Nimbus
Mummy of 2
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My birth story... a year late
Firstly, its taken me this long to really get to grips with my birth experience and for this reason I initially decided not to share our experience, I hope that this is ok with you lovely ladies and that youre not cheated by the late addition.
I used to spend a fair amount of time reading through so many stories of birth experiences and wonder what mine would be like. It was not too extended, too painful or devastating, but it was nothing like what I expected and I never dreamt that it would affect me in the way it has.
If you have not had your child yet and it turns out that you dont have the wonderful experience that so many other ladies seem to have, I hope that you will be encouraged that it can get better. I sit here writing this a few days away from my boys first birthday, and I can say that it has been worth it. So here goes...
Following a wonderful pregnancy, I had my show on the Sunday 14th of Feb 2010 our due date. We sat downstairs and got all excited only to read that it can take another 12 days! So life carried on as it had for the last 3 weeks DH at work and me hobbling about and enjoying sitting watching box sets on tele wishing that id managed to get the nesting bit done when i could still move about comfortably! On the Wednesday i went for my midwife app which was fairly routine until the point where she took my blood pressure. A bit high were her words, so she took another check and no change. A couple of calls were made and i was advised to go to the assessment centre, but to leave it an hour or so as they were busy. Always a good sign! I drove down to my friends for a quick glass of water and fairly jovially giggled about the whole thing. I should add that I wasnt scared of birth to me, it was always something id have to go through and i knew that it would hurt. Fear was not part of my birth plan! Off i went to the assess centre and sat for another hour waiting with a crossword and a couple of magazines until i could be seen. They took the vitals again and monitored me and baby for a good couple of hours. Took some bloods and by this point my DH had finished work and headed up to the hospital. Bloods came back fine, baby fine, but my bp was still too high. The dr came round and gave me the news that i would not be leaving now without my baby and that induction was what they would suggest. Its strange to think that i had driven myself to hospital to have my baby! For some reason this was a shock to me, i guess that in my head i had thought that i would head home and get this rush to the hospital thing. Being induced was thrown about and that was not something i wanted at all. Thankfully a busy ward meant that wasnt an option that evening and i appeared to be ok at the moment, so i had a sweep, which didnt hurt as much as i had thought and been led to believe. I settled into the ward and day dreamed about what the next few days would hold.
Early the next morning I woke and as with the last few weeks I was unable to sleep as my back was far too uncomfortable. I got out of the ward bed and truddled off into the breakfast room. One lady was clearly having contractions inbetween spoonfuls of her weetabix. We were all enquiring into what it felt like and it dawned on me that I was feeling those types of pains too. I then quickly realised that they were every few minutes. I told the ward staff, and they just left me to it. I sat on the ward with a cup of tea along with another two ladies and discussed what I should do next. Its strange how just a few hours on a ward with other expectant mothers makes you into a bit of a unit and gather together for help. I called my husband and told him that I was feeling some pains and that he should probably go to work and Id call him later as I was off for a bath and that could slow everything down. He promptly ignored my request and came up to see me and help. Good job that he did. I went for a bath but could not get comfortable and the pain just got worse. I think I managed a few minutes of washing myself and then climbed out big lady style. As soon as he came onto the ward to see me he could tell I was in a lot of pain and immediately started to help me with breathing and encouraging me. I was sick a number of times and starting to feel very odd surrounded by so many people on the ward. I was given an internal at half 1 and they confirmed that I was about 4cm dilated and they sent me up to the labour ward. I was put into the smallest room they had a rather nasty room really as the whole place was so full. Again i was sick. Nice.
So contractions were happening and i seemed to be progressing well but i had a really persistent pain that didnt come in waves like the contractions. The midwife suggested that it may have been because i needed to pee. I couldnt though. So they put a catheter in i was already strapped to the bed with monitors for baby and contractions, tens gas and air and blood pressure monitors.... I had not wanted any of this, i wanted an active labour and i already felt cheated at this point. The catheter didnt work, the pain didnt let up, so just carried on. They broke my waters at around 3 where they discovered that our little nimbus had done a poo not a good sign. Well, once the waters were broken things progressed quickly, and by 5 i was fully dilated and pushing our baby out. Everything seemed to be going ok, but after about 15 mins of pushing our little room suddenly filled up midwife, student doctor, doctor, surgeon, needle man, all telling me i needed to sign this piece of paper. That my baby needed to be delivered and thatthey would give me a spinal and attempt forcepts, if it didnt happen in one push it would be a c-section, if the spinal failed i would be put to sleep and have a c-section. As thewy wheeled me away i distinctly remember feeling a terrible sense of failure. That this one thing that i should be able to do i couldnt, that i hadnt managed it.
The spinal worked and our Baby Simon was born at 6:17 on the 18th of Feb 2010. In the background Lady Ga Ga was on the radio just dance, it would never have been my choice, but it was something i noted. Simon was pulled from me and whisked away. Daddy managed to call out the sex, the one thing that we had wanted throughout the pregnancy for our birth that we managed. Simon was assessed and wrapped up and given to Daddy to hold. I didnt feel anything, i dont recall the afterbirth part and i lay with my legs in stirrups for over an hour as they stitched me up. It wasnt until we left the theatre that I was able to hold our baby. And once we settled into the labour recovery room (a nicer larger room) i fed my boy. One of the strangest sensations indeed! In the next couple of hours we took photos and decided on a name and let our family know our news. It was a lovely time. Really special and i did feel quite overwhelmed by both the responsibility and the new beautiful baby before us.
We spent the next 4 days in hospital, every day thinking that today we would go home. In truth it was good to be in hospital as i felt so ill. I had a rash all over my body it had started on the Friday before and was incredibly itchy, it was now all over my body. I could not move as my back was in so much pain, my bp was still very high. It wasnt until they were letting me go that i insisted on then looking at my stitches and it was noted that my stitches had broken down. It took a long time for this to heal and then it healed poorly and i had to have surgery to get it all sorted out. However, most of my health issues have faded even if they havent completely gone.
I thought that I would write a little about our experience since, i hope you dont mind...
Much of my difficulty since my birth has related to the forceps delivery and the confusion as to why this actually happened (it was not clearly explained at the time). I have battled with a feeling of failure over this, as soon after birth my community midwife offered to look through my notes and see why it happened and returned with a "because you were tired". Seriously, i felt bad enough before! And having had the stitches bake down in my mind this had all been because i was too tired, that i appeared as though i couldn't be bothered and i wasn't good enough, so all the pain that followed was my fault. 8 months after birth both my husband and I were diagnosed with PND and we were referred for a birth after thoughts appointment. We were able to talk through our experience and to look in detail at each part of the process. We looked at the hb trace and this was clearly explained and we could see the fact that simon was in distress. The most encouraging thing for us to find out was that if the situation were to happen again, it would have the same outcome. That may seem an odd thing to write, but i've been riddled with thoughts of how i could have done things better, how i could have been more prepared or if i'd done this and that. It's a relief to hear that i could not have done anything else.
My husband throughout has been wonderful, despite the pnd. He's always had a thankful heart towards to hospital as he had a real sense of survival over the whole thing. That what they did was to save our lives. This was in many ways the truth, and something that i really had not appreciated. My bp was dangerously high and the drugs were not working. An eclaptic fit was a serious concern for the midwives and drs. It was interesting to hear the hospitals take on this.
The hurt is still there, that i won't be able to get any of the time back where i could feel nothing but pain and blame when i would look at my little boy, which i know he didn't deserve. That i still need physio because of the birth experience. That the whole of my maternity leave was full of trips to the drs/hosptial, more painkillers and anti-biotics than i've ever had, hurt and pain. I didn't have the exciting rush to hospital experience or the calm going home, relaxing, coo-ing, strolling about the park (open wounds don't allow this), a 6 week check-up that completely discharges you. I also know that my experience was not as traumatic as others and i really hope that i'll be able to appreciate this more.
We love our little boy and I cant fail to smile with him or chuckle as he makes his cute noises, crawling about and waddling more recently. Hes a joy, an absolute wonder and Im reminded of the blessing that he is with every sigh on the baby monitor. Our journey this year hasnt been one that i would have chosen, or wish upon anyone, however, i would do it again for Simon.
Firstly, its taken me this long to really get to grips with my birth experience and for this reason I initially decided not to share our experience, I hope that this is ok with you lovely ladies and that youre not cheated by the late addition.
I used to spend a fair amount of time reading through so many stories of birth experiences and wonder what mine would be like. It was not too extended, too painful or devastating, but it was nothing like what I expected and I never dreamt that it would affect me in the way it has.
If you have not had your child yet and it turns out that you dont have the wonderful experience that so many other ladies seem to have, I hope that you will be encouraged that it can get better. I sit here writing this a few days away from my boys first birthday, and I can say that it has been worth it. So here goes...
Following a wonderful pregnancy, I had my show on the Sunday 14th of Feb 2010 our due date. We sat downstairs and got all excited only to read that it can take another 12 days! So life carried on as it had for the last 3 weeks DH at work and me hobbling about and enjoying sitting watching box sets on tele wishing that id managed to get the nesting bit done when i could still move about comfortably! On the Wednesday i went for my midwife app which was fairly routine until the point where she took my blood pressure. A bit high were her words, so she took another check and no change. A couple of calls were made and i was advised to go to the assessment centre, but to leave it an hour or so as they were busy. Always a good sign! I drove down to my friends for a quick glass of water and fairly jovially giggled about the whole thing. I should add that I wasnt scared of birth to me, it was always something id have to go through and i knew that it would hurt. Fear was not part of my birth plan! Off i went to the assess centre and sat for another hour waiting with a crossword and a couple of magazines until i could be seen. They took the vitals again and monitored me and baby for a good couple of hours. Took some bloods and by this point my DH had finished work and headed up to the hospital. Bloods came back fine, baby fine, but my bp was still too high. The dr came round and gave me the news that i would not be leaving now without my baby and that induction was what they would suggest. Its strange to think that i had driven myself to hospital to have my baby! For some reason this was a shock to me, i guess that in my head i had thought that i would head home and get this rush to the hospital thing. Being induced was thrown about and that was not something i wanted at all. Thankfully a busy ward meant that wasnt an option that evening and i appeared to be ok at the moment, so i had a sweep, which didnt hurt as much as i had thought and been led to believe. I settled into the ward and day dreamed about what the next few days would hold.
Early the next morning I woke and as with the last few weeks I was unable to sleep as my back was far too uncomfortable. I got out of the ward bed and truddled off into the breakfast room. One lady was clearly having contractions inbetween spoonfuls of her weetabix. We were all enquiring into what it felt like and it dawned on me that I was feeling those types of pains too. I then quickly realised that they were every few minutes. I told the ward staff, and they just left me to it. I sat on the ward with a cup of tea along with another two ladies and discussed what I should do next. Its strange how just a few hours on a ward with other expectant mothers makes you into a bit of a unit and gather together for help. I called my husband and told him that I was feeling some pains and that he should probably go to work and Id call him later as I was off for a bath and that could slow everything down. He promptly ignored my request and came up to see me and help. Good job that he did. I went for a bath but could not get comfortable and the pain just got worse. I think I managed a few minutes of washing myself and then climbed out big lady style. As soon as he came onto the ward to see me he could tell I was in a lot of pain and immediately started to help me with breathing and encouraging me. I was sick a number of times and starting to feel very odd surrounded by so many people on the ward. I was given an internal at half 1 and they confirmed that I was about 4cm dilated and they sent me up to the labour ward. I was put into the smallest room they had a rather nasty room really as the whole place was so full. Again i was sick. Nice.
So contractions were happening and i seemed to be progressing well but i had a really persistent pain that didnt come in waves like the contractions. The midwife suggested that it may have been because i needed to pee. I couldnt though. So they put a catheter in i was already strapped to the bed with monitors for baby and contractions, tens gas and air and blood pressure monitors.... I had not wanted any of this, i wanted an active labour and i already felt cheated at this point. The catheter didnt work, the pain didnt let up, so just carried on. They broke my waters at around 3 where they discovered that our little nimbus had done a poo not a good sign. Well, once the waters were broken things progressed quickly, and by 5 i was fully dilated and pushing our baby out. Everything seemed to be going ok, but after about 15 mins of pushing our little room suddenly filled up midwife, student doctor, doctor, surgeon, needle man, all telling me i needed to sign this piece of paper. That my baby needed to be delivered and thatthey would give me a spinal and attempt forcepts, if it didnt happen in one push it would be a c-section, if the spinal failed i would be put to sleep and have a c-section. As thewy wheeled me away i distinctly remember feeling a terrible sense of failure. That this one thing that i should be able to do i couldnt, that i hadnt managed it.
The spinal worked and our Baby Simon was born at 6:17 on the 18th of Feb 2010. In the background Lady Ga Ga was on the radio just dance, it would never have been my choice, but it was something i noted. Simon was pulled from me and whisked away. Daddy managed to call out the sex, the one thing that we had wanted throughout the pregnancy for our birth that we managed. Simon was assessed and wrapped up and given to Daddy to hold. I didnt feel anything, i dont recall the afterbirth part and i lay with my legs in stirrups for over an hour as they stitched me up. It wasnt until we left the theatre that I was able to hold our baby. And once we settled into the labour recovery room (a nicer larger room) i fed my boy. One of the strangest sensations indeed! In the next couple of hours we took photos and decided on a name and let our family know our news. It was a lovely time. Really special and i did feel quite overwhelmed by both the responsibility and the new beautiful baby before us.
We spent the next 4 days in hospital, every day thinking that today we would go home. In truth it was good to be in hospital as i felt so ill. I had a rash all over my body it had started on the Friday before and was incredibly itchy, it was now all over my body. I could not move as my back was in so much pain, my bp was still very high. It wasnt until they were letting me go that i insisted on then looking at my stitches and it was noted that my stitches had broken down. It took a long time for this to heal and then it healed poorly and i had to have surgery to get it all sorted out. However, most of my health issues have faded even if they havent completely gone.
I thought that I would write a little about our experience since, i hope you dont mind...
Much of my difficulty since my birth has related to the forceps delivery and the confusion as to why this actually happened (it was not clearly explained at the time). I have battled with a feeling of failure over this, as soon after birth my community midwife offered to look through my notes and see why it happened and returned with a "because you were tired". Seriously, i felt bad enough before! And having had the stitches bake down in my mind this had all been because i was too tired, that i appeared as though i couldn't be bothered and i wasn't good enough, so all the pain that followed was my fault. 8 months after birth both my husband and I were diagnosed with PND and we were referred for a birth after thoughts appointment. We were able to talk through our experience and to look in detail at each part of the process. We looked at the hb trace and this was clearly explained and we could see the fact that simon was in distress. The most encouraging thing for us to find out was that if the situation were to happen again, it would have the same outcome. That may seem an odd thing to write, but i've been riddled with thoughts of how i could have done things better, how i could have been more prepared or if i'd done this and that. It's a relief to hear that i could not have done anything else.
My husband throughout has been wonderful, despite the pnd. He's always had a thankful heart towards to hospital as he had a real sense of survival over the whole thing. That what they did was to save our lives. This was in many ways the truth, and something that i really had not appreciated. My bp was dangerously high and the drugs were not working. An eclaptic fit was a serious concern for the midwives and drs. It was interesting to hear the hospitals take on this.
The hurt is still there, that i won't be able to get any of the time back where i could feel nothing but pain and blame when i would look at my little boy, which i know he didn't deserve. That i still need physio because of the birth experience. That the whole of my maternity leave was full of trips to the drs/hosptial, more painkillers and anti-biotics than i've ever had, hurt and pain. I didn't have the exciting rush to hospital experience or the calm going home, relaxing, coo-ing, strolling about the park (open wounds don't allow this), a 6 week check-up that completely discharges you. I also know that my experience was not as traumatic as others and i really hope that i'll be able to appreciate this more.
We love our little boy and I cant fail to smile with him or chuckle as he makes his cute noises, crawling about and waddling more recently. Hes a joy, an absolute wonder and Im reminded of the blessing that he is with every sigh on the baby monitor. Our journey this year hasnt been one that i would have chosen, or wish upon anyone, however, i would do it again for Simon.
