My Due Date was June 10

[Squiggy]

They put me on medication for depression.
I have a son that I have to be strong for, but my second little baby should be just about 2 weeks old right now.


I miscarried 5 days before Thanksgiving. The hospital told me "there's no heartbeat..." and sent me home with a dead baby inside me. Told me to call my doctor the following day to discuss "options."
That night I passed a lot of clots and my tiny little baby. I saw the baby. 1.5cm long! I had to fish it out of the toilet and when I put it on the towel it's little arms and legs folded over itself. He/She had tiny black spots for eyes. And a spine. And tiny fingers and toes were starting to form. He/She still had a tail. At 8 weeks pregnant there shouldn't have still been a tail.
They gave me a due date of June 10, then because of size, they pushed it back to the 24th. Probably because he/she wasn't growing.


I've been trying to overshadow my grief by concentrating on my son. He's still only 1 (22mos). But the grief is still there, even if I'm trying hard to mask it. I feel very suicidal at times. But I can't leave my son.
I've been avoiding the baby forum because it just hurts. I remember when I was pregnant with my first, how much time I spent here - A LOT. I was so full of questions and wanted to read what others had to ask and say. I would have been more active this time around but instead coming on the forum just adds pain.
I have mood swings, because I'm still trying to get pregnant again; I wanted to make up for my loss as soon as possible but it's taking forever. I'm aggressively trying and nothing is happening. It's like my body is as broken as my heart.

 

[lovemybubba]

I'm so so sorry. My due date should of been 15th December 2015. Dreading Christmas 😔

 

[Squiggy]

Thank you. I appreciate your reply.

 

[Aleeah]

I'm so sorry for both your losses xx

It was hard reading your honest post. Just know your little baby is in heaven looking down over you, and will live on in you and your little boy. I'm not going to say things get better because you never forget but they get more manageable. I had my rainbow baby after 7 losses and for some reason one loss is with me so much more than the others, the loss that mirrors yours. That loss took away my innocence, it taught me pregnancy doesn't mean a baby in my arms but can mean a lifeless tiny little body, the beginning and end of something beautiful. It's a loss I mourn often and it's anniversary is one of the hardest days of the year, even now. But try and get strength from your son, you'll hold a forever babe on your arms once more, believe and never give up hope. That lost baby was not lost in vain, it'll live on in its siblings and it'll watch over you.

Sending you so much love and strength, you're an amazing mummy, your little boy is so lucky to have you. Thank you for speaking so honestly, so many women don't and others don't understand why they are the only ones that feel the way you describe. We need to stick together and talk openly to eachother so we can all help eachother.

Sending you so much love and so many hugs xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Blu10]

Sorry for your loss hun. Ive also had two losses so understand how crappy it is. Have you considered trying again? Xx

 

[lovemybubba]

I've just re read my first reply to you and I'm so sorry! It was a selfish reply and I didn't even acknowledge anything that you had written. I'm sorry for that. I had been going through a tough time of my own, and that's all i could focus on.

First of all I'm really really sorry this has happened to you. I'm hoping you're feeling a little better now. Grief is a horrible thing, but you're being very strong and I admire that. Focusing on your little one is good, it'll help, take some time for yourself too though. You're also important. None of this was your fault in any way (sometimes I blame my body, but really it isn't anyone's fault)

I had to have a D&C for my mmc, my body wouldn't do it naturally. I really wish I had gotten the chance to see my baby, she stopped growing around 11 weeks. I've got a scan photo though, and I can tell that she looks underdeveloped, Compared to my son's 11 week scan photo.

Your son loves you, so please stay strong for him. If you ever need help them please reach out. No one will judge you, you've been through a lot. Xxx