Marital problems?

[dlj2]

Hi all

Firstly I wouldn't ever normally discuss topics like this on here but I'm just really needing others perspectives as I'm at a loss of how to improve things with my husband.

We have a daughter who's nearly 2, during that pregnancy I remember feeling a little annoyed when my husband kept going out/away but overall I remember him being supportive for me. About a year ago I then found out he had tries to start a conversation with a random local girl online during that pregnancy when I was struggling with sickness and tiredness, needless to say it really knocked my confidence but we moved on with him assuring me she was an old friend and it was nothing.

So I'm now pregnant again and I am just so stressed and upset as I just feel I have no support, care or love from him. He's recently took a promotion and i 'feel' I'm just getting all the backlash from his work stresses. He doesn't help me at all round the house or much with my daughter. I've tried to raise it but I'm not getting anywhere, he is currently at the pub, while leaving me with a screaming toddler who diesnt want to sleep and I have a migraine from tiredness.

So my question is are my hormones making the sutuation ten times worse, and how in earth can I sort this out? I keep considering just leaving but deep down it's not what I want as when we are good we are really good. I'm just struggling to see where it's all gone wrong, and he's just totally oblivious.

 

[SoBlessedMama]

I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a hard time right now. I don't really have advice to offer, but I just wanted to offer some support. I'm praying everything works out for what is best for your little family. Big hugs, girl--I hope you get some answers and support. Pregnancy is a hard enough time anyway, without added marital stress!

 

[staceymxxx]

I'd sit down and have a serious chat with him.. hope your ok x

 

[george83]

Massive hugs to you sweetie. I stupidly have been there twice - I'm assuming my oh is currently in the pub as he hasn't come home again after work leaving me with our 2 year old and a 5 month old who hasn't slept properly for 2 weeks and I am physically drained.

When I was pregnant with our first he literally treated me like shit and looking back I can't believe I put up with it but like yourself on the rare occasion things were good they were really good. With our second he was slightly better but this has changed since I had our baby. I really really wish if had the guts to kick him out when everything started. It might have back fired and he could have truly left me but I do wonder if that would have been enough to wake him up a bit. I do love him - I wouldn't put up with his rubbish if I didn't but there are only so many times that you can listen to the same excuses.

I hope things get better for you but try to remember that your stronger than you think and as much as a marriage is important a happy stable environment is more important

 

[lillylollypop]

Our relationship was in the dumps as soon as I told him I was preggo. It got worse and worse, abusive. He was scared and just didn't want to deal with it.

So I left him. That lasted all of 9 days before he asked me to come back. And it's been peachy keen ever since.

Sometimes they need that kick in the ass to show em their not in charge. If he's getting away with it, why is he going to change? Talk to him about it, if he ignores you, try a trial separation. Chances are he just needs a push.

 

[BigAl]

I don't think it's your hormones making things worse tbh. It's extremely hard looking after kids on your own, I would be so annoyed to have to do most of it alone.

Sounds a bit naff, but have you thought about writing him a letter. It will help you clarify exactly what you want from him, and maybe give him time to digest/understand before he starts throwing back arguments or platitudes back at you.

I know I had talk upon talk with my oh about helping more, and in the end he came good, and is a great dad now. But ultimately it was reaching a list of specifics that I wanted that worked, ie he now does all bedtimes, while I wash up etc, rather than just saying I wanted more help.

Sorry crap advice really, but good luck and just keep talking if nothing else.

 

[heidi87814]

Sit him down and explain everything to him in full about how you feel. Men are generally logical thinkers so they tend to miss a lot of what we feel and go through. Tell him that you're being driven to consider leaving and that things need to really change around here. Be stern to show how serious you are.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, hon. It's not just your pregnancy hormones -It sounds like your hubbie's really not being sensitive to you at all.

 

[lillylollypop]

I know I had talk upon talk with my oh about helping more, and in the end he came good, and is a great dad now. But ultimately it was reaching a list of specifics that I wanted that worked, ie he now does all bedtimes, while I wash up etc, rather than just saying I wanted more help.

THIS. 1000 times! Instead of going on with the same arguments, try wording it differently. Instead of saying "you're not there for me" say " Hey, can you please start doing laundry 2x a week". You need to spell it out for him. I think the problem is vagueness. We of course know all the things they aren't doing for us. But they are clueless. They need direction. I know its frustrating, you often feel you have to raise your child and your husband. But once you get him working in the right direction, its so much easier. Oh, and LOTS of praise helps. Boost his ego, make him think he's great at it, he will start to take pride in it and want to do it more often.

 

[hotslinthesun]

I'm in a similar situation. I have a 2 year old at home and my husband is in a new job and is having to work out of town a lot and work a lot of overtime. He is not the most understanding person, especially when I'm not feeling well and am overwhelmed, and we have definitely been struggling throughout this pregnancy. I agree with the previous advice about sitting down and talking it out. You have to be extremely specific with what you want, don't assume that he knows what you mean. It really does have to be a very detailed to-do list.

I also try to keep in mind that I'm not the same partner he's used to having either, being pregnant, hormonal, and sick and tired all the time means that he doesn't have the supportive spouse that he's used to having either. We're both trying to do our best and we just understand that this is a hard time right now and we're just going to buckle down and get through it. Better times are ahead.

Good luck with everything! Pregnancy can be a very trying time...

 

[dlj2]

Thank you all so much I've just say and read all your replies, I did just as you had said last night actually and waited up for him and had a very serious demisvussiin explaining just how serious it had got. He finally seemed to take note and he even said tell me exactly what you want me to do rather than my general need more helps. So you were spot on ladies!

Anyhow I'm much calmer and relaxed so here for better times ahead.xxx

 

[Yo_Yo]

Glad you had a good talk. Sometimes that's all it takes.
Hope from here things get better honey

 

[SoBlessedMama]

That is great news!! I hope things start to improve from here on out.

 

[hotslinthesun]

That's awesome! Don't be discouraged if his behavior slips again in the future. As smart as some men are they can really be stupid sometimes... Just keep the lines of communication open, and try, try, try again. Best of luck!!!!

 

[loveandterror]

i dont know your personal situation and you probably don't want to hear this..but he just got a promotion and he probably spends a lot of his time at work. helping in the house is probably the last thing on his mind, when he gets home.
i'm sure he loves you guys and i think his way of showing you that he cares is that he works as much as possible so he can provide for you guys.
i'd let him have some time with his buddies at the pub, but have a talk with him and explain to him how you feel about everything.

good luck!

 

[lala222]

When men are acting so stupid like this, I can't help but let my husband have it. Like are you kidding me? You leave your pregnant wife who isn't feeling good, to calm down a tantruming toddler while you head out to the pub? That's clearly unacceptable. I would wait until he gets home, sit him down, and sternly tell him all your issues and what's going to happen unless he changes. If it helps, use this time while he's gone (if you have a spare second, I know toddlers are time consuming lol) and maybe write down your points on a piece of paper so you have everything sorted out that you want to say and don't get caught up in your emotions at the time of the conversation. Trust me- I have been through hell and back with my husband (before we got married) and we split up briefly last year because he was downright just an arse and never here to support my son and I, and when I told him many times how I was feeling and he never changed-it took me leaving for him to change. we were only broken up for maybe 2 weeks and he turned into a new person. We went to couple's counselling, and got married last fall. He needs to know your not just his pushover wife (which you ARENT) but he seems to be treating you that way, dumping all his baggage on you and turning around and running away to the pub. So then again, that's just my personal advice (and experience) I really hope you can get it sorted out hun! Pregnancy and relationship problems really don't mix, it's so stressful! keep us updated.

 

[lala222]

oh dear I have to get better at this reading the whole thread before posting hahaha. GLAD you got it sorted!!!