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Moving On? Finding Happiness?
- Thread starter Pyrrhic
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isil
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oh hun 
For me, the relationship I'm mourning is very different (not with FOB) but the feeling like you miss the control - even though it's abuse - is something I really understand. In truth, I don't know how you get over it. because I haven't. I miss him every day.
I'm desperate for physical contact and manage to put myself in situations where I get it, but it's not what's good for me iykwim. It's been suggested to me that I might find a pattern changing course - like so you stop falling into the same trap, build you confidence etc. I don't know if I'm ready for it yet. Have you got someone from Women's Aid that you can talk to about this? I know I used to have someone where I used to live, but don't have anyone here.
I feel a bit like I need to learn to be just me and not me who's in a relationship maybe. I don't know how you learn that though!
I'm sorry, I'm not giving very good advice. I just wanted to reply
For me, the relationship I'm mourning is very different (not with FOB) but the feeling like you miss the control - even though it's abuse - is something I really understand. In truth, I don't know how you get over it. because I haven't. I miss him every day.
I'm desperate for physical contact and manage to put myself in situations where I get it, but it's not what's good for me iykwim. It's been suggested to me that I might find a pattern changing course - like so you stop falling into the same trap, build you confidence etc. I don't know if I'm ready for it yet. Have you got someone from Women's Aid that you can talk to about this? I know I used to have someone where I used to live, but don't have anyone here.
I feel a bit like I need to learn to be just me and not me who's in a relationship maybe. I don't know how you learn that though!
I'm sorry, I'm not giving very good advice. I just wanted to reply
Pyrrhic
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Thanks for the reply hun
The above really sums it up for me. I want to find me, but I don't know how to. It feels strange not even knowing who you really are. I'm 26 and was with my ex for 5.5 years. I still feel like I need him and am lost without him. My head tells me how bad he was to me, and how the fact he's never shown remorse says it all, so why do I feel like this?
There are people at WA that I can talk to, but I'm finding it really hard to open up to people in RL atm. When ex and I split a lot of friends believed him about why I left and dropped me. Not real friends, but it still hurt.
I just want to be happy again.
LittleMadam
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Give yourself time. I think you will need and want your ex for a while yet. I believe accepting the way we feel, and telling ourselves it's ok to feel the way we do, is part of the struggle.
I imagine you are feeling extremely disconnected or displaced. I find this happens when we live for someone else (even more so when that someone was so domineering).
These feelings will lessen and you WILL find yourself. Just give yourself time and take things day by day. Small steps.
Lots of hugs. xx
I imagine you are feeling extremely disconnected or displaced. I find this happens when we live for someone else (even more so when that someone was so domineering).
These feelings will lessen and you WILL find yourself. Just give yourself time and take things day by day. Small steps.
Lots of hugs. xx
ChloesMummy
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Dont have any advice hun, but I have been wondering how you and LO were getting on. I hope you find a way through all of this x
Panda_Ally
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nic! I've wondered how you were getting on, huge hugs for you and nim! I feel the same way about my relationship, its over i know that but atm i just feel so so lonely without him, i still see him everyday when he sees holly and he alwas tries to hug and kiss me etc. so its hard to move on when hes around all the time!!
My little summer resolution if you like is to use every oportunity possible to socialise, meet new people and build a support network because, like you, i do not have family around and only a few friends. I been doing this for about 3 weeks now and i have been loads of places with holly and caught up with old friends, this has helped me through a bit!
Give it time hun, grieve for your reltionship and before you know it you wont be thinking about it anymore.
always here if you ned hun xxx
Pyrrhic
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I'm doing ok, thanks hun. Getting through the days. Wish I could talk to you girls more often though
Pyrrhic
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I feel the same way about my relationship, its over i know that but atm i just feel so so lonely without him, i still see him everyday when he sees holly and he alwas tries to hug and kiss me etc. so its hard to move on when hes around all the time!!
My little summer resolution if you like is to use every oportunity possible to socialise, meet new people and build a support network because, like you, i do not have family around and only a few friends. I been doing this for about 3 weeks now and i have been loads of places with holly and caught up with old friends, this has helped me through a bit!
Give it time hun, grieve for your reltionship and before you know it you wont be thinking about it anymore.
Hey hun
I went through the whole thing with the ex trying to hug and kiss me. Now he just ignores me totally. They do eventually stop doing it!
How are you finding living on your own? I find the nights the hardest. I have a single mummy friend but her ex has her LO every night for 2 hours and every other weekend. I find I'm struggling a lot with everything. Part of me really just wants him to scoop me up and make it all go away but I know he hasn't changed. Its hard because everyone took his side. My parents haven't spoken to me since, his parents at first said they loved us both and wanted to remain neutral have since turned their backs on me, all bar 2 of my friends have stopped speaking to me.
I'll try to get out and about more, I have been lacking the motivation and I don't drive either. If I do go out then it's only to work (TA) and I don't really have any fun-time with Niamh.
I like your little summer resolution though, am glad it's working for you
Welshcob
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Hi girls. Thank you so much for your post rafwife, it came at a really good time for me!! Isil also. I am not sure I will be much help, but you might be able to kick me up the bum and maybe we can help each other along. I think RAFWife, is doing really well! you really are hon! Feb is not that long ago. Damage done with an abusive and controlling man, takes a long time to set up and it takes a long time to take away the damage too. I think the advice you were given about taking time to socialise is really important. Do you think that the women from WA group could be a support? If you are like me, you need to talk about it... and sometimes its hard!!
I promise it will get better!!! I am a long way further down the road than you, but boy, I find it hard and I realised only the other day , some of my behaviour is still formed by being around an abusive and controlling man! I panic when a text comes through and I am with a friend... how ridiculous is that?? I won't walk infront of a person who I am with, I always seem to hang back, I worry that people are going to get angry with me, for small reasons.
We split up over a year ago now... he just left when I was pregnant, but then made darned sure I was scared of him and I fled from my home in fear that he would come back and terrorise me. I changed my name. Money was too tight and so I have had to move back to where I was before, but my plan would be that if he makes trouble we both move away and he won't find us with our new names. Yet with this fear, I still remember the good bits and I am constantly having to tell myself that the good bits were not that often, mostly he was cold and nasty! But I focus unrealistically on the times when he was the kindest man I knew and I fantasise about what it could have been if he was at his best. When I miss him, its the good him I miss and I imagine how lovely it would be to be a family with that warm and gentle man... but I know now it is fantasy! that was not the real him. But it is still hard and its an up hill struggle. I often have to focus on the bad bits as its my nature to forget the bad bits and focus on the good bits. I think about the reality of him being around.... the truth is he would have left me already, because "I wasn't meeting his needs" - his words! because baby was taking my focus off him! and he would never have lifted finger to help. He would have been having tantrums the whole time.
I'm not sure if that helps at all... but what I am saying, is to not expect too much - I am a year and a half down the line and still struggle!!!
You are doing well. When you find it hard, focus on the reality of the life you had with him!
Socialise and talk about your feelings! Above all else be strong!!!! xxx
I promise it will get better!!! I am a long way further down the road than you, but boy, I find it hard and I realised only the other day , some of my behaviour is still formed by being around an abusive and controlling man! I panic when a text comes through and I am with a friend... how ridiculous is that?? I won't walk infront of a person who I am with, I always seem to hang back, I worry that people are going to get angry with me, for small reasons.
We split up over a year ago now... he just left when I was pregnant, but then made darned sure I was scared of him and I fled from my home in fear that he would come back and terrorise me. I changed my name. Money was too tight and so I have had to move back to where I was before, but my plan would be that if he makes trouble we both move away and he won't find us with our new names. Yet with this fear, I still remember the good bits and I am constantly having to tell myself that the good bits were not that often, mostly he was cold and nasty! But I focus unrealistically on the times when he was the kindest man I knew and I fantasise about what it could have been if he was at his best. When I miss him, its the good him I miss and I imagine how lovely it would be to be a family with that warm and gentle man... but I know now it is fantasy! that was not the real him. But it is still hard and its an up hill struggle. I often have to focus on the bad bits as its my nature to forget the bad bits and focus on the good bits. I think about the reality of him being around.... the truth is he would have left me already, because "I wasn't meeting his needs" - his words! because baby was taking my focus off him! and he would never have lifted finger to help. He would have been having tantrums the whole time.
I'm not sure if that helps at all... but what I am saying, is to not expect too much - I am a year and a half down the line and still struggle!!!
You are doing well. When you find it hard, focus on the reality of the life you had with him!
Socialise and talk about your feelings! Above all else be strong!!!! xxx
lou_w34
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I still dont feel like ive moved on, and its been over a year now, it makes me so angry and upset when i think of the fact that he has moved in with his gf, they had been together for like 5 months at the time, yet he was with me for 3 years and still wouldnt make that commitment to me, and now ive just found out he has taken her to meet his mum to celebrate her birthday, and he didnt once introduce me to his parents. I dont no why i let it bother me so much, i dont feel anything for him, and i would rather set myself on fire than ever be back with him, yet some part of me still cares about what he gets up too, and i have no idea why. Though i spose as time has gone on, it has gotten so much easier, i can usually laugh it off now.
Which is what will happen for you, its still early days, you will learn a new way of life and you will grow to love it, its just hard to accept the change that is happening, but time works wonders.
xx
Which is what will happen for you, its still early days, you will learn a new way of life and you will grow to love it, its just hard to accept the change that is happening, but time works wonders.
xx
Welshcob
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I still dont feel like ive moved on, and its been over a year now, it makes me so angry and upset when i think of the fact that he has moved in with his gf, they had been together for like 5 months at the time, yet he was with me for 3 years and still wouldnt make that commitment to me, and now ive just found out he has taken her to meet his mum to celebrate her birthday, and he didnt once introduce me to his parents. I dont no why i let it bother me so much, i dont feel anything for him, and i would rather set myself on fire than ever be back with him, yet some part of me still cares about what he gets up too, and i have no idea why. Though i spose as time has gone on, it has gotten so much easier, i can usually laugh it off now.
Which is what will happen for you, its still early days, you will learn a new way of life and you will grow to love it, its just hard to accept the change that is happening, but time works wonders.
xx
