MIL Vent/rant...

[Monzter79]

My MIL is giving me grief. Indirect, passive-aggressive, and undeserved grief.

I've always tried to maintain a good relationship with her. In the past, things were really good. I encourage my husband to call her and stay connected. I drag him to family functions that he does not want to go to, because I think family is important. Not always fun... But important! Well Apparently I'm keeping him away etc. That's normal MIL BS.

Apparently, I don't call her enough. Whatever- my DH isn't expected to call my mom. Besides, I do call her- when I want to hear someone drone on about themselves without asking me how I am, or if they DO ask- having them change the subject back to themselves before I've said a thing. She doesn't hear a word I say, or anyone else really.

We made plans to cook together for thanksgiving, my idea. We called her 3 times to try and get organized. She relegated us off to bringing dessert, and even though we wear funny hats and take family pic at every holiday- she'd "just done her hair", so the hats I brought just sat there. The hats I purchased while all excited that we were all going to cook together. HOWEVER, she traveled to see her daughter for Xmas this year, and DID wear the Xmas hats her daughter got, took SEVERAL family pics in them, and then knowingly texted them to every single family member that I was presently having dinner with...except me. Which launched a conversation where basically everybody told me she's been talking snap about me. I've been feeling pretty hurt by that. I feel she's attacked my character.

When she found out I was pregnant, she seemed very excited, and went on and on about throwing me a shower. I very tactfully asked her about it since- and she blew me off. Guys, that's REALLY poor form. I don't care what she THINKS I did. You don't offer a shower and back out by acting like it never happened. It's my first baby and her first grandchild. My child deserves to be welcomed by his father's side. It's not about the stuff. I have stuff. It's about being pulled in closer by family, and a show of support. I have no family here except for them. And she's bad mouthing me to everyone. If she hadn't offered, at least it would've left the door open for someone else to maybe offer. Or for me to tactfully bring it up at least!

I don't believe I've DONE anything wrong. This has all cropped up since I've been pregnant. I think she's already thinking that I'm "keeping her from her grandchild" and spinning into her usual drama. That's what I REALLY believe this is about. She sees me as a barrier between her and her grandchild (really not my fault at the moment!), and she's reacting (albeit childishly) to that perceived injustice- preemptively. She's exerting "control" and expressing herself very passive aggressively. Or maybe she's just being a bitch to get out of doing a shower? I don't know.

She has some vision that I'm going to have the baby and then she's just going to carry him off into the sunset. Ummmm, no. Yes, there will be boundaries. No, she won't like them. No, I won't "keep him from" her insofar as disallowing contact. But, will she see him as often as she wants?? No. It's not humanly possible. Will she get to do whatever she wants? No. It's MY kid. Sorry, not sorry.

I dunno... Anyone else have a MIL get all weird once the baby is on it's way?? My plan is to just take the high road. Don't add fuel, and don't let her see it getting to me. If anything needs to be addressed- I'll do it right at that moment. And I'm going to TRY not to be angry.

 

[THart]

Sounds rough, but I don't believe the solution is sweeping it under the rug. She is an adult, your are an adult, why not just talk to her privately and get everyone's feelings sorted out before the baby comes and things escalate.

 

[Kato2]

What does your husband say about how she is treating you? I personally would have my husband broach the subject with her and ensure she knew that it was not acceptable

 

[Monzter79]

I don't think talking it out is going to work with her. She doesn't HEAR people. Really, it's bizarre! I have no issue being direct and having a discussion. I have no problem letting someone know how I feel in the moment, getting it done- moving on. I have no issue with accountability either.

My intention isn't to sweep anything away really. I've seen how she obsesses and works against people who've found themselves on her bad side. I just never thought that knife would be turned on me. My intention is to deal with things directly, as they come up, in the present moment. Not to indulge in digs or bad mouthing or backstabbing. It's more about picking my battles and leading by example. I believe you teach people how to treat you.

If I indulge her underhanded maneuvers by paying them extra attention, I'm rewarding a behavior that I don't agree with. Also, I can't address things she's said behind my back without throwing others under the bus, and it just puts me (and them) in an even worse situation!

My husband thinks she's being awful to me, and takes my side 100%. He gave up on her a long time ago and I think he's relieved that I finally "get it". All this time I've been encouraging him to let it go, and move on. "You only get one mom." His father also took my side (I heard through the grapevine), and said he couldn't understand what the problem was- I've always been "nice as pie". I'm sure that was absolutely not helpful!

I have asked my husband to leave it alone for harmony's sake at this point. No matter what he does- in her eyes it will only seem like I put him up to it. He stands up for me when she discredits me or catches a little dig. But no, he hasn't drawn a line in the sand so to speak... He's had YEARS to perfect ignoring her and avoiding her. That's what he has always done. He's absolutely ready to set her straight- especially with the baby coming. But I have a BAD feeling that confronting her would lead to a whole LOT more drama.

I don't think what I do matters much at this point. I become the mother and she becomes the Grandmother. She just turned 60. Her children are grown and this is a big change for her too. Perhaps a difficult one... If it's me she's chosen to target with that angst- there's nothing to be done. Other than conducting myself in a way I can be proud of. Not always easy! ;-)

 

[sunshine2014]

I can relate to your situation, but I will say you are handle it much more maturely than me. My MIL sounds exactly like yours, unfortunately we have never been close. She always gives me digs, doesn't show an interest and talks over me once I finally give a reply to something she's asked. I'm a sensitive person so it really is not s good mix. I've tried to not take things personally, or vent to my DH as he also knows what she's like, but it's so hard! When we told her I was pregnant the first time she didn't say anything to me at all. She didn't ask how I was, how things were going etc. my DH told her I was sick and she sent me a Facebook cartoon image of a little man being being sick :S. When he told her I had lost the baby, also nothing from her. She is a very awkward person and has never felt comfortable around me. Vice versa. They are coming her in a few days and DH wants to tell them while they are here. I really don't want to, but I know I need to be respectful.

Oh MIL. So so frustrating. That being said, my mom is literally the dream MIL. I only wish I had her lol

 

[calm81]

Wow! Did I write this? You are experiencing the same passive aggressive crap I've endured for a few years, now. My MIL is very passive aggressive and turns on the water works to get everyone mad at me if I don't adhere to her wants. Like you, in the beginning I was always the one,"hey honey, have you called your mom to say happy birthday?...did you get her a mother's day gift? No? okay, I'll get her something when I pick out my moms gift." Along those lines, trying my best to keep us all close...until I figured out her personality.

My husband is a mommas boy and close with his ENTIRE family. Siblings and mother have to be in my business constantly and tell me,"I would have done it this way, and I would have done that differently.." blah blah. They start drama with me if I don't agree to the smallest of things. If you're curious, I do have some posts relating to this exact topic if you're bored and looking to read some relative experiences.

Like a previous poster said, my MOM is the MIL I would dream to have, damn lucky hubby I have. My mother doesn't butt in to anything and is so hip and clever, funny and keeps any comments to herself. She's the "I raised my kids, have fun with yours..." type, meaning, she won't throw unwanted advice around if it wasn't asked ...love her. I on the other hand get treated like a black sheep if I don't call HIS MOM weekly. I don't even call my own COOLER mom weekly and NEVER expected my hubby to call my mom nor does he on his own accord.

Aside from the Christmas hats you were talking about, our situation is identical. She complains I don't want to spend time with her and his side of the family, so I invited them over for Thanksgiving dinner, she accepted the invite and didn't show.

I have no real advice to give, still in the battle myself, I've pretty much closed off emotion to that family, yes "that" family, no longer dh's family or in-laws, their just known as "that" family. Good luck girlie.

 

[greats]

With my first pregnancy my MIL gave me soooo much grief it was ridiculous! I cried every day bc of her rude remarks. It was terrible. I refuse to go through that ever again and have already put my foot down with this pregnancy. Don't let her walk all over you or it's going to get worse after baby is born, trust me. My MIL used to pull the old oh you're never going to let me see my grand baby, you guys hate me, etc. like shut up woman! You make me hate you with your dumb remarks! Lol she still tells my 2 year old oh you don't like me, you never come by me, etc. She's 2 and you never see her even though we invite you over all the time.

Why are MILs so difficult? If I have a son I am going to be one awesome MIL one day haha

 

[flou]

I normally get on relatively well with my MIL but since I've been expecting we have definitely been clashing. The most recent is on baby names. My DH is welsh and so is all of his mum's side of the family. She thinks my lil man should have a traditional welsh name. Even though my DH doesn't as pointed out to her by my DH. I told her we have decided the name but we are keeping it a secret until its born. She didn't like that either and wanted us to tell her and said that she will keep it a secret. And now keeps going on oh I hope you haven't named it this. She hasn't come up with it yet but I have told her I will name my baby what i want. Its not a traditional welsh name so she will probably sulk. The baby has my DH's surname, two middle names, one from his family and one from mine and a first name we both like. The middle name from his family comes from his father's side so she probably won't like that!

 

[Monzter79]

Clearly I'm not alone in this! Lol I welcome all MIL vent/rants because even though it may not be overtly productive- it just feels good to get it out!!

how am I expected to apologize or "fix" something I didn't break?? I'm sorry I don't CALL HER enough to keep her informed on my life. Sorry I'm not more there for her and supportive and reassuring and helpful- so she can feel more secure in her role as grandmother... It's not like I'm pregnant for the first time or anything!

She has her head up her ass. I am going to handle this best way possible. HOWEVER, make no mistake... I am aggravated as HELL. She's not being helpful. She's being a judgmental, naggy, negative, complaining, needling, underhanded, beeatch- who runs her mouth about every single minute detail she's privy to about me and DH. Honestly, I don't have time for it. Everything is about me and the baby right now. I'm not sorry! Bigger fish to fry.

I sure wish I could trust the closest experienced mother/matriarch in my life to come in to my home/space without judging me, looking for errors or flaws to pick apart, correcting me, telling me how to feel, etc. - and just to be there with some love and understanding. Wouldn't that be amazing??? It makes me sad.

If I don't let her do things "her way" she's gonna have fits and act all kinds of unloved/unwanted. Which is basically an ultimatum- her way or the highway, really! I'm terrified she's going to pick up the baby and ignore me when I ask for him back, and how I may respond... 8-o!

How is flaking out on my shower in spite, putting me down, making me feel judged, being petty and underhanded ,etc.- going to help her to feel more involved in my life?

You know what's NOT smart? Complaining out one side of your mouth about not seeing your son and grandson, while dissing the wife/mother out the other side. That is the most bassackward & counterproductive "plan" I've ever heard of... Bravo! Genius.

 

[Emmyjean]

I'm sorry you're going through this - it's really difficult to know what to do, and I can relate as well. My DH didn't have the best childhood - he wasn't a planned child, and neither of his parents ever really bothered to hide the fact that they had lives they wanted to get on with that didn't really involve him (his mom wanted to party/date, his dad started another family with his second wife).

Now, in his adulthood, they want him to put them and their desire to be involved in his life at a constant priority to assuage some of their guilt about the past without actually having to admit that any distance in their relationship with him is their fault, as opposed to his (if that makes sense). His dad is more militant/outright blaming about it, while his mom is more guilt-tripping/manipulative. She wasn't so bad at first because she was living with a boyfriend, but they broke up shortly before my first son was born and since then -partially due to neediness and partially due to loneliness/boredom - has gotten progressively worse.

She calls him every single day with requests ranging from the small (come over and hang pictures for me, come change the oil in my car) to the large (She needs him to drive her to her out-of-state sister's house for the weekend, or saying her lease is up and she needs a place to live for a few months). She calls and wants to do something with us every weekend, and if we do acquiesce, she asks what we're doing the next day and the next. It's so bad that now, if I mention in casual conversation (for example) that we have plans to try a new restaurant for my brother's birthday or something, she insists that she wants to be included/join us.

More recently, because obviously we do NOT give her everything she asks for with regards to our time/attention, she's been dropping hints about it being because of me and my insistence on putting my family before her or putting the kibosh on plans that involve her because I don't want to hang out with her. She hasn't gone whole hog with this yet but I know our "come to Jesus" moment can't be far off. So...yes, I feel your pain.

The unfortunate thing I've learned is that when you're dealing with a high level of selfishness combined with a low level of self-awareness, it's very hard to make a dent with anything you do/say and often, you end up going in circles to no avail. DH has tried multiple techniques over the years to try and get them to see his side of things - from compromise to confrontation to avoidance - and nothing's really changed. If anything, it just continues to worsen as his own family grows and they feel more urgency to somehow ensure their presence in the kids' lives.

I agree with others in that you should try and let your husband take the lead - it's good that he has your back on all this, and in the end, it's better if he takes the responsibility for dealing with his own family so that they don't have as much opportunity to scapegoat you. But by the same token, you don't have to roll over and take abuse in the name of keeping the peace - you're perfectly within your rights to defend yourself and, if you get to that point, I'd say you should definitely be proactive and set up a time to have a frank, honest and firm discussion with MIL instead of waiting until the heat of a moment when you're in danger of exploding and making more mess for yourself.

Hopefully that makes sense, and hang in there. You aren't alone!