midori1999
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I hope no-one minds me posting. I gave birth to my girls over 6 weeks ago now, and have only been able to post their full story now. (Well, I have posted through floods of tears and deleted again a few times) I feel it will help me to post...
The waters around twin 1 broke at 14+5. I was told I would miscarry within a few days, but when I didn't I was discharged from hospital on antibiotics and weekly scans/consultant appointments, plus blood tests three times weekly to check for infection, as once the waters have broken infection is the biggest risk to the babies and the pregnancy. I was also told that without amniotic fluid it was unlikely twin 1's lungs would be able to develop and we would be extremely lucky to end up with one twin, let alone two. I had a couple of further complications, some bleeding at 18 weeks and then at 21 weeks I was admitted to hospital again with what turned out to be bi-lateral pulmonary embolisms. Bearing in mind pulmonary embolisms are life threatening and kill approx 30% of people who get them at the onset of symptoms, I can remember thinking 'thank goodness, only pulmonary embolisms, not an infection that will endager my babies!' Once I was stable I was discharged from hospital on twice daily blood thinning injections and consultant appointments/scans/blood tests continued.
I had a final appointment with my consultant prior to being transferred to the twin clinic at 23+2. Everyone was very positive, no-one had expected me to get to this gestation and I seemed to be doing great, as did the babies. My consultant told me I needed ot be admitted to hospital though as the haemotologist wanted ot have a filter put in my main vein to prevent any pieces of the blood clots in my lungs that broke off going to my heart and potentially killing me, as I would need to come off the blood thinners when I went into labour. Or, they may try to deliver me electively, they weren't sure yet. I went into hospital on Wed 28th April, feeling very optimistic.
If anyone has plenty of time on their hands, the full story (long version!) from when my waters broke is here:
https://www.babyandbump.com/twins-triplets-multiples/284097-waters-breaking-14-15-weeks.html
On Friday 30th April I woke up feeling shivery. I wondered if it was cold in the ward and asked the domestic, who said yes, it was cooler today. I knew shivering could be a sign of infection, so I felt relieved. Abotu half an hour later I started feeling sick and although I went for breakfast I couldn't eat a thing and just managed half a small cup of tea. I decided I should get the midwife to check me... When she did my obs I had a temperature so she said she'd get the doctor and take some blood for testing. We live an hour from the hospital, so I text my husband to tell him not to worry but I was feeling ill so to get childcare sorted out and be on standby just in case, but I would let him know what was happening when I knew more. I was 23+5 and hadn't had steroids yet, so I knew I wanted to ask the doctor if I could have them.
By the time the doctor came round I felt like I might be having mild contractions. My blood levels were up and showed infection, plus my temperature had rocketed by that point. I asked about the steroids but was told they were out of the question as (as I knew) they would make the infection worse. I was also told they could not delay labour as my life would be in danger from the infection and if I wasn't in active labour by about 2pm, they would induce me. The doctor then told me that my babies probably wouldn't survive. I knew this hospital was the only hospital in Northern Ireland, where I live, that could care for babies under 28 weeks, and I knew they had a policy of not helping babies under 24 weeks. I also knew babies had a chance from 23 weeks and some UK units will care for babies from 23 weeks. I made it clear to the doctor that I wanted a neonatologist present when my babies were born and I wanted them assessed for resuscitation/intervention. He said he would get a neonatologist to speak to me once they moved me down to the labour ward shortly and disappeared. I rang my husband and explained that I would be having our babies that day and to come over.
After what seemed like forever, I was taken to the labour ward. I immediately told the midwife I wanted to see a neonatologist, she said she'd get one. My husband arrived just after I got there, I have never seen him look so terrified. I asked for gas and air as I was in quite a bit of pain by then. At 1.15pm the doctor came and examined me and told me I was only 2cm dilated and if thinsg hadn't progressed at all by 2pm, they would induce me. I thought he was bonkers, I was in agony with contractions (I already had three children, so knew what to expect) and knew I was going to have these babies sooner rather than later.
Shortly after I was examined, the neonatologist came to talk to me. He told me that babies under 24 weeks have little chance of survival and even if they do survive they can have all sorts of problems and disabilities like cerbal palsy and chronic lung disease. I knew all this and told him I had done nothing but spend the last ten weeks researching it all. There followed a bizarre and in retrospect, strangely amusing 'arguement' in between me puffing on gas and air during contractions. He tried to tell me there were no neonatal cots, that he felt that if a baby had to be ventilated that was too much intervention from his point of view. I told him that I knew most babies under 28 weeks would be ventilated at birth and wouldn't survive without it. I didn't want the babies kept alive under any circumstances, just assessed and if in good condition at birth and there was a chance I wanted to help them. In the end he agreed, saying he felt like I was twisting his arm. Amazingly, I felt guilty and apologised that I made him feel that way, but I was glad my babies wouldn't be just left to die.
Not long after the neonatologist left I told the midwife I was starting to feel the urge to push, but not strongly. A few contractions later i felt something 'down below' and turned to my husband saying that I thought I was delivering one of the babies. He had a look and I will never forget the look of horror on his face. Our first twin had just been born and was on the bed between my legs. I hadn't even had to push. The midwife rushed over, looking equally horrified and terrified. She pressed the emergency call button and I realised the second midwife had left and there was no doctor in the room. I can remember turning to my husband and saying over and over again 'I am so sorry, I am so sorry. There is no way our baby can be alive, I can't feel the baby moving, there's just no way it can be alive'. The next second the room was full of people. The midwife handed my baby to the neonatologist and told me it was 2pm. I could see lots of doctors around my baby on the resuscitare and kept asking, 'is my baby alive, is it alive?' and 'is it a boy or a girl?' A girl they said, and yes, amazingly, she was alive, but was covered in puss as the infection had obviously been there for some time. A girl! 'Megan' I sobbed to my husband through the tears. We had already chosen names. 'Megan, that's Megan, our little girl'. She weighed 1lb 2 oz. Then what we had feared most, the neonatologist turned to us and said Megan wasn't making any effort to breathe, her heartrate was very low, and he felt we should let her go. My husband and I agreed and the doctor handed Megan to my husband. Then she took two huge breaths. 'She just breathed!' my husband cried out, 'do something, please help her'. The neonatologist took her back and they started to try and intubate her.
Then the contractions got stronger again. A minute or so later the second twin slipped out. Again, no pushing. Again, I felt sure she must be dead, there was no way she could be alive. (I had found out on a scan the day before this twin was a girl) Then the second miracle, our second twin was also alive! She was rushed out of the room as there was only one resuscitare on the room and Megan was on it.
They tried hard to help Megan, but although they got the surfactants into her lungs, and gave her oxygen, she just wasn't responsing and her heart rate wasn't improving. The doctor working on her offered to give adrenalin and chest compressions to see if that helped, but he was reluctant to do so. We made the impossible decision to let her go. She was just too sick, we had always known she would be, and it was amazing she has survived inside me for so long, fighting so hard. The doctor passed Megan to me and she died in my arms shortly after. I never saw her take a breath, but her little heart was beating.
We were still holding Megan when a doctor came in and told us that Imogen had been able to be ventilated and had been taken up to NICU. I don't think either of us could quite believe it, we had prepared ourselves for the worst. We were told we could go up and see her in a few hours once all her lines had been put in and she was stable. She weighed 1lb 4oz. The next few hours went so slowly, we spent them holding our beautiful little Megan. The midwife dressed her in the tiny pink premmie sleepsuit we had bought 'just in case', so our twins had something to wear of their own. We didn't need the blue ones, so gave them to the labour ward. The midwife took Megan's hand and footprints for us.
Imogen fought like mad and lived in the NICU for 9 days. She was doing amazingly for a baby of her gestation. She died in my arms, just like her twin sister, but at 5.05am on Sunday 9th May of a pulmonary haemorrhage. It was very sudden and she was only taken ill at 3am. The doctors and nurses knew this could happen with such premature babies, but were all shocked as she had been doing so well. She had even opened her eyes a few hours before she got sick, despite the fact that premature babies don't usually open their eyes until they would be at 26 weeks gestation.
I never got to see my twin girls together, but they were able to be in the same coffin together, in their matching pink sleepsuits and wrapped in one shawl together. At least they were together in the end, just how they started out in life. Their funeral was on Friday 21st May. I miss them so much, but at least I got to know them, even if it was only for a very short time. I will never, ever forget the look of absolute love in my husband's eyes when he held his two beautiful girls, he would have been everything they could have wished for in a Daddy.
I will post a little about Imogens short life and some photos in the loss section for anyone who wants to see my gorgeous girls.
Thankyou so much for reading this.
The waters around twin 1 broke at 14+5. I was told I would miscarry within a few days, but when I didn't I was discharged from hospital on antibiotics and weekly scans/consultant appointments, plus blood tests three times weekly to check for infection, as once the waters have broken infection is the biggest risk to the babies and the pregnancy. I was also told that without amniotic fluid it was unlikely twin 1's lungs would be able to develop and we would be extremely lucky to end up with one twin, let alone two. I had a couple of further complications, some bleeding at 18 weeks and then at 21 weeks I was admitted to hospital again with what turned out to be bi-lateral pulmonary embolisms. Bearing in mind pulmonary embolisms are life threatening and kill approx 30% of people who get them at the onset of symptoms, I can remember thinking 'thank goodness, only pulmonary embolisms, not an infection that will endager my babies!' Once I was stable I was discharged from hospital on twice daily blood thinning injections and consultant appointments/scans/blood tests continued.
I had a final appointment with my consultant prior to being transferred to the twin clinic at 23+2. Everyone was very positive, no-one had expected me to get to this gestation and I seemed to be doing great, as did the babies. My consultant told me I needed ot be admitted to hospital though as the haemotologist wanted ot have a filter put in my main vein to prevent any pieces of the blood clots in my lungs that broke off going to my heart and potentially killing me, as I would need to come off the blood thinners when I went into labour. Or, they may try to deliver me electively, they weren't sure yet. I went into hospital on Wed 28th April, feeling very optimistic.
If anyone has plenty of time on their hands, the full story (long version!) from when my waters broke is here:
https://www.babyandbump.com/twins-triplets-multiples/284097-waters-breaking-14-15-weeks.html
On Friday 30th April I woke up feeling shivery. I wondered if it was cold in the ward and asked the domestic, who said yes, it was cooler today. I knew shivering could be a sign of infection, so I felt relieved. Abotu half an hour later I started feeling sick and although I went for breakfast I couldn't eat a thing and just managed half a small cup of tea. I decided I should get the midwife to check me... When she did my obs I had a temperature so she said she'd get the doctor and take some blood for testing. We live an hour from the hospital, so I text my husband to tell him not to worry but I was feeling ill so to get childcare sorted out and be on standby just in case, but I would let him know what was happening when I knew more. I was 23+5 and hadn't had steroids yet, so I knew I wanted to ask the doctor if I could have them.
By the time the doctor came round I felt like I might be having mild contractions. My blood levels were up and showed infection, plus my temperature had rocketed by that point. I asked about the steroids but was told they were out of the question as (as I knew) they would make the infection worse. I was also told they could not delay labour as my life would be in danger from the infection and if I wasn't in active labour by about 2pm, they would induce me. The doctor then told me that my babies probably wouldn't survive. I knew this hospital was the only hospital in Northern Ireland, where I live, that could care for babies under 28 weeks, and I knew they had a policy of not helping babies under 24 weeks. I also knew babies had a chance from 23 weeks and some UK units will care for babies from 23 weeks. I made it clear to the doctor that I wanted a neonatologist present when my babies were born and I wanted them assessed for resuscitation/intervention. He said he would get a neonatologist to speak to me once they moved me down to the labour ward shortly and disappeared. I rang my husband and explained that I would be having our babies that day and to come over.
After what seemed like forever, I was taken to the labour ward. I immediately told the midwife I wanted to see a neonatologist, she said she'd get one. My husband arrived just after I got there, I have never seen him look so terrified. I asked for gas and air as I was in quite a bit of pain by then. At 1.15pm the doctor came and examined me and told me I was only 2cm dilated and if thinsg hadn't progressed at all by 2pm, they would induce me. I thought he was bonkers, I was in agony with contractions (I already had three children, so knew what to expect) and knew I was going to have these babies sooner rather than later.
Shortly after I was examined, the neonatologist came to talk to me. He told me that babies under 24 weeks have little chance of survival and even if they do survive they can have all sorts of problems and disabilities like cerbal palsy and chronic lung disease. I knew all this and told him I had done nothing but spend the last ten weeks researching it all. There followed a bizarre and in retrospect, strangely amusing 'arguement' in between me puffing on gas and air during contractions. He tried to tell me there were no neonatal cots, that he felt that if a baby had to be ventilated that was too much intervention from his point of view. I told him that I knew most babies under 28 weeks would be ventilated at birth and wouldn't survive without it. I didn't want the babies kept alive under any circumstances, just assessed and if in good condition at birth and there was a chance I wanted to help them. In the end he agreed, saying he felt like I was twisting his arm. Amazingly, I felt guilty and apologised that I made him feel that way, but I was glad my babies wouldn't be just left to die.
Not long after the neonatologist left I told the midwife I was starting to feel the urge to push, but not strongly. A few contractions later i felt something 'down below' and turned to my husband saying that I thought I was delivering one of the babies. He had a look and I will never forget the look of horror on his face. Our first twin had just been born and was on the bed between my legs. I hadn't even had to push. The midwife rushed over, looking equally horrified and terrified. She pressed the emergency call button and I realised the second midwife had left and there was no doctor in the room. I can remember turning to my husband and saying over and over again 'I am so sorry, I am so sorry. There is no way our baby can be alive, I can't feel the baby moving, there's just no way it can be alive'. The next second the room was full of people. The midwife handed my baby to the neonatologist and told me it was 2pm. I could see lots of doctors around my baby on the resuscitare and kept asking, 'is my baby alive, is it alive?' and 'is it a boy or a girl?' A girl they said, and yes, amazingly, she was alive, but was covered in puss as the infection had obviously been there for some time. A girl! 'Megan' I sobbed to my husband through the tears. We had already chosen names. 'Megan, that's Megan, our little girl'. She weighed 1lb 2 oz. Then what we had feared most, the neonatologist turned to us and said Megan wasn't making any effort to breathe, her heartrate was very low, and he felt we should let her go. My husband and I agreed and the doctor handed Megan to my husband. Then she took two huge breaths. 'She just breathed!' my husband cried out, 'do something, please help her'. The neonatologist took her back and they started to try and intubate her.
Then the contractions got stronger again. A minute or so later the second twin slipped out. Again, no pushing. Again, I felt sure she must be dead, there was no way she could be alive. (I had found out on a scan the day before this twin was a girl) Then the second miracle, our second twin was also alive! She was rushed out of the room as there was only one resuscitare on the room and Megan was on it.
They tried hard to help Megan, but although they got the surfactants into her lungs, and gave her oxygen, she just wasn't responsing and her heart rate wasn't improving. The doctor working on her offered to give adrenalin and chest compressions to see if that helped, but he was reluctant to do so. We made the impossible decision to let her go. She was just too sick, we had always known she would be, and it was amazing she has survived inside me for so long, fighting so hard. The doctor passed Megan to me and she died in my arms shortly after. I never saw her take a breath, but her little heart was beating.
We were still holding Megan when a doctor came in and told us that Imogen had been able to be ventilated and had been taken up to NICU. I don't think either of us could quite believe it, we had prepared ourselves for the worst. We were told we could go up and see her in a few hours once all her lines had been put in and she was stable. She weighed 1lb 4oz. The next few hours went so slowly, we spent them holding our beautiful little Megan. The midwife dressed her in the tiny pink premmie sleepsuit we had bought 'just in case', so our twins had something to wear of their own. We didn't need the blue ones, so gave them to the labour ward. The midwife took Megan's hand and footprints for us.
Imogen fought like mad and lived in the NICU for 9 days. She was doing amazingly for a baby of her gestation. She died in my arms, just like her twin sister, but at 5.05am on Sunday 9th May of a pulmonary haemorrhage. It was very sudden and she was only taken ill at 3am. The doctors and nurses knew this could happen with such premature babies, but were all shocked as she had been doing so well. She had even opened her eyes a few hours before she got sick, despite the fact that premature babies don't usually open their eyes until they would be at 26 weeks gestation.
I never got to see my twin girls together, but they were able to be in the same coffin together, in their matching pink sleepsuits and wrapped in one shawl together. At least they were together in the end, just how they started out in life. Their funeral was on Friday 21st May. I miss them so much, but at least I got to know them, even if it was only for a very short time. I will never, ever forget the look of absolute love in my husband's eyes when he held his two beautiful girls, he would have been everything they could have wished for in a Daddy.
I will post a little about Imogens short life and some photos in the loss section for anyone who wants to see my gorgeous girls.
Thankyou so much for reading this.
