marraige going down the pan, need some advice please ?

[Lexi mummy]

Hi

well where do i start. firstly if i shouldnt be posting in here asking for advice i do appoligise

my marraige is going down the pan big time and i just dont see us being together much more. we are not getting on at all, arguing every single day, we spend very little time together and when we do i dont really enjoy it. he rarely helps me with lacey and im tired of it. i just dont see the point i look after lacey on my own so whats the point of being married if he doesnt help me.

we have had so much sh*t to deal with over the last 2 years. i moved to norwich to be with him and since i moved here i have been miserable, his family dont help or arent very friendly and i have endless problems with his mother. things started to turn around in april 2008 and i started to make some friends after nearly 2 years of having none. i fell pregnant in may 2008 with my daughter alexis and things were good. during the pregnancy we had awful neighbours living below us and were in a battle to have them evicted. we had to go to court etc and i was supporting us while he worked on his business, we also had our flat broken into and my husbands wallet stolen and cared used. i was stressed for sure. after we got the neighbours evicted went back to southampton (where i come from) for xmas full of joy about how great our future was looking. the day i got down there i went into labour and found out that day that alexis had died when i was 8 months pregnant. our worlds were turned upside down. we coped the best we could but we were strained and pushed to the max with greif and sadness. we also dealt with alexis' death very differently.

we then decided 6 months after alexis died to redo our flat and put it on our credit cards. i needed something to focus on and we did every room in 6 months. by august i was pregnant with lacey and the pregnancy was so stressful i tried my best to cope well but we just thought she would die too. i got a part time job and then in january this year we went bought our second dog a little puppy called misty. i bought misty because i was convinced lacey would die and i needed something to focus on. she quickly became my baby and i loved her very much.

lacey was born alive thank god and this year was starting to look great, i thought finally its our turn and things are going to be ok.

when lacey was first born for the first few weeks it wasnt easy i wouldnt put her down and i couldnt relax i was so scared about SIDS i really thought she was going to die at some point. i finally started to relax and just enjoy my baby girl.

we planned to move back to southampton and that also got me through the days which me and lacey are alone for 5 days a week with only 1 friend in norwich as the ones i made in 2008 stopped having anything to do with me when alexis died.

in july misty started being very ill and we paid a lot of money for tests etc. she had something wrong with her liver and cancer in her spleen at 7 months old. yes i know she was just a dog but she was my dog and my baby. she helped me so much with my pregnancy and i needed her. she died on the 25th july and i still cant get over it. another senseless loss.

my sister dropped the bomb shell that she and her boys are moving to france. they were the reason we were moving down south. my mum lives in durham but hubby doesnt like it up there so i am stuck in norwich.

i feel depressed at the moment and the only thing which makes me smile is lacey. i am grateful for her every day but the rest of my life is a bag of shit with very little to look forward to.

we are in debt up to our eye balls and fighting all the time.

even this morning i asked him to change lacey's nappy and change her clothes whilst i went to the loo and made a cuppa etc. i could hear her crying so i went upstairs and he is trying to force her to go back to sleep. so we ended up having an argument. she had slept for 12 hours she didnt need more sleep she wanted to get up.

he never just takes lacey so i can have some time to myself, never given me a lie in the whole time lacey has been here but most days lays in until 11 ish.

ive just got no fight left, and i dont think i love him anymore. i care for him but i dont really like him and i dont want to have sex with him or anything like that.

so i think its coming to an end. im sorry to write an essay well done if you made it this far. once i started it just all came out.

im tired and i just want a simple life. its our 3 year anniversary this year since we got married and i have no interest in celebrating it. its a miracle we made it this far.

if we do split up i will need to move up north i cant stay in norwich with no friends family or husband. if i move up north my mum is there and i think she and her husband will help me.

where do i stand with benefits? my mum siad she will help me move but she wont look after lacey so i can work.

its all such a mess and i could really do with some guidance

thanks x

 

[Laura2919]

As for benefits you could go to your local job centre and they should be able to tell you!

What you have been through must of been so hard for you both. Are you sure its not just been all too much for you both? You may need a break from everything, just the two of you to sit down and talk. Tell him how you feel and let him tell you how he feels. If after then you dont see a future then maybe you should go your seperate ways but if you can sort it out then that is great.
I dont really know what to suggest really because everyones situation is different and there is only one person who knows how you are feeling and that is you because no one else can!
I think you need to decide if you love him and think there are ways to work this out then try and if you dont and want a fresh start then make it happen.. Do it for Lacey, she deserves to be happy!
Good luck

 

[LittleMadam]

Sorry for your losses. You've been through a lot. If you think you and your OH are over then definitely moved to somewhere where you will get plenty of support.

As for benefits, you can apply for income support (if not working), child tax credits, working tax credits (if working) (also comes with a childcare element, which will cover much of your childcare costs), housing benefit, council tax benefit, healthy start vouchers. Give them a call and see what they say.

Hugs. xx

 

[truly_blessed]

you have had such a time of it hun. I'm an intruder in this forum to as I am happily engaged and never been married or had children yet but I am 40 and I have had several relationships or 5+ years so I just wanted to try and give you some options.

Is he aware there is a problem firstly? he might not be, men can be so oblivious to it all. If not, you really do need to start there and tell him just how bad it has gotten for you now. There's no point not being honest at this time. Ideally with Lacey away for the night or at least settled where she won't be disturbed. You owe each other that before making any decisions. He may even feel the same.

If you do both agree there is a problem, would you be able to go to your parent's house, just for a week or so, with Lacey (he would need to agree to it obviously) for you both to get some space to think things through and get to know yourself again. It seems you spend so much time being a family unit, you forget about you and what you are and need.

It won't be easy, it will be very hard in fact but being in the current situation seems to be driving resentment between you and it will just spread if left alone.

Good luck hun xx

 

[Mumof42009]

Hi

Like the others have said maybe a break would do you good for a while and see how things are after that, youve been through alot both of you and maybe he cant deal with everything thats why he has changed to how he is being. Men are very strange and hardly show emotions and we are supposed to be mind readers to whats going on in there heads. Have you spoke to him about how you feel? I would say to him if things dont change then maybe he could go stay somewhere if a week or 2 just to see if that helps you never know he may come back a changed man!
As for benefits directgov website is a good help x

 

[truly_blessed]

Hi

Like the others have said maybe a break would do you good for a while and see how things are after that, youve been through alot both of you and maybe he cant deal with everything thats why he has changed to how he is being. Men are very strange and hardly show emotions and we are supposed to be mind readers to whats going on in there heads. Have you spoke to him about how you feel? I would say to him if things dont change then maybe he could go stay somewhere if a week or 2 just to see if that helps you never know he may come back a changed man!
As for benefits directgov website is a good help x

 

[Lexi mummy]

thanks everyone. he does seem to feel the same. we have spoke a few times over the last couple months about possibly splitting up.

he says im never happy and i think he cant be bothered. like you say we have been through so much together. maybe we just cant take much more x

 

[anna matronic]

Hi hun, sorry to hear you are going through a really rough time.

I agree, firstly does your DH realise there is a problem? After the loss of Lexi did you receive counseling? I believe losing a child is the hardest thing a couple can get through. There are clearly more things here making your unhappy and putting a strain on the relationship, money and the fact you feel isolated where you live.

Do you take Lacey out much and getting out to meet other mums? Going to local sure start groups etc? Or maybe you want to think about getting a p/t job. Getting out there, even for a few hours a week can do wonders for self esteem and just generally make you feel better, like you have a purpose other then being a mum.

If those don't suit you then I agree a temporary break for both of you could be a chance to have a real think about how you feel and what you want.

Good luck x x

 

[billy2mm]

so sorry for what you have been through.

how did he deal with you lo's death? could he still be dealing with it? its still not really an excuse for not doing his fair share with lacey.

i think you bith need to sit down and and have a full heart to heart and get everything out. it will hurt you will both cry but i think it needs done before either of you can make a decision about the future.

 

[Pyrrhic]

I cannot stress enough how much you should both look into counselling, rather than splitting straight away. You loved him once enough to marry him, and he felt the same about you. Go to counselling, and find out if there is anything left to save. At least then if you do break up, you know you tried your best.

 

[LilBean2010]

Hi Hun,

I don't have a lot of advice, but I wanted to offer you lots of hugs and tell you to focus on your little one and it will all work out. You all have been through so much in such a short amount of time...it is really no wonder you are having trouble making it all work. I would really, really suggest you talk to your doctor and the both of you go to counseling. You have so much to deal with - having someone to talk to would really help you all.

Please take gentle care of yourself and know that no matter where you end up...single or still married...you are a great Mom and it will all work out ok.

 

[SugarKisses]

sorry your struggling Kirsty x