My Baby's Mom Left

[teendad78]

I'm the father to a beautiful baby girl who I named Pheobe. Her mother (My ex) left us after I told her I wanted to keep the baby. She said that she didn't want to be a mother and that I would have to raise our girl all alone. So for the last few months, I've been adjusting to being a single teenage father. I don't get much help with Pheobe since my parents have jobs and they are not happy to be grandparents so early. I've been able to make due with the situation but complications are quickly arising. Not only do I have college to worry about but I have no idea what I'm going to tell my daughter when she's older. She's going to have to be in daycare and she's going to see other kids with their mothers. I know that not having a mom isn't the end of the world and that she will be fine but I still worry. Like how will I tell my daughter that her mother decided that she didn't want to be a part of her life? That her mother moved on and never asked about her again? I mean I still see my ex every once and a while and when I bring Pheobe up she isn't phased at all, I genuinely believe that she doesn't care at all for our child. It's not that I don't get why she's not ready to be a mom or why she didn't want to keep her. But is it crazy of me to expect her to care at least a little? It's all very heavy and I don't know what to do.

 

[drudai]

First, just wanted to say how amazing you are. Being a single parent is a difficult road and you'll face a lot of challenges but it's going to be worth it. One day this will just be your origin story and you'll wonder how you ever got on without a precious little girl.

Second, mom (ex) might be going through a difficult time of her own. Adjusting to giving birth to a child she might not have wanted, possible postpartum depression, undiagnosed mental health, anything really. Trying not to get involved might be her coping mechanism. You can either give her time, or set boundaries. Is she going to be out of daughters life? Then fine, but don't let her treat it like a revolving door, coming around when it's convenient for her. Establish if she wants regular visitation or major holidays, or not at all. She might not want anything right now, which brings it back to whether or not you want to give her time.

I can understand where you're coming from. My sister's ex comes in and out of niece's life and I just wonder, how can you not WANT to be here? She's amazing... Anyway.

Kids are amazingly resilient. They make their own normal. Just daddy might be normal to them. My niece says, "other kids have mommy and daddy. Some have just mommy, like me!"

All she needs is you.

 

[ClairAye]

My honest advice might not be 'good' advice but right now I wouldn't worry about it just because you have time and it can consume you if you think about it too much, just enjoy her now and worry abouy it as she gets a bit older. My children's father last saw them when they were 2 and 10 months old (now 5 and 3.5) and my son has only asked without prompting once and it wasn't why he didn't have a dad, it was why his friend did, which made me proud in a weird way because he thinks our family is normal and isn't focusing on what he doesn't have that others do.

Recently I have mentioned his dad and he's seen baby photos of him and his dad and he doesn't care for this stranger. He'll ask who the man in the photo is and when I say it's his dad he mostly goes 'okay.' and that is that. Sometimes it goes a bit deeper and I just tell him that he wasn't ready to be a dad and he's happy with that. Thankfully he has great father figures in my grandad and my brother in law.

So yeah, obviously think a bit about it but I think it was better for us so far to not bring it up to them but as they had more understanding teach them the diversity of families i.e. mum & dad, mum & mum, just dad etc and answer their questions they may have in a simplified way, leaving out any negative emotions.

I had my kids at 17 & 19 and became a single parent at 19 so I know exactly what you are going through. It gets easier and things will start falling into place!

 

[housewifey]

Congratulations on your little girl, what a lovely name you chose for her.

And hats off to you for stepping up to care for her, most of us get 9 months to come to terms with the fact we're about to be a parent, you've managed to take on this responsibility without hardly any notice.

I would try not to worry about things like what you'll tell her when she's older, your life story, her personality and her mothers actions will probably all determine how you approach this when the time comes (which wont be for years yet).

In the meantime, enjoy this time with your little girl, the baby stage goes by way too fast in my opinion. Take a million photographs and love on her until the sun goes down.

 

[Topanga053]

I just wanted to say that I'm in awe of you. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but you sound like an amazing person and father to your beautiful baby girl.

I agree with the others that kids are resilient and that you should set up a firm visitation schedule (or none) with mom.

It will be tough at times, but your daughter is lucky to have you. ❤️❤️