kids, 3 and 1, boys, this was going to be my little girl but now I feel so guilty that I even cared if it was a girl/boy, I just want my baby back and healthy and alive.
I feel like I've been miserable forever and it's only been a few days and it feels like it will never get better. I am tired of being miserable every time someone asks me how I am doing and I feel like they are going to get tired of it. I was so sick during my pregnancy that I couldn't do much with my kids and now that i am not sick anymore I feel like I should want to spend more time with them but the awful part is , I really don't. I want to just be alone.
Still the boys are distracting during the day and so is whatever else I can fill the day with, chatting with people online, tv, etc. But once its night time and it's quiet and everyone is sleeping like nothing happened, I just stay awake and cry and think. As if I can wish her back into existence by crying.

 

[mammaspath]

oh dear.......that experience sounds terrible.........i had a baby at 20 weeks, a little boy. he had gastroschesis and his chest cavity was open up through to his shoulder. he weighed one pound and was just so perfect........my heart just hurts for you....

i miscarried in december 2011 at 12 weeks as well......the pain is untraceable and just sneaks up on me sometimes.

one day at a time.........youll get back to hanging out with your boys in no time......chin up

do you know what was wrong with the little one?

 

[Spinsmadly]

Not a clue..

 

[nicksi27]

I had an appointment with my midwife last Thursday and I was a little worried I was measuring small, I had lots of anxiety this pregnancy but every time we did u/s or checked hb all looked well. I had bleeding at 10 weeks or so but ultrasound never saw a reason for it.
I was incredibly sick this pregnancy with hypermeisis from 5 weeks to when we lost her. I had 2 other kids to care for and it was impossible.
Anyway at my appointment at 19-20 weeks we didn't get a heartbeat. so we went to the ultrasound and the minute she put the machine on and i saw no movement i knew she was gone. they measured her at about 17 weeks. I had just had an ultrasound at 15 and all was perfect and i heard the heartbeat about a couple days before we lost her I guess. I chose to take the meds at home with the assistance of my midwife and very supportive friends on saturday. they stayed with me all day and night until she came and I held her as did my husband, she was tiny and perfect. i had knit her some things as did my friends and we buried in a nearby cemetery a couple days later with all her things and a picture of our family.
I can't stop blaming myself, she looked so perfect, I keep thinking it must have been something I did or didn't do. I keep wondering what I could have done differently or should have.
I have two other kids, 3 and 1, boys, this was going to be my little girl but now I feel so guilty that I even cared if it was a girl/boy, I just want my baby back and healthy and alive.
I feel like I've been miserable forever and it's only been a few days and it feels like it will never get better. I am tired of being miserable every time someone asks me how I am doing and I feel like they are going to get tired of it. I was so sick during my pregnancy that I couldn't do much with my kids and now that i am not sick anymore I feel like I should want to spend more time with them but the awful part is , I really don't. I want to just be alone.
Still the boys are distracting during the day and so is whatever else I can fill the day with, chatting with people online, tv, etc. But once its night time and it's quiet and everyone is sleeping like nothing happened, I just stay awake and cry and think. As if I can wish her back into existence by crying.

First off let me say im so sorry for your loss ..... its the most unbearable pain in the world but it DOES get better, hang in there. I lost my little boy in february at 20 weeks. Like you, something just hadnt felt right during the pregnancy and i just knew something was wrong, i knew i would never bring him home. I was also quite small and when we went for our 20 week scan, Jacob had died a few days earlier. My world caved in. Im so sorry you have had to hear these words too they will haunt me forever. Please try not to focus on feelings of guilt, i did for the first few weeks (still do a little as it was my body that failed him) but it just eats you up. These dark times will pass although at the moment it might seem as if they never will .... you will always feel the pain of losing your little one but it will get better i promise.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you are feeling . I lost my Ava at 20 weeks, i gave birth in my house and we buried her on 3/11/2011. I have 3 boys 20, 17 and 11 and by accident I got pregnant at 40 yrs. old. I was overjoyed and then to find out it was my little girl was just a dream for me. Went in for my sonogram and i found out she was gone a piece of me died with her and for 15 months I have been trying to be strong and get things back in order. I miss her SO much and I miss what could have been. The first 10 months after her loss I was really bad very depressed and for me I am to scared to try again cause of my age, i will be 42 in June.
I know a lot of people say that I am not to old and this and that but when I read the statistics it scares me to death, i can't go through another loss, I don't know if I would make it if it happened again I cried so much one eye was swollen shut and it has taken me 15 months to get back to some kind of normal and you will reach that point also. I know it is horrible to hear but time does heal you, I promise, we all reach this point at certain times. Just remember you will find peace and we are all here for you anytime you need us. I am so deeply sorry .XOOX Andrea

 

[morm91]

Sorry for your loss. I know how you must be feeling. I lost my Son Lee at 21weeks unfortunately my water broke the day of my sonogram. I was alone during this pregnancy which I don't think helped any. It is still hard from time to time. I can't help but ball my eyes out. I found though as time went on it got less hard. not so much easier just less painful. Its been over a year now, and now being pregnant for the second time (not alone) I worry that the same thing will happen everyday. I almost feel like I shouldn't be happy, nor truly acknowledge that I am pregnant. it is a terrible thing to loose a child. whether they were planned or not. because whether we like to admit it or not, the minute we got that positive we felt like a mommy and we love that child more then anything else.. I would like to quote a post I read. " A person that loses a partner is called a widow, A child that loses a parent is called an orphan, but there is no word to describe a parent that loses a child because the lose is like no other". I hope my words will help heal your sorrows. or at least bring them to a more bearable level. xoxox

 

[SabrinaKat]

I'm so sorry for your loss; thinking of you in my prayers...

please take care of yourself -- as the ladies here have already pointed out, how you feel is sadly, normal, and please try not to blame yourself.....

best wishes

 

[Spinsmadly]

thank you for all the words of support. did any of you TTC again after a loss? and how long did it take until you thought you were ready..?

 

[gnomette]

hi i lost my little boy at 20 weeks it will be a month tomorrow since he was born! but the sleep will come an you will start to feel less guilty for being with smiling with your boys day by day i still feel guilty for life moving not forward or being stuck but for everyone else it was still moving an it wasn't for me it takes a wile an i never believed anyone when they said that it would get easier but it does a weeny bit at a time somedays you don't notice it an others you will sit an think i made it through the morning with out crying i got out of bed with it being less of a chore an i made it through a morning with out having to go take 5mins to cry or hold back the tears but don't feel guilty its part of you starting to manage your loss not getting over it just dealing with how you grieve!
i am sorry you have found your self here but the ladies are great x sending you all the love an hugs xx

 

[morm91]

thank you for all the words of support. did any of you TTC again after a loss? and how long did it take until you thought you were ready..?

Well unfortunately like I said I had been alone during my pregnancy with my son.
I had wanted to try again after meeting my current bf not long after losing my son, but thought it was important to wait some more. He showed me that life isnt all pain and heartache. I can honestly say Im not sure I would have been ready to try again if I hadnt met him. I had already known that eventually I would want kids for sure. But being that I wasnt in love with anyone I waited. It was 10 months after I lost my son that I started trying again. Now im 6w4d into my second pregnancy and it is scary. thinking of the possibilities and all but all in all I can say that I am just grateful to get another chance.

 

[littleANDlost]

thank you for all the words of support. did any of you TTC again after a loss? and how long did it take until you thought you were ready..?

To start with i am so sorry you have to go through this, Like everyone has said that it does get easy to carry on living, and day by day you’ll start to want to do the things that right now your only doing because you have to.

We started TTC again about 6 months after my first daughter was born at 20 weeks. It took us some time but it did happen and nearly 3 months ago My rainbow baby was born. It was terrifying to try and terrifying being pregnant but I'm so glad we took the plunge to try again.

 

[Pinkorblue11]

thank you for all the words of support. did any of you TTC again after a loss? and how long did it take until you thought you were ready..?

I'm so sorry about your baby girl.

I lost my baby boy to incompetent cervix on April 14th. We planned to wait until September to start trying again but certain circumstances have come up, and after a long talk, DH and I have decided to try in July. It's scary but we're hopeful that the right cerclage will help a future pregnancy make it to term.

 

[MrsRH]

sorry for your loss
x

 

[DueSeptember]

sorry for your Loss...I thought the pain would never go away I Lost my Baby girl Last year and for a while I felt like my World has stopped then a month later my Mom passed away...I really dont know how I made it through..I guess we dont know how strong we really are but with time it will ease the pain but she will always be in your Heart!!!

 

[v2007]

V xxx

 

[tummymummy]

I am so sorry for your loss xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Mellybelle]

I am so sorry

You've come to the right place for support. BabyandBump has been my saviour,

 

[PinkCupcake]

I just want to say, the pain i'm going through right now is basically equivalent to what feels like a knife cutting through my heart but i can't start to imagine the type of pain you must be feeling. I found out yesterday that my baby had stopped growing at roughly 11 and a half weeks, and i'm suppose to be 12 weeks now. Seeing my baby at 8 weeks was so lovely with a heartbeat and everything (in my pic) and then seeing the baby on the screen yesterday was heartbreaking and i knew from that moment that something wasn't right. I guess if i had to choice to pick when something goes wrong i'd obviously pick right at the start, but my heart just goes out to you. After feeling kicks, seeing a fully formed baby on a ultrasound screen and hearing the HB just a few days before; and then getting this? Don't blame yourself or think that you're wrong for wanting to be alone and don't think people will get sick of you sounding miserable. I think ANYONE in their right mind would be no different. People act like this when they've had a normal miscarriage but what you have been through is 10 times worse, allow as much time as you want to grieve because you need to. I'm going in for my d&c on monday which i'm dreading because i'm feeling some form of comfort right now, even though the baby has died inside me, i just feel comforted knowing that it's still with me and i don't want it to go anywhere Going through things like this in any form is heartbreaking and i suppose it's such a relief for any mother when their baby is finally born as there's constant worry along the way My thoughts are with you and i definately can't say I know how you feel to that extreme but i'm going through similar pain and i'll always have a chat with you x x

 

[Spinsmadly]

PinkCupcake- I found out 2 days before we induced and I felt the same way, I knew she had died but I felt some comfort because she was STILL with me. it was awful.

I keep wondering if it was because my kids hand Hand Foot Mouth about 10-12 days before they think I lost her. I find conflicting info online. Of course my Dr and midwife have said it wouldn't have been the cause.. Anyone else heard of this?

 

[chrislo4]

I'm incredibly sorry for your loss. I cant begin to imagine how you must be feeling xx

About hand,foot & mouth .. I was told 2 weeks ago that my nephew had hand,foot & mouth disease. I had been in contact with him the previous weekend. Of course first thing i did was research on the internet and like you, found conflicting information. Some said yes to harm, others said no. Anyway, long story short, i spoke to a midwife in the weeks,who apparently deals with these sort of cases,and she said its very unlikely an unborn baby can be harmed from hand, foot & mouth. As i am so close to delivery, i have to mention it to them and they will test etc. This probably hasnt helped in any way but just wanted to share what i was told as it was so recent xx