My 8th Miscarriage has made me a bitter person - Please help

[Lost7]

Okay, so I've had 8 miscarriages now. Through out the years starting in 2005 all the way up to this year. I have 6 beautiful healthy(ish) children but 8 angels in heaven.

The first one in 2005 was hard to deal with as they all are but given time I bounced back, I remained positive for the future but remembered the angel(s) I'd already lost, remembered them every day, but felt like there was some kind of reason for the losses and it was probably just 'one of those things' but now, 8 miscarriages seems a bit too personal. No one suffers this amount of losses with NO reasons as to why.

Because I've not had 3-in-a-row yet they will not investigate, at all.
We're on our 10th cycle of TTC, this is our 4th cycle after our last loss. This is the last baby to complete our family.

When I had betas done in March (first time they've ever ordered betas), when I was told it had gone from 31 to 24 and 'Miscarriage was now imminent' I was also told it was 'natures way' and 'natures selection' and ''probably for the best'' (WTF)

Now, this week I've had to deal with a few announcements. One lesbian couple who miscarried the same time as me, fell pregnant on her third cycle after loss.
Another who moaned at me that her husband never finished inside her, both got their that day. To top that off a british tv soap (Eastenders) told the story of an actor who recently found out she was 5 months pregnant. That very evening (and tipping me over the edge) I have an app on my phone, whisper it's called. I had a notification someone had whispered something about 'pregnant' and 'husband'. I swiped it too quickly to see exactly what was said.

I feel like such a bitter person now, people announce their pregnancy and I ought to be happy FOR THEM. Not angry. A friend fell pregnant whilst I was miscarrying too, another friend had her baby, another friend had her baby the same day as all these announcements.

One woman who found out her the same day as me in February is now 25 weeks. I sent her a message, stupidly asking how the pregnancy was going. She replied some garbage about how her boyfriend of only 3 months left her, blah blah (I think she's 17, she's very young) and my bitter reply was 'at least you've still got your baby'.

How could I say such a nasty, bitter thing back? Why couldn't I be supportive of her (I've removed her as a friend as I couldn't bear the bump shots), I've been there with my last baby, the Father left me at 29 weeks. I know what it's like yet I couldn't resist one ounce of bitterness to wish her well and that it'll all be okay. She's young, she's pregnant with her first and she's probably scared.

Who am I turning into? I feel really down about it all at the minute, everything, everyone everywhere is either pregnant or giving birth and here I am broken hearted and empty womb.

Sorry for the vent, I just feel like I am not me anymore, the last miscarriage is too much to bare and that I am changing into a very nasty bitter person.

 

[NavyLadybug]

I understand Lost7. I've had 5 losses since 2012 out of a total of 6 pregnancies. 2 MCs, 2 CPs and 1 MMC. They are all painful and disheartening.

My grandmother had 8 miscarriages out of 9 pregnancies, one of which was a still birth at 7 months. She was told that it was simply her body, some women are simply more susceptible to MCs than other women, for no other simple reason than that. As painful as it can be to hear and bear, it is a reality and one that I share with you. Have you spoken with a grief counselor? I finally did after my last one in June, and while it is still painful, it did help me find comfort and ways to grieve and cope properly.

I know the bitterness, a week before I started bleeding a very horrible "friend" of mine fell pregnant for the second time in 2 months after already having an abortion the month before and decided she was keeping it simply because it had a different father than the first one, it broke my heart and when I lost my baby, I was so angry that I lashed out at her and her insensitive ways after she waved her continuing pregnancy in my face. It's hard, Lost7, but please, remember that we are here for you, your children are there for you to love and that you still have hope of a 7th healthy baby and nothing should take that from you. If you ever need to talk, shoot me a PM. I check the site every hour or so and I'd gladly talk to you should you want or need to vent to someone personally.

 

[Lost7]

Thanks hun. I'm sorry about your losses and your grand mothers.
I haven't spoken to a grief counselor no, though I have been referred for mental health to a counselor - all linked with the MC, so probably going to bring that up etc.
I hope they bring me some peace.
I think had I been you and your friend, I would probably have said a few choice words!

So sorry you've had to deal with multiple loss too.

 

[Tasha]

I've had sixteen miscarriages as well as a stillbirth at 24+3 and one at 36+6, so I've certainly felt bitterness at times too. I tried to remind myself that I don't know that persons story, like when people see me with my new baby they won't know how much heart ache it took to get there and that's true even if you know the person well. When he was born my friends and extended family were shocked about all our loses when it hit the papers, many didn't know as I didn't share it.

Try a different GP to get a referral for testing xx

 

[Lost7]

Thanks hun, my goodness I had no idea you'd had so many! I'm so sorry for your loss hun.
I try to remain positive every cycle but when shows, it's so disheartening then people who try less get pregnant straight away it just frustrates me!

 

[NavyLadybug]

I know that feeling. My best friend started TTC her #2 and it took ONE cycle and they only BDed ONCE that entire cycle and it was on the actual day of O. I was extremely happy for her, she's a wonderful mother, but I was also extremely jealous. My mother could get pregnant at the drop of a hat, she even got pregnant after getting her tubes tied.... TWICE!! Its just so frustrating sometimes, especially when someone who is less than deserving of a child gets pregnant (Like that alcoholics, drug users, abusers, that sort of thing)

 

[Lost7]

Yep - understand that. I think that's partly why I am frustrated with the 17 year old, only met her fella then 3 months later she's pregnant. No real relationship to build on and he's obviously now left. I don't even know why I asked for a pregnancy update to be honest, I'm still shocked at my bitter reply to her. I sort of feel bad in a way but it's the truth, at least she still has her baby. I don't.

 

[NavyLadybug]

That's exactly how I feel with that "friend" of mine I mentioned before. It burns me up that she could toss away a child (which was her husbands, but they were separating) but then keep a child a month later simply because it was her new BFs. Her mother takes care of the child she already has and it makes me so angry and envious.

It's so emotionally draining, frustrating as well as painful and not to mention all those mixes of emotions that you can't readily identify.

 

[Lost7]

I'm glad I made this post to get perspective, I feel like a bad person and it's not really my fault it's just emotions trying to deal with the extra loss!
to you hun

 

[NavyLadybug]

Not a problem!!

We all deal with pain in different ways, and really the way you "lashed" out with just one comment, was NOTHING compared to how badly I layed into my "friend" though honestly, I'd been dying to say a few choice words to her for a while.

 

[Lost7]

I think the stuff we have to put up with, we deserve a medal or two.
It never gets easier to deal with, I have an appointment today with someone I've waited months for an appointment with, I just don't have the energy to go, I'll break down into floods of tears again, Baby kept us all up last night and I physically don't have the energy to go and talk about my fears and anxieties at the moment.

 

[NavyLadybug]

But you really should, dear. I know its hard, but it may help you in more ways than one! Just stay strong! We are not only women, we are MOTHERS and Mothers to Angels no less, there is no one on earth stronger than then mother of an angel baby!

 

[Lost7]

Thanks hun! I want to feel happy for people but other emotions take over!
I'll try my best in the future for others!

 

[NavyLadybug]

That's completely ok! It's human nature to feel bitterness, jealousy and anger! Just don't let it consume you, that's not healthy for anyone!

 

[Dana_Scully]

I'm feeling bitter too. I get pregnant really quickly, like one or two cycles and then I miscarry. Pregnancy with my son was very hard, I bled so much thanks to a hematoma that was the same size as him. It just makes me want to give up

 

[Lost7]

Huge for you hun. They noticed I'd developed a lump (I can't remember the name they gave) and that led to pain each time I coughed or sneezed, like an intense sharp pain. I was told it'd grow with the pregnancy - but thankfully 12 weeks later it had disappeared.

 

[OmarsMum]

My advice take a breath count the blessings in your life & focus on them. You have 6 beautiful children.

I'm going through my 3rd mc since Jan last year, I have 1 child who is almost 6. Sometimes I feel bitter but it doesn't last for long. I pray & meditate, I think about the positives in my life and I focus on them.

Like Tasha said you don't know the situation of the mum with a bump or a new born.

I wasn't comfortable when SIL got pregnant a month after my mc last year as she used to call me everyday to talk about her pregnancy but I tried not to be bitter.

I still didn't miscarry, I'm still waiting to mc or go for a D&C

After I came back from my scan and the dr confirmed a BO , one of my clients sent me on Whatsapp to tell me that she's finally pregnant, she suffers from PCOS , I was happy for her.

Long term bitterness can affect your life negatively and being too absorbed in your sorrow will make you forget about the good things in your life.

My life is a mess lol. I lost many family members in the last 3 yrs, I come from a country where there is war, I didn't see many of my family members for 5 yrs now. I'm an expat with a passport I can't use easily to travel, we need visas to go anywhere.

I try to remain positive, before we go to bed I sit with my son and we list 5 positive things that happened during the day, it makes me feel good.

I'd be lying if I say I am ok lol, I am not, but I accepted the mc without bitterness. All what I want for now is to get over with mc. I'm scared, I don't deal well with hospital procedures.

I'm sorry for rambling and for the long post, but I felt so bad for you when I read your post, spending your energy in bitterness is not healthy

I really hope you get over those feelings soon

 

[Lost7]

Thank you hun. It's school holidays now, so I have 6 children all day every day for 6 weeks now, no school nothing. They lift my spirits.

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through your 3rd mc.

I find it really hard to focus on the positives, when ever I go out I either see newborn babies or 'ready to burst' Mothers. It just one of those things that make you stop and think 'how big would I be now?'
I know I don't know their background but I don't really think about them, I think about me and the babies I've lost - probably makes me selfish!

You must have tried really hard to not be bitter when your SIL fell pregnant, I don't think I'd be able to handle that.

Are you still waiting for a mc or D&C, after 6 months of miscarrying - have I read that right?

Sorry, what's BO? I'm really glad you can be happy for friends, family and clients who announce their pregnancy, You're a better woman that me.

I love my children very much, I am spending every day with them now they're on holiday and I do appreciate the best things in life, it's close family time, I am not that absorbed into the miscarriages that I can not see any positives, I do appreciate them, however I feel bitter about any friends who become pregnant or so forth.

I can't imagine not seeing family for 5 years, that said my Parents do not play an active part in my life to support me anyway.

That's a good idea of listing positives before bed time.

Wishing you lots of hugs with what ever will be happening at hospital, I hate hospitals, doctors and procedures too, you have my every sympathy.

Rambling is fine, it takes my mind off it for a few minutes so that's good. Best of luck, PM me if you need to ramble some more.

 

[OmarsMum]

BO is blighted ovum, it was few days back only, I had my scan on Tuesday, it showed blighted ovum measuring 7w5d at 11w. My dr appointment in on Tuesday to decide on the mc options. It is Eid now, we were fasting for a month, I didn't want to ruin the holiday so I decided to wait until after the holiday.

This is my 4th mc, I had a very early mc at 4w (considered chemical) before I conceived my son 6 yrs back.

My parents are here but my in laws are in hometown we didn't see them for 5 yrs, last time they saw my son when he was 11 months.

We are not young, I'm 36 and hubby is 50, 2 yrs of ttc to conceive and all this stress is more than enough. I'm a health coach I need to concentrate on my practice, I need to heal myself emotionally and physically before working again with clients.

I want to go back to normal, and live a normal life.

 

[Lost7]

Oh yes, that's it, sorry.
Really sorry you're having to go through this.

Sorry to hear this is your 4th miscarriage, I've had 8 now so I know what it's like to mc again and again.

My Life changed in 2009, for the worse. I will never be the same again and lead a normal life - nor will my 7 years old TOMORROW daughter, unfortunately she's had no such thing as a normal life and that tears me apart every minute of every single day.