My DH now doesn't support me having a home birth!!

[jamhs]

Ok, I have been wanting a home birth (hopefully water) for almost three years since I almost gave birth to ds2 by myself in hospital. His sister had both hers at home and he knows my reasons for wanting to stay at home.
Tonight when I was telling him about hiring a birthing pool, he told me that he isn't comfortable with having the baby at home any more and thinks I should reconsider going to the hospital.
About a month ago, he had a couple of really severe panic and anxiety attacks which has led him into depression and he is signed off work, but going to a psychiatrist and group therapy sessions everyday. I know this is part of the reason he might have changed his mind.
Do I try and support him and give up my dream of a home birth? I just don't know how to handle this??
Thanks in advance or any advice or support!

 

[fionar]

Can he tell you WHY he's not comfortable with the idea of a home birth? Perhaps if he can spell out for you what makes him uncomfortable about the process, you can assuage some of his fears.

Maybe the two of you can put together a list of things you agree would cause you to risk yourself out of birthing at home or what would potentially necessitate a transfer?

So sorry you don't your partner's support, that makes it so hard.

For what it's worth, my husband was pretty against the homebirth thing (he grudgingly agreed to a super stringent set of scenarios in which he'd be OK with it) but now he's TOTALLY come around. We watched the Business of Being Born and he met our midwife and really warmed to the idea and now he can't imagine going to the hospital to deliver a baby.

Hang in there. :-/

 

[sadiebaby]

yes ! i agree with her
why is he not okay with it? Does he not think its safe?

Maybe just give him time to come around to the idea, but if it comes down to it, i think u should do the home birth
your the one having the baby and you should be as comfortable and relaxed as possible

 

[elohcin]

My husband did this too, before our first home birth. He was initially supportive, then changed his mind later on. It broke my heart. I had to REALLY have a heart to heart with him, showed him what I had learned, showed him statistics, read him birth stories, etc. He wasn't interested in a lot of it (just not guy stuff LOL) but eventually he realized how important it was to me. We did have our homebirth (unassisted) and then went on to have another 2 years after.

He actually says he never WANTS to have a baby in a hospital again unless it's necessary. He's also a medic and so he understands the germy aspect of hospitals and that grosses him out. LOL But back to the point, I think he just got "scared" for a bit and went through that really common stage (for moms AND dads) where it's hard to believe it's safe to "go against the flow" and against everything that mainstream teaches, etc.

 

[pimento1979]

The AIMS booklet is what convinced my husband... after he read it, he said 'Why would you want to have a hospital birth??' https://www.aims.org.uk/hbchoose.htm

 

[jamhs]

Thanks everyone!! I will work on talking with him as we still have a few more weeks to o, but it's hard with his depression and anxiety at the minute to talk to him at all. I phoned and spoke to his sister today and she said she would bring it up with him next time they go running and since she has gone though it, hopefully she can convince him and take care of some of his worries. She also said she'd get her dh to casually mention it, because he said he can't imagine a hospital birth now.

 

[aliss]

I'm afraid with his medical anxiety this is a lot easier said than done, it's not like you can just 'inform' a person with clinical anxiety. Part of the illness is an irrational fear, so it's not like logical answers will suffice. Is it at all possible to speak with him and his therapist together about the subject?

 

[madasa]

Who else do you have supporting you? He is not in a great position to fill that role right now, perhaps having someone else (mother? sister? doula? friend?) would be helpful? If he becomes very anxious on the day, it will have an impact on labour, so having someone who is calm and confident to help and reassure both of you might be really useful.

 

[jamhs]

Aliss: that is a good idea about speaking with his therapist together. I will see if that is possible.

Madasa: I could always ask his mum, but she lives 3 hours away and my mom lives in the States, so that isn't an option. I will see if I can find someone who might be able to help out. His sister will be watching my boys for us, but I can always look into a doula, although I'm not sure that he'll go for it.

Thanks for the support ladies!!

 

[jamhs]

Been phoning around doula's in my area and no one is available as of yet! My due date is before Christmas, so they either aren't working or are already booked. Boo

 

[pimento1979]

If you'd like to message me with some details (EDD, where you are located and any specific requirements/requests), I can post on the forum with the doula training company I'm with to see if anyone is available.

 

[jamhs]

If you'd like to message me with some details (EDD, where you are located and any specific requirements/requests), I can post on the forum with the doula training company I'm with to see if anyone is available.

Thanks!! What do doula's charge normally for their services? I don't want to find one and then find I can't afford to hire one. I never got to the costs with the ones I spoke to because as soon as they found out my due date it was conversation finished.

 

[pimento1979]

It really depends on area and experience of the doula. A very experienced doula in my area (Oxford) goes for £600 but could be up to £1000 in London. Trainee doulas tend to be less expensive, ranging from £200 and up. Most doulas will work out a payment plan, and you may like to see whether you'd be eligible for Doula UK's Access Fund: https://doula.org.uk/content/doula-access-fund Our very own Merv's Mum is the fund administrator

 

[jamhs]

It really depends on area and experience of the doula. A very experienced doula in my area (Oxford) goes for £600 but could be up to £1000 in London. Trainee doulas tend to be less expensive, ranging from £200 and up. Most doulas will work out a payment plan, and you may like to see whether you'd be eligible for Doula UK's Access Fund: https://doula.org.uk/content/doula-access-fund Our very own Merv's Mum is the fund administrator

I found a trainee doula who might work perfectly for us. Thanks for your offer of help and I'll look into the funding! Thanks again!!

 

[pimento1979]

I found a trainee doula who might work perfectly for us. Thanks for your offer of help and I'll look into the funding! Thanks again!!

Great news, happy to help

 

[madasa]

That is brilliant! Hope you get the support you need and DESERVE