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I lost my first baby at 13 weeks in October 2014. I thought there was no way I'd ever get over that pain. But eventually I did. And when we fell pregnant again in late February, I was ecstatic. And everything was going perfectly, just like my last pregnancy. Then all of a sudden things started getting complicated. I think the hardest part about both losses was that both babies were perfectly healthy. It was something with my own body that couldn't sustain them. 
The whole story is a little long, but here it is....
The whole story is a little long, but here it is....
So last Tuesday at my 20 weeks scan, we noticed my cervix was funneling and immediately put in an emergency pessary. It is a round donut thing that is supposed to hold the cervix in place and take pressure off it. My doctor said that , along with progesterone, should give me good chances , at least to make it to viability. Well the next week I took it easy, mostly lying bed, sometimes sitting on the couch. I felt a lot of pressure, which everyone said was normal anytime I'd called about it.
Well Monday morning I called again with concerns and got seen later that evening. My doctor said my cervix closed tight. I was relieved. The next day I felt more pressure, but thought nothing of it. That night before bed I went to the bathroom and felt like something was going to fall out of me! I touched down there and was fairly certain it was my membranes....and it was.
We called the ambulance and they got us to the hospital. I was a wreck. I prayed and prayed and just knew God would save my baby. We got there and I was examined, and the doctor said my membranes filled almost my whole vagina. So they put me upside down in bed, hoping they would slide back in and I could get an emergency stitch. So I lied there all night, unable to sleep just waiting for the morning. I was supposed to be transferred right away to a hospital with a better nicu, but there were no rooms available. So the next hospital on the list accepted us, and that's where I am now. I got here about 2 in the afternoon and the high risk doctor here said there was nothing to do but wait. The membranes were bulging through the pessary and they couldn't do the stitch with that in the way. So wait we did. A few hours later I thought my water broke. Turns out blood was leaking out. They couldn't tell from where, but it just kept coming. They were afraid I'd bleed out so immediately removed the pessary, which burst the membranes. I still held onto hope that baby could make it. But throughout the night they continued to monitor her heartbeat. Until 6am Thursday morning when it wasn't there anymore. My little girl was gone.
They gave me pitocin around 9:30 and contractions got stronger almost immediately. They got so intense. The doctor had initially told me that baby was still so small I might not have contractions and she.could just slide out. Ummmm what? I knew that wasn't true, as my 13 week loss wasn't that simple. Anyway contractions kept coming until finally I thought I felt like baby was on her way out. I told the doctor and she said.to push. I was scared, and also in pain. I could not push any more! The doctor reached in and helped out, and there was baby.
Our beautiful Selah Ellease. I couldn't believe how big she was, already one pound! I will post pictures later for those who want to see, I know everyone doesn't.
I am so heartbroken. I can't imagine why God would allow us to go through such pain, twice! But I still trust Him and know this process would be even harder without Him. I should be going home tomorrow morning if my healing continues to go well. I think here at the hospital I've been in a bubble, and I will be so much worse back in the "real world". Baby stuff is all over the house, nursery all set to be painted. I don't know how I'll face it.
Well Monday morning I called again with concerns and got seen later that evening. My doctor said my cervix closed tight. I was relieved. The next day I felt more pressure, but thought nothing of it. That night before bed I went to the bathroom and felt like something was going to fall out of me! I touched down there and was fairly certain it was my membranes....and it was.
We called the ambulance and they got us to the hospital. I was a wreck. I prayed and prayed and just knew God would save my baby. We got there and I was examined, and the doctor said my membranes filled almost my whole vagina. So they put me upside down in bed, hoping they would slide back in and I could get an emergency stitch. So I lied there all night, unable to sleep just waiting for the morning. I was supposed to be transferred right away to a hospital with a better nicu, but there were no rooms available. So the next hospital on the list accepted us, and that's where I am now. I got here about 2 in the afternoon and the high risk doctor here said there was nothing to do but wait. The membranes were bulging through the pessary and they couldn't do the stitch with that in the way. So wait we did. A few hours later I thought my water broke. Turns out blood was leaking out. They couldn't tell from where, but it just kept coming. They were afraid I'd bleed out so immediately removed the pessary, which burst the membranes. I still held onto hope that baby could make it. But throughout the night they continued to monitor her heartbeat. Until 6am Thursday morning when it wasn't there anymore. My little girl was gone.
They gave me pitocin around 9:30 and contractions got stronger almost immediately. They got so intense. The doctor had initially told me that baby was still so small I might not have contractions and she.could just slide out. Ummmm what? I knew that wasn't true, as my 13 week loss wasn't that simple. Anyway contractions kept coming until finally I thought I felt like baby was on her way out. I told the doctor and she said.to push. I was scared, and also in pain. I could not push any more! The doctor reached in and helped out, and there was baby.
Our beautiful Selah Ellease. I couldn't believe how big she was, already one pound! I will post pictures later for those who want to see, I know everyone doesn't.
I am so heartbroken. I can't imagine why God would allow us to go through such pain, twice! But I still trust Him and know this process would be even harder without Him. I should be going home tomorrow morning if my healing continues to go well. I think here at the hospital I've been in a bubble, and I will be so much worse back in the "real world". Baby stuff is all over the house, nursery all set to be painted. I don't know how I'll face it.
