MIL in delivery room... NOT

[Teasangelmom]

Long story kinda... Thank you for reading this!
To start my husband and I used drugs 5 years ago,lost our son, went to rehab and have been sober 4 years now. We worked very hard to get and stay sober and have no problem with the law or cps since losing our son 4 years ago. We have a 2 year old daughter and I'm now 23 weeks pregnant with a believed second little girl.
When I had my daughter 2 years ago my mil/fil were told not to visit after I had her, to wait until we came home. They showed up at the hospital screaming at the nurse and doctor to drug test me and Tea and to call cps to take her because I just HAD to be under the influence. The nurse was warned(by me) that would happen if she showed up and the poor nurse was shocked that my mil actually did just that. They told her we were tested, she wouldn't be calling anyone and my daughter was going home with her mother and father.
Now even though we're sober and have been for quite a few years when she was told we're expecting again she immediately offered to take our baby. I obviously was highly offended and told her off. My main worry is she'll repeat the past and try to get this baby taken, which she won't succeed in of course but my husband seems to have forgiven her and doesn't see why I have an issue with her visiting us at the hospital right after I have this baby. How do I make him understand my concern? I almost died giving birth to Tea and honestly don't want added stress right after any complications that could happen. Any advice,should I have forgiven her by now?

 

[WackyMumof2]

I'm honestly surprised she's even in the picture after the first incident to be honest!! And no, I wouldn't be forgiving her any time soon (if at all) if that were me in your shoes!! That is a disgusting accusation she had no proof of!

As for your husband, I would sit down and tell him your concerns and you don't want her visiting you in hospital. If she did it once, I agree with your concerns of it happening again. As for her OFFERING to taky your baby, I would have done more than just tell her off! Also, did she offer to take custody of your son all those years ago? She is in NO position to pass judgement! You've been clean for years and just because you are having a baby does not mean you are under the influence of drugs!

As for your past convictions and loosing custody of your son, I'm so sorry that you have been unable to regain custody. But, if anything, it's proven just how hard you have worked to get to the place in your lives you are now. For that, you should be very proud!!

 

[MrsLux]

Firstly, well done to you are your partner for getting clean - massive achievement and investment in yours and your children's lives.
Can you just not tell her when you
are in labour? Also, I would threaten her with legal action if she turns up again. Definitely explain to your midwife the situation and get them on board.. Good luck x

 

[Talia12]

I'm with pp, don't let her find out you're in labour! It's a shame to have to do that especially for your partner but after what happened it might just be what you need to do - she hasn't in any way proved she can be trusted not to show up shouting the odds.

 

[HappiestMom]

In our hospital the only people that can visit are the ones WE personally give the elevator code to...they can't even call the nurses and ask or anything...I also know of others that have informed the staff these people etc etc are NOT allowed to visit under any circumstances...

 

[Teasangelmom]

Thank you ladies very much! We actually decided not to take our son back because my mil/fil had him since he was 2 months old and we'll they spoiled him and give him NO discipline. When he came to visit when Tea was 6 months old she was crawling and we told Mikey no to something and he went over to Tea and tried to punch her in the back of the head. My husband stopped him and gave him a huge time out but after that incident we realized it wasn't safe for Tea to take him back. It would have put her in danger, taught her that if you scream, punch,slap and kick your parents full force you get your way. I'm disabled that is way to dangerous for me and for Tea. Of course with the new baby we just can't risk it. Now Tea is almost as big as Mikey already (she's almost 2,hes 4 but they don't make him eat.... ) so now Tea can defend herself. It was by choice and honestly neccesity not to get custody of him. I can't have a child punching me he could cause me to dislocate. We couldn't handle a child who refuses to dress, feed himself ,use the bathroom, brush his teeth or do anything by himself, Tea already does all that with a little assistance and having a child who screams and attacks constantly to get is way is just too much. We raised Tea VERY differently.
Sorry that was long just wanted to explain why we never took Mikey back.
I have talked to my husband about it but he seems to feel bad if we don't tell her when I have the baby because we're telling my parents but my parents especially my mom come to the hospital the day we go home to help us. And they've never done anything like try to take our kids. I'm not sure why he feels bad and I don't really know what else to say to help him understand my position. I mean he said if they did that again to this baby he'd ban them from our house but she already wants this baby just like she did Tea and look what she did with her. I'm sorry but she did it once and waiting to see if she does it again just seems kinda stupid to me. Is it just me? I haven't even told him I don't want her visiting at the house for at least a month(dont need THAT stress). I'm just frustrated I guess.

 

[WackyMumof2]

Thank you ladies very much! We actually decided not to take our son back because my mil/fil had him since he was 2 months old and we'll they spoiled him and give him NO discipline. When he came to visit when Tea was 6 months old she was crawling and we told Mikey no to something and he went over to Tea and tried to punch her in the back of the head. My husband stopped him and gave him a huge time out but after that incident we realized it wasn't safe for Tea to take him back. It would have put her in danger, taught her that if you scream, punch,slap and kick your parents full force you get your way. I'm disabled that is way to dangerous for me and for Tea. Of course with the new baby we just can't risk it. Now Tea is almost as big as Mikey already (she's almost 2,hes 4 but they don't make him eat.... ) so now Tea can defend herself. It was by choice and honestly neccesity not to get custody of him. I can't have a child punching me he could cause me to dislocate. We couldn't handle a child who refuses to dress, feed himself ,use the bathroom, brush his teeth or do anything by himself, Tea already does all that with a little assistance and having a child who screams and attacks constantly to get is way is just too much. We raised Tea VERY differently.

And she thinks that she's the BEST person to raise your daughters too?! My God she is nuts!! I'm so sorry for the way she has raised your son and I can imagine how hard it must be to not have all your children together because of the actions of his legal guardians. She's got the nerve to judge you but she's clearly never looked in the mirror and taken a good, hard look at how she's 'raised' your son. Siblings should never be separated (my own personal opinion) but in saying that, you have to put the safety of your 2 little ones first too.

 

[Teasangelmom]

Thank you ladies very much! We actually decided not to take our son back because my mil/fil had him since he was 2 months old and we'll they spoiled him and give him NO discipline. When he came to visit when Tea was 6 months old she was crawling and we told Mikey no to something and he went over to Tea and tried to punch her in the back of the head. My husband stopped him and gave him a huge time out but after that incident we realized it wasn't safe for Tea to take him back. It would have put her in danger, taught her that if you scream, punch,slap and kick your parents full force you get your way. I'm disabled that is way to dangerous for me and for Tea. Of course with the new baby we just can't risk it. Now Tea is almost as big as Mikey already (she's almost 2,hes 4 but they don't make him eat.... ) so now Tea can defend herself. It was by choice and honestly neccesity not to get custody of him. I can't have a child punching me he could cause me to dislocate. We couldn't handle a child who refuses to dress, feed himself ,use the bathroom, brush his teeth or do anything by himself, Tea already does all that with a little assistance and having a child who screams and attacks constantly to get is way is just too much. We raised Tea VERY differently.

And she thinks that she's the BEST person to raise your daughters too?! My God she is nuts!! I'm so sorry for the way she has raised your son and I can imagine how hard it must be to not have all your children together because of the actions of his legal guardians. She's got the nerve to judge you but she's clearly never looked in the mirror and taken a good, hard look at how she's 'raised' your son. Siblings should never be separated (my own personal opinion) but in saying that, you have to put the safety of your 2 little ones first too.

Yes she does,honestly I believe she just wants a girl now. She raised her 3 kids, my DH and his 2 sisters, they never had a photo from when they were toddlers that they didn't have a beer or a joint in their hand, she thought it was funny when she showed me a photo of my husband with a beer in one hand and a joint in the other standing in his walker. He also got ahold of Meth pills and it nearly killed him, I see why he became an addict and had to work so hard to get clean.
It is hard to see how she raised him but being around him is so dang difficult and stressful because he screams and is so violent if he doesn't get his way. Tea is so much better behaved even if she's tired, she's 2. It's just very sad to see him be so awful,especially when people ask how old Tea is, how old Mikey is then say oh how sweet and good she is while glaring at my mil and Mikey. Urg! It would be a danger to Tea, me and this baby if we took him back. By the end of our visits we're all drained and have splitting headaches while Tea just acts like she's overwhelmed. Probably from Mikey screaming and throwing fits so much. Arg!

 

[WackyMumof2]

Thank you ladies very much! We actually decided not to take our son back because my mil/fil had him since he was 2 months old and we'll they spoiled him and give him NO discipline. When he came to visit when Tea was 6 months old she was crawling and we told Mikey no to something and he went over to Tea and tried to punch her in the back of the head. My husband stopped him and gave him a huge time out but after that incident we realized it wasn't safe for Tea to take him back. It would have put her in danger, taught her that if you scream, punch,slap and kick your parents full force you get your way. I'm disabled that is way to dangerous for me and for Tea. Of course with the new baby we just can't risk it. Now Tea is almost as big as Mikey already (she's almost 2,hes 4 but they don't make him eat.... ) so now Tea can defend herself. It was by choice and honestly neccesity not to get custody of him. I can't have a child punching me he could cause me to dislocate. We couldn't handle a child who refuses to dress, feed himself ,use the bathroom, brush his teeth or do anything by himself, Tea already does all that with a little assistance and having a child who screams and attacks constantly to get is way is just too much. We raised Tea VERY differently.

And she thinks that she's the BEST person to raise your daughters too?! My God she is nuts!! I'm so sorry for the way she has raised your son and I can imagine how hard it must be to not have all your children together because of the actions of his legal guardians. She's got the nerve to judge you but she's clearly never looked in the mirror and taken a good, hard look at how she's 'raised' your son. Siblings should never be separated (my own personal opinion) but in saying that, you have to put the safety of your 2 little ones first too.

Yes she does,honestly I believe she just wants a girl now. She raised her 3 kids, my DH and his 2 sisters, they never had a photo from when they were toddlers that they didn't have a beer or a joint in their hand, she thought it was funny when she showed me a photo of my husband with a beer in one hand and a joint in the other standing in his walker. He also got ahold of Meth pills and it nearly killed him, I see why he became an addict and had to work so hard to get clean.
It is hard to see how she raised him but being around him is so dang difficult and stressful because he screams and is so violent if he doesn't get his way. Tea is so much better behaved even if she's tired, she's 2. It's just very sad to see him be so awful,especially when people ask how old Tea is, how old Mikey is then say oh how sweet and good she is while glaring at my mil and Mikey. Urg! It would be a danger to Tea, me and this baby if we took him back. By the end of our visits we're all drained and have splitting headaches while Tea just acts like she's overwhelmed. Probably from Mikey screaming and throwing fits so much. Arg!

If your MIL found it funny to bring out a photo of hubby as a toddler with a joint and beer in his hands I worry about your little boy. I support your fears of what could happen to your girls if you re-gain custody of your little boy but I also fear for his future. Is there any way you can give CPS involved to have him uplifted to a foster home? He needs someone with a lot of love, time and patience to change years of habit and hopefully, enough change that it's safe for him to be with you again. None of you should have to feel drained and exhausted either. I worry about you all. However, in saying that, I understand why you are hesitant to apply to have him back and I hope as he gets older he becomes more aware of his actions and is able to turn his life around not only himself, but with you and your partner supporting him. His Grandmother sounds like she needs a serious reality check in child rearing, manners, interactions with other children and safety.

 

[Teasangelmom]

Yes she does. If we got cps involved they'd do what they did once before with Tea. They called CPS and told them we had no food, Tea was starving and my DH was abusing her. It happened when she was 9-10 months old. It was obviously majorly unfounded they just checked we had food, Tea was gaining weight and had no bruises and interviewed me then dropped the case. They seemed to think it was someone's vindetta,it was. Stephanie wanted Tea, she even asked his sister to take Tea after she was born. Thats the main reason I'm scared to file with Cps, DHs dad is a federal cop and very very good at flashing his badge and screaming until he gets his way. I know nothing is wrong with Tea or our home besides unfolded laundry, lol, but it still scares me. I do understand what you're saying. I just don't know how to accomplish it without risking us problems.

 

[Talia12]

Can't you try contacting them again and warning them that she's likely to say something untrue about how you're raising your daughter now? Plus if they can see that that's what she did last time, and it wasn't true, they'll be expecting it. But they'll still be able to check on the situation with your son

 

[Teasangelmom]

Can't you try contacting them again and warning them that she's likely to say something untrue about how you're raising your daughter now? Plus if they can see that that's what she did last time, and it wasn't true, they'll be expecting it. But they'll still be able to check on the situation with your son

Yes we could but she'll lie like she does now, saying that all of his behavior is from me having done drugs and nothing to do with how they raised him. Everything that ever happens to him is always my fault even if it's an ear infection or something unrelated. It's just the way she is. They have the Federal police on their side and our record of having used drugs including my husbands arrest over 4 years ago to use against us. It just really terrifies me. I know how hard we worked to be sober and how far we've come having and raising our daughter. We've come along way in 4 years but to them nothing is ever good enough. They still accuse my husband of being high. It will never change.

 

[WackyMumof2]

DHs dad is a federal cop and very very good at flashing his badge and screaming until he gets his way.

Urgh, there is nothing more sickening than people who use their position of power as a way to intimidate other people.

 

[Sarahcake]

It sounds like you need to be far away from these people, like on a more long term basis. Social services, or children's services have a duty of care to the whole family once they have been involved. I would be inclined to contact them and tell them the stress that they are putting upon yourself and your husband, gather any evidence of this as you can, father in law being mouthy and using his position to scare you, mother in law's constant threats and allegations. I would tell then that you need help relocating away from this stress, that you have made mistakes but you are both clean and getting on with your lives and will take any test that they want to prove that, you just need help getting your family away from this toxic situation.

I wouldn't want to be in the same city as them let alone there be a possibility that she's going to be in there when you give birth, fuck that.

 

[Talia12]

That's really sad and scary for your son and his future then.

 

[Teasangelmom]

We actually found a new house and we'll be moving in the next 2 months. It's in another city but close enough to see my parents regularly as they are a great support system and love their grand daughter more than anything! If she couldn't see them like she does now at least 3 times a month she'd be devastated. It's smaller than what we are in now but has a small yard for our dog and Tea, plus it's in a much better town.... No more crazy drug addicts on the streets or at least not like this town