MIL making it known not happy with homebirth RANT

[Jodie.82]

my OH told me today his mum was asking lots of questions about our MW, first of all he had to confirm to her about 5 times its a MW delivering the baby and not a doctor! she was then asking if the MW had ever lost a baby! would you ask a hospital if they had ever lost a baby? she seems to think that we made our choices of having a homebirth due to money and is now offering to pay for the birth in a hospital in Lima! If i had made my choices just based on money I would have stayed in England for the birth and had whatever kind I wanted on the NHS! my MIL is lovely, really genuinely lovely, but here in Peru, well in the capital where she is from, when you are pregnant you book yourself in for a nice swift uncomplicated c section (their view not mine). if you are in the minority that dont then you at least get induced, epidural and probably then a c section anyway as you´ve brought on labour unaturally and then of course there is the money aspect, they earn more for c section so i would probably be told im too small to deliver naturally (lots of OH friends have had this!) they scare everyone into c section and for sure if your labour doesnt progress within the acceptable amount of time they will send you in for one.
Obviously Ive not made my decision lightly on where and how to give birth to my baby, as someone who has already lost one child im all too well aware of our mortality and scared that things can go wrong, im not going to just think oh yeah I will run off and give birth in a field without any help or back up plan, this is something I have put a huge amount of thought and time into and had to consider going back to england etc and weigh up all my options. The more I learnt about home and natural birthing the more I realised it was the right option for me, I hate hospitals, having seen my Dad and baby girl treated and not saved in them they are medical places that remind me of illness and death and I want my babies birth to be an amazing natural experience bringing him or her into the world the same way he or she was made!
sorry for the long rant, just feel like it was hard enough getting OH to see that it wasnt best to just go and get a "safe c section without any risks" in the first place, now with only 7 weeks until the birth I dont want these doubts or stresses put in his mind! why do people find it so hard to let someone birth naturally when its been happening since the beginning of time?

 

[Mervs Mum]

You know what Jodie....you that perfectly. Why don't you say those very words to her? x

 

[chuck]

Well at the end of the day does it really matter what that blimin busy body thinks?

She isnt going to be birthing the baby, so eff her!

You ned to do what you are comfortable with and you clearly have found an excellent MW.

 

[beccad]

I find it amazing how birth is viewed so differently in different countries. It seems that, relatively speaking, we have a very non-medicalised way of doing birth in the UK. Vaginal birth is the norm, although I expect a lot of that is based on cost. When I was watching that OBEM USA the other day, there didn't seem to be any other option for pain relief than an epidural, which seemed a bit odd, and it all seemed very medical with doctors rather than midwives doing the births, pulling the babies out of the women rather than waiting for them to birth on their own. (Maybe they couldn't because of the epidural?)

To the OP - I'd go easy on your MIL, she's probably just worried about you and the baby. If you've never known anyone give birth vaginally, and possibly there's plenty of horror stories doing the rounds, then there's reasons why she's questioning you so much. You know it'll probably all be ok, as it happens all the time in the UK, but if she's not encountered it before then it'll take a while to come round to the idea I guess!

 

[Mervs Mum]

I think becca is right in that your MIL is probably very scared. I was reading Ina May's new book and she was talking about speaking to med students in brazil where the CS rate in urban hospitals is round the 95% mark. Th female students closed their eyes and wouldnt look at a very peaceful picture of a woman giving birth vaginally with a look of almost sheer joy on her face. They just couldnt look because of the deep ingrained fear of normal birth. These were med students!! So yes your MIL is probably very scared because of the culture of birth there in Peru. If she were my MIL over in the UK I might have more of a 'tell her to keep her neb out' approach but in the circumstances I'd say like becca, go easy and just explain in how you did in your OP.

 

[chuck]

I will hasten to add dont tell her to eff off....just thank her for her input and offer but you know what you would prefer and you have done your research.

Perhaps get her a copy of Ina May's book.

 

[chuck]

This is a useful one for those who think a planned CS is safer
https://childbirthconnection.org/article.asp?ck=10166#systematic

 

[Nikki_d72]

Oh Hon, I feel for you, you don't need negativity at this time, though it does sound like she's more to be pitied than scolded, IYKWIM?

Just tell her what you told us but she may never come around to your way of thinking, you have to be prepared for that.

You can only re-iterate to your DH your researched reasons and remind him of the stats in the area and why you don't want to become one of them.

I know I'd get a similar reaction from my own mother, so I'm not telling her! I told her the other day that I wasn't going for an elective section and she nearly freaked out, never mind telling her I'm doing it at home! So I know I've made the right decision, I'll tell her afterwards. It's a wee bit sad though, as it would have been nice to share the birth with her on Skype, but as my DH said "Oh my God, she'd be shouting instructions to you through the computer!!", he's right, unfortunately.

All the best hon, I'm sure after all this your OH won't jump sides on you, be strong!

XXX

 

[Jodie.82]

thanks for the support ladies!

:ROFL: chuck!

the problem with me telling her, is my spanish is awful! so its all through OH which I think makes it harder as I would like to have a proper talk with her about it but its too difficult in my broken spanish. it was always my choice when it came down to it, but it would just be nice to not have the negativity there . ALthough I agree with you all she doesnt mean any harm by it, she wants what is best for her son and unborn grandchild and she doesnt know differently.

MM thats mad about Brazil, since the past year of living out here though im not surprised as that is really how the attitudes are here, if you have money you have a c section.

Oh thats a shame Nikki! My mum is luckily well into the idea now and will be watching by skype!

 

[lozzy21]

I had the same for my MIL but i told her i wasent silly and wouldent do it if it wasent safe, they are far more risks with a section compared to a home birth.

 

[chuck]

I LOVE the skype idea.

My Mum was around for my labour but when I transferred she stayed at home with Dewi.

 

[MackMomma8]

I find it amazing how birth is viewed so differently in different countries. It seems that, relatively speaking, we have a very non-medicalised way of doing birth in the UK. Vaginal birth is the norm, although I expect a lot of that is based on cost. When I was watching that OBEM USA the other day, there didn't seem to be any other option for pain relief than an epidural, which seemed a bit odd, and it all seemed very medical with doctors rather than midwives doing the births, pulling the babies out of the women rather than waiting for them to birth on their own. (Maybe they couldn't because of the epidural?)

Pregnancy is seen as somewhat of a 'disease' that women need to be 'cured' of here in the US. Okay, that's a REALLY cynical POV, but it's not far off the actual truth. The average, 'normal' labor and delivery in the US goes like this:

Woman starts having contractions, perhaps her water breaks. They then rush to the hospital, are admitted to the delivery ward, and hooked up to an internal heart monitor (to monitor baby's heartbeat), a contractions monitor (goes around the belly, measures the length/intensity of uterine contractions), and an IV for fluids. You are checked on every half hour or so, where they check your dilation (even if it's unnecessary), ask you if you want an epidural, and maybe, if you're lucky, offer you some ice chips. A lot of the time your own doctor, the one whom you've been seeing for all your prenatal visits, isn't even the one who delivers your baby, it's whoever's on staff that day. You aren't allowed to eat or drink ANYTHING once you enter the hospital.

You also aren't allowed to leave, either, for any reason, until your baby is born and they say you can leave. They have a social worker who walks out of the hospital with you to make sure you have a proper carseat to drive baby home in, and that it's properly installed.

I could go on and on and on about how I feel the healthcare system in my country is 100% broken. I want nothing to do with doctors or hospitals, ever. We haven't even started trying yet and I know I want a homebirth!!

 

[sarajane]

Hey girls,

Sorry to but in I had my baby in March. I live in Spain and my OH is Colombian and I am British... and I tell you, the cultural differences are so wide, it´s ridiculous.

In Spain I wanted a natural birth and the doctors, nurses and MWs looked at me like I was absolutely mental. Here it is epidural or nothing! So, I decided I didnt want anything. In order to do this, I decided to labour as much at home as possible until I had to go to hospital (They don´t do home births) I got there at 6cm and got shouted at for not coming earlier. Most Spanish women go in as soon as waters break/ contractions start and have epi asap so a lot of the mums I had spoken to previously told me they didn´t even know what labour felt like! But anyway, I managed it without any medication and it was great

Moving on to Colombian MIL ... man is she getting to me. My little boy is now three months old, and she has done nothing but tell me exactly how I HAVE to bring up my baby, and if I don´t abide, I´m the worst mother ever! For example, my son has a belly button that sticks out quite a lot and I have been told that I have to "Fajar" ( I think its like wrap a cotton thing a bit like a bandage round his belly like a corset) him 24 hours a day otherwise his belly button is going to stay out and its ugly... and one day she saw on skype (She lives in Colombia) that i didnt have it on him and went absolutely ballistic! I mean seriously... he´s my little boy, I think he´s perfect and I don´t see why I have to listen to her! GRrrrrr , I feel your pain girls! But, just ignore them, it´s your baby, so your choices!!!!

 

[sarajane]

I find it amazing how birth is viewed so differently in different countries. It seems that, relatively speaking, we have a very non-medicalised way of doing birth in the UK. Vaginal birth is the norm, although I expect a lot of that is based on cost. When I was watching that OBEM USA the other day, there didn't seem to be any other option for pain relief than an epidural, which seemed a bit odd, and it all seemed very medical with doctors rather than midwives doing the births, pulling the babies out of the women rather than waiting for them to birth on their own. (Maybe they couldn't because of the epidural?)

Pregnancy is seen as somewhat of a 'disease' that women need to be 'cured' of here in the US. Okay, that's a REALLY cynical POV, but it's not far off the actual truth. The average, 'normal' labor and delivery in the US goes like this:

Woman starts having contractions, perhaps her water breaks. They then rush to the hospital, are admitted to the delivery ward, and hooked up to an internal heart monitor (to monitor baby's heartbeat), a contractions monitor (goes around the belly, measures the length/intensity of uterine contractions), and an IV for fluids. You are checked on every half hour or so, where they check your dilation (even if it's unnecessary), ask you if you want an epidural, and maybe, if you're lucky, offer you some ice chips. A lot of the time your own doctor, the one whom you've been seeing for all your prenatal visits, isn't even the one who delivers your baby, it's whoever's on staff that day. You aren't allowed to eat or drink ANYTHING once you enter the hospital.

You also aren't allowed to leave, either, for any reason, until your baby is born and they say you can leave. They have a social worker who walks out of the hospital with you to make sure you have a proper carseat to drive baby home in, and that it's properly installed.

I could go on and on and on about how I feel the healthcare system in my country is 100% broken. I want nothing to do with doctors or hospitals, ever. We haven't even started trying yet and I know I want a homebirth!!

It´s pretty much the same in Spain, except they make you stay in hospital for 2 days, and they really don´t care whether you have a car seat or not :S

 

[Jodie.82]

Hey girls,

Sorry to but in I had my baby in March. I live in Spain and my OH is Colombian and I am British... and I tell you, the cultural differences are so wide, it´s ridiculous.

In Spain I wanted a natural birth and the doctors, nurses and MWs looked at me like I was absolutely mental. Here it is epidural or nothing! So, I decided I didnt want anything. In order to do this, I decided to labour as much at home as possible until I had to go to hospital (They don´t do home births) I got there at 6cm and got shouted at for not coming earlier. Most Spanish women go in as soon as waters break/ contractions start and have epi asap so a lot of the mums I had spoken to previously told me they didn´t even know what labour felt like! But anyway, I managed it without any medication and it was great

Moving on to Colombian MIL ... man is she getting to me. My little boy is now three months old, and she has done nothing but tell me exactly how I HAVE to bring up my baby, and if I don´t abide, I´m the worst mother ever! For example, my son has a belly button that sticks out quite a lot and I have been told that I have to "Fajar" ( I think its like wrap a cotton thing a bit like a bandage round his belly like a corset) him 24 hours a day otherwise his belly button is going to stay out and its ugly... and one day she saw on skype (She lives in Colombia) that i didnt have it on him and went absolutely ballistic! I mean seriously... he´s my little boy, I think he´s perfect and I don´t see why I have to listen to her! GRrrrrr , I feel your pain girls! But, just ignore them, it´s your baby, so your choices!!!!

thats mad! that dont even bother trying! its so like that in the capital of Peru, they are mostly encouraged to book c sections for various reasons, baby too big ive heard a few times and babies have been between 3 and 3.5 kgs!!!! mum too small?????!?!??! and OH´s sister had too elective c section as she "was too worried she wouldnt be able to do it"! they dont even consider trying!

I was about to say I feel sorry for you having your MIL right there interfering when mine is a flight away but yours is even further and causing more trouble! you poor thing! your son looks adorable and perfect dont worry about all that Fajar nonsense!!!! thats mad! I have been warned that peruvians will put in their opinions very strongly after having my baby. Ive already been told to go home as I shouldnt be out on about the 3 occasions I have accompanied OH to work during pregnancy (he´s a dj)

 

[sarajane]

Hey, maybe it´s a Latin thing, his mum and even his childless sister have been very opinionated on what i can and cant do! Apparently you´re not supposed to go out for 40 days after birth, otherwise you will get very sick or have lots of problems. I went out after 2 days and got loads of problems from them. For example his other sis has 3 kids and she went out before 40 days and she now suffers migraines, and his mum said its because she went out!

But I told my OH to either make sure they back off or I´m going to lose it! It sounds weird but generally they are nice people they just think my son is theirs haha. I´m going to Colombia at Christmas so we´ll see how that goes :s.

How is life generally in Peru anyway, what made you choose to live there? (Apart from OH obviously!)

 

[Mervs Mum]

The only bit I do kind of buy into is the 40 days thing. I think we rush to be out and back to normal. I actually think I'd go bonkers before 40 days but I do think women should try to stay home and have a proper baby moon, with limited visitors for as long as possible and really a week would be my own minimum.

 

[indigo_fairy]

The only bit I do kind of buy into is the 40 days thing. I think we rush to be out and back to normal. I actually think I'd go bonkers before 40 days but I do think women should try to stay home and have a proper baby moon, with limited visitors for as long as possible and really a week would be my own minimum.

I totally agree with this bit, having time to bond and limiting visitors for a short while. I'm definitely planning minimum visitors for limited times, bit off topic but last time even though I'd had an EMCS I remember getting up in pain and making tea while my 'guests' sat down and cuddled my baby. Not this time!

It also reminds me of when I've overheard mums at the pre-school saying a couple of days after having their baby they were into a routine and wanted to get back to normal as quick as possible. Which is sometimes followed with, "thats why I didn't bother with the hassle of BFing, so much easier to give a bottle every x hours" Not to mention handing baby over pretty much straight away to grandparents so they can still do whatever they did before baby came. I wonder why do these people have babies?

 

[Jodie.82]

definitely a latin thing sarajane!! my MIL really really is a lovely woman, I just think she cannot understand at all why you would birth at home unless it was because you were too poor for hospital! she is coming to stay with us and wanted to try and be here for the birth and I said to OH nooooo, but that was when she thought it would be in a hospital, pretty sure she wont want to be there now! think she´d like to encapsulate my placenta for me!!???
I was travelling round the world when I met my OH, I wouldnt be living in Peru otherwise, accept that I met him and fell in love! but its so relaxed and chilled and beautiful here, we live in Cusco neaar Machu Pichu, very very different to the capital! its a lovely outdoorsy lifestyle..not sure whether we will go back to London one day for when bubs goes to school!?

MM & Indigo, I agree I think im going to stay put for about a week or two, I will go for little walks for fresh air but thats about it! my mum is coming out 4 weeks after due date so then I will be ready to adventure out with baby

 

[indigo_fairy]

Go on ask ! I wonder if it'd be as shocked as my mum if I asked her