Messy messy - any advice

[Welshcob]

Girls, I really am so messed up its not true in terms of worrying about what the FOB will do next. Hopefully most of you know what my background is... But its important for you to know because otherwise you can't probably give good advice. FOB and I planned baby - he used to be very abusive and then attended a perpetrator program and during the last year was much improved - if not totally better. I am overjoyed at being pregnant. I love this man and think that things can get better if I work harder. But instead of being happy he disappears for three weeks will not contact me. I am wondering what on earth is going on. Finally I assume - hes not wanting to be with me and I ask what part he wants to play with the baby. He says not a word. Well finally he texts to say to come over but he refuses to discuss anything - again a typical abuse tactic - leaving me wondering what on earth is happening. I mean the guy has said how he wants baby with me and wants everything with me only 4 weeks earlier. Anyway he pushes me over, I slap him and he has me arrested. Still I am shocked and I only know I am an ex because the Police officer told me! There has been no discussion at all. I am advised to get a solicitors letter and ask what part part he wants in this babies life - having realised he clearly wants nothing to do with me although not one word has passed his lips to this effect.
In response to this letter - he takes me to court for harrassment and says that the 8 texts I sent him asking him to a scan and some in sheer confusion about what on earth was going on. All this is to cause me as much distress as possible. Well clearly I at least knew then not to invite him to the scans any more. And I absolutely would not contact him if he wants none of it. But you know he never said a single word. All he needed to do was tell me...but he likes to inflict power and control over me. As a result I haven't spoken or contacted him since. I have been in fear in my own home and I have had to move for fear of him turning up near the birth. He may turn up and tell me everything I want to hear- his normal tactic. Everyone has advised me not to go to CSA as this will set him off again and hes going to nail me in court. I can see him accusing me of all sorts of things and my slapping him will just add to it...he recorded me. I can see him making my life hell. Although truthfully I can't see him wanting contact with his baby whilst its hard work because it interfers with his lifestyle too much.
Anyway I have looked to see what help and support I can get from the government, and its pretty well nothing. I have earnt well this year, but next year its going to be so grim that I don't even have the slightest hope of managing. So I have to go via CSA. I am afraid of what he will do to retaliate.
As I mentioned, hes drinking again - which is when he is most violent. He has no record - whilst I have a caution for slapping him - so I really made his year with that!
He has lots of money to take me to court with whilst I have not and I have no family support at all, so all my childcare is down to me. I cannot afford to go to court. I am hoping he won't find me...but I guess he will try. How can I protect myself and this baby. I want to be reasonable, but am so afraid of this calculating and sick man. I have left my email open so he may make contact if he wishes to see his baby when it comes. But I know he wont' do it that way, hes likely to right to court...because he knows that will kick me where it hurts.
Help - any advice at all
I have hidden from Electoral role and tried to disappear so he cannot find me. I don't want him talking to me on the phone or turning up at my address. I feel un protected by police and law as they have never helped me and he is loaded and will not hesitate to use his finances to drag me around the courts. What can I do?

 

[starbucks101]

you say he went on a perp program do you have proof of this? if you do do not worry yourself about him getting access to your little one...

I went to the CSA after abuse too, My ex hasnt come looking or anything as its not going to fit in with his "shes ran off with my daughter" act

Im now happily in a new relationship with another bambino on the way, i moved away from where we were living to my family (although its still in the same county about 60 miles away from him at the time, now about 25-30 as he moved too)

I'm not scared anymore and people are finally starting to realise what he is like...

Where do you have family or maybe start afresh look into brand new housing developments that arent on the map yet, what industry do you work in can you get another job in that sector etc...

I've moved on to a really nice decommissioned RAF camp in norfolk the area is nice my daughter goes to a fantastic nursery and we feel safe and happy here for the first time in a long time xxx

 

[xxannxx]

HIya, i just wanted to send you a big hug . Its a really hard 1, but i think with all the history and his drinking that you and LO will be better off on your own. I know its not what the 2 of you had planned and that it will be hard financially and emotionally but i think he has made it clear that he doesn't want to be involved and that you need to try and move on and concentrate on you and your LO. You have said that you have left your e-mail open so he can contact you if he wants but i don't think you should hold out for him to do that. I'm sorry, i know its probably not what you wanted to hear

 

[surprisebaby]

i think you should contact womans aid for sure and maybe see a support worker there. They can give you support and make you feel stronger. Whatever you do, do not doubt yourself and believe anything he says. I would not (if i were you) go through csa if it makes worse. Its not worth it. I would also avoid him completely. do not speak to him, because he sounds extremely manipulative and if you do have to meet up with him (which i don't think you should) always have someone else there.

but to be safer don't contact me and move on. You don't need an abuser in your life, Most abusers, will also actually abuse your children also.

Another point, making you look like the abuser is so manipulative and it makes me angry to hear that he is making you look bad when really it's him thats the problem. You only slapped him out of self defense and he knows that. He sounds really horrible.
Hope everything works out xxx

 

[Happybeans]

hiya babe,

I think i remember you saying that social services were going to meet with you (if not sorry my mistake but contact them yourself.

Talk to someone in the child protection assessment team and tell them about your fears and your history. Go prepared, write down as much history abut your abusive ex as possible. If you work with them they will support you completely.

As you know i have been assessed by SS. They have no fear that my baby will be at risk from me but because of what i have told them they said they will support me in not allowing FOB to see baby. If he persists they have said they will only allow supervised visits, he won't no where we live, they will pcik baby up, supervise the visits and bring baby back, but they would not consider this till at least 3 months and will try to hold out as much as possible till about 6 months.

I know this is not what you want, I don't want FOB to see baby at all, but its good to have them there for if and when i need them.

They have also offered me support such as help with housing (supporting applications and such) and will put me in touch with more groups for mothers and babys and just support me as much as possible so that its easier to cope.

Chin up.

xx

 

[babybaillie]

If ud be happy to be moved i would get on to womens aid. Get as far away from his as possible. For ur sanity and the best interests of u and the baby xx

 

[Happybeans]

p.s. def get on to womens aid, i'm in one of their refuges and they also offer great outreach support. Also it may be possible for them (or another similar charity) to supply you with extra security in your home. I know one in particular will make one room in your home a safe room/.