My dad says he doesnt want to b a grandad, but me and my OH want a baby, please help.

[J&J]

Hiya everyone,

My dad keeps saying he doesnt want to be a grandad.
If i fall pregnant and when i tell him, would he react badly, if he does what do i do?
Do u think he would come round after a while?

Anyone been in this situation or have any advice please help x

 

[livestrong]

How old are you? Are you trying to get pregnant?

 

[Amygdala]

I think any advice would have to depend on your situation. For one thing: Have you finished your education and have a stable enough job to provide for a child? Are you and your OH in a stable commited relationship? Are you independent from your family?
If all those apply then I'd say he'll just have to live with it and I'd just tell him straight that this is your decision, you've thought it through and made sure you can cope and that you would love his support but will go through with it either way.
If you're dependent on your dad (especially financially) or if there is a chance that having a baby might make you dependent on your dad again (for example if OH should leave, I know, not nice to think about but happens unfortunately), then I think it would be irresponsible to plan and have a child, as you'd be forcing the responsibility on him.
Either way I think it'd be best to openly challenge him on it next time he says it. Ask him why he doesn't want to be a grandad and tell him your point of view.

 

[suzib76]

i think judging by your post you are far too young to be considering a baby - you ask lots of questions, which, tbh, would not apply to someone in a stable relationship who was able to provide adequately for a child - and i do not just mean financially

if you still feel you need your fathers approval then my guess is you should wait hun x

 

[claire-lou]

I agree my answer would depend on your circumstances.

My mum always said she didn't want to be a grannie before 50 but I was married with a good job, so when it happened she just laughed and said OMG I now have to sleep with a grandad

 

[bunnyg82]

My mother in law has said a few times she doesn't want another grandchild. It's hard sometimes, but at the end of the day, me and my hubby are ready and it really is between us. I would obviously love my MIL to be happy for us and I think she probably will be once we do conceive, but it's hard not knowing how she will react.

If you are in a stable relationship and really are ready, then I wouldn't be too caught up in what your dad thinks x

 

[LadyofRohan]

I agree that if you and your partner are ready, you are able to provide and care for a baby, and you know exactly what you are getting in to then it really doesn't matter what your father says.

I'm sure once his holds his grandchild he will change his mind.

My parents are always saying they are 'too young' to be grandparents. However, I know once they find out that we are expecting they will be so thrilled.

 

[rachelrhin0]

I don't know your situation. BUT if you are in a stable relationship and can care for a child in a way a child needs to be cared for then it's no business of your fathers or anyone else for that matter if and when you get pregnant.

 

[nightkd]

Do you live with your dad?

I live with my husband in a different country from my parents, they (my dad in particular) say they are too young to be grandparents etc etc but (I know my mum at least is) they'd still be excited to be grandparents. Just might take them a little while to come around. It's not nice having your parents voicing their objections to you getting pregnant when it's something you and your partner want so much, but if you're in a position to support a child by yourself (eg fiancially, emotionally and have your own home) then it doesn't really matter what they say. They can't stop you if you're an adult and not relying or putting any pressure on them by having a child.

 

[kintenda]

I notice that underneath your screen name it says that you're pregnant. It sounds as though you're trying for a baby here..?

It's just going to be on your own situation. If you're an adult then your decision to have a baby is with yourself and your OH. If you're a child, or if your mum/dad are supporting you financially then I personally wouldn't TTC at the moment. That's just my opinion though, others may feel differently.

You need to have a long hard think about whether you and your OH are ready.

 

[lovehearts]

i agree with what everyone else is saying. If you are not reliable on your parents then go ahead an TTC. my parents will always tell me their to young to be grandparents - they have a better social life than me but i dont live at home - i have a stable job and support myself - i know they will be thrilled when it does happen. If i still lived at home and i had planned it i think they would tell me to move out!

 

[J&J]

Me and my OH are engaged to get married. I had an unwanted abortion at the begining of the year. I still live at hme as my mum left, my dad works away soo i do everything in the house and look after my younger brothr. Im 19, 20 in jan! My nan + mum both said my dad wouldnt want me to leave yet, and that he wouldnt mind me there with a baby.

 

[Amygdala]

I'm sorry if I'm a bit forward here but I think there's some things you should try to "get ready" before TTC. For one thing, I would NEVER consider trying for a baby with a man with whom I haven't shared a home for at least a few years. It's hard enough making a relationship work without a child. You don't know at the moment if you could work as a couple living together, let alone as a family with kids.
Also, how would your OH be involved in the child's life? Can he move in with you? Is he going to be there for nappy changes, bedtime baths etc? How long are you planning to stay at your dad's?
Then: Are you paying your dad rent? Could you afford to move out into your own place if he doesn't want to or can have all three of you (you, OH and baby) live at the house? I think if you live under his roof then you have to respect his wish of not having a baby there to support as well. Having a baby in the house is a HUGE change and I don't think you should willingly force people into it.
How would you support the child? Are you working? Could you afford to stay at home (and be supported by mat pay and/or your OH) or pay for childcare?
I would strongly advice you to wait until you're in a situation that is a bit more baby-friendly, i.e. have your education finished and a stable job, have lived with OH for a while and know you're working well as a team, maybe are married (if that's important to you, it would be to me). This might not be as far away as you think, you can easily achieve these things within a few years. And you're so young, you've got AGES to make this happen.

On a side note: You've mentioned a few times that you've had an unwanted abortion. This worries me a bit. What do you mean by that? Did you naturally miscarry or did you get bullied into having an abortion? If it was the latter then I would strongly advice you to get some support with that as it's not something anyone should have to go through and certainly not alone. Maybe there is a group of women who have gone through similar things near you or there might be a counselling service available to you?

 

[kintenda]

I'm sorry if I'm a bit forward here but I think there's some things you should try to "get ready" before TTC. For one thing, I would NEVER consider trying for a baby with a man with whom I haven't shared a home for at least a few years. It's hard enough making a relationship work without a child. You don't know at the moment if you could work as a couple living together, let alone as a family with kids.
Also, how would your OH be involved in the child's life? Can he move in with you? Is he going to be there for nappy changes, bedtime baths etc? How long are you planning to stay at your dad's?
Then: Are you paying your dad rent? Could you afford to move out into your own place if he doesn't want to or can have all three of you (you, OH and baby) live at the house? I think if you live under his roof then you have to respect his wish of not having a baby there to support as well. Having a baby in the house is a HUGE change and I don't think you should willingly force people into it.
How would you support the child? Are you working? Could you afford to stay at home (and be supported by mat pay and/or your OH) or pay for childcare?
I would strongly advice you to wait until you're in a situation that is a bit more baby-friendly, i.e. have your education finished and a stable job, have lived with OH for a while and know you're working well as a team, maybe are married (if that's important to you, it would be to me). This might not be as far away as you think, you can easily achieve these things within a few years. And you're so young, you've got AGES to make this happen.

On a side note: You've mentioned a few times that you've had an unwanted abortion. This worries me a bit. What do you mean by that? Did you naturally miscarry or did you get bullied into having an abortion? If it was the latter then I would strongly advice you to get some support with that as it's not something anyone should have to go through and certainly not alone. Maybe there is a group of women who have gone through similar things near you or there might be a counselling service available to you?

This is what I wanted to say, but you phrased it a lot better than I could!

 

[im_mi]

i was 19 when i fell pregnant with my son, and he was planned. i dont think age is an issue, its (like everyone else has said) whether you are emotionally and physically capable of having a child.

My best friend fell pregnant with her son before her and her OH had lived together - they moved in shortly after they found out and everything has worked out just fine with them. Im not saying that it always works out that way but not having lived together first doesnt mean you are doomed to faliure

 

[rachelrhin0]

I'm sorry if I'm a bit forward here but I think there's some things you should try to "get ready" before TTC. For one thing, I would NEVER consider trying for a baby with a man with whom I haven't shared a home for at least a few years. It's hard enough making a relationship work without a child. You don't know at the moment if you could work as a couple living together, let alone as a family with kids.
Also, how would your OH be involved in the child's life? Can he move in with you? Is he going to be there for nappy changes, bedtime baths etc? How long are you planning to stay at your dad's?
Then: Are you paying your dad rent? Could you afford to move out into your own place if he doesn't want to or can have all three of you (you, OH and baby) live at the house? I think if you live under his roof then you have to respect his wish of not having a baby there to support as well. Having a baby in the house is a HUGE change and I don't think you should willingly force people into it.
How would you support the child? Are you working? Could you afford to stay at home (and be supported by mat pay and/or your OH) or pay for childcare?
I would strongly advice you to wait until you're in a situation that is a bit more baby-friendly, i.e. have your education finished and a stable job, have lived with OH for a while and know you're working well as a team, maybe are married (if that's important to you, it would be to me). This might not be as far away as you think, you can easily achieve these things within a few years. And you're so young, you've got AGES to make this happen.

On a side note: You've mentioned a few times that you've had an unwanted abortion. This worries me a bit. What do you mean by that? Did you naturally miscarry or did you get bullied into having an abortion? If it was the latter then I would strongly advice you to get some support with that as it's not something anyone should have to go through and certainly not alone. Maybe there is a group of women who have gone through similar things near you or there might be a counselling service available to you?

perfectly written!