LTTTC remember the first cycle?

[Natsby]

For those of us who have been on this road for a while it can seem like it is all stress and struggle and trying to persuade a tired OH that yes, now is the moment, and no it won´t wait until he is in the mood!!
But my theory this cycle is that the way I felt the first cycle trying was a happier and healthier way of thinking about TTc and i´m trying to mentally get back there.
My first cycle I got a BFP at the end of that very first month. Sadly I didn´t go full term, but still I was doing something right. SO I´m trying to feel that excited by the possibility of it working, thankful that OH has agreed we can try, thankful he is with me at all. It isn´t easy, I can´t forget the mcs or the months of BFNs, or any of the last two years, but I can sort of remember the excitement and try to concentrate on that. It may not work but i feel happier and less stressed so we shall see.
And you ladies, how long is it since you felt excited about TTC? Are you like me, has it become an almighty chore that sucks? who will join me and try to enjoy it again?

 

[Natsby]

or not lol.
(if not I´m off to the thread of negativity again.)

 

[dachsundmom]

Nats...what do you have in mind?

 

[Natsby]

my first thought was imagine I know nothing about ttc and just hump like bunnies... but OH isn´t even awake let alone up to pretending anything.
I just want to try to feel excited about it all again, I envy the gals on ttc who talk about what cot they will buy and what colour they will paint the babies room, I can´t quite manage that, but I have been trying to remember that this will (one day) lead to a baby and feel excited. Somewhere along the line I forgot that and just started to hate TTC.
I know you have been trying for a long time, do you ever feel excited about it? What will you do when you get your BFP, (when, not if!) do you care what sex it is? Can we allow ourselves a little fantasy without feeling too disappointed if this isn´t the cycle?

 

[dachsundmom]

Honestly, Nats...I think excitement and hopeful are too much of a stretch for me; I get a little PMA when AF starts, like today, and I start thinking about the next cycle.

At about CD8, I will get nervous about OV and then by 7-8DPO, I will be on edge again, in the BFP search.

I mentioned earlier in the week, I love sex, I hate having to have sex. I have tried NTNP, but I don't think I can go back there...I know too much now, lol.

Idc about gender at all.

I have to think "what if," so I can look at all of the nursery themes and see what I like, but I cannot imagine them in my own house...if that makes any sense at all.

I do have to force the PMA a lot lately...

 

[sarahincanada]

Nats I know EXACTLY what you are saying!

I spent my first 3 cycles convinced I was pregnant each month, as had loads of never had before symptoms. Each month was a BFN and I soon learned not to symptom spot and was much happier. I did have an excitement that each month we had an opportunity to get pregnant.

So now a year on Ive been quite good with the pma every month....Ive tried to not get too hopeful so the blow at the end of the month itsnt too bad. each month Ive felt sad on CD1 but quickly picked myself up and got into a new cycle.

then last month happened, the only month Ive ever been late, and I was crushed when AF came as I had allowed myself to think we might have finally done it. so Ive finally hit my wall and fed up. However I have been researching IVF and LL's success has given me a little pick me up thinking thats an option and trying to find the money to do in Nov. So those thoughts are keeping me going and almost make me not care about the next few months.

I dont know if I can get back to that exciting feeling.....I dont want to be hopeful only to get crushed you know? I think i prefer to try and forget about TTCing in the 2WW and deal with whatever happens at the end. Easier said than done, Im 1dpo and wondering how I will get through these next 2 weeks. Seeing as I spend my first 2 weeks of the cycle on a schedule at the clinic Im going to try and forget these next 2 weeks. Im trying to tell myself I have done all that I can, its now up to nature. and I will restrain myself from googling 'bfp iui with 1 follicle' lol.

its a bit different when you are doing treatments compared to just BDing, as you are forced to follow a schedule. but hubby has been great and does what he is told!!

I used to get excited imagining preparing the babies room but Im at that stage I cant even imagine it happening.

nats I hope you can get back into the carefree TTCing stage.....i dont know if its possible but its certainly a nice thought

 

[arlosmama]

oh yes...definitely a chore...I have forgotten what it is like to have spontaneous sex. We are having more sex than ever...but it is never as fun as it used to be these days...I keep telling my hubby that it is for a good cause! Maybe tonight I will mix some cocktails and try and alter the mundane mood...it is like a second job these days. Rushing home from work to DTD before I have to pick up my son...good times good times..

 

[Sus09]

I think that we (or I) get really stressed about TTC. In the sense that we want it so much, we try hard and then BFN... It is a dissappointment, and then we read more, we try more, we buy more things, suplements, and altogether we know more. And that only makes me really stressed and a little obsessed about the fact that I want that BFP. I force sex on my OH, and even worse on myselfe!!

What I have decidedis to try to chill a bit, be a bit more relaxed about my approach. I have no clue how I am going to do that as I am still temping to take my charts to the doctor. But I will find a way. As a start, I am going on holiday soon and I am just planning to enjoy that, thinking of this new cycle as a break.

I want to go back to NTNP, however with that approach I will retire before I get PG as I am a bit of a workaholic and I am too tired and my OH is too tired to have sex often enough to have the chance to catch the egg. But Like Dmom says at the moment I am hating having to have sex, and I am stressing my OH about it as well.

How could we stop thinking and start enjoying the TTC journey again. I remember when we decided to start and It all felt so exciting!! At the moment for me it feels depressing because it all feels forced, a chore... Difficult one but hey! others manage!!

 

[Natsby]

I know in my heart you are all right, it is a bit like wishing your virginity back, you can never go back to just holding hands Once you know how reality is for you it isn´t possible to ignore it. But I think I have found a bit better balance of not seeing it all as negative, as i said before I kind of forgot there was a baby at the end of it all I was so caught up in the just getting pregnant.
I won´t ever have a carefree pregnancy, after 2x mc that isn´t an option, I am high risk and right now i can´t even get that far, but i don´t want it to feel so desperate trying, it isn´t good for me or OH. So yes I understand only too well when positive is a stretch, but maybe we all need a little blind faith that we will one day hold our LOs in our arms and all this will fade into a bad memory. I hope so so much that you girls make it through this and get your sticky beans!! I want to enjoy the day when we are all on third tri forum complaining about piles and stretch marks. I have everything crossed for you lot, I want to see your announcements of BFP soon, I feel so disappointed when there is a new BFP and it is someone I don´t know. Good luck ladies

 

[dachsundmom]

Back at you Nats!!

 

[crystal443]

Honestly, Nats...I think excitement and hopeful are too much of a stretch for me; I get a little PMA when AF starts, like today, and I start thinking about the next cycle.

At about CD8, I will get nervous about OV and then by 7-8DPO, I will be on edge again, in the BFP search.

I mentioned earlier in the week, I love sex, I hate having to have sex. I have tried NTNP, but I don't think I can go back there...I know too much now, lol.

Idc about gender at all.

I have to think "what if," so I can look at all of the nursery themes and see what I like, but I cannot imagine them in my own house...if that makes any sense at all.

I do have to force the PMA a lot lately...

Dmom you nailed it right on the head for how I feel about TTC I just cannot imagine another baby in our house. Pink or blue I just can't imagine it anymore

 

[Indigo77]

I guess I have not been at it long enough? When does it happen? I can't stop looking at nurseries online....

 

[crystal443]

Indigo your still in for a great shot with TTC I don't know when I lost all my hope..it happens gradually I guess Now I avoid the baby section of stores, I honestly couldn't tell you what is out there for baby stuff Even IVF, DH is really pressing me to do this, I'm trying to be excited for him and I do want a baby but I just cannot imagine it would work. I think for me its the unexplained part..everything works great so why won't it happen?? If I had a reason why I would feel like something could help if you know what I mean? Don't lose your hope yet, for us 35+ it can a year or more. I know easier said then done

 

[Indigo77]

I know what you mean....I think the 'unexplained' diagnosis would send me over the edge...I mean, there MUST be an explanation, right? They should call it 'my dumb ass doc can't figure it out', instead. I am excited about your IVF journey, even if you are not!

 

[crystal443]

Thanks Indigo, the worst thing they could have said to me was unexplained,lol I need an answer to everything. I will get excited about this, DH did a whole woo hoo when I said I got AF so it'll rub off. I just need to snap myself out of it, or slap myself out maybe

 

[Indigo77]

Yes....it's manifest-time!

 

[crystal443]

Yep manifest, manifest, manifest!!!

 

[dachsundmom]

Indigo, I can look at all of the stuff...but, I cannot 'see' it in my house. It's not like I just decided one day to stop having PMA, it just dwindles a little more each cycle.

 

[sarahincanada]

Thanks Indigo, the worst thing they could have said to me was unexplained,lol I need an answer to everything

I AGREE! this is the first time in my life that Ive worked so hard for something and not had any results at the end

I want to enjoy the day when we are all on third tri forum complaining about piles and stretch marks. I have everything crossed for you lot, I want to see your announcements of BFP soon, I feel so disappointed when there is a new BFP and it is someone I don´t know. Good luck ladies

I feel the same, I cant wait for some of the regulars on here to get a bfp as it would really lift my spirits. LL's has made me very happy (just waiting for the blood test results tomorrow to really celebrate!). Sometimes I like to imagine us all starting 2012 pregnant also I notice that most people when they get a bfp we dont see them in this section anymore, where I like to think I would stick around and chat until everyone gets theirs. Do you think its because they think we dont want them, like they have something we want and feel awkward?

crystal Im very excited for you and its good that you are going into it thinking it may take a couple of trys, I am going to think the same way.

Talking about baby stuff I went into my first baby store a couple of months ago, but I felt a bit awkward, like I didnt want the sales person to come up and ask me if I was pregnant (they probably wouldnt but you know what I mean) and I felt like a bit of a fraud looking at things I wish I could feel excited, like you say nats thats how we are supposed to be feeling. I also dont think I would start on the babies room till I am 6 months pregnant, too worried and superstitious!

 

[readyformore]

My friend just started ttc.
When she told me, it brought back some memories and feelings. She was very excited and talked nonstop about blah, blah, blah.
At first, I was remembering that I felt the same way.

Then, I felt very very foolish that I had actually sounded like her. I was very naive.

I hope you can bring the joy back Natsby.
My ttc experience is coming to an end, but I hope that at some point, my DH and I can forget that we ever had to have sex for ttc. It will be nice to skip sex even when I'm fertile and just go to sleep because I'm tired. It will be nice to have sex 5 times one day and know that there will be 0 sperm left for when I ovulate the next day.
I'm looking forward too it actually.