Mothers and mil, setting boundries

[Lilyen Snape]

You may not all agree with me but it really annoys me the lack of credit given to new mothers or even just mothers theses days. We seem to have problems with our mothers or MILs and people just don't seem to understand (husband!). Back when my mother gave birth and her mother before her there was hardly any help available, be it financial or just medical so they relied a lot on their mothers help. But now these days we have so much help that we rely less on our mothers help and feel more capable in handling parenting alone. The other day my mil told me not to listen to my mid wife because mid-wives don't know what they are talking about!! i told her kindly that times have changed and i would rather listen to updated information then out dated. she kept using the phase "well i did this and that and none of my babies died or they were just fine!" i told her that maybe she should tell that to the 600 other mothers that did the something that year and their babies are dead! that shut her up! I'm just really pissed off that most pregnant woman are looked at either by their mother or mil as a second chance to rekindle their maternal instinct or just plan useless. Unfortunately for me my husband leaves on the 16th for a 6 month deployment and my mother and mil are going through menopause!! they are also fighting over who gets to stay with me and stuff like that! they are acting like children! Now no one is staying with me! i have a good network of officer wives and friends that i can rely on. But you know the arguments still flare up!

mil; "why does your mother get to stay for two weeks? fine! I'm coming before her to stay just after the baby is born for a week!".
my mother; " your mil wont be there for the birth will she? if so I'm coming before she does!!"

i think I'm taking my frustration out on my husband sometimes because its as if I've been thrown in the lions den with a piece of meat. its not his fault but i can't help it. I have made rules for mother and mil that no one will be getting a labor txt! not till baby is born and i'm settled in my room! they don't need to know that i'm going to spend a few hours pushing a baby through my vagina! Think i deserve at lest a little dignity and privacy. 2nd no one is to visit the hospital till the 2nd or 3rd day! baby isn't going to grow wings and fly away within that short time so i'm going to take that time to relax and recover after all that's what a hospital stay is for not a book signing! I don't want to feel pressured into recovering or hiding the fact that i'm in pain just so people can visit! And 3rd i will ask for help when needed! im not pushing people away im just setting boundaries for my mental health and my baby's care. sometimes mothers and mils need to back off and give us more credit!

oh sorry for this rant!

 

[CordeliaJ]

I completely understand how you feel.

For me, my own mother is worse than my MIL. I'm amazed actually that my MIL has given advice but at the same time, is trying to let me get on with it and won't come over until we feel ready to have people visit.

My mother however, is insisting on staying with us 2 weeks before the birth up until I give with..which if I'm a week late will be 3 weeks. We live in a tiny flat and she has to sleep on the sofa AND she's a pain in the ass. I told her she could not stay after the baby is born, but I think she's going to find a way to be here anyway. She keeps saying how she wants to meet the baby straight away and spend time with him. I will have only just met my son! Why can't DH and I have some time getting to know him? I hate that family feel they get to be so pushy like this. My mum didn't have anyone do this to her when she was in that position.

Anyway, I think it's important to set boundaries, and with you, for example, perhaps you could say "no one is visiting in the first week, you'll have to fight amongst yourselves to decide who is visiting during the second week". You shouldn't have to choose between mother and MIL, they need to deal with it themselves, they are grown women.

 

[MumMumMum]

I have the opposite problem with my in laws. They just aren't interested! They asked again this weekwnd when baby is due and everytime her name has been mentioned we've had to remind them what we've chosen!

We're not telling them until after baby is born and they are not allowed to visit in the hospital.

After their recent behaviour they'll be lucky to hear from us at all in future!

My mum lives close by and is having dd while we are at the hospital. Last time she wanted to be there but I was honest and said we wanted it to just be me and dh. She got over it quickly.

 

[annio84]

I know with my mum and mil it's more a matter of jealousy between each other. We had decided early on it would just be the two of us in hospital and we don't expect to be in more than 24 hours so no visits until settled at home. We're not even telling anyone when we're in labour. When they are invited round it will be both sets together so they can't argue and we've had to very clear that noone turns up unannounced or they won't be invited in.

 

[xforuiholdonx]

My mom generally dislikes.my.mil but has not once thrown an attitude or fit like that.... my mil on the other hand, is treating me as some sort of.breeding cattle cow, and tells.me "better start pumping now, so ive gor milk for the baby!" Uhhh excuse me? Youve not taken my daughter over.night, or anywhere alone in nearly a year, your.not shoving her aside because weve got.a.newborn now! DONT THINK.SO! Furthermore, my son is not.going anywhere until I know there will be.no nipple.confusion issues, etc.

 

[MrsJP]

My mother is saying the same things- she wants to stay for a week before the baby comes and a month after, I asked her if she would help with cooking, cleaning, shopping and she said no, that's why you need to start pumping as soon as you can so I can take care of the baby while you do those things. Seriously??? So now I'm thinking that if she only wants to babysit, etc, she can come visit when we want a babysitter in a few months.

 

[mummie2be]

i'm personally having no issues with my mother, it is all my MIL. She keeps saying "well this is my grandbaby so I'll be there if I want to". It has caused a lot of tention between me and OH. She thinks she will be able to come over whenever she wants and take LO whenever/wherever she wants, which will not be happening.

 

[PrincessJJ]

i'm personally having no issues with my mother, it is all my MIL. She keeps saying "well this is my grandbaby so I'll be there if I want to". It has caused a lot of tention between me and OH. She thinks she will be able to come over whenever she wants and take LO whenever/wherever she wants, which will not be happening.

My mil has been exactly the same.... And saying she WILL be holding baby before my parents and that she gets priority. I'm dreading it. So what if its her 1st grandchild n my parents 2nd?
I have no idea what to do about it. Xxx

 

[Piper84]

It's some weird grandmother instinct. Apparently whales and dolphins have it too https://www.abc.net.au/science/articles/2003/07/17/903688.htm#.UaNUDpybE5s

My MIL was far too over the top with her first two grandchildren (niece and nephew) so learnt her lesson from that. Luckily she's not too overbearing, but is full of unwanted advice. My mum tries to restrain herself and is actually quite good, with no unwanted advice.

My dad on the other hand always gives unwanted advice on all subjects, and it was no different with LO#1. Usually it's about stuff that's different from how it was when we were babies (when parents were told babies should be put on their front to sleep, for example!) or asking me why I'm bothering to wash all the newborn clothes if they're brand new or saying I shouldn't keep things too clean because the baby has to build up its immune system. It's like, my baby can build up its immune system when it's a bit older thanks, not when it's two days old! God it's annoying.

 

[05mummy07]

I really don't know how you ladies put up with them! My OH's mum is looking forward to the birth and excited but definitely knows her place, she's taken two weeks off work for the 15th June till the 29th June to help out with our little girl, there's been no mention of coming over to interfere! I would be having serious words if she was pushy lol. My own mother puts her advice in where not wanted, but again isn't pushy, she knows when to back off and she knows I'm more than capable of looking after a baby. Hell she's even booked to go on holiday on the 9th June until the 19th so doubt she'll even be around for the birth which I'm actually really gutted about as she's been at all three of my kids births and the thought of her not being close by scares me a little bit

 

[HappiestMom]

People having babies are just like people having weddings anymore..it ends up being huge deals all about what everyone ELSE wants instead of what the two people that it matters most to want...thats why we didnt have a wedding wedding...and after being bullied into the inlaws coming when none of us were ready (we were all sick..including 3wk old LO with sinus stuff and I had horrible PPD) this time around Ive told my hubby not to plan on them coming at any certain time..first off we're having twins and who knows how early they might arrive..and idk how its gonna go with PPD this time either or if I have a c-section like last time too...so they can wait until we..or mainly until I say its ok..and even then they arent coming to stay as long as they feel like....they can stay 3-4 days MAX! they have a habit of coming for 4-5 days and staying into the next week so that is def not happening this time either... Luckily we have no problems with my family, my mom and g-ma will come and stay when I want them as long as I want them and they dont get all offended when I say that I can handle it or that I want some family time and dont need them...they are very understanding and only want to help as opposed to MIL who only cares about the babies and expects everyone else to wait on her...

 

[Lilyen Snape]

Gosh MIL is now sending txt to my husband because she knows shes getting nothing out of me. Shes so spiteful! she told my husband that I'm acting like a stubborn princess and i want everything done my way! well of course i do!' i'm sorry i didn't know i wasn't allowed freedom to make choices in my life for myself! when did my life become her concern? shes still pulling a sulk because i told her not to come to the hospital till 2 days after i give birth. now she says shes not coming because i don't want her there! well of course i don't want her there! who does?? really ask any woman that gives birth if they would like to relax and heal after giving birth or entertain people? My mid-wife said they hate people visiting because its a hospital for healing and rest not a stage performance. Also they have to keep an eye on everyone that comes for security and health reasons because so many people come when baby's immune system is just starting to kick in and sometimes baby can be stressed from to much stimulation since everyone forgets its also traumatizing for baby too. We are so stressed at home, husband is leaving on the 16th June for 6 months and i'm feeling stressed and tired of her nagging me, parents are coming for two weeks to stay with me even though they didn't even ask and i've been told that during their stay i'm going to be the night nurse for my baby thats it! during the day my mother is going to be looking after my baby! she even told me to pump milk like a cow so she can feed the baby! i can't breastfeed due to medications i take but that doesn't stop the woman in my family treating me like a useless mother already. MIL told me that i'm not going to bond with my baby just because im not breastfeeding and keeps making me feel guilty about it that i cried non stop for two months feeling like i wasn't good enough. To bad i can't just slip Castor oil in her food when shes here so she has to leave due to a stomach bug and diarrhea! I'm desperate to slam the door on their faces right now.

 

[Mum2BKW]

Wow, I'm amazed that you've put up with this nonsense for so long! Hugs!

Here's what I would do in your situation:

1. Stick you your guns with MIL. If you don't want her around for a few days after you give birth, that's YOUR choice. She'll just have to grow up and deal with that or not see her new grandchild, that's HER choice.
2. Tell your parents that you don't want them taking over the baby care. Be frank with them - say that these are your first days/weeks with YOUR new baby and that they are welcome to visit and see the baby but they will NOT be dictating how things are done or taking over babies care. You will express milk if it;'s in the best interests of your baby - not for your mother's convenience. They need to be told - it'll be hard but so much less stressful for you in the long term. If they strop about it, suggest maybe it's best that they don't come to stay if they can't respect your wishes.
3. Find some friends who can see things from your p.o.v and plan to have them round/see them lots during those first few weeks. They will support you and help you in the way that YOU need. Especially if your parents or MIL kick off - you need people nearby who have your back

Good luck!

 

[Lilyen Snape]

Thanks so much Mum2BKW for your support, i'm really nervous and can't wait for her to be here so that my husband can settle us both down for a few weeks before he leaves, that way i feel like i can handle it a bit better then if he left while i was still staying at the hospital. I feel if husband leaves, baby comes and mother and mil rush in and suffocate me I'm gonna mentally break down into depression. i asked to be induced but got a big nooo and now my doc ignores me, i know they have to take in the baby's health and everything but what about the mothers mental state? i was polite about asking too but he cut me off and said no.

 

[Mum2BKW]

You're so welcome, have some faith in yourself! I can't imagine having Hubbie go away so soon but you willcope brilliantly - you'll be an amazing Mum and just need to put some plans in place now so when baby arrives you can be as relaxed as possible. If that means a few arguments and some short term hard feelings with these relatives then I think that's better than starting out with your new baby feeling overly stressed, disrespected and ignored by people who ought to be supporting you. Try to get the boundaries in place now while you have Hubbie there to back you up.

You are stronger than you think - don't let them walk all over you.

 

[MrS. MaBrEy]

I can completely understand how you're feeling. My husband is going TDY for a bit in June and my mother is PANICKED that I won't have anyone with me when I go into labor. It really isn't that big a deal to me. He is only going to be a couple hours away so as long as I call him as soon as I head to the hospital he should be here. We live overseas so it is way different than just living a few hours away. She is so angry with me right now because we aren't willing to let her come for the birth and stay at our house for any amount of time after the birth. we told her she was welcome to pay for a hotel and get a rental to come but NO staying with us. We live in a tiny 2 bedroom apt. on the 3rd floor of a walk up...where is she planning to sleep? the stairwell? she says I am the most selfish person on the face of the earth and that I will remember this one day...fine by me! He will only be a newborn once and I deserve that time to bond with him.
My MIL planned her own visit but she is absolutely wonderful about the whole thing (don't ask me how I got so lucky!). She planned her trip, bought train tickets so that we don't have to drive to get her, got a hotel room for herself and her husband AND planned her trip for 3 weeks after my due date so that she wouldn't be imposing on our time as new parents. Of course it is causing huge issues with my mother because she won't meet the baby until he is at least 6 months old...but she has the same option that MIL has and is choosing not to do it...that makes it NOT my problem.
We are getting grief from everyone for our birth and parenting choices too. Mostly from, yet again, my mother. she is pushing me to have an elective C section...we are planning a natural water birth. she wants me to formula feed for "convenience"...we plan to breastfeed. etc etc. I'm just ignoring her as much as I can and trying to be respectful by not telling her off.

 

[Lilyen Snape]

aww poor you MrS. MaBrEy, wish my mil would learn from yours. I think it's just all excuses, i told my husband that if grandmothers were given the option to come into the the maternity and claim the baby for there own how many mothers would go home empty handed? is it really about the baby and mother or is it about them? after all your right about bonding with your baby you really need it and everyone else needs to understand that they are not a necessity in your baby's life right now i mean all they gonna do is sleep, eat, poop and other stuff. there is plenty of time for grandparents to bond with the child once it has developed a sense of self awareness after all ask them who are they doing it for? themselves or the baby? whats best for the baby is to establish its main connections with its parents to feel secure and safe. mothers and mil coming to bond with the baby are just being selfish themselves by trying to take away these moments that belong to us and i don't care if that sounds nasty because its true. I'm so sick of hearing "I'm here if you need me" everyday! all i want to do is scream "well then get off my back!!" i should write a letter to myself and my child so that when the time comes for her in the future i will remind myself of what it was like for me. also maybe i should tell her to feel free to slap me in the face if i become obsessive. obsessive and happy are to different things.

 

[PrincessJJ]

Gosh MIL is now sending txt to my husband because she knows shes getting nothing out of me. Shes so spiteful! she told my husband that I'm acting like a stubborn princess and i want everything done my way! well of course i do!' i'm sorry i didn't know i wasn't allowed freedom to make choices in my life for myself! when did my life become her concern? shes still pulling a sulk because i told her not to come to the hospital till 2 days after i give birth. now she says shes not coming because i don't want her there! well of course i don't want her there! who does?? really ask any woman that gives birth if they would like to relax and heal after giving birth or entertain people? My mid-wife said they hate people visiting because its a hospital for healing and rest not a stage performance. Also they have to keep an eye on everyone that comes for security and health reasons because so many people come when baby's immune system is just starting to kick in and sometimes baby can be stressed from to much stimulation since everyone forgets its also traumatizing for baby too. We are so stressed at home, husband is leaving on the 16th June for 6 months and i'm feeling stressed and tired of her nagging me, parents are coming for two weeks to stay with me even though they didn't even ask and i've been told that during their stay i'm going to be the night nurse for my baby thats it! during the day my mother is going to be looking after my baby! she even told me to pump milk like a cow so she can feed the baby! i can't breastfeed due to medications i take but that doesn't stop the woman in my family treating me like a useless mother already. MIL told me that i'm not going to bond with my baby just because im not breastfeeding and keeps making me feel guilty about it that i cried non stop for two months feeling like i wasn't good enough. To bad i can't just slip Castor oil in her food when shes here so she has to leave due to a stomach bug and diarrhea! I'm desperate to slam the door on their faces right now.

"Stubborn, spoilt princess" my MIL calls me..... Try not to let her get to you too much Hun, and don't worry about offending her, uv tried the nice approach. It's your life your baby. Sod every one else xxxx