My Husband Says He's Depressed and I'm Kinda Ticked About It

[Murphy98]

When my husband advised me yesterday that he feels he has male post-pardum depression I suppose the caring wife in me should have felt more supportive. I love my husband - he is a wonderful man, but he has been mopey and sullen and constantly tired since labour started 6 weeks ago and I have to admit I kind of resent it.

Oh, I tired to say all the right things - "thank you for telling me honey", "how can I help" etc etc but I couldn't help but start to cry when he advised me that he wonders if we were ready for a baby -maybe we should have travelled more instead, that he feels overwhelmed, that he sometimes doesn't want to come home, that he sometimes doesn't want to deal with the baby at all. Then of course he was upset that I became teary - advising "I didn't tell you to upset you". I told him that while I want to be supportive I still reserve the right to be upset when my partner tells me he doesn't want to come home from work to be with his family.

Inside I was thinking....so let me get this straight....I had a c-section after 2 days of contractions and failed induction, I am home all day with our son without break, I am the one up all night with him while you sleep 7 hours a night with ear-plugs in......but YOU are the one who is depressed and tired. Right. That kind of ticks me off. I logically know that depression is a clinical matter but part of me is like SUCK IT UP

He doesn't think its serious enough to go to see his doctor so I am going to encourage him to work out more, prepare healthy meals and I guess I'll try to shoulder more of the weight but then - I thought I was already shouldering more of the wieght so what can I do? It makes me so sad that he is missing out on enjoying our beautiful son. He has always wanted children - but I gather had totally unrealistic expectations about the fact that parenting is also hard work!

I guess I just wanted to rant really but has anyone else experienced this? Did you find it went away or did your husbands need professional help?

 

[marymoomin]

I dont have any advice but this doesnt sound like depression, it sounds like a big old dose of self indulgence, and selfishness.
If he feels he doesnt want to come home I would suggest he doesnt for a while, I bet he then realises what a hell of a blessed guy he is.
You are a saint for putting up with this! Chin up and stay strong lovey. xxxx

 

[Pookie 73]

Hi hun

Sorry you are going through this, I have no experience personally but didn't want to read and run

I would try and get your husband to the doctors as soon as you can to get some treatment for him. It must be really tough for you so just wanted to pass on . Hope that it gets better really quickly for you and your family

PS Have you got people to support you with LO if your DH can't really help at the moment so that you can have a bit of a "break"

 

[lucy_x]

i dont have any advice. sorry hun

 

[Mrs Doddy]

that's tough on both of you hon, I feel really awful for saying this but sometimes I long for my old life back and I have found it really difficult to adjust to my new role as a mum, it's the same for dads too.

I'm not sure what to say to help, i know my h finds it hard sometimes knowing what to do with lo when she is crying and doesn't know why or what to do with her ie playing, it's all a learning curve

 

[Lu28]

My husband was extremely depressed from when Aisling was about 8 weeks old (for unrelated reasons) so I can sympathise. I wouldn't be too quick to say that this isn't depression, he doesn't sound like he's being lazy and coming up with this as a way to cover it up. I would however insist that he goes to the doctor straight away. The longer depression goes untreated, the more difficult it is to sort out and he owes it to you and your LO to improve the situation asap.

PP depression in men is a recognised issue and I wouldn't be quick to dismiss it. But it's important he makes an effort himself to get better if it is depression. My DH is still depressed but less so. In the early days I literally had him on suicide watch and pretty much raised Aisling on my own until she was a year old. It was incredibly difficult, even if you have to nag him and accompany him to the doctor, get him there xxx

 

[Natasha2605]

No advice but Do you have any family who could take LO for a few hours so you can have some ''me'' time? x

 

[aliss]

Okay, as someone who had post-partum depression, it's a little hurtful to hear things like self indulgence etc. when you aren't a doctor and don't know the guy??

Yes, some people with post-partum depression (men too) can do things that seem rather selfish (even me as mom) but it's not because we don't want to be the best parent we can be, but it's because we truly feel like we can't cope, we're terrible, baby is better off without us there, we need to escape, etc. It's truly the most horrible feeling ever. The fact that we can't seem to do things up to expectation makes it worse.

That being said, if he truly cannot cope, he does need to see a doctor - and if he refuses, then perhaps you can try speaking with his doctor yourself. Admitting you need help is the HARDEST part of PND, because it is embarassing to admit that this is happening & you aren't meeting expectations (after all, how do you feel when everyone says "congrats" to you yet you regret having a baby???).

Maybe he has depression, maybe he doesn't, but remember he is also a MAN which means he is probably even more reluctant to seek help as he probably feels very ashamed to have this (PND is hard enough for women to admit, but for a man, I'm sure it makes them feel very pathetic as it's not a norm)

Good luck to you. I snapped out of it at 4 months myself but my situation is different like all of them are.

 

[Kimmer]

My husbands just been diagnosed with depression. It's a very serious thing and something he cannot help.

People with depression need help and support. If he doesn't get the right help, this could escalate.

It could be he's depressed and it's coming out in his lack of ability to care for a baby, or not wanting to go home. Does that make sense?

I doubt its you or your baby causing the depression. I would encourage him to see someone

 

[Pyrrhic]

It sounds like you both need to go to counselling to get some resolution to this.

 

[beatnick]

my DH felt the same way and said similar things to me when zakk was a few weeks old.

he didnt say he was depressed but commented he felt it was too soon to have a baby and maybe it was a mistake. infact we just had a convo tonight about how he feels he has no life anymore (ha ha ha i literally am a slave to him and a baby and have nothing left of my life!!)

i think the first bit was a wobble and panic. it calmed down and he came to terms with it all. sometimes he still wobbles - like tonight- and i have to talk it out with him. and yes sometimes i feel like screaming at him "YOU GET TO SLEEP, WEE, POO, EAT, THINK AND LEAVE THE ROOM WITHOUT THINKING TWICE!!!"

We have to grieve the loss of our old lives. some people find this very very hard. men especially i think.

 

[Odd Socks]

*hugs*
i think my oh was on the route to depression when bella was young (as was i - we were having real problems & everyone kept saying it was normal - thankfully it was sorted). my thoughts at the time, when things were getting sorted was that there was so much support for me, people i could speak to (midwives, hvs, mums at mums & babies groups), while there was no support for oh. i noticed this when we were being told to let me sleep & oh to do everything will bella, when in reality, he needed rest & help as much as i did.
xx

 

[beatnick]

ps murphy your baby looks exactly like zakk did when he was little. but zakk is BALD!

 

[Murphy98]

Thanks all. I realize I made my husband sound like a jerk - which he is NOT, absolutly not. He is a wonderful husband and will be a great father. I just feel sad for him and self-indulgant and sad for me that he's having such a hard time. Its nice to have a place to voice things that I would otherwise NEVER say to him just to get them off my chest. I will support him a 100% and we will get through it. I agree though - that I need to persuade him to get to a doctor if he continues to struggle because depression is a medical issue with physical symptoms.

PS Beatnick - I love that picture of your LO - SO cute!

 

[beatnick]

when i saw a picture of your LO it made me feel really funny as it soooo reminded me of zakk.

im tickled as i said "when he was little". like a month ago!!

it made me want to go and pick him up and cuddle him. makes me wish i had appreciated him more when he was teeny tiny!

 

[Lu28]

Thanks all. I realize I made my husband sound like a jerk - which he is NOT, absolutly not. He is a wonderful husband and will be a great father. I just feel sad for him and self-indulgant and sad for me that he's having such a hard time. Its nice to have a place to voice things that I would otherwise NEVER say to him just to get them off my chest. I will support him a 100% and we will get through it. I agree though - that I need to persuade him to get to a doctor if he continues to struggle because depression is a medical issue with physical symptoms.

PS Beatnick - I love that picture of your LO - SO cute!

People often don't realise how difficult it is if you have a partner who's depressed, especially when you have a young baby. You absolutely do need to get things off your chest so please do it here if it helps xxx

 

[louandivy]

when i saw a picture of your LO it made me feel really funny as it soooo reminded me of zakk.

im tickled as i said "when he was little". like a month ago!!

it made me want to go and pick him up and cuddle him. makes me wish i had appreciated him more when he was teeny tiny!

omg your babies really do look so similar!

(sorry i dont have anything constructive to add to this post )

 

[cherryglitter]

I have PND/PPD and it is really difficult.
OH can find me quite hard to live with too, I often forget that sometimes.
I hope you get some help hun. xx

 

[babylovex]

heya.. sorry to hear u and your husband r going thru this!! i had the same apart from my OH never told me untill we had a arguement and he said he hadnt connected with our son and he doesnt feel bond with him! ( he doesnt do n e thinkfor him) so i tryed really hard for a few weeks to really help him! so my LO really enjoys the bath .. so everynite my OH baths him as for a while he said he only has him when he crys!! so its just somethink they can enjoy together!!

so basically i have all the feeding changing and OH has bathing and playing lol x

i think its harder for men to settle babies and connect with them and most men r better when they r older! hope things get better for u x

 

[Raggydoll]

I dont have any advice but this doesnt sound like depression, it sounds like a big old dose of self indulgence, and selfishness.
If he feels he doesnt want to come home I would suggest he doesnt for a while, I bet he then realises what a hell of a blessed guy he is.
You are a saint for putting up with this! Chin up and stay strong lovey. xxxx

Sorry, I'm don't mean to pick on your post but it's this kind of judgement that makes it hard for people with depression to get help. It is recognised that men also suffer from PND.

When I was in the thick of my PND I was adament people should no know because I thought people would judge me, think I didn't love my daughter and I was being lazy.

To the OP, I can understand that you feel ticked off because you've been through a lot emotinally and physically but I can tell your also worried for your husband. I would try to encourage him to see his GP.

Look after yourself too, it's also hard for the partner of someone who has depression.