Mean parent needing advice :(

[perfectangels]

So the past couple of days my 5yr old dd has been telling me that I'm a mean parent. She has not been listening and so I will get on her. Sometimes I yell but most times I'll just tell her I'm going to do this or that if she don't listen. Like today, I was in her room getting her ready for school. I told her she could find something to wear if it matches. She got mad at me bc I told her to pick some different pants that did match. Then after that she called me A mean parent and a bad mom. She's never called me that but recently she has been saying a lot of stuff like I'm mean And she wants her nice daddy. (She don't like her dad at all) but it hurts my feelings. I did make her cry today bc I told her she makes me cry when she tells me stuff like that and calls me that. I just dnt know what to do anymore. I'm sad, hurt, confused my child is calling me these names. What should I do?

 

[Boomerslady]

Oh hunni Bens at the stage of telling me he hates me if he doesn't get his own way!!

Of course we're mean sometimes, if we weren't they'd go out with pants on thier head and eat rubbish all day long!! She has to learn boundaries and yes to her they seem harsh. All I'd say is to pick your battles. Don't be overly strict on things that aren't a huge deal.

She loves you unconditionally just doesn't like not getting what she wants!! When Ben is nasty to me I make him apologise and explain it hurt my feelings, as it sounds like you did.

Please don't take it to heart though.

 

[seoj]

If our kids always thought us nice- then we aren't doing our job! LOL. Trust me- I have a 16yr old... but tbh, even the things she used to resent us for when she was younger, THOSE are the things she thanks us for now! Crazy enough.

Kids NEED boundaries and limits- it's how they know they are loved and cared for, even if they don't see it that way. They feel it.

Just a thought- and not trying to over parent you- but maybe there are times you can just pick your battles? Like, long as your LO is dressed weather appropriate- then is matching a big deal? I only ask because my SD went through that stage for a LONG time- lol. She was probably 12-13 before she cared much about her clothes or hair even. The hair being brushed was something we put our foot down on- but she'd leave the house looking like a rag-a-muffin many times with striped tights and polka dot dress and leapard shoes! No joke. And yes, it drove me nuts- BUT- I figured she only had those times for so long before she'd care about everything she wore and what boys thought of it too... Just a thought.

Just remind yourself your doing great- your LO knows this. It's their job to push us at times- we just stay calm best we can. Offer options when possible (so they feel a sense of control) and the rest, in time, they will get. Maybe not till THEY are a parent someday- haha- but it will happen

 

[seoj]

As a sidenote- I took pics of the craziest outfits my SD would wear. I created an album- and today we can look at some of her choices and have a good laugh!!!

 

[Boomerslady]

As always Seoj worded it so much better than I could!!!

 

[seoj]

Oh stop! Your advise was spot on I just tend to ramble a lot more! haha

 

[Boomerslady]

Hahaha well you ramble in a very eloquent way!!!

 

[perfectangels]

Thanks! You made me feel so much better! I guess I could just let her choose what she wants to wear regardless, and yes I will def start taking pics to show off when she is older what she made a fuss over!! lol. good idea on that Its all a learning experience for us and with these pregnancy hormones it doesn't help. lol

 

[messica]

Doing daycare, I can tell you that if you tell your kiddo that those words hurt, it will give them power and she will continue to use them as weapons indefinitely.

The parents who responded with a "wow, that stinks you feel that way but I'm the mom and this is how things go, so you can choose to change your pants or choose for me to do it for you" usually skip through the phase pretty quickly. That as opposed to the parents who would sit at the door with tears in their eyes begging their children not to be so mean to them and trying to explain why words like that hurt so much.

I never let my kids (in toddlerhood specifically) see that anything but positivity has power. Everything else was largely ignored, and it did help tremendously.

 

[seoj]

Thanks! You made me feel so much better! I guess I could just let her choose what she wants to wear regardless, and yes I will def start taking pics to show off when she is older what she made a fuss over!! lol. good idea on that Its all a learning experience for us and with these pregnancy hormones it doesn't help. lol

Exactly! I swear I am learning right along with my LO most days

You got this hun!!!!

 

[cookette]

Doing daycare, I can tell you that if you tell your kiddo that those words hurt, it will give them power and she will continue to use them as weapons indefinitely.

The parents who responded with a "wow, that stinks you feel that way but I'm the mom and this is how things go, so you can choose to change your pants or choose for me to do it for you" usually skip through the phase pretty quickly. That as opposed to the parents who would sit at the door with tears in their eyes begging their children not to be so mean to them and trying to explain why words like that hurt so much.

I never let my kids (in toddlerhood specifically) see that anything but positivity has power. Everything else was largely ignored, and it did help tremendously.

Great advice!!

 

[Boomerslady]

^^^really great advice, thanks. I'll make sure to use that line with Ben!

 

[JASMAK]

If our kids always thought us nice- then we aren't doing our job! LOL. Trust me- I have a 16yr old... but tbh, even the things she used to resent us for when she was younger, THOSE are the things she thanks us for now! Crazy enough.

Kids NEED boundaries and limits- it's how they know they are loved and cared for, even if they don't see it that way. They feel it.

Just a thought- and not trying to over parent you- but maybe there are times you can just pick your battles? Like, long as your LO is dressed weather appropriate- then is matching a big deal? I only ask because my SD went through that stage for a LONG time- lol. She was probably 12-13 before she cared much about her clothes or hair even. The hair being brushed was something we put our foot down on- but she'd leave the house looking like a rag-a-muffin many times with striped tights and polka dot dress and leapard shoes! No joke. And yes, it drove me nuts- BUT- I figured she only had those times for so long before she'd care about everything she wore and what boys thought of it too... Just a thought.

Just remind yourself your doing great- your LO knows this. It's their job to push us at times- we just stay calm best we can. Offer options when possible (so they feel a sense of control) and the rest, in time, they will get. Maybe not till THEY are a parent someday- haha- but it will happen

This! Have clear rules regarding name calling. Then she and you know what to expect of it occurs. Don't get hurt, or mad...this is your child...not a friend. Teach her.

I agree, pick battles. One time my child in the middle of winter refused to put shoes on. I live in Canada, btw....so I said fine...lets go. And off we walked to the car in her socks. Last time she did that. Nothing beats natural consequences...but not matching is a personal preference and I agree again with the above...pick your battles.

 

[Ckelley]

I've been told that. I just agree with her. Yes Mommy gets mean when you chose not to listen. The thing that upset me the most was when she told me I "ruined her life". Why?... Because her room did not have a ceiling fan... Of all things. I grew up very poor and my daughter has so much. I was so angry. I had to walk away and then talk to her when I had calmed down.

 

[Foogirl]

If Abby doesn't hate me at least once a day, I reckon I'm not doing my job as a parent!

I agree about picking battles though. Abby chooses her clothes every day and sometimes her choices are (in my eyes) hideous, but if she wants to wear them I've no issue with that. I only ever suggest different socks that are long enough for her splints.

 

[lindseymw]

Some great advice already.

Believe me, I have had "you are such a mean mam, you're horrible etc." I just shrug it off and say "Ok, sorry you think that my dear...now lets get back to <whatever we are doing>"

I agree with others about picking your battles. Clotheswise, I do tend to pick their clothes out mainly because they could not care less but if they want to wear something (& as long it's appropriate) they can wear it.