Lost our baby at 17 weeks after amino

[parky]

Very sad to be joining this forum as we lost our little bean this weekend at 17 weeks. We are totally devestated and finding it hard to come to terms with everything. We feel terribly guilty that we chose to have the amino after our quad test came back with a 1 in 15 chance of downs. It took us a long time to decide to have it in the first place as we knew we wouldnt do anything but keep the baby if it did have downs but just felt we needed to be prepared which ever the outcome. We researched all the risks etc and although we knew there was a risk of miscarriage we new it was extremely low so took the chance. I started to get contractions on Friday and after 2 trips to the hospital they finally took my pain seriously and admitted me. My contractions got stronger during the night and through Saturday and my water broke at lunch time - my contractions got worse until about 9 pm when they suddenly stopped. We were confused about what was going on and thought maybe there was a tiny chance baby would be ok. A doctor did a scan but couldn't really make out what he was seeing and couldn't find a heartbeat do they left me overnight and planned a proper scan for sun morning. On sun morning after little sleep I told the doctor the catheter was causing me discomfort when I tried to sit up. She said this was unlikely to be the catheter and decided to do an internal. This is when they realised the baby was stuck at the top of the vaginal passage and had been all night!!! ( this is the part I struggle to get out of my mind!) I delivered the baby after a few pushes then was taken to surgery. All the tests so far seem to indicate infection caused our loss which was probably due to the amino! Today we got the amino results and they showed no chromosomal problems. We are really struggling with the guilt and blame ourselves for what happened- how are we ever going to cope with knowing our loss is our fault? Would love to hear from anyone who has been through something similar and can offer some advice

 

[mhazzab]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I haven't been in exactly the same situation as you, I went into spontaneous premature labour and delivered my twins.

Feeling guilt is normal for any loss, and I know you will feel it more because of the decision you made. All I can say is, it's not certain the loss is because of the amnio test, the infection may have been about to happen anyway.
If it was caused by the test, you made the choice to have it, with the best of intentions, because it was the best thing for you to do as a family. It wasn't something you did at the drop of a hat, you put a lot of thought and research into it and you believed it was the right choice for you, you weren't to know you would be one of the tiny number who it went wrong for.
I know nothing that I can say will ease your guilt, but just know that we are all here for you, whether you want to cry or shout or ask for advice.

lots of love,
Mhairi xxx

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my Ava right before I did the Amnio, they did a sonogram first before the amnio and the sonogram revealed her heart was no longer beating. I would not blame yourself. I had a lower risk than you for DS and I still was going for the amnio. I know right now your feelings are the way they are but in time you must realize it was not your fault.

This time is difficult enough for you without you blaming yourself , try to be gentle with yourself, it was not your fault.
I am so deeply sorry this is happening, I am here if you ever need me..Andrea

 

[Hellylou]

I am so sorry for your loss, how awful.

I know nothing will ease those feelings that it may have been due to the amnio and therefore avoidable, but there is no way of knowing for sure. I lost my little boy due to my waters breaking early and infection at 16 weeks, and I had no amnio or anything that would have caused it. Sometimes these things just happen spontaneously and it could just be a terrible coincidence. I still torture myself, thinking maybe I did something too energetic, or maybe it was a scan I had at 13 weeks where I had slight bleeding afterwards. I have no idea, but ultimately I have to stop blaming myself, and I know eventually I will find some level of acceptance that this was just a terrible uncontrollable event and nobody's fault. Easier said than done, I know, but this wasn't your fault.

This is such a difficult thing to be going through and we are all here to listen whenever you need to talk, because we know the pain you are feeling right now. There are some truly wonderful people in this section of the forum who have been my lifeline through these dark months since my loss.

Big hugs

 

[winterwonder]

I'm sorry for your loss. I know its difficult but try not to blame yourselves, you did what you thought was right for the situation you were in and you've come to the best place for support s all the ladies here are lovely. xxx

 

[daopdesign]

Hi, I'm sorry I can't offer any of my experineces with this as I've never done an amnio but I can imagine how awful you must be feeling. You cannot blame yourself and you made the right decision to prepare you both for what could have been a very big challenge ahead.

Again, another example of hospital care acting when it's just too late. I'm really sorry for your loss xxx

 

[KamIAm]

Hi Sweetie and (unfortunately) Welcome...

You have found the perfect place to fall ... We will be here for you

I am terribly sorry you have been thrown into this nightmare but just know you are never alone ... I lost my daughter almost 9 months ago ... I started having contractions at 19 weeks, was admitted and monitored, had lots of scans done, she was perfect but they was trying to figure out why I was having contractions, there was no good answer they liked so they told me that I NEEDED to have an amnio done because I HAD to have had an infection and I needed that done to confirm.. I was given the talk about the risks but I was made to believe I had no choice and that this was what was expected... I had the amnio done sent back up to my room under observation when about 8 hours later my water suddenly broke, I wasn't having any contractions it just gushed! My Emma was born 6 hours later, born sleeping, she didn't have a chance .. Too tiny, weight 8.7 ounces and was 6 inches long ...

A few weeks later, I got the results of the amnio... NO infection... Nothing! I was just going into premature labor because my cervix is crap.. Weak, We now know I have IC, Incompetent Cervix.. aka Crappy Cervix..... Something VERY treatable...

So the Amnio wasn't NEEDED in my situation either... I still feel that test destroyed my hopes and dreams... My labor had stopped on it's own and then I had that amnio done and ended it all ....

I am SOOO sorry for dumping all this but I just wanted to you know ...YOU ARE NOT ALONE

XOXO ~ Kelly

 

[parky]

thank you all for your messages - as i am sure you all know, your words mean so much to us and although each message has set me off in floods of tears it is so helpful to know we are not alone with the way we feel. i am so sorry for all of your losses and hope i can be as brave and strong as you all are.

 

[mhazzab]

thank you all for your messages - as i am sure you all know, your words mean so much to us and although each message has set me off in floods of tears it is so helpful to know we are not alone with the way we feel. i am so sorry for all of your losses and hope i can be as brave and strong as you all are.

you will never be alone in here .
The first days and weeks are unbearable and heartbreaking, and you will never ever get over this, but I promise you that it does start to get a little easier over time. always here for you xxx

 

[OliveBay]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Please be kind and gentle to yourself and please do not lay any blame on yourselves, this was not your fault.

 

[yazoo]

I am so sorry for your loss. Please don't blame yourself. Always here if you need to chat. xxx

 

[amotherslove]

i am so sorry.. what a terrible thing.. it is not your fault.. doctors so downplay the risks involved in amniocentesis. i hope that the coming months are kind to you while you struggle to cope with your loss..

 

[ashley2pink]

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. Please don't blame yourself. It's in no way your fault.

 

[babylou]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I had failed CVS and then Amnio as we had a 1 in 80 of Downs. We lost Samuel a week after the Amnio, and have been advised that either CVS or Amnio was likely to have been the cause. However, they can't rule out a natural loss. The Amnio results came back clear, no downs.....

I know exactly how you are feeling at the moment, empty, crappy and generally not too good.

Both you and your OH need to look after each other and support each other through this terrible time. I know that's how we got through it. Our 7 year old DD was also a great help to us at this time. Do you have other children?

Please take care, and, believe me, it does actually get a little better with time.

Thinking of you.

love and hugs

please PM if you need to chat xx

 

[jennijunni]

I am so, so sorry. Please dont blame yourself, even though it is a common reaction. Be easy on yourself. I am so sorry you have to go through it. We are all here for you and will be here to listen. I too lost a baby boy at 17 weeks. I am thinking of you, and keeping you and your husband in my prayers. Hugs.

 

[kiki04]

I lost my baby at 16 weeks and 6 days and I too blamed myself. Afterall, babies dont just die for no reason right? Wrong I found every single thing I could to blame myself... it was this, it was that etc etc etc but when it comes down to the real truth, it could have been me, it could not have been me and I could no longer torture myself, which was preventing me from healing over something that was a "could be". You will never know the real cause so please dont make the automatic assumption (that so many of us have done) that is was you This is already hard enough on you so please dont make it even harder, by adding insult to injury I know you want to find someone SOMETHING to blame... but blaming wont bring your baby back, nor will it heal the pain My heart hurts for you so bad that you are carrying that burden of guilt, but I promise you one day, it WILL go away, it WILL get better and you will smile when you think of your sweet angel who is with you everywhere you go. How many people can say they have their very own angel? You have one of the best kinds too

I really hope the coming weeks are gentle on you and you find away to let go of that guilt.... its honestly something you have to do in order to heal properly... and I say this as we have all been in your shoes and know just where you are coming from

 

[emk10]

Sorry you are going through this nightmare.

Just wanted to send x

 

[parky]

thanks again everyone - your messages really do help. i am finding things harder at night time for some reason - the minute i get in bed i cant shake the feeling of sadness and whereas during the day i seem to be able to push the thoughts away by keeping busy, i cant stop replaying everything once i am in bed. every morning it feels like it hits me a fresh!!

i am so lucky that we already have a gorgeous boy (2 and1/2) and having him really helps although sometimes is a painful reminder of what we have lost and what our baby would have become.

i am also finding it hard not knowing the gender of our baby. the doctors said it was too early to tell and we will have to wait for the postmortem but i want to name the baby so badly and it doesnt feel like he/she has a proper identity until we know this. last night my lovely hubby bought home a porcelaine feather christmas tree decoration and suggested we write the babies name on the back and bring it out every year when we decorate the tree as a reminder of our little bean. that set me off again but is such a lovely thought. did anyone else have to wait to find out the gender of their baby?

thanks again everyone - am so glad i found you all

 

[Bride2b]

Hi Parky, I read your post yesterday and just couldnt find the words to say to another mother who has had to join us here, especially at this time of year. I love logging onto here as everyone here is so supportive & I dont think I would be in the same place as I am in now without everyone. But at the same time feel such sadness to learn that another family have had to suffer something dreadful. All I can say is guilt seems to be a very common feeling - I felt huge amounts of guilt & often hear myself saying 'if I had this..' 'If I hadnt gone to work that day...' I dont know what caused my loss & have to wait a few more weeks to find out. It might be the amnio that caused it, but you went through with that with good intentions, but again it might not have been the cause.
I am sure things will get easier once you know if your little angel has pink or blue wings, and you can give him/her a lovely name. Its very hard to try and grieve without an identity. I promise you things get easier, I lost my baby almost 4 weeks ago (we have the funeral tomorrow) and yesterday was the first time I managed to not shed a tear all day. I'm not sure how many of those days I will have in the near future but it gives me a sign that I dont always have to feel utter sadness when I think of him. There is not a second that goes by where I dont think of him. I think its about finding a way of making peace with knowing that you created a little life & that no matter what you will love him/her forever. And doing something that makes it easier for you.
I have made up a beautiful sparkly photo frame with his little hand and foot prints and scan picture in. I look at it and it reminds me how much I love him & that he is special, but I dont feel sad as its something I have done in his memory.
The Christmas decoration is a lovely idea. Its these little things that do help you find peace.
I hope you dont have to wait too long until you get answers to your questions & before you can give your little one a name. In the mean time I'm going to give you a and say I hope you find this part of the forum of use as you can guarantee someone else on here has felt/is feeling the way you are.
xx

 

[v2007]

Oh Parky, i am so sorry.

V xxxx