Mum wont offer the same help to me with LO as she does my sister. :(

[sandilion]

Does anyone else here deal with their mother or MIL helping out your sibling with babysitting but not you? My mother looks after my sisters business and her kids every Monday, then on the Wednesday she looks after my sisters kids again. Sometimes it will be on the Tuesday as well if my sister requires it. She works from home a very relaxed quilting business she runs that my mother established and then handed it over to her my sister could have a easier life. She can easily have the kids home with her while she works, but chooses to drop them off at mum's as my sister has friends over at her place a lot too so she wants the freedom each week....Plus she is out drinking every weekend so her kids are always at my mothers house then too.

I am going back to work in Feb, i will be working 3 days a week and mum hasn't offered to take my LO on at least one of the days. MIL has, she wants him on all of the days I work but that is NOT happening after all their anti gay crap they are on about (still yet to see them since that incident as well)

I confronted my mum and asked her why is she has not offered to help me out just a little bit when i return to work. She said she doesn't want any commitments. I told her but she is committing on so and so days for my sister.... she became really angry, told me she doesn't it just turns out to be every week but she isn't committing. Pfft, whatever. I will just have to take LO to a child care. She did say she is willing to go and pick my LO up from child care if he is ever unwell on occasion.... so urges me to send him to a child care near where she lives. Im thinking i wont be relying on her at all for that.

In fairness she is willing to look after LO for me so DH and i can have a night out here and there - but yeah, that is so not often! Definitely not a weekly thing.

I just feel pretty down and disappointed in her i guess. I know she loves LO she absolutely dotes over him. She also expects me to spend a lot of my free time with her, taking her out for coffee's etc. Where my sister spends no time like that with mum nor is she expected to. But i am.

If i say no, she tries to guilt trip me. Pisses me off.

Anyone else dealing with not getting as much offers of help from their parents compared to their siblings? Does t get you down or do you just move past it and not let it worry you? I am having a bit of a hard time accepting it, amongst other things. The idea of leaving LO with people we don't know that well is getting me down and i just thought mum would want to have him for one of the days.... guess not.

Sorry i sound like such a whinger.

Maybe its for the best anyways. DH and i had a outing the other week for the first time since i fell pregnant! Anyways, LO was with mum for about 7 hours, and when i picked him up he hadn't slept once as she couldn't handle him crying at all (he settles himself after about a minute of sulking) she doesn't do any soothing techniques, and gets weird when i try to show her what LO likes...and she also didn't change his nappy at all! It was absolutely saturated.... I haven't said anything to her about it yet. But sheesh .... how would she like to be left in a sticky smelly wet nappy for all those hours while being extremely over tired. Was one of the reasons why he didn't sleep probably.

i don't get her at all.

 

[sandilion]

When i think about it maybe i am being ungrateful and i should be happy that at least she offers to have him on the occasion so we can have a night out. I dunno. It just all doesn't seem very fair.

 

[jenniferttc1]

I don't have this problem really, but haiden is the first grandbaby. But I get why you feel the way you do, and it does seem a little unfair, but theres not much you can do. It sounds like you and your mom are close, and your sister and mom are not so close, maybe that's her way of getting closer to your sister? I can understand the commitment thing. My mom is young (45) and retired, but she had her first baby at 16 and never got to live her life, now she goes out of town when she wants, and on cruises and enjoying being home, able to vacation and love on her grandson when she wants and able to send him home. Or maybe she doesn't like watching your sisters LO but she's not close to her and afraid if she says no, she will loose the closesness of her other daughter and grandbaby.

 

[aimee-lou]

Hmmm maybe she doesn't actually like your sister taking liberties but now that there is a precedent, she is trying not to repeat it with you. What she should do is confront your sister, but instead it's easier for her to just turn you down (if that makes sense?). Does your sister have a partner? in-laws? If not, maybe your Mum feels obliged to have her children while she works etc, whereas you have a network of support.

I would not be happy if my LO didn't have his nappy changed or put down for his nap when he needed. That's a basic need which should be met by his carer whoever they are. If she is to have him in future then I would speak to her about it.

As it happens I don't trust my Mum with my kids, but that's a whole other issue, but I would speak to her about it. If you need her help, then ask her for it outright. If you'd like to give her first refusal on your LOs care, then that's fine, but I wouldn't put him into childcare near her - it needs to be convenient the majority of the time for you and OH, not on the off-chance your Mum needs to collect him.

 

[mellyboo]

Awe I'm the only one with a baby in my family so I dont have this problem... But my sister doesn't even have to work my parents support her shes my twin sister we are 26 years old half her car payment is paid her bf pays the other half her insurance is fully paid her cell phone is fully paid she rents the other half of there house it's a semi detach that's free all she has to do is help pay for heat in the winter but more then half her life is paid for... My mom helps me but ah not like that ??? I pay my own rent an cell bill and bills !! It's crazy ...

 

[readytotry]

When i think about it maybe i am being ungrateful and i should be happy that at least she offers to have him on the occasion so we can have a night out. I dunno. It just all doesn't seem very fair.

I think you are a bit...sorry.
With your sister it sounds like quite an informal arrangement whereas you need something more fixed as you are working out of the house. There is a big difference in my opinion so I can see why your mum might be ok with one but not the other.
You need regular, pre-arranged childcare. Whilst it is nice when GPs do this, it's a bit much to expect it.

 

[ArmyOfUs]

I understand where are coming from. My parents are kind of the same with my lo vs my niece. My parents work so it isn't really a question about them babysitting during the week...nor is it about them taking my lo on the weekend...they offer but I haven't felt the need. They have my niece so often...even thought sil has her mother that doesn't work. My mother has passed comments about they need her more and I've realized it's very true. My sil and brother refuse to change their life for their daughter. Sil doesn't think it's important for her daughter to nap or have a clean diaper...it's always on her terms. When we are all together my mother does everything for my niece (feeds her, changes her, puts her to sleep...) My sil and brother can't seem to be bothered. I guess I just accepted it. My poor niece. She's 14 months old and doesn't say mama. My oh says it's cause she isn't sure who is her mama. (Don't think this is actually true...but the idea is sad). It think your mom probably thinks you have a better hold on things.

 

[NotNic]

I can see why you are upset, as it does seem to be uneven even if her arrangement is informal. It could be that your Mum really wants some time for herself, and she is trying to safeguard the days but it also sounds like your sister is taking the p*ss. My SIL relies heavily on her parents for childcare and it leaves the rest of us a little short, when we really do need help. Both mine and my other SIL's parents are not local and still work, so we haven't got many options for help and when I have asked we've been told that they are too busy looking after the other grandchildren. We have decided to put our lo into nursery. Our MIL has offered to take him, but I don't want to rely on someone all the time and to feel like I'm taking advantage if something crops up and we need extra help at another time.

 

[sandilion]

My sister also relies heavily on her inlaws as well and they also have set days each week they take care of her kids. She basically hands her kids over to everyone else to look after while she goes about her life.

Mum has mentioned to me that she see's I have things under control with my LO, where she worries about how lazy my sister is and is concerned about whether the children are having their needs met. Where she knows how I am and I make sure my LO has everything he needs all the time. So therefore i am looked upon as not needing the support as much as my sister does i guess.

It bugs me, because I also know what my sister is like and she definitely will be just taking the piss. She is very self absorbed and selfish, her kids come last especially her son So maybe it's all for the best since the last thing i want is innocent children being neglected just so i can have equal treatment.

I'll just suck it up.

Thanks for your help all, you helped me see it in a more mature light.