Magical age of 20 (rant)

[snugglemuffin]

What happens on the day you turn 20 that makes you a more suitable parent than the day before? Do you remember that moment of clarity when all parenting knowledge burst into your head, you became infinitely more capable? What experience do you gain that day that will teach you how to be responsible and make decisions that will effect both you and a child for the rest of your lives?

Answer: Nothing. Nothing happened, there was no moment of clarity no epiphany and no genetic memory kicked in. So why is there such a line in peoples minds? 19 and your a teen mum and have to deal with all the stigma that goes with it but soon as you hit 20 its ok and your *allowed* to be happy about it rather than be ashamed??

i always read the teen parents part of this forum and always feel i should say something to help when ppl have been treat badly for being under 20 and having a baby. I have noticed this time around for me, the language people use with me is different. This time instead of HAVING to get up all the time and change nappies, make bottles, spend all of our money. This time around i GET TO stay up all night, change nappies and make bottles and spend all of our money. Sorry but im still not looking forward to those bits, hitting 20 didn't make me more able to deal with lack of sleep or the smell of poo first thing in the morning! I am now not seen as idiotic, ignorant or clueless for looking forward to the birth of my baby and all because im over that magical age.

Everyone who has decided to go ahead with there pregnancy or even decided to start TTC'ing have made decisions that can make women and men of all ages break down. You all also know the stigma and taboo that goes with that decision. People above the age of 20 can be bad parents, irresponsible and neglectful. Anyone who tries to tell you you can't do it or your incapable ask them what happened to them on the day they turned 20.

 

[anita665]

I agree with that. You're seen as an adult for everything else at 18. I think it really depends on the individual.

I got pregnant at 18 and that was far too young for me (even though at the time I felt grown up, just not ready for a baby). Even 20 would have been too young for me but I'm almost 23 and finally feel ready. I've spent enough of my time acting crazy, going out partying,having fun and living for just myself. Now I feel ready to settle down with my Fiance and have a baby.

I'm sure that there are people who feel ready for that younger than myself and do a great job just as others don't feel ready till their late 20's/30's. I also have a lot of respect for teens who find themselves in that situation without planning it and do the best they can too.

I just think it's hard to know where to draw the line. Like I said I FELT really grown up at 18. Probably even at 15 or 16 but looking back I wasn't. Then again some people really are and how do you know?!

My cousin got pregnant at 17 and now has 4 kids by different fathers. I don't think thats very responsible, nore is my step sister who had her first at 16 and now has 4 all taken by social services.

Can you say it's ok for a 13 or 14 year old to be TTC or a 17 year old who surely would be better off in education. Personally I don't think so. So what age is ok?

I think the most important thing is being in the right situation. Finishing education and having a job and a home of your own rather than still living with your parents before TTC. Waiting till you've done all this is probably the most mature thing you can do. Also being of an age where your body is no longer still growing. If you're only 16 or 17 for example, whats the rush. You have years ahead of you to have a baby and might as well make sure you can give it the best start you can manage.

Thats just my feelings on it anyway.

 

[mummyoffive]

Although i was a teen mum myself, i don not think it is an ideal situation to be in. I was 16 when I had my 1st and I am currently 26; i now have 5 children, planned and i am still with my partner. it is not neccessarily any easier when you are older, however, you do have more life experience(normally). No one situation is the same and each person is individual, however there is an increasing amount of teenage pregnancies in the Uk, why is this? My project is intended to show that teen mums are just as capable as any other age and to show the experiences of mums in this age group, and their feelings to the way they have been cared for (good or bad). The project is also not meant to cause personal offence and should be viewed as research. Research takes place for a number of reasons including identifying problems and solving them. I am interested in IMPROVING the care offered to parents of younger age groups. I agree that NOTHING happens when you turn 20 and it is the same in some circumstances as when they are younger, however it is not in others. people are individuals and they grow at different paces, some cope better than others. I am assumin that you have posted this due to the questions for my project? It is not meant to cause offence, simply find out some info to see if peoples attitudes towards teenage parents change with age and also if services provided are adequate, if not, how can they be improved? good luck in your pregnancy .xx

 

[snugglemuffin]

I do agree with both. It's when people find them selves in that situation and have made their choice. No amount of snide comments or being made to feel ashamed is going to make anyone change their mind. I just think its sad that when you have made your decision to go ahead wether you meant to or not so many people just make it harder. I wish i had done things differently to be honest but looking back after the experience of being pregnant now i cant believe how badly i was treated. I'm taken a back when people tell me how excited they are and how excited i should be.

I think the project is great! It was just reading this part of the forum and how many threads there are with ppl just being made to feel crappy for no purpose

No offense here It has been such an eye opener being over 20 and preggers. Im still very young but the attitudes of people could not be more opposit. I know the transition to becoming a parent would have been much easier if i was treat this well with my first at 17. I understand warning and scare tactics before your preggers, but when you are and you have made your choice then is the time for support i think. As no amount of other opinions will make a difference and if someone treats you cruelly what difference does it make apart from scare or bring that person down. Tis just counter productive after the fact or after the decision has been made

Just ranting

 

[mummyoffive]

i agree snugglemuffin totally,

Having had a similar experience to people bein rude etc has stimulated me to carry out this research as I wanted to see if it was still happening, how to improve etc.. Other than that i want to give the best care to women i possibly can- who better to guide than women themselves!!! No worries - i jus thought i had offended you by the questions- glad i didn t as i put alot time to try make them as sensitive as poss!!! enjoy ur pregnancy and good luck.

 

[Always&4ever]

I wanted a baby from the age of 16 but didn't want to be classed as a teenager who wants a baby to get a council house and get given things from the government, not all teens are after that, fair enough there is a few out there who will but why should all teens be penalised because of those? I am now 24 and having my first, we get no help from the social and have brought our own property, I'm also happily married to the dad. I noticed alot of the older generation would look at me and assume I'm alot younger then I am which would annoy me. But on the other hand I don't think its right a 13-14year old ttc as realistically they ain't old enough to have sex anyway but I would never judge a teen mum as they are the same as us older mums/mums to be, and the majority of them are with the father and are capable of providing for their children.

 

[anita665]

I wanted a baby from the age of 16 but didn't want to be classed as a teenager who wants a baby to get a council house and get given things from the government, not all teens are after that, fair enough there is a few out there who will but why should all teens be penalised because of those? I am now 24 and having my first, we get no help from the social and have brought our own property, I'm also happily married to the dad. I noticed alot of the older generation would look at me and assume I'm alot younger then I am which would annoy me. But on the other hand I don't think its right a 13-14year old ttc as realistically they ain't old enough to have sex anyway but I would never judge a teen mum as they are the same as us older mums/mums to be, and the majority of them are with the father and are capable of providing for their children.

I agree with all of your post except the last bit. I don't think someone of 13 or 14 is capable of providing for their child as they can't even legally live on their own or get a job to help pay for the baby. They have to rely on their parents and state benefits.

I don't think it's bad either that people may claim benefits or live in council houses because anyone can find themselves in that position with or without kids if something goes wrong in their lives but I don't like it when people see it as the easy option and don't try to get out of that situation.

Like I said before I really respect people who have kids young and make it work. I think they can make great parents, just the same as anyone else.

I reckon more needs to be done to discourage teen pregnancy but it needs to be done in a way that won't result in teens who do get pregnant being looked down on or judged. I think a lot of it has to do with going through that stage where you suddenly feel grown up, no longer a kid and your hormones are going a bit crazy. Most people seem to go through a stage of getting broody in their teens but how do you make people see that waiting is often a better idea when their bodies are telling them to go ahead.

 

[Always&4ever]

I agree with all of your post except the last bit. I don't think someone of 13 or 14 is capable of providing for their child as they can't even legally live on their own or get a job to help pay for the baby. They have to rely on their parents and state benefits.

I don't think it's bad either that people may claim benefits or live in council houses because anyone can find themselves in that position with or without kids if something goes wrong in their lives but I don't like it when people see it as the easy option and don't try to get out of that situation.

Like I said before I really respect people who have kids young and make it work. I think they can make great parents, just the same as anyone else.

I reckon more needs to be done to discourage teen pregnancy but it needs to be done in a way that won't result in teens who do get pregnant being looked down on or judged. I think a lot of it has to do with going through that stage where you suddenly feel grown up, no longer a kid and your hormones are going a bit crazy. Most people seem to go through a stage of getting broody in their teens but how do you make people see that waiting is often a better idea when their bodies are telling them to go ahead.

Oh honey, I didn't mean 13-14 year old teen mums being capable of providing, I meant more 18 year olds, I would never encourage a 13 year old to have a baby as they would like you said have to relie on the state benefits and parental support, what I was trying to say was that a teenager of 18 etc would be financially more capable then a younger teen, then again you do get some teens 17-19 who can provide more then an older women, I don't fully agree with teen pregnancy but I would never judge someone for becoming pregnant.

 

[anita665]

Oh honey, I didn't mean 13-14 year old teen mums being capable of providing, I meant more 18 year olds, I would never encourage a 13 year old to have a baby as they would like you said have to relie on the state benefits and parental support, what I was trying to say was that a teenager of 18 etc would be financially more capable then a younger teen, then again you do get some teens 17-19 who can provide more then an older women, I don't fully agree with teen pregnancy but I would never judge someone for becoming pregnant.

Oh right.... well then I agree with that too!!!!

 

[snugglemuffin]

13 you can't legally have sex so i was thinking more 16+ It does happen though and i think they should be helped to become independent and again not made to feel like its impossible. but TTC'ing at that age would be worrying as the male involved would be commiting rape basically.

 

[mummyoffive]

I agree with you all, definately the bit bout younger teens needing more reassurance and support to realise that its not all downwards spiral from here on !!! Some encouragement can work wonders.

 

[Sarah88]

I found out I was pregnant only a few days after I turned 20. I don't remember the big burst of knowledge I got on that day, but I do agree that people in this day and age are getting biased towards teen mums. Especially when you go back 20 odd years people were barefoot and pregnant with they're 3rd or even more child when they were 20's. When did everything get turned around so much?
On that same note, why do people automatically think that your wasting your life by having a child? I don't intend to sit around and be a house-wife after the birth of my child. I'm going to pursue my dreams, because it will give my child someone to look up to and respect.

 

[AquaDementia]

I still think it is wrong for 12-14 year olds to have babies.
A girl who is 16 and older is much more capable of taking care of the kid.

 

[Madwolf3]

I know EXACTLY what you're talking about! Been there, done that, and not long ago (I'm 20 now, preg with #2). But on MY end- it hasn't really gotten better since no longer being a "teen mom". Except that people shut the hell up because the whole "it's going to be so hard" shit is pointless for them to say when they know I already freaking know because I have one kiddo already! But I STILL don't get any respect from my family. I have less issues with people I don't know because they can't tell how old I am (look older in person than I really am), and because we're so comfortable dealing with our daughter that people assume we're older anyway. GEEZ bad topic- I could absolutely bitch about the age thing forever! I didn't have my daughter at 17 on purpose, and for us it HAS been hard as hell (financially) but DAMN do I get mad when people point out that I'm "too young to be a mommy". It makes me want to scream (or cry, lately, lol).

 

[TashaAndBump]

Thanks for this post snugglemuffin - I think it will be reassuring for a lot of people, who are unfairly made to think that they will struggle a great deal more with pregnancy, and that they are unfit to be a parent because they are a teen...

I don't personally feel I've been judged too much for falling pregnant... but then I am married and my husband is 25, so it's not entirely a typical or entirely 'teen' pregnancy. I do however think I have had a different experience of pregnancy based on my age to some degree... I mostly noticed this in the difference between people's reactions to my husband breaking the news, and to me breaking the news... My husband got nothing but "Wow congratulations!" and "Oooh when's it due? - Have you thought of any names?" wheras when I first told people I was pregnant, a lot of the reactions that I was met with were full of uncertainty and something I'm not quite sure of... sympathy, perhaps? The first question most people asked me was not when it was due or whether I was excited, but whether I was going to be keeping it! Until I made it clear that it was a positive thing, and that I would indeed be keeping the baby, there were no congratulations or anything like that... like being under 20 automatically makes the pregnancy a negative thing and means you'd consider terminating it...

I think it's good to remind ourselves every now and then, that we are no less capable of being a good parent than someone a few years older than ourselves - or 10 years older! The differences we experience in pregnancy, and the judgements that are passed on us, are no reflection of our ability to have and raise a child, but of a stupid, and far outdated social stigma.

Although in many cases teen pregnancies are not concieved in the most ideal situations, in some ways this gives us something extra to be proud of; our babies may not have been planned, and we may be facing a challenge that will completely turn our future plans upsidedown, and we have to do so knowing that coping financially, emotionally and physically will be 10 times more difficult (to say the least) than we could have hoped for in more 'ideal' circumstances - say if we'd been a few years older and a bit more settled and on our feet, but we take it all as it comes, we take responsibility for our actions and we brave all of these challenges (with the judgementalness of others thrown on top!) - If anything, being a teenage mum gives you even more to be proud of than just being a mum does. I think it's about time people started to acknowledge this.

 

[Sarah88]

I still think it is wrong for 12-14 year olds to have babies.
A girl who is 16 and older is much more capable of taking care of the kid.

I definately agree with you here. A girl who is 14 or under is so young herself. I didn't even get my period until I was about then (lucky me!). Personally I would freak if I found out my daughter was having sex that young. They are still growing, man, most probably wouldn't even have a mound of hair.

 

[TashaAndBump]

I definately agree with you here. A girl who is 14 or under is so young herself.

I think most people would agree that something wrong must have taken place for a very, very young (child) teenager to have fallen pregnant. However when it does happen, you can't change the fact that that child has had sexual intercourse, all that we can do for these young teenagers, if we want to be of any help at all, is to support them, and help them to explore their options, and to reassure them that the future is not a downward spiral from here on out and their life is most certainly not over because they have become a parent.

 

[NAY2008]

I feel there should be alot less taboo over young mums aged 16 + as 16 is the legal age to have sex! I think it is wrong for seriously young children i would call them to have children. I am 18 and trying to concieve with my partener of nearly two years.

My mum works for social and there are some bad parents who are neglectfull! But to be honest most of them are older people!!! JUst because your young does not mean you cannot handle it or are going to be a bad parent i mean its doesnt matter what age as long are you love your children and care for them properly.