BrandiCanucks
Mommy of 4, WTT
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2010
- Messages
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So sorry to hear of the losses in the group ladies. I hope you'll end up in the First Trimester again soon, with healthy babies.
I know I haven't been on here much in the last week or so. As you ladies know I've been fighting with logic and my emotions on whether to give this baby up or not. Truth is. I want this baby more than anything right now, and I've come to realize, more than my marriage.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, searching, and crying over the last few days, and arguing with my husband. Through all of this, I have come to find that it is not my marriage I want to save, but what I have from the marriage. I'm scared to death of being a single mom. I have a great house, a car, I'm financially secure, and I'm about to lose all of that and start at rock bottom. I love my husband and have wanted nothing more than to work on the marriage and be happy and healthy with him, but over the last few days, I have come to realize that he clearly doesn't want the same. It's unfortunate, but I also realized that he would have worked his ass off to make the marriage work over the last year and a half had he actually wanted to stay married me to. I also realize now that there is no point in separating and working on the marriage, only because we have too many differences. I've known deep down that the marriage has been over for a very long time, ever since he went and had that vasectomy, but I loved him and our kids enough to want to make it work.
I keep thinking to my ultrasound this coming week, and every time I think of seeing that little heart beating, and then think of holding and kissing my baby at birth, I smile and my heart melts. I could never live with myself giving my child up for a marriage where the end is inevitable. If he truly wants to make the marriage work, then I come with the whole package...my, our children, and this baby.
I've lost a lot of friends over the last few weeks who didn't agree with my decision to be artificially inseminated, and I've considered my husband a friend. I think I'm more afraid of losing another friend than I am of losing my marriage, and he has admitted and agreed that he does still love me, he just doesn't think we're right for each other. As much as it pains me to say it, I think I agree. He wants to help me and he still wants to be friendly, which is good. At least I know I'm not losing him completely.
My favourite band released an album last week, and one of the songs on it, called "You Belong Here", says "You belong here/You were meant for me/You belong here/You were meant to be with me" and I've only seen it in the context that, if it were singing to my situation, it would be that my husband is meant to be with me. No, I see it a completely different way now. It's not my husband who belongs here, who is meant to be with me, it's this baby. This baby belongs here and is meant to be with me. On that note, I am pleased to announce that I am keeping my baby, and I am going to be a happy single mom of 3 (or 4...but hopefully only 3)
I know I haven't been on here much in the last week or so. As you ladies know I've been fighting with logic and my emotions on whether to give this baby up or not. Truth is. I want this baby more than anything right now, and I've come to realize, more than my marriage.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, searching, and crying over the last few days, and arguing with my husband. Through all of this, I have come to find that it is not my marriage I want to save, but what I have from the marriage. I'm scared to death of being a single mom. I have a great house, a car, I'm financially secure, and I'm about to lose all of that and start at rock bottom. I love my husband and have wanted nothing more than to work on the marriage and be happy and healthy with him, but over the last few days, I have come to realize that he clearly doesn't want the same. It's unfortunate, but I also realized that he would have worked his ass off to make the marriage work over the last year and a half had he actually wanted to stay married me to. I also realize now that there is no point in separating and working on the marriage, only because we have too many differences. I've known deep down that the marriage has been over for a very long time, ever since he went and had that vasectomy, but I loved him and our kids enough to want to make it work.
I keep thinking to my ultrasound this coming week, and every time I think of seeing that little heart beating, and then think of holding and kissing my baby at birth, I smile and my heart melts. I could never live with myself giving my child up for a marriage where the end is inevitable. If he truly wants to make the marriage work, then I come with the whole package...my, our children, and this baby.
I've lost a lot of friends over the last few weeks who didn't agree with my decision to be artificially inseminated, and I've considered my husband a friend. I think I'm more afraid of losing another friend than I am of losing my marriage, and he has admitted and agreed that he does still love me, he just doesn't think we're right for each other. As much as it pains me to say it, I think I agree. He wants to help me and he still wants to be friendly, which is good. At least I know I'm not losing him completely.
My favourite band released an album last week, and one of the songs on it, called "You Belong Here", says "You belong here/You were meant for me/You belong here/You were meant to be with me" and I've only seen it in the context that, if it were singing to my situation, it would be that my husband is meant to be with me. No, I see it a completely different way now. It's not my husband who belongs here, who is meant to be with me, it's this baby. This baby belongs here and is meant to be with me. On that note, I am pleased to announce that I am keeping my baby, and I am going to be a happy single mom of 3 (or 4...but hopefully only 3)
Being a single parent is hard hun, but it is very rewarding! I might not have a houseful like yourself but I have brought my son up single handidly since pregnancy and I wouldnt change a day of it 
Saturday 11th 
