LTTC is not fair!!

[StorkStalker]

Hi ladies.. I just need to cry... Cry and cry and cry... I hate to be LTTC... I hate that we all are... Here I´ve met some of the most amazing strong women I have ever met... and we deserve our joy!!
I am at the point of losing my mind... It has been a long long road and it doesn´t seem to have an end in sight... Each month I "see" lines on HPT, DH says they are not there and sure enough AF comes.. I know they aren´t really there since I have to put my HPT against direct light, I have even gone to the point of microwaving tests to see if lines can be enhanced through heat, I test from DPO 8 to AF... I can´t take it and I can´t quit.. All I think about is TTC, all I can seem to bring to conversation with DH is TTC, although I promise my self I wont and I know I´m doing wrong... I snapped at my mom yesterday (she lives far away) on the phone when she told me I sounded sad, I answered I am sad each minute of each hour of each day that I am not pregnant.. I try to carry on with my life, and enjoy it.. but I´m faking it... I try to think of the joys of sleeping late on weekends, having peace and quiet at home after a long day.. blah.. not feeling it... I just want my baby.. I used to want 4 kids... now I am asking for one... it´s not much to ask for!! This is making me sad and bitter and it´s giving me gray hairs and wrinkles, and I am a whole different person now than when I was blissfully unaware that this would happen... I read or hear news about people who abandon their kids and I think, ok, so God thought it was a good idea to send them a baby but not me... How come? .. I am angry... Angry at fertile myrtles, angry at myself, angry at (and I am sorry and I feel guilty at the same time) God, angry at Doctors, angry at whiny moms on fb, angry at malls and magazines for throwing beautiful baby pics at my face!!!
I am sorry... It´s just too much and I can´t take it... No one else understands, no one else gets it... I had a friend with whom I began TTC together with, and for the 1st year we where nagging about not being pregnant together, and then she got pregnant around 1yr and 1/2 and I was happy for her (I still am) and she went on to have a beautiful baby girl.. and then another one... and now the 2nd one is turning one already... I measure my LTTC time in people´s babies´ ages... I am going bananas... And I think how old my baby would be had he/she made it... he/she would be 2 years and a month... And hubby thinks it´s insane to do that... and I know it is.. but I can´t help it.. I´m insane now... This is me now... Oh and it was my birthday and I cried all day... I tested to maybe please let it be a happy birthday to me... but nope.. and christmas is around the corner and it got me thinking that if I don´t get pregnant by March I am facing another babyless christmas next year... Dear Lord.. I am sorry, I am sorry for burdening you all with this rant.. I am so very sorry...

 

[Damita]

 

[wannabemummyb]

Huni, i am really sorry you are feeling so down! Hopefully, getting it out there helped a little! I have not been trying as long as you but at two years, i have days where i feel exactly the same as you.

 

[BRK06]

You couldn't have come to a better place to vent Hun! I'm guilty of feeling a lot of the things you are as well... LTTTC just sucks! Keep strong in your faith! I refuse to believe that the good ladies on here will be denied the most fervent desire of their hearts!!

Lots of to us all!!

 

[zanDark]

awww sweetie you sound so upset I know how hard it is comparing how long you've been TTC to people's babies...it's heartbreaking!

I know it's hard...but it will happen for all of us we just have to keep believing and hoping for the best!

 

[Tiffany231]

Bless Your Heart!! I know exactly how you feel and you are not alone. If it wasn't for my faith, I probably would have lost my mind a long time ago. I know it seems completely unfair that everyone else around us gets pregnant and you can't help but think...why not me?? What's wrong with me?? A lot of people in this world should not even be having kids! I have had a pretty rough week myself and it seems my emotions are like a roller coaster throughout the day. One minute I'm hopeful, and the next minute I'm crying in despair. It is a really rough experience and most people cannot understand. I have POAS hundreds of times...I've cried...I've prayed...I've begged...I've pleaded...I've made deals with God...I've been angry...hurt..disappointed...and been downright pitiful and I promise you..he hears!

Just know that God has a plan for you. We are going through this journey for a reason. I have reached the point where I have let go and given it to God. He knows the desire of our heart. We all have a cross to bear in this world and this is mine. Each time I see a BFN or feel down I ask God to take it from me and give me the strength to persevere and trust in Him. He has a plan and his plan is much better than mine....I just hope it has children in it....and I know in my heart it does. So be patient.....your time will come...just trust!

 

[StorkStalker]

Thank you all!! Damita, thankyou for your hugs they were received like water on the desert on a very needed time this afternoon... Wannabemummyb thankyou, getting this out there did help because I was feeling alone and suffocated and on the verge of melting down, I am so thankful for this place, and for the amazing women here who give love and support when we need it the most... I wish I can sometime pay it forward with someone in need as I was today... BRK06 Thank you too for your support and for reading and for your hugs, I really needed them, I was about to go insane (more than the usual)... zanDark, thank you so much for being there, I also know somewhere inside that however long this journey may be for some of us, it will eventually happen and we will succeed and go on to be overjoyed mommies.. I must hang on to that feeling but sometimes it is just to hard.. Tiffany231 Thank you too for your kind and reassuring words and thoughts.. I know this all has a reason to be, this is the path I am supposed to travel, and I try hard to hang on to my faith and trust... but sometimes like today I just wish I was already on the other side, looking back and thinking: Yes, it was all worth it.. I know it will happen someday, for all of us.. It is just not fair, and I know life isn´t fair... It´s just that today the darn witch came one more time and it just took away all what was left of my strenght will all the holidays in sight and everything...
Anyways, I am so grateful to have posted, and to have received your thoughts and support and hugs, I really did feel warmth in my hearth, and lighter on the soul after reading kind words from exceptional strong women... Thank you with all my heart... And my thoughts and prayers to all of you that we may all have a 2012 baby and that this road leads to a very happy happy ending.. A lot wiser, a lot stronger and a lot blessed...

Thank you again to all of you... xxxxxx

 

[ami1985]

hugs sweetie xxxx

 

[Armywife84]

That's what LTTC section of BNB is for, and thankfully we're all here to support each other...since majority of us lack physical support in our daily lives.

I also think that as LTTC gets harder and even more unfair that we get stronger.

 

[wannabemummyb]

That's what LTTC section of BNB is for, and thankfully we're all here to support each other...since majority of us lack physical support in our daily lives.

I also think that as LTTC gets harder and even more unfair that we get stronger.

I agree with armywife! I was so grateful for finding the ltttc section, i was getting increasingly frustrated and dispondent being over in ttc!

With regards to paying it forward, i am absolutely certain that one of us on this section, indeed one of us on this thread will have a wobble at sometime in the future ( unless we all get our bfps this month) so you will definately be able to reciprocate. You will be able to pay it forward on any other thread in this section.

We stick together

 

[StorkStalker]

Thank you with all my heart Armywife84, it does get harder and harder, one would think you get used to the disappointment, but it´s impossible id the desire and hope lay there month after month... Thank you so much for understanding my rant.. I just think this is too much and has been going on for so long...
ami1985 Thankyou!! xxx
Wannabemommyb thank you dearly... I am so fortunate to have found BnB LTTC... Although I wish this section of the forum didn´t need to exist..
Anyways.. I hope we all have good news in the very close future.. Thank you really because I was going completely insane yesteray, more that what is now normal...