Lost my son at 14weeks

[AmandaW525]

Hello everyone. I am new to this site but in my search for comfort I stumbled upon it and here I am. After a few days of reading threads, I wanted to share what happened to me.

My husband and I had been trying to conceive our first child on and off for almost 2 years. We were not trying when we found out I was pregnant. I was 7 weeks when I found out. At 13weeks 5 days I went to the ER after heavy bleeding and passing a large clot. My baby still had a strong heart beat and they sent me home on bed rest with orders to see my OB first thing in the morning. My OB got me in for another ultrasound where she found my fluid was very low and although the baby still had a strong heart beat, it didn't look good. She sent me home on more bed rest and ordered another ultrasound for Wednesday morning. On Tuesday night (14 weeks) I went into labor. After loosing an obscene amount of blood, my fingers, lips and toes were turning blue. I was bleeding straight through all of my clothes so we called an ambulance to take me to the ER and prayed that would get me straight to a room. On new years eve morning I delivered my son. He was absolutely perfect and I still can't get over the fact that my body failed him. All of my tests came back normal and my OB can't explain why it happened. She believes my water broke but doesn't know why. All of the baby's tests were normal so there were no chromosomal problems. I am still waiting to get the placenta pathology report back.

It hasn't even been two weeks and the pain gets worse each day. Part of me wants to be pregnant again so badly but I am pretty sure that's just the emptiness speaking. I miss my baby and I want him back, I don't want another. Grieving is exhausting. Dealing with people is exhausting. I almost wish they gave you pamphlets to hand out to friends and family with things not to say and do. I've found comfort in very few places. I think this is one of them. Thank you for listening and letting me vent.

 

[Cloveredwards]

Amanda,

You've come to the right place for sure. I'm so so sorry to hear about what you have been through and what you are going through emotionally. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to not know why this has happened to you.

You're right about dealing with people being fairly exhausting. The worst thing is that people who have not been through a miscarriage truly DON'T understand how devastating it is. I was speaking to my husband last night as I was having a down day and I said to him that I can deal with the physical pain but the worst part is having no control whatsoever and being so responsible for a life that you desperately do everything in your power to protect and that joy of nourishing a life can be taken away so quickly and cruelly. Seeing your husbands face and the sadness, worry, disappointment and helplessness that they feel-it's heartbreaking.

All I can say is I understand how you feel. I'm sorry. And take each day at a time.There will be good days and there will be very bad days but I think it gets a bit easier.

Sorry for waffling. Big hugs x

 

[AmandaW525]

Clover your words are so kind. You nailed everything right on the head. Before this happened to me I never understood the gravity and pain that comes with a miscarriage so I get why some people have no idea what to say. Although I had one very very good friend of mine say some awful things. She actually told me "You didn't need a baby with problems" (she was assuming it was a chromosomal reason) & later said "At least you weren't 6 months along and it was an actual baby". It's hard to hear things like that. She didn't mean them as they sound and I didn't have the energy to tell her to shut up. That's why I came here.

 

[Cloveredwards]

How are you today?

You're right I was the same I always felt really sorry that someone was going through a mc but never understood how awful and painful it is. The comment that gets me is "at least you know you can get pregnant and you know it's all working" and yes I've also had "thank god you weren't further along". It really hurts but I guess people are just trying to make it better for you and in all honesty I think they'd rather say nothing.

I got married last year in June and I find that everywhere we go people say ' when are you going to have children' aaaaaaaah I just want to scream at them!

When are you expecting to get your pathology report back?

Please do message me any time you want to talk. I'm fairly new on here too and I haven't posted that much but I've really found that it helps to come and read other peoples stories and to talk to others who understand!

 

[AmandaW525]

I am still struggling with sleep so each day is tiring. My doctor gave me a prescription but I need a good weekend of sleep and hopefully I can start fresh next week.

My pathology report should be back any day as they said it usually takes two weeks and two weeks is today.

My husband and I will be married 3 years this May but we never had anyone ask us about kids. Having a second trimester loss has made everything public but in a way it has been helpful. So many people have reached out to us and I feel like my baby had so much love.

 

[Amigone]

Hi Amanda. I had a miscarriage on Dec 20. I was helped a lot by the fact that we did a cremation for our Casey, and that we did a little ritual oceanside after a long drive to the ocean. That said, the days aren't easy yet, and I anticipate it'll be a long time before they get easier. My kind doctor has me off on stress leave due to the kind of job I work at.

I'm glad you told your baby's story. It helps to talk about them, doesn't it? I am a hospice nurse, and I was told once that we die twice -- the first when our bodies die, and then again the last time someone says our name. I talk about my Casey a lot -- with my wife, and with the friends I have who aren't idiots, and who are willing to listen and let me share the journey we had with our little one.

I'm on meds to help sleep, and help wtih anxiety. One is supposed to do both, but it just lets me sleep. I found a counselor, and we are working together to get me functional again. On one hand, is me and my Casey, and on the other hand is the rest of my life. I need to learn how to integrate the two. To figure out how to convince myself that moving on isn't betrayal. That moving on means that I can live and tell others about my baby who died too soon, and maybe even try again one day (our journey was 6+years in the making).

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You're not alone. If you'd like someone to chat with, send me a PM and I'd be happy to add you to FB or email with you.

 

[jumpingo]

It hasn't even been two weeks and the pain gets worse each day. Part of me wants to be pregnant again so badly but I am pretty sure that's just the emptiness speaking. I miss my baby and I want him back, I don't want another. Grieving is exhausting. Dealing with people is exhausting. I almost wish they gave you pamphlets to hand out to friends and family with things not to say and do. I've found comfort in very few places. I think this is one of them. Thank you for listening and letting me vent.

i just really heard myself in this.

this place has been a lifesaver to me, so hope you stick around, even (especially?) when life is hard.

 

[shirlls]

I am so sorry for your loss .

You are so right about there needing to be pamphlets for those around you about what to say and what not to say as I could write a book at the things people said to me when I had my miscarriages. That is very insensitive what your friend said to you, people just don't have a clue what you are going through and open their mouth and let anything come out.

You will get through this and no words can really help you right now. But please know you are in many of our thoughts at this horrible time. Maybe it might help to do something in remembrance of your son. I planted a small tree i in the back garden as a memorial tree for each of my losses. something like that might provide even just a little bit of comfort?

Take care, thinking of you xxxx

 

[AmandaW525]

Hi Amanda. I had a miscarriage on Dec 20. I was helped a lot by the fact that we did a cremation for our Casey, and that we did a little ritual oceanside after a long drive to the ocean. That said, the days aren't easy yet, and I anticipate it'll be a long time before they get easier. My kind doctor has me off on stress leave due to the kind of job I work at.

I'm glad you told your baby's story. It helps to talk about them, doesn't it? I am a hospice nurse, and I was told once that we die twice -- the first when our bodies die, and then again the last time someone says our name. I talk about my Casey a lot -- with my wife, and with the friends I have who aren't idiots, and who are willing to listen and let me share the journey we had with our little one.

I'm on meds to help sleep, and help wtih anxiety. One is supposed to do both, but it just lets me sleep. I found a counselor, and we are working together to get me functional again. On one hand, is me and my Casey, and on the other hand is the rest of my life. I need to learn how to integrate the two. To figure out how to convince myself that moving on isn't betrayal. That moving on means that I can live and tell others about my baby who died too soon, and maybe even try again one day (our journey was 6+years in the making).

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You're not alone. If you'd like someone to chat with, send me a PM and I'd be happy to add you to FB or email with you.

I am so sorry you had to endure the pain of loosing your baby too. I agree that it helps to talk about it. I know everyone is different, but I feel like we're conditioned to keep miscarriages private and I really disagree. It is a personal experience, but by no means do I not want to share what has happened. I am glad to hear you are working through the grief and all that comes with it. I hope you find strength!

 

[AmandaW525]

i just really heard myself in this.

this place has been a lifesaver to me, so hope you stick around, even (especially?) when life is hard.

I too find it comforting to know we are not alone in our feelings and experience. I plan to stick around! Hugs to you

 

[AmandaW525]

Everyone has been so kind to me on this board and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. Our son was cremated and put in a garden at the cemetery. My husband and I plan to go visit this weekend. The sleeping isn't getting any better but I am hoping this weekend will help. I "slept" 12 hours last night but it wasn't a restful sleep. I did hear back from my OB today with my placenta pathology. They found a clot in the placenta but my last ultrasound (the day before the miscarriage) it was not there so she is not sure when it formed. There was no infection which she acted like was a good thing. She said it looks like it may have been a placental abruption. I go back on February 10th and she said at that time they will do more blood work and talk about referring me for a high risk consult. Does anyone know anything about abruptions? Sounds like I have myself an afternoon of internet research ahead of me.

 

[jumpingo]

Everyone has been so kind to me on this board and from the bottom of my heart I thank you. Our son was cremated and put in a garden at the cemetery. My husband and I plan to go visit this weekend. The sleeping isn't getting any better but I am hoping this weekend will help. I "slept" 12 hours last night but it wasn't a restful sleep. I did hear back from my OB today with my placenta pathology. They found a clot in the placenta but my last ultrasound (the day before the miscarriage) it was not there so she is not sure when it formed. There was no infection which she acted like was a good thing. She said it looks like it may have been a placental abruption. I go back on February 10th and she said at that time they will do more blood work and talk about referring me for a high risk consult. Does anyone know anything about abruptions? Sounds like I have myself an afternoon of internet research ahead of me.

sleep was hard for me for a couple weeks too...i felt like the lack of sleep just made life that much harder to deal with and wanted so badly for someone to just drug me to sleep.

that sounds beautiful that your son is in a garden. having a place to go visit him sounds therapeutic too.

i haven't heard anything about placenta abruptions. i did a quick google search and read the mayo clinic's page on it and it says it's when the placenta detaches from the uterus... i didn't get any testing done, so i have no idea why (and actually never wondered why it happened, i think i was, or am still, too heartbroken to care why) but i totally understand that for some people, knowing why makes it easier to process and grieve. i hope you get any answers you need.

anyway...how are you today?

 

[AmandaW525]

sleep was hard for me for a couple weeks too...i felt like the lack of sleep just made life that much harder to deal with and wanted so badly for someone to just drug me to sleep.

that sounds beautiful that your son is in a garden. having a place to go visit him sounds therapeutic too.

i haven't heard anything about placenta abruptions. i did a quick google search and read the mayo clinic's page on it and it says it's when the placenta detaches from the uterus... i didn't get any testing done, so i have no idea why (and actually never wondered why it happened, i think i was, or am still, too heartbroken to care why) but i totally understand that for some people, knowing why makes it easier to process and grieve. i hope you get any answers you need.

anyway...how are you today?

I spent a bit of time researching placental abruptions and I don't really like what I hear. First, the description of the symptoms seem spot on. The cramping was intense and never let up. Like one continuous contraction. I also was loosing a significant amount of blood. Enough so that I would bleed straight through my clothing in a matter of seconds. Second, It seems as though it is always referred to as happening after 20 weeks (I was only 14). Lastly, more than one website said studies show that you are at a higher risk of it happening again if you experienced one. That part sucks!

I will say my desire to understand the why in the beginning is much different now. I think I expected to find solace in answers but that couldn't be further from the truth. It doesn't matter why. I lost my baby and nothing can make that any easier to deal with. Every time they give me updates on my results it makes it hurt more. It makes it that much more real that my baby died for no reason at all.

My husband and I were talking last night and I told him how scared I was. I'm scared to considering getting pregnant again. Would I ever stop the worry? Would I be so worried that I couldn't love another baby as strongly as my first? Then the alternative is deciding not to try again and that scares me too. It scares me to consider not ever having a baby.

 

[Left wonderin]

Amanda firstly I am so sorry for your loss . Its such a hard time and one which until you have been there you really can't understand the depths of the loss and devastation . I am a little down the road in my journey from when I lost my baby . I was a little before you at 12 weeks 2 days , like you my first pregnancy . I was 40 and felt so blessed . Sadly on Christmas Eve 2012 our baby heart beat for the last time. I was distraught , couldn't sleep , couldn't eat . Used to look in the mirror and think I look normal but feel anything but . I got physically unwell ( my way of coping with grief) I think and cried all the time . I cried in the super market , when I saw pregnant people , when adds or tv with babies / pregnancies was on . I really didn't need a reason I cried for my baby . Going back to work was hard as everyone had known I was pregnant . Told them the day before mc . People's looks of sympathy or remarks of ah well you can try again got to me alot . I WAS SO ANGRY AND BITTER all the time .... Why me , why my baby and I felt so empty inside .

I can tell you that time is the ony thing that helps . Down the line you will notice that you smile for a brief moment , or didn't cry that day . Then the odd " good day creeps in ... And then you notice in time the good days out number the bad .

I was so scared to try again too ... But we did ... And 5 months later were blessed with a BFP . Being pg after a loss is scary , you don't ever stop worrying until they are safely here . I think mc robs us of that innocence , I never ever dreamed that I'd have a mc . Miscarraiges were something that happened other people not me ! I will never ever forget my LO , they are in my heart and head forever . They touched my life and changed it even with their brief presence . I am privledge s to have known them . The grief has become part of me , part of my story and journing through it gave my LO life meaning . It evidenced their importance to me . Every tear and sob . They were loved .

Please take the time to allow yourself to grieve , to miss them , grieve the future you had planned . Its so important and so justified . For those people who offer " helpful words " paint on a smile ... They are the lucky ones who are not in this club and cannot imagine the pain it brings . They simply do not know .

I wish you all the very very best with your journey towards your rainbow . And be certain of this if you do ttc again it will not make this LO any less important in your life xxxx