My husband is suffering from depression and our doctor refuses to help.

[BrandiCanucks]

I posted something similar a few weeks ago, but it's getting worse.

My husband and I have 3 kids under 4. Our 4 year old has special needs. He lost his job in March and has been unsuccessful at finding another job. He is attending trade school one day a week starting next month. But he's been changing. He's severely depressed. He told his mother he wants to die and she told him to get over his pity party. He's constantly sleeping, whether in bed or on the couch, and when he's not sleeping, he's playing on his computer in the basement and doesn't emerge for hours. He doesn't spend any time with me or the kids anymore. He just goes through the motions. He doesn't go out with his friends anymore. He stays indoors all day long and he doesn't do anything with the kids. He puts the TV on for the kids for more than 10 hours a day while he sleeps getting up off the couch only if the kids ask for lunch or a drink. He's put on 50lbs in the last year and either eats too much, or doesn't eat at all.

He refuses to get out and look for anymore jobs, instead choosing to live off his unemployment (we still haven't gotten his first cheque). This is not like him at all. Normally, he'd be rational and go look for something even minimum wage to keep our family afloat. I've been a Stay-At-Home Parent since our oldest was born in 2007. I just finished school recently and have had to turn down jobs for other reasons, but I have been searching for something even minimum wage because he won't. I'm also afraid to leave him at home alone with the kids for fear that they'll be neglected in favour of him sleeping.

I tried to contact our doctor and get him some psychiatric help and our doctor apparently told him that he needs to leave me because I'm the source of his problems (This is what he says. I don't know how true it is). When I called to get him help, I was told to take him to the hospital because he won't refer him.

I see my husband slipping further and further away from me. His depression has started turning violent. He demeans and degrades me every day. He screams and swears at me in front of the kids, blames me for every fight he starts, and has even gone as far as breaking our 7-month-old's bassinet and choked and smacked me as I held our baby. This is NOT like him at all.

He claims that I was happy to find his death threat because it meant I had drama in my life, and that I'm a piece of s**t for trying to help him.

What the hell do I do to save my husband and family, especially when our doctor won't help? I want to call my doctor today and ask him AGAIN, for a 3rd time, to refer him to a psychiatrist, but I know he won't. He'll just tell me to take him to a hospital and I know my husband will not not, voluntarily or involuntarily.

I'm trying to find another doctor, but in the meantime, how do I help him? My kids don't deserve to see the violence or see their dad slip away, and I don't want to take them away from him. I will if I have to, but I don't want to.

 

[greenkat]

Gosh - I haven't seen your previous posts but I think at this point you shouldn't be asking how you can help him - you should get yourself and your children into a safe place, away from him, where you don't need to worry about him turning on you or your children.

Are there friends or family you can stay with? You say his mother doesn't believe how serious it is? I think making a move like this yourself will let everyone know that you need to be taken seriously - including him. Are there any friends you trust to tell - maybe his friends so they can talk to him?

I'm in the UK so I don't know what it's like in America but there are suicide intervention people you can call here - I can't remember their official name. My mum saw them a few years ago when she had a crisis and helped her through it. Can you ask the doctors about something like that?

I hope he sees sense and that your family gets back on track

 

[bobsiesgal]

I think that if he is being violent towards you this has gone beyond what he wants, if you believe that this is his illness and not some other reason then I think you should, for a start get yourself and your kids to a safe location, and then maybe think about forcing him to see a doctor through a mental health section since he is now a danger to others as well as maybe himself (you said about a death threat?).

If this is not a route you would want to take and I would understand if you didn't then the best thing you can do is to keep his doctor informed about everything inc the violence, because it could be that your husband hasn't been really honest with the doctor and that is where the reluctance to refer has come from, and also continue to support your husband and encourage him to go to a hospital to get help. But please please if he is being violent do this from a distance, leaving the home or making him leave the home to protect you and the children is not the same as abandoning him!! It is simply protecting yourselves from harm and also protecting him from something he will regret when he gets better!

I hope your husband manages to get the help he needs one way or another, until then the best of luck to you, try to stay safe and strong for both yourself your husband and your children.

 

[smelly07]

I think you need to leave, its not fair on the children to be in a household where there is violence and its not safe for you or the children.

The only person that can help your husband is himself.

Maybe when he realises that you have had enough and its got to this point where you have had to leave it might be his wake up call.

There is only so much you can do but i think the safety of you and your children comes first xxx

 

[parisa]

Oh my God! I am sooo sorry my darling.
You know what? My mom was in the same exact situation when my sister and I were kids. My dad had psychiatric problems and she kept wanting to help him cuz he was a great man and he needed help. He became physical with my mom, he would burn holes in the palms of her hands, he would beat the living crap out of her in front of us kids, and when I would put my hand out in front of him, so he would stop, he would beat me until I would fall on my face .....I was four years old !
Until this day I nor my sis will ever forgive my mom for not leaving my dad. Today, I woulda had a better life if she had left him. I saw and witnessed withngs as an eve two year old that I cannot get over.......my life is in ruins...no matter how great mu hubby is.
My mom thought that it did not matter how my dad was with her, but she thought that kids need a father.....and that two parent homes are better, than single parent homes. That is not true!
She also was not financially stable......so u know what my sis and I always tell her?
You shoulda left him and made us sleep on the streets rather than keeping us in that house!
My dad was so abusive , verbally and physically towards my mom and if we got involved, God help us! He had serious problems and my mom would kill herself for him to get help. He always thought that the world is sick and he was perfect.
You know what? Your kids do not deserve to see this honey. Your husband is being selfish. Obviously he knows that he needs help, but he is not bothering to go for it. He will one day destroy all of ur lives.......as great as he used to be.....he no longer is today. Just becuz he is sick, I am not saying that u should abandon him. Let him know that the situation u r putting the kdis in is not safe for them or their well-being. If he cares enough, he will seek help. By u staying, u r letting ur kids know that when they grow up, they can also remain in abusive relationships.
Guess what? Before I met my husband, I would always go looking for men that were a lot like my dad. That was all that I knew...I watched my mom go through it.
The way I would get beaten up, my face would be black and purple and blue, I would go from one relationship to another, one would break my jaw, the other, my nose, the other my leg.......i CAN GO ON AND ON! Then I got into serious drug use(cocaine).
If it weren't for my husband today, I dont know where I would be today......probably lying dead somewhere.
But here is the thing.....my mom never did end up separating from my dad cuz she believed that he was a good man wit good morals and upbringing and he was just mentally going through something. Well, that was not fair to us. As I am writing this, I am bawling beyond belief. Pls take ur kids out of that house.....even if they seem like they are too young to understand anything, trust me when i tell u that they ae not.
Save urself and ur kids and give him a serious ultimatum......"get help and prove that u have changed, and I just may give u one more chance". On the other hand, tell him that if he dares touch u one more time, u will call the cops on him.
Pls stop trying to help him. You can not help someone who refuses to be helped.

Kisses,
Parisa